LIFE, LIFE IS SHITTY.

I stand there, my face evident with shock as I stare at the man before me. Unlike the last time I saw him, he now has a very white beard and most of his hair in gray strands. His hazel hooded eyes, look cold and ruthless. He hasn't changed much, except for the streak of grey hair and the slight aging lines appearing on his face, and the beard. Alexandr, my father. the man who run and left me and my mother behind to fend for ourselves. He left us to fend for ourselves. I let it stick. The wicked and self-conceited Alexandr is seated right before me and for a second, I feel I'm dreaming, or I was in that realm with the old woman again. My father. The idea that he's my biological father wrenches my gut and makes me feel like taking my own life.

He doesn't deserve to be my father, I'm too special for him. He run off and made such wealth and didn't even sit to think that he abandoned a woman and her child who he is partly involved in making somewhere. That's why he's selfish. Anger whirls in me like a hurricane. Pain calls my name. 

Amy tugs unto my arm, telling me to bow my head. I can't.

"How many times will you want to be hit filthy thing, before you learn not to flaunt the rules?" He asks angrily.

Me, filthy thing? The asshole. He's the filthy thing, he's the shameless man who will rather beg for respect than do the right thing to deserve them. He's the arrogant man who feels everyone should bow before him but is a coward and afraid of confronting his past and fixing the mistakes there, which are rotten and its smell reeking to his present and ultimately into his future. I'm no filthy thing, he definitely is the filthy thing. I want to tell him all these things, but for a very weird reason, I'm not able to open my mouth to allow these words rush out.

Amy keeps tugging at my arm, but I don't obey. I can't obey, my body is just still and doing what it wants. Maybe it's the shock from having to finally see the man whose blood runs through me, maybe it's from all the anger boiling within me, I can't decipher which it is, but I'm immobile, and my eyes, fixated on only him, as my mind is a world of chaos on what I need to do to him for abandoning us.

He stands close enough, glares, ruthless and shooting daggers but I don't budge, I hold his glare, not giving it to him back, just keeping a nonchalant face, he is so angry, I could literally see smoke fuming from his ear. He moves a hand to hit me, but everything happens quickly. One second, I'm standing before him, the next, I'm being pushed away. Amy pushes me away and takes it. The loud sound of his hands clashing with her cheeks vibrates through the room and simultaneously, Amy hits the wooden floor. The smack on her cheeks was so hard that, Amy spits out blood. she bows her head and says, " Please, master, let her go. We're sorry."

What the hell? The anger in me dissipates and a new set rush in; regret, hurt and self loathe. I run to Amy's side. I'm the cause of her getting hit. I should have listened to her when she tugged at my hand to bow to the master, I should have just done it instead of letting my anger control me. I make a mental note not to do it again. Not to flaunt his rules. What was I thinking anyway? Even if I told him I was his daughter, he won't believe me. Before I do anything of that sort, I need to make sure I have a plan, lots of plans. 

He ignores her and barks, " Out!" I help Amy up and we scurry away. When we get to the hallway leading to the maid's quarters, Amy breaks into an uncontrollable fit of tears. I feel my heart squeeze tightly in my chest as I hold her close and pat her back in attempts to console her, she doesn't push me away, instead she holds onto me tightly, arm wrapped around my waist as she sobs onto my shoulder. I did this to her and if I were her, I wouldn't talk to me again. I'll just walk away. This shows how really sweet Amy is and from everything I've gathered so far, that was how she was with Sasha too. Not again, I'll stand up for her and do my possible best not to get her in this position anymore.

***

I'm doing most of the chores today in an attempt to show my remorse and to apologize to Amy. I'm the reason why her cheeks are slightly swollen and bruised. Her beautiful face is now partly blue black because I didn't do what she asked. She's been avoiding me the whole day and spending most of her time in the maid's quarters. I don't blame her. If I were her, I'll do the same too. I've done all the chores, but the one I dread the most is cooking. I can't cook, I don't know how to cook, and I don't know how to ask her to come teach me how to make the afternoon food for today. Gosh, she'll suspect something is wrong and that'll blow my cover. I try to make something but realise maybe Sasha was so good at cooking, so if I cook and it's not good, it's going to create a situation.

ugh damnit!

Think think think!!! you can't be that bad. 

I'm that bad. Rosanna was the one always making food because she was a chef and my dumbass enjoyed it, so I didn't even think to learn how to!

"No, no, you're my baby and got to have a princess treatment so I got to feed you, go take a seat and wait for a magical meal." She'll say. Now look at me. I walk to the sink and wash my hands, and open the cabinets, the one containing the spaghettis. I will make spaghetti, nothing fancy. I skim through the cabinet and see ramen noodles. 

