Volume V Ch.35 – What is Inside Our Hearts (1/5)

On the chilly December day, I stepped out of Mary-san's car. Lunchtime was nearly over, and I made it back just in time. Mary-san put her tiny red car in gear, and with a pitiful wave, she drove off, leaving me at the school gates. I watched my soon-to-be auntie's car roll off into the distance. The bell rang, and all the students began walking towards their respective classes.

"…"

I couldn't move despite how much I tried. I was like an ice sculpture as the freezing cold tickled my skin. My joints were as rigid as rocks, and my legs felt like they were buried in snow, unable to release myself from the cold ground. The world kept spinning, and time continued to move forward. But everything in my life was slowly spiraling out of control… and I couldn't move to try to stop it all from crumbling down around me.

"…I didn't want this to happen."

I murmured as I clenched my fist. Suddenly, the strange moments between mom and me started to make sense as I looked back. It was as if someone was slowly cleaning a fogged-up glass in front of me. The picture was becoming clear due to what Mary-san told me. Mom's behavior… made sense, and it made me feel sick inside.

"This isn't true… is it, mom? Mary-san is lying… right, mommy?"

I pleaded... but it was useless. I knew the truth and didn't want to accept it.

Originally mom wanted Mari-san to pick me up from work. But after our talk in the Hamasaki Inn and Onsen, she asked if I wanted to go home alone right after. It should have been clear for me right then and there…

"Mom wasn't giving me time to mature…."

No, it wasn't that simple. Mom was keeping me away from Mari-san, wasn't she?

She was doing her best to separate herself from me… and me from Mari-san. Mom was giving me just what I asked for since I woke up. The chance to feel independent… just like I've always wanted to… And that only started because mom must have felt… threatened by me…

"…This isn't how it's supposed to be."

I bit down on my teeth. My stomach was burning hot, and I wanted to throw up these feelings within me. I was physically sick of it all. The lies mom told me and truths she hid from me from the moment I woke up were cultivating into this madness. I couldn't trust her to tell her my feelings in the past… and she wouldn't trust me and tell me the truth in the present.

"Mom… this isn't how we're supposed to be. We… used to be so close."

In the ice-cold elements, my hair blew to the side as if telling me to move on. Time kept moving… it wouldn't give me time to sit and think. As much as I would have loved for the world to stop moving as I collected my feelings… it wouldn't. So, I took my first step towards my school. I felt my body ripple as all the anger in me caused me to stop and clench my fist tighter.

"Why is it so hard… to tell your daughter the truth?!"

I screamed under my breath. If mom told me from the beginning when I woke up… maybe... just maybe, things wouldn't have played out like this. She wouldn't be going behind my back and I… I probably wouldn't have either. We'd… trust one another.

Reluctantly, I pushed my rigid body back to class. With every step, my body was getting heavier. As if Mary-san's words were like boulders latching on me. My heart felt heavy, and my stomach was getting warmer by the minute. My joints were pained, and I just wanted to lie in bed… and forget about everything...

I wanted to know… why could my body take all these feelings without shutting down from exhaustion? Why… did it continue to move despite how tired I got?

"Take your seats!"

Takanaki-sensei's voice caught my attention as I stepped next to the entrance of my class. The teacher rubbed his chin and had that father-like stern glare as all the girls got into their seats. When I entered the classroom, I was met with Okabe-san lifting her head to me. That curly green hair of hers fell to her cheek, and strangely, for the first time, I saw a look of… concern on her.

"… Are you alright? You look… like crap, Nakagawa-san...."

Okabe-san whispered to me. She was pretty loud when she did, though.

"Hmm?"

Apparently, I was wearing my apprehension on my face. I must have looked like a deer in headlights as I stared at Okabe-san blankly. In my mind, Mary-san's face was still causing my heart to swirl in frustration. I sat in my seat sideways and stared at the wall. Okabe-san spoke up again after what felt like hours but likely only seconds.

"What's up with you, Nakagawa-san? You look like someone beat you upside the head with a bat."

