Homecoming (No I’m not fighting a lizard again!)

I woke up with drool running from the corner of my mouth. I wiped it away with a yawn before walking over to the kitchen. Yeah apparently this universe's Peter put a fucking kitchen in his Spider-Cave. I brewed up some coffee for myself, extra sweet cause I'm pretty sweet if I do say so myself.I took a deep sip, enjoying the caffeine running through my system as I slowly perked up. Listen man, if you were stuck having to throw hands with Noir, you'd need a pick-me-up as well. I took another sip of my coffee as I looked down at my outfit. I was still wearing my Spider-Man suit but because I'd rather avoid staining it I covered it with a bathrobe. A fuzzy pink one if you must know.Listen, it was so that I wouldn't waste time suiting up! It's not like I wanted to wear a bathrobe. No way. No siree. Anyways, I sipped my coffee as I surveyed the Spider-Cave. The Cocoon had already been trademarked for me! At least in my mind it was trademarked. On one area I spotted Peni performing repairs to her mech? Drone? I don't know what that thing is but it's a machine. On the other side I had Noir sitting all broodily and probably narrating to himself. Imagine narrating to yourself. Isn't that such a lame thing, right voices in my head? Actually that makes me feel dickish. Narrating yourself is cool as fuck! Screw the haters! I took another swig of my coffee before I realized it was empty. I put the mug in the dishwasher and did a leap forward, flipping mid-air and sticking the landing perfectly. Thank you, thank you. I'd never get this far without my adoring and imaginary fans! Also Peni had done something to the Spider-computer that connected it to a doo-dad on Peter B. to allow us all to know when to go and get ready to head home. Peter B., Gwen, and Miles had all headed to Alchemax to get the thingamabob. As I finish that exposition, man I really am breaking the fourth wall all the time, I should be Deadpool instead of Spider-Man. Wait, that means I'd be ugly! I'd rather keep my good looks. I see the screen turn on in the symbol of an iconic spider before expanding to reveal Peter's face as he taps on the screen."Hey, is this thing on? Doesn't matter, listen we got the doohickey but there was a problem…" Peni immediately rushes over and begins speaking, "What sort of problem? Did the thing blow up? Are we doomed to be stuck here until we slowly have our atoms torn apart and die?"Peter B. just stares into the camera in shock, "That was a risk?! But no. That's not at all what happened, see Kingpin caught wind of us and is sending his supervillain goons after us. Now I'd normally deal with them all on my own but I… pulled my back." I just sigh and push Peni out of the way, "Where are they? Are you guys still in Alchemax?"Gwen looks into the camera now and rapid-fires a bunch of answers, "Theyareheadinghererightnow. WerenotatAlchemax, wereheadingtoMaysrightnow.Staysafebye!" Before the screen turns black with the words, 'Call disconnected' on it. I just stare for a minute, "Did we just get hung up on? Those dicks! I'm not gonna give either of them a goodbye hug! And I won't give Miles a signed copy of the training guide either!"Then I turn to Peni and grin as I rub my hands together, "Say Peni, how'd you like to be the owner of a limited edition Spider-Man training guide? I'll even sign it for you! It'll only cost you… like 50 bucks?" Peni just ignores my words as she looks up at me with blazing eyes, "You were gonna give us all goodbye hugs?!"My spider-sense rings and I take a step back, "Nope. I wasn't gonna do it. Please don't kill me! I still haven't finished scammin- I mean selling my book to the multiverse yet! Please?" Peni just walks over to me and hugs me. Aw, I think my heart melted. Or maybe that was the sound of my many medical diseases catching up to me. Anyways, after like 5 minutes of hugging, it started getting awkward so I tapped Peni on the shoulder, "Yo can we like go fight the bad guys already? This isn't some… sorta… girl-movie!" I shout as Peni releases me, rubbing her eyes. "Sure." I shoot some finger guns at her as I throw my fuzzy pink bathrobe off to free myself, and do a sick pose in my completely clean suit. Then I do an awkward shuffle to the elevator with Peni and Noir. The elevator music was at least nice. Catchy, made me think of Wonderwall. Wait, I got it! I'll sing Wonderwall while kicking a villain's ass! Man, I'm so smart.As we step out of the elevator we head into the house. Noir takes a seat on the couch and Spider-Ham materialises from the kitchen carrying some delicious looking pizza. Mm, I grab a slice and bite into it, savouring the delicious juices. What? I'm Spider-Man! I can burn off the fat in a day! Noir settles on the couch and picks up a rubix cube, looking at it curiously. He touches one of the colours and asks, "Is this red?" I shrug and sit on the sofa and turn on the TV to the Sunday morning cartoons. We continue waiting for