chapter 5

A little over an hour later, I once again stood in front of the shop from where I'd bought HK-47. My droid informed me that it was apparently owned by a creature called a Harch.

"Horrified Query: You bought me from here?"

"Yes, why?" I asked, curious at the level of venom in my droid's voice.

"Resigned Commentary: It seems to be a constant of my existence that whenever one of my previous owners dies while I am incapacitated I end up in the most insultingly primitive junkpile ."

I sighed at my droid's self-esteem issues. "Well, let me just make sure we aren't disturbed. Once we get in, ask about your body and how much it will be." I gave my wand the requisite flicks under my cloak, erecting a couple of short-lived muggle-repellent wards over the front door of Milanench's shop. For the next half-hour or so, the entrance would be as difficult to find as the Leaky Cauldron. Job done, I pushed the door open and entered.

Before I had even taken two steps in, HK-47 screamed out something at the Harch behind the counter.

" Demand: Tell me where my body is or I'll tear your legs off. "

Milanench clicked and chittered threateningly. It pulled out a short bladed weapon and a gun from under the counter and brandished them in what looked like a competent manner. Up in the vertical store, the dozen or so nearest Harch dropped what they were carrying and literally threw themselves up the walls, disappearing vertically into the distance.

"Translation: Get out of here before I have you killed, human scum. Where is that combat droid ? Get it out here now! Query: Shall I taunt him some more, Master? He does not appear to be in the correct frame of mind."

The shopkeeper suddenly stiffened on hearing HK-47 hiss at me.

"Some more? You added some unauthorised commentary, didn't you?" I accused, while dozens of crates crashed down behind the storekeeper, scattering metal and plastics all over the narrow floor space. Apparently the safety of workmates below wasn't a priority to these creatures.

On hearing my hissed reply, the Harch shuddered and backed away, six of his eight limbs visibly trembling. He even dropped the gun.

"Explanation: Of course I did, Master. I have many thousand years worth of frustration to bleed off. Watching you squash these bugs would be most enjoyable."

I watched Milanench back away, trembling violently. I got the impression that he'd have done a runner, except that there were a few tonnes of merchandise raining down right behind him, dislodged or dropped by the incautious workers above. Had he bolted, he'd have been turned to paste. Still, it seemed to be a close call, he was clearly weighing his chances. A low, staccato clicking filled the shop as every giant spider in the shop suddenly began making a similar noise.

"Observation: I believe the fat bug is rather afraid of you, Master. He and his family have wonderful screaming voices."I ran an eye up the vertical store. With the exception of Milanench, not a single 'fat bug' was doing anything but running, or at least climbing, away from us. Surreally, it was almost exactly the opposite to what happened when Ron and I met Aragog. A reverse déjà vu, if you will. "What did you say to make them so afraid of you?" I asked. Feeling that the accusatory tone would send the wrong impression, I clarified with, "I'm impressed."

"Objection: Master, I protest! Creatures like this are born with an instinctive fear of serpents. Any involuntary voiding of bodily waste is due entirely to your language choice, rather than my choice of language."

"Ah," I said, shaking my head. "It's nice to know that some things never change. I wonder if we can grab your body and get out of here before any blood is spilt."

"Calculation: I would say that it is almost certain that we will have to resort to violence, though there is a vanishingly small chance that blood will be shed."

I drew the Elder wand. I detested acting like a bully, but when someone threatens to kill me before I even get to say hello, I don't bother to extend them common courtesy. I disarmed Milanench of his remaining weapon before magically pulling him closer and adhering his six trembling 'arms' to the counter with a series of sticking charms. "Why the difference?" I hissed at my droid. "I mean, why do you think that there will be a fight with no blood spilt?"

"Answer: Because you are the only creature in this building with blood, Master."

I refrained from groaning. I was going to have to be very careful with my phrasing, given HK-47's attitude. "Right. Well, it's time for you to translate. And please do it as literally as possible this time. I will tell you when you can indulge yourself, understand?"

"Supplication: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Anything you say, Master."

"Wonderful," I growled in English. "Thousands of robot heads in this store, and I have to get the one that channels a psychotic house elf."

"Request: Do you have a question for the fat bug, or are you just going to wait for him to tear his limbs off his own body. So long as I can see, I'm good either way."

I glanced over at Milanench to find that it was indeed trying to wrench its legs from its body in an effort to escape. His many 'shoulder' joints were bulging alarmingly. "All right, ask him if he has your body."

" Translation: Where's my body, bug? "

The storekeeper clicked and warbled, still pulling mindlessly against my charms. Apparently he preferred to cripple himself rather than stay put.

"Translation: Get out, get out… someone help me… please have mercy… I beg you, leave me alone," HK-47 said in a monotone. "Observation: He didn't answer the question, Master."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Yes, I spotted that almost right away. All right, ask him again please, and feel free to add a mild threat this time."

" Translation: Tell me where my body is or I'll smear the innards of every Harch on the planet all over your shop! "

The storekeeper's rapid, high-pitched clicking changed to a low, staccato as its body started twitching uncontrollably.