The ivy-head asked a tad aggressively. She wasn't too far off. The way Mary-san explained everything… she might as well have been beating me with a blunt object. The blows… showed me how detached my mom was from me…

And it made me… want to cry out of frustration. But I shook my head from side to side. I promised myself I'd be stronger… and figure out what I needed to move forward…

But it was harder… knowing that the woman I looked up to every day in my life… was actively trying to push me away.

"Hey…"

I turned to Okabe-san, who seemed even more concerned. She crossed her arms and looked me square in the eye.

"Are you okay, Nakagawa-san?"

There was no teasing anymore in Okabe-san's tone of voice. She was straightforward and blunt, and it showed me that she was actually... worried about me.

"Ah… I… I got some interesting news, and I'm trying to…."

My voice trailed off as I sat in my seat. Clearly, I wasn't ready to speak about this with anyone.

"Something… happened… and… I need time to… think alone."

I turned to her. She was attentive, but I… wasn't willing to continue. I was holding back my frustrated tears… and by doing that, all my energy focused on trying to find a way to discuss this with mom.

"…Sure… No worries."

Okabe-san calmly said as she leaned back in her seat. My fingers nervously tapped on the desk. Okabe-san seemed to have taken the hint and left me alone. As my finger softly tapped in a rhythm, I closed my eyes and recalled my chat with Mary-san…

"I would like you to stay with me for a while, Madoka-san…."

Mary-san said as she looked me in the eye. My mouth opened on its own, and I couldn't fathom what she was asking at first. I must have looked like an animal waiting to be fed with my mouth opened like this from someone looking at me.

"…What?"

Mary-san adjusted her white-collar as she explained.

"It's clear that your mother is trying to fix her relationship with Koda Mari-san. I'm not sure what actually happened between you two, but this would be the only way for her to have that chance."

I clawed at my thighs as she coldly analyzed the situation. I guiltily thought about that night when I confessed to her… and showed my passion for Mari-san. Those touches, kisses, emotions all piled into one for a single hour on a single night. How I wanted that time to be isolated from reality… but the truth was, I opened Pandora's box, and this was the chaos that came out.

"Y-You want me to… move in with you, Mary-san? W-What would that accomplish?"

I was frustrated as I lashed out at her with my questions. Calmy, Mary-san put her hand on her cup and rubbed the sides with her fingers.

"I don't believe Ayumi is thinking clearly. When she overdosed that night and Koda-san saved her… I believe she became a different person that day. Someone who could only rely on Koda-san."

Mary-san held her arm and leaned back in her seat. Her cup of tea steamed as she watched it for a bit. With a deep breath, she turned back to me with those hazel eyes.

"For those two years you were sleeping Madoka-san, Ayumi became happy again. She couldn't bear to see you in that bed… but Koda-san gave her life."

Mary-san sipped her tea. Those beautiful dark eyes gently landed on me as she set her cup down.

"But to keep that happiness… I think your mother is willing to pretend there isn't a problem… just like how they got together."

She paused for a moment, likely feeling my apprehension on the matter. Gently, she reached out and touched the top of my hand.

"Listen, I don't think you just woke up and… wanted to do something to hurt your mother."

Mary-san accused.

"Maybe… just maybe something was already going on… before you woke up."

My mouth opened as I thought about what Mari-san told me. How I… confessed to her as she was teaching me English. Eventually, that blossomed into a hidden love we had for each other…

Mary-san was slowly guiding me to what may have happened… It felt as if she was reading my mind, exposing all the truths I fought so hard to obtain in these last months. As if she was uncovering all my deep secrets, she guided what "may" have happened.

"I don't know what happened, Madoka-san. But can't you see that, right now, they are having problems? Even I could see that the way they got together was full of complications."

My mind raced back to the night Saitou-san told us the truth. In the Hamasaki Inn and Onsen, Saitou-san told me what happened. When I went into my coma, Mari-san found my mom on the floor… Then she saved her and decided to be with her. I couldn't help but think about… how guilty my knight must have felt for everything that happened.

