Chapter 10

Night comes again and darkness starts to seep in,

I stare out my window, to get a glimpse of the sky.

Even through the gloomy atmosphere,

The lights shine through,

and as little as it seems, they mesmerize me, almost like a magnet to my eye.

Looking at it, I temporarily forgot everything.

Hoping the moment would last,

And that I don't have to worry about tomorrow,

But it won't.

If only motions would stop,

With all the noises it carries,

I hear too much and see too much.

From time to time, I just want to be left alone.

I'm so sick of my surroundings,

All the pretense I'm seeing and doing.

Can I only have the moon and stars surround me tonight?

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I tried to close my eyes, to feel the void. To let darkness engulf me and free my mind. I feel too terrible that these things happened during the peak of his career. Something that he did not intend to do, something that would not even happen if I either followed him back then or totally cut off our connection. This happened because I tried to cling to both, yet I failed to maintain them. I have been too selfish to think I can handle it. I really don't want my brother to be continuously slandered because of me. But.....

What can I possibly do? We could have prevented it, but now that it has already happened, what else can we do? What's the use of this so-called brain of mine when I can't even think during critical times?

Is there a way to reprogram my mind as well as the people around me? Will the books I studied be of any help in my current situation? I've racked my brain countless times to search for a solution, but I'm not even near there.

Or am I just avoiding the evident clue that was there all along? I am not sure anymore.

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Maybe, the answer is quite simple, but I'm just indecisive.

Or maybe,

I'm not even indecisive, but I'm afraid to make the wrong choice.

Truth is,

There is one answer that can solve everything, and it can only be done if I am willing to step up. To clear things up for him, I'm irrelevant in the limelight anyway. People will forget about me, as they only care about my brother, who's a public figure. I am just nobody.

But once I do,

It would mean I'll be exposed to my parents that I've been disobeying them all this time.

By the time I started writing songs, I'd already been deceiving them. They do know I can play instruments since they are the ones who hired professionals to teach me, but that's just about it, they know nothing about me composing songs at all.

Even though I've written those in the past, when I believed it would be Aiden who would inherit the company and I could pursue anything as I was just a mere lady of the family, it still doesn't change the fact that afterward, I even trademarked a name just to hide it from them. I did things behind their backs on the pretense of being an innocent and submissive child. But was there even a time when I was just an innocent child? Who am I kidding? I wasn't raised like anybody else, they made me tougher than any normal kid. There wasn't a childhood for me, just a training ground to be an heir.

All this time, I lied to them just so I couldn't ruin their expectations.

And right now, these expectations are slowly killing me.

Sucking out every energy left inside, and transforming it to fear.

Fear that I might disappoint everyone.

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All I have to do is take that one step, just one step

But,

How can I take another step,

cross the room, and open the door,

when every step feels like a trap? A trap I created. I know for certain that there will come a time when I have to choose again to move forward, regardless of which direction to turn. But it is too soon. I wasn't ready for this.

I was too afraid to look beyond that door.

I was fine with where I am currently.

I've been here for so long that I can't even count the times I chose to stay.

Once, twice? I did it until I got used to it. Will the familiarity still make me hold on, or will I ever get tired of it?

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To be honest, right at this very moment,

I felt tired.

Tired of everything. And yet the fear is more prominent.

Every single thing frustrates me. And it's even more frustrating that I can't express myself. And that I can't do anything.

And what amplifies it more is that no one even knows how I truly feel, or no one is willing to.

I am secretly hoping they can be more sensitive about my sentiments. But I don't want to get my hopes up and get disappointed every time.

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Is it still worth it?

The more I think about it, the less convinced I am.

What have I been doing?