"What's he saying now?"

"Advisement: He is screaming, Master."

"Screaming what?" I pressed.

"Qualification: Just… screaming. I assume my threat has overwhelmed its inferior fleshiness and reduced it to a blubbering ball of impure, watery slime. I suggest squashing it and selecting another bug at random to question. Oh, he has started making sense." HK paused for a moment, listening to the Harch click and warble. "Translation: Why are you doing this?"

"Tell him that I don't waste courtesy on people that threaten to kill me."

" Warning: Threaten the Master and lose your head, meatbag! "Whatever HK said, it was effective. The Harch redoubled its efforts in trying to tear itself free, only to begin uprooting the counter; my sticking charms proving stronger than the furniture housing. A rhythmic, metallic clanking from towards the back of the store drew my attention.

A robot well over three metres tall was trying to make its way to the front of the store. Its progress was hampered both by the excess stock lying in scattered piles on the floor and the fact that one of its legs looked as though it was from a much shorter robot. Despite the difficulty it had moving, my eye was drawn to the enormous weapon it held. Sleek, black and imposing, it looked like a massive cannon.

" HK, what is that thing?" I asked, gauging my surroundings in preparation for a fight.

"Answer: I'm not sure. It does not resemble any droid in my databanks . Contemplative: You'd have thought that after many thousand years someone would have been able to improve on my design. If this is the best they have come up with I may just scrap myself out of despair."

I watched the massive metal robot almost lose its balance as it tried to clamber over the junk on the floor of the shop. As imposing as the figure was, its mobility troubles gave it a comical air. "If I remove the head, will that kill it?"

"Statement: I suspect that subjecting it to a mild breeze would be enough to kill it, Master. It has been assembled for intimidation rather than function."

"Fair enough," I said, raising my wand. With a deft horizontal slash, I cast, "Concidio!"

The cutting curse tore through the droid's neck with a shower of sparks. On either side behind the behemoth, crates and merchandise also split under the spell. The overly-small head fell from the body, crashing to the junk-strewn floor. Maybe five seconds later, the rest of the droid followed suit, resulting in a resounding crash.

"Observation: That is an effective voice-activated projectile weapon you have."

"Thank you," I said, eyeing the metal behemoth. I didn't want it to get up again, in spite of HK-47's assurances.

"Query: Does it have a similar effect on meatbags?"

"Of course."

"Challenge: Prove it."Before I could so much as snort in response, Milanench collapsed as close to the floor as possible with three-quarters of his limbs stuck to a countertop. The Harch began screaming like a Geiger counter dropped in a nuclear reactor.

"Translation: The fat bug is telling you to take what you like and leave. Statement: I congratulate you on your negotiation skills."

I shook my head with a sigh. "Right, so how do we find out if your body is here if they can't even talk for their fear?"

"Answer: I'm sure the fat bug uses a droid to maintain his inventory, Master."

"Well, ask him to send the droid to you and you can talk to it."

HK-47 again spoke in that weird language. "Demand: Get your inventory droid out here or I'll rip your legs off and stake you out on the ceiling with them ."

The Harch lifted one leg and flailed it desperately. I frowned, but noticed the droid who had tried to speak to me last time I was in the shop. It looked like Milanench was waving it over with his leg.

HK-47 and M9-R42 began a rapid fire conversation. I watched the Harch tremble with a sigh. I stepped over to the creature, noting that its clothes were stained in a way that suggested that, as noted by HK-47, the Harch had indeed voided some bodily waste. I picked up the bladed weapon and the gun. Both seemed to be of good quality, though were designed for hands larger than my own. Oh well, having extra weapons to sell never hurt. I tucked them into my belt. Milanench stretched out one trembling leg and fumbled at the back of the counter.

"Statement: The fat bug doesn't have my body, Master. To show our displeasure, can we engage in some unadulterated violence?"

"Would that get you a body any quicker?" I asked, leaning over the bench, wondering what the Harch was doing.

"Answer: No, but it would be fun."

"Let's not go about making more enemies than is practical, eh?"

HK-47 actually managed to produce a sulking tone to his speech. "Observation: A dead enemy cannot be counted a threat. This is a disturbing display of mercy, Master. I trust it will not be an ongoing habit."

I sighed. "Trust me HK, if you stick with me, you will get your fill of violence and killing."

"Commentary: Promises, promises," my droid muttered.Milanench managed to hook his foot around something, and pulled out a drawer from the counter. There looked to be a large metal box of some sort within. The Harch pulled the drawer free from the counter and shoved it along the floor to me with a wild kick. He clicked and warbled, his pincers opening and closing.

"Translation: Take it, take it all. Just go. Leave me alone. Observation: It appears that with the right encouragement, these fat bugs can almost be accommodating enough to not warrant slaughtering indiscriminately."

I'd been conversing with my new companion long enough to get a feel for its personality. I waved my wand and levitated the metal box from the floor. "Really?" I asked dubiously.

"Answer: No."