"… Mari-san got with mom… because she wanted to make sure she didn't hurt herself again."

I confessed, without actually going into the full details of what truly happened. Mari-san didn't just feel guilty for what happened to me. She wanted to protect me from waking up without a mother. And by doing that, she gave mom and Hana-chan a wonderful family… even if it cost the relationship we had started.

"Madoka-san… do you love your family?"

Mary-san asked.

"Yes, I do."

She smiled slightly.

"I can tell you don't want anything happening to them. You want your new stepsister, Hana-chan, to be happy too, right?"

I nodded…

"Then, if something was going on between you and Koda-san… you have to let them talk alone about it. Because right now, your mother is willing to break you away from them… to relive those days where everything was… perfect."

Mary-san sighed.

"I love your mother, Madoka-san. She has been the only friend I've had since coming to Japan… So, when she asked me to help her find a place that you can be independent at, I didn't think twice."

Her eyes lowered as her lips squeezed together.

"But as I began to see… how she shoved things to the side… I could see where this was going to end up. Ayumi… is going to destroy her family just to hold on to a false perfect life."

Tenderly, she looked up at me.

"Ayumi reminded me of my mother… someone who would sacrifice everything for an illusion of happiness… and it was starting to tear me up inside."

With a deep breath, she opened her eyes and gazed at me. I felt as though she was searching through me, and it made my stomach feel weak and sour.

"What is your answer, Madoka-san? It's either you say no and let her send you away… or stay with me for a while and let your mother confront her problems."

My face was getting hot… and I felt that I was running out of time. Like each second I waited, the walls around me were getting closer. I could feel my fingers shaking and my heart beginning to slam against my chest.

"… Could you give me time to think?"

I stammered. Everything I wanted, like keeping my family intact, was slowly crumbling like someone took an almost finished puzzle piece and broke it up, piece by piece.

"Time…"

Mary-san mentioned coldly.

"You don't have much time, Madoka-san. You have until… around next week at most."

"W-What, Mary-san?"

Coldly, she nodded.

"Yes… your mother is planning to send in your paperwork this upcoming Monday. I doubt you'd be denied for anything. Your grades are near excellent, and by the end of the year, you'll be accepted-"

"…Shut up!"

Finally, I snapped, causing the patrons at the dinner and even Mary-san to look surprised. I couldn't stop. She went past my breaking point as I stood up, pushing my seat back to the wall. I put my hand on the table and moved my body towards her.

"Y-You just come into my life, Mary-san, and swing me around like this… T-this isn't how you tell people personal things like this, Mary-san!"

I calmed down as I took a deep breath. Everyone was staring at me as I slowly fell back into my seat. After a minute of silence as I let the embarrassment subside, I spoke up.

"Y-You're telling me my mom… my mommy is going behind my back and trying to push me away. T-Then you're giving me all these sudden choices, and you expect me to… just say yes to everything?"

I held myself, trying my best to feel some sort of comfort in this cold situation… But if everything was true, the one person I looked up to most… didn't want me in her life anymore…

As if me waking up... was ruining her life.

And that hurt almost as much as it did for me to give up Mari-san, the woman I still have feelings for.

"What the hell is your problem, Mary-san? Did you even… consider how much this would hurt me?

D-Did you even think about how much my heart would hurt... hearing that my mom doesn't want me around?"

Mary-san's shoulders sank.

"…I… I didn't think about all of that, Madoka-san… I-I'm… I'm not good with kids… or people younger than me like that…. I... Ah..."

She calmly tried to explain, but I was still beyond furious.

"…I need to talk with my mom. I... I don't want to talk to you about this anymore."

There was no time to push our problems aside any longer. I couldn't wait for Mari-san because things would change for the worse if we continued this. I couldn't enjoy the meal we paid for. Mary-san and I didn't chat anymore after that. She drove me back to school in silence. The only thing on my mind was mom…

And how she completely changed from when I first woke up.