another 20 minutes for the villains to show up. Did they get lost or something? Did they get jammed in traffic? If so, oof. Major condolences. New York traffic was the worst thing in existence. Besides taxes.The door suddenly barrels open and I flip behind the couch, my hands ready to unleash webs upon the intruders. Miles raises his hand as Peter and Gwen follow behind him, "They're not here yet? You know I feel like-" Just as he says that a tentacles comes through the window and grabs Peter B. before throwing him outside. "Never tempt Murphy, Miles!" I shout as I jump out the window and tackle the spanish-speaking guy with a stinger and an eight legged lower body made of metal. "Blah blah blah! I don't understand spanish, senorita Scorpion!" I shout before I dodge out of the way of his gigantic metal stinger. ''Yo voy te ensinar una lesson cabron! Yo no soy una señorita, ocho brazos monstruo!" I just fire a web in his eyes before kicking him in his fleshy chest."Like I said before Scorpion Senorita! I! Don't! Speak! SPANISH!" I roar as I land a flurry of hits, emphasizing my words before I kick him away. I rush over to Miles as the purple and black armored thing leaps at him, claws extended. I shoot my webs at him, and they wrap around his legs and I pull him back before attempting to slash him with my own claws, "Hey buddy! I don't think you've ever heard of the great old thing known as don't go after the kid!" I snarl as he grabs my hands and kicks me off him, sending me flying into Scorpion. As I fly through the air I take note of a rather strange shadow in the sky. Maybe it was a bird? A plane? Superman! No luck. I wrap my legs around his head and maneveur around until I'm on his back before I begin punching his head, "Ay carumba!" I snicker before my spider-sense buzzes and I flip off his tail only for a tentacle from Doc Ock to smash me into the ground. I groan and push myself up a little before I come face to face with Tombstone. Doctor Octopus giggles evilly and man I gotta say, if she wasn't evil, I'd totally hit on her. "This seems like an unfair fight for us. So many spiders, so little villains. Good thing I had the foresight to get some old friends."A gigantic green shape then slams down onto the concrete road, causing a crater to form and rubble to be thrown around. It looks up at all of us and snarls before leaping at the closest Spider. That just so happens to be Noir. He dodges and throws a few knuckle sandwiches but they don't even seem to faze the Goblin as he tanks them with ease before he snarls.A quick swing of it's clawed hand and it sends Noir crashing into Tombstone allowing me to get free. I leap forward and slash my claws at its back before my spider-sense buzzes and I duck. Sadly I didn't dodge the stinger Scorpion stabs into my leg before throwing me away. I grab my leg in pain as he crows something in spanish. ''no tienes respeto, gringo asqueroso!'', Still, for some reason, it doesn't hurt like it should. Like the wound hurts but shouldn't it be poisoned?I dismiss this thought as I flip back up ignoring Scorpion's surprised yelp before rushing forward. I feel my claws tingle for a bit but I ignore that too as I flip over him and drag my claws down his back causing jagged scars. I then raise my fist and slam it down on his head, knocking him out for the count. I sigh for a few seconds before firing a bunch of webs to tie him down.Then I look around and realize I lost sight of Miles. I look at Peni and Noir dealing with the Goblin Monster as Gwen, Peter and Ham triple-team Doc Ock. I look down at my hands for a second, seeing my claws covered in crimson blood and some strange greenish liquid. Why was I leaking this stuff? Was this something to do with my powers? I'd have Hanz run a few tests later.I charged forward, slashing the Goblin across the back, causing a wicked scar to form before I ran away, faster than he could retaliate. The momentary distraction allowed Peni's robot to land a wicked uppercut, knocking out a few teeth while Noir webbed his legs together causing him to trip over himself.Now if I was Miles hiding from an evil purple man where would I go? I gazed up at the roof as I remembered a scene before I grit my teeth and leapt up onto the roof, my claws dug into the walls, no time to wastehurryhurryhurry!This overwhelming panic pushed me faster as I spotted Aaron Davis, the Prowler as he took off his mask and stared into his nephew's eyes. My spider-sense began buzzing but this time it wasn't for me, it was for someone else. I grinned as I leapt forward body-slamming Aaron out of the way, causing him to fall into the backyard with Miles as a bullet arced into my shoulder.I gasped in pain, my hands reached out to grab my shoulder as it began throbbing with pain, leaking red rivulets of blood onto my suit as I slipped from the roof and onto the floor. I guess great power really does come with great responsibility. I snicker. Hanz was so gonna fucking kill me for this.