Ah! even easier.

Hell, I'm going to make that and sauteé it with some meats and vegetables. At least, I watched Rosanna do that with some chicken breasts. After all, the master is not around, and this is just the afternoon meal for the other staff and Miss Gloire. Speaking of Miss Gloire, I don't understand why she's the head of staff, she does nothing at all, Amy and I do all the work. All she does is walk around the house and disappear for several hours and return out of nowhere. I have a weird feeling about her, and we've also had our glaring battles. I've only been here a week and I'm not getting in her and master's good books.

That asshole I would have called dad. 

I pack the ramen noodles out and get to work. I try to chop the chicken breast in the sizes Rosanna used to marinate them. I think I added too much lemon and spices to the marinade. Fuck.  I taste it again, it's not too bad. I begin to cook the ramen noodles. 

After getting everything ready and suteeing it, I begin to dish it out into the containers I saw Amy use for the staff. I pack each person's and arrange them on the food trolley. Then I serve Amy's and put it on a tray and head towards the maids' quarters. I tasted this myself and I liked it, I doubt she will hate it. 

I knock on her door, and she asks me to come in. I do and I see her wiping her tears away, also she's laying in her bed and has her back towards me with her green blanket wrapped around her lower body. My heart breaks. I set the tray on the table besides her bed and sit by her and she scoots over to the other side. My eyes sting with tears, but I try to hold it back and not let it fall. I try to touch her shoulder but decide against it. "Amy, I... I'm so sorry I let that happen...that I caused that, I promise to listen to you henceforth Amy,"

"I'm fine, I'm not mad." She responds while sniffling. 

I know she is, " I mean it Amy, I'm sorry. I'll take up all the chores for the whole of this week just to prove it to you," She turns her head and stares at me. I have her attention, so I continue, " I'll do the chores for as long as you want me to, I promise, just to prove it to you that I'm sorry."  I add gingerly. 

She smiles, " Deal, I can smell something nice, what did you make?" She asks, but I keep staring at her, now that she has a face and body turned to me fully, I can't help but notice her reddish left eye. Yes, she's been crying but that eye looks too red, as if it's been punched. "Come on Sash, I'm okay, it will heal." She answers my thoughts. 

I try to swallow past the lump forming in my throat, life can get so shitty and weird. I hate that it's the man whom I'm supposed to call dad that's the one doing this, my father is the ruthless unforgiving man who hits women. I feel a tear roll down my cheeks, she sits up and cups my face, " We'll be fine. You know we've got nowhere else to go for now, so we have to stay and gather enough money for the apartment we saw in town." she says. 

What? she and Sasha planned on leaving? and they were saving? What do I say? Since she said they had to gather enough money for the apartment, then I'm guessing she and Sasha were saving the money together. Amy acts like the big sister, she's the big sister, so she should be the one saving the money, " How much have we realized so far? "I ask.

she looks alarmed by my question," Didn't you add your percentage to it the other time?"

What? I'm the one keeping the money? Ugh fuck me! I think quickly and like Adina, I say the first thing that comes in mind, " I added only half." 

"Just 300 dollars?" She asks, her brows furrowing. 

"Ye-yes, I had to get some toiletries Amy, you know that." I say defensively. If half is three hundred, then we're contributing 600 dollars each a month. 

"Sasha that's what you said last month, we need to get about 5000 dollars, I can't believe I've to repeat this, out of that 700 dollars Miss Gloire gives us a month, you agreed we both contributed 600 since we don't get clothes very often, now you're the one slacking."

The pay is bad! I wish I could just drive to me and Rosanna's apartment at Frayser and get back that money I saved from sex working. It was 12k including all those ones I had saved from the waitressing job. I nod and say, " I'll put it back, don't worry." 

she nods too and says, "I'm hungry, can I have my meal ma'am?" her tone playful.

I nod and bring her the tray. She looks at the noodles and chuckles, "Ramen noodles? I thought you hated making it?"

I smile, " let's say I'm in good spirits and a different person for today." I lie. Not a lie really, that's a half truth. I'm actually a different person. Amy is nice and I can't deny the fact that within this short while, I've come to love her existence in my life, but I can't bring myself to tell her the truth yet. 

As she eats her noodles, I think about all the possible places in Sasha's room she could be hiding our savings. I've already looked through her clothes and under her bed this morning while trying to fetch my shoes I kicked under the bed angrily after what happened in the dining hall yesterday. So where?