It was time for me to challenge that change. Despite what happened to mom in the past, she hid things behind me to blindside me with this…

The rest of our time was in silence. After Mary-san likely noticed I wasn't eating, she paid the bill, and we left. I didn't say a word on the ride back as everything was starting to fall down on me.

My idol… the woman I looked up to my entire life…

She was doing her best to actively get rid of me… and that hurt more than I could have ever imagined.

"Nakagawa-san, please read the next passage in the text."

I woke up to Takanaki-sensei pointing at the book on the podium. I was lost… my mind was nowhere near this book. As I looked at the bundle of words, my mind began to crumble even further. The girls around me were likely teasing me, knowing I wasn't focusing on how I looked. I… needed to stay strong, but everything in me wanted to revert back to that spoiled girl and start crying…

"Page 55, paragraph 3. Hurry up."

Okabe-san whispered. I rushed to the page and began reading…

["How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?]

…in terrible English. It was a Sherlock quote, and I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. Thankfully, Takanaki-sensei asked someone else to interpret it. I sighed in relief. I couldn't understand this quote, and it reminded me of my mother. I… don't know what is truly going on in her head. Eventually, our last break came around, and I leaned back in my seat.

"…What a day…."

I complained. My mind was full of anxiety. I had to come up with a solution to save this family that I promised I'd fight for… But would going with Mary-san for mom and Mari-san to work out what happened… be the right choice? What about Hana-chan? How would she take it if I …left? Would she take that as a sign that I've given up?

"You look like hell, Nakagawa-san."

Okabe-san poked at me. I must have been staring a hole into the desk. I haven't moved since break started, and I had no energy to do anything else.

"Again… just thinking of things, Okabe-san."

"Yeah, I bet."

She rested her hand on her cheek. Her face pushed up, and it reminded me of a bread bun. However, I didn't have the energy to even laugh about it. Simple things like that… were a faraway dream from my reality.

"I saw you get picked up at lunch by some foreign woman… I guess you don't have to tell me what's going on, but ever since you came back, you've been… less than a star student."

"… Family problems."

I muttered because that is what it was. I'll have to be stronger and decide what to do. Apparently, nothing would change if I didn't. It was like Takade-san said on the phone with me the other day. Nothing will change because I'm with Mari-san, and she's with me. We still… yearn for each other despite being clear that I didn't want to be with her romantically.

"Family problems suck…."

Okabe-san said as she leaned back. My heart dropped, knowing that my classmate here… was dealing with things far more dangerous than I was. How I wanted to speak up, but I couldn't. So, I turned back around and lay my cheek on the desk.

I was angry at my mom… for not talking to me directly. But again, I was standoffish about it because Mari-san wanted to be first to tell her…

It's because of that apprehensiveness that mom is on the offensive. I will have to take charge else our family will be lost. There's no reason to hide it anymore…

I love Mari-san…

I confessed to her…

And I decided that I… don't want to be with her because of what she created. Mari-san brought joy not only to mom but also to Hana-chan. No matter how much it hurts me still… I wanted my mom to be happy.

But Mari-san and mom needed to stop lying to each other and decide where they wanted to go with their relationship…

"Mari-san…"

I knew her struggles. How I wished I could solve this problem for her so she wouldn't have to suffer through all of this. I imagined being the one who could solve all of the issues and save everyone from being hurt…

But it wouldn't be possible… and my sacrifice might have been for nothing in the end.

That feeling of anxiety and grief was welling up in me, threatening to drive me insane. The rest of the day felt like it took forever as my mind tumbled around all that happened. The day dragged on like I was trapped in an hourglass, and sand slowly fell on me. I felt like I was being suffocated by the weight of my choices with every drop.

"Have a good day, Nakagawa-san."

Okabe-san said as she exited the door. I sat there… looking at my school bag.

"What am I going to say to mom?"

I was scared of the question. The thought that going home would be the breaking point worried me. I made my way out of the school, and towards the train alone with all the effort I could muster.

What am I going to say to Hana-chan?

How will I bring this up to Mari-san and mom?

And what will become of our family when I fully open Pandora's box?