A wand flick opened the box. Inside were several neat rows of credchips. I closed the lid, shrank the box and pocketed it. "Yeah, I didn't think so. Let's go and get you a body elsewhere," I said, releasing the sticking charms holding the Harch down. As Milanench scrambled backwards, I hit his retreating form with a confundus charm. He'd know that today had been a very bad day for him, but he'd be a bit hazy on the details.

I took my droid and made my way to the door. I debated leaving the muggle-repellent wards to evaporate on their own; it would give me a bit of a head start in getting away from the shop before Milanench sent some goons after me, but I had a real aversion to leaving magical constructs behind in the muggle world. Things tended to go wrong.

I glanced back into the store, to discover that I couldn't make out a single Harch, every one of the spidery buggers were massed together in a far corner of the ceiling, a hundred metres up or more. From the front door, it looked like a nest of baby spiders. Somehow, I don't think sending someone after me was on Milanench's mind. The storekeeper had managed to scale the height of the shop at a respectable clip.

I ripped down the wards and stepped through the door, back into the agoraphobia-inducing crowds.

Before I'd taken two steps, I flinched at a sound like someone tearing frozen electricity off to my right. The crowd surged in the opposite direction. I glanced towards the source of the noise. A robed figure holding a glowing green tube of light looked directly into my eyes.

The crowd behind the figure pushed back, giving him plenty of room, but turned and watched the proceedings curiously.Bugger. When criminals drew weapons on each other, Joe Public pisses off as quickly as possible and doesn't come out until the shooting stops. He only sticks around to watch when police are involved. I really didn't want to bother myself with law enforcement. As a group, they took themselves far too seriously.

Still, cops always had trouble keeping the peace in crowds, a fact that I'd used to my advantage on any number of occasions. I flipped my charmed hood up, ducked my head down and moved with the crowd away from the man with the glowing phallic symbol.

Another identical noise ahead of me heralded the appearance of a new figure; this one holding a blue light. He looked almost human; it was only the long, tall shape of his head that marked him as alien. The crowd split and surged around him like a rock in a stream. Despite my cloak's camouflage magic, this one stared directly at me as well.

Double bugger.

I stopped moving. There seemed no point in trying to hide, not when they could see my through my charm. I scanned the area, ranking possible exit paths by availability and crowd density.

The walkway outside of Milanench's shop was about fifteen metres wide. It was at a junction of ramps, one coming up from the level below, one coming down from the one above and a wide walkway stretching out hugging the front of the buildings. Out past the edge of the merged walkway junction, several lines of flying cars buzzed past in both directions.The two light-holding figures basically blocked me from heading along the horizontal walkway in either direction. They did not appear to have any projectile weapons, and weren't anywhere near enough to try and restrain me physically. I took a few steps towards the ramp heading up when another flash of humming light appeared in the middle of that path.

"Right," I drawled, knowing without looking exactly where another light-wielding being would be. I turned and glanced at the ramp heading down. Yep, there she was.

The figure wore similar clothing and stood stock still in the middle of the remaining unblocked path. She detached what looked like a silver torch from her belt and held it in a two handed grip. A beam of green light emerged with that distinctive sound.

I looked around, more curious than threatened. These cops seemed to value style over substance. Muggle police often found it difficult to understand my level of disinterest whenever they confronted me. The ability to apparate did wonders for your confidence.

I wondered briefly if the different glowing colours had any significance.

The figure with the vertically bulging skull spoke. " You will come with us ."

I looked down to the droid head under my arm. " HK ? Who are these people?" I hissed.

"Observation: They are jedi, and they want you to go with them. I advise against using projectile weapons, Master. Stick to decapitating them from close range."

I blinked at the odd, yet familiar word. Hadn't the robot at the building I'd arrived at mentioned it? " Jedi ? What are they?"

"Recitation: The ones holding lightsabers are called jedi . They present themselves as the guardians of peace across the stars, but they've been the cause, or at least been a contributing factor, to almost all major conflicts. With a few notable exceptions, they are a pathetic waste of adequate combat skills."

My hissed conversation with HK-47 caused the quartet to share glances. " Do you not speak Basic ?" the chatty one said in that unknown language.

"Translation: He wants to know if you are unable to speak the common language."So, they've got an overdeveloped sense of the dramatic entrance, decent powers of observation, but critical thinking isn't their strong suit. Do they have the right to detain me? Have I broken any laws?"

"Objection: Master, surely you don't bother yourself with such trivialities?"

I gave a small chuckle at that. "Not for some time now. I'm more interested in how they intend to force me to comply."

"Caution: The weapons of light they carry can cut through almost anything, Master. Even a chassis such as mine."

I eyed the approaching figures with rather more caution than I'd previously held. It would explain why they appeared to be unarmed except for their short beams of light; weapons that could cut anything would certainly give you an advantage in a close fight. Of course, the ability to accidentally cut your own arm off if you so much as coughed or sneezed at the wrong time would make the health and safety policies regarding practicing a little more pressing.

I looked out over the glorious, bottomless vista filled with flying cars. "Can any of these species fly?" I asked, noting the four different, though uniformly humanoid, species.