Guilt

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16+ chapter ahead. -----------------------------------------------

What pissed me off the most at the time was having so little personal time. I would have loved to do meditation instead of nerd studies or wave my light-balloon. What's good about regular school? Because you know the curriculum for the whole year. If you really have to, you learn it all and move on. Here, however, I've learned that many... in fact, all the tutors give their own curriculum. There's a certain baseline that they have to cram into our heads, and everything on top is at their discretion. Why? Because the galaxy is so fucking big. Try to learn all the flora and fauna present here. Of course, there are lessons like astronavigation, but that's where I fail, my brain isn't trained for it, and without a teacher it's no good at all.

When I approached the zoology teacher, he quite amiably explained to me that there are too many animals in the galaxy for there to be any definite system for teaching children. And his main task is somewhat different, or rather, not only to provide us with knowledge, but also to present it in a certain way. And when I asked him what I had to do to get through this subject, he said not to rush. A Jedi in a hurry is a bad Jedi. Total mess.

But I did find out, my eyes closed, that no one forbids Younglings, even young ones like us, to walk around the temple at night. And no one closes the gymnasium at night. I thought it was the other way around. Apparently, Professor Snape catching students out at night is a little deeper in my head than I thought. The benefit of that knowledge was undoubtedly there, just not very much. If I could stay awake, or needed my sleep much less than I did now, then yes. But otherwise...

Don't think I'd give up that opportunity to work out at the gym, I just didn't go there very often. But at least once a week I set aside two or three hours out of my sleep for the fencing room, where I could swing one of the light sabers whose handles weren't even removed from their racks. And I didn't forget the gym, of course. I went to the fencing hall more often, though. There, besides the training sword itself, were the spherical droids, whose raison d'être was to set the fucking Jedi on fire. But what I wanted from them personally wasn't the sword training, but the charges themselves, which I kept trying to absorb. I had a lot of time on my hands to catch the blaster charges, so that was an advantage in combat. And then, what the hell, maybe any part of the body. Heh-heh-heh... like my belly or... Yeah. I remember Vader doing something like that in Cloud City, when Han Solo tried to shoot him. But I have to admit, I haven't been very good at it so far. I have no time to absorb the charge. Even that weak one.

By the way, they started to teach how to feel energy to all the other children as well. It turned out to be part of the general course. Except that, unlike me, the children were specifically helped in this way. First Lairi imbued the orb with the Force strongly enough for the children to feel it. Then she very, I repeat, VERY slowly began to change the Force with which the orb was filled. Eventually the Force... let's just say, changed its spectrum, becoming very similar to what I was pulling from the firefly. Then just as slowly, she pulled the Force from the orb into herself, letting her little students feel the energy that was left there. Even so, it took the little ones three lessons to feel it confidently. I was even kind of proud after that. A little bit. Kids, whatever, what can you take from them? And I began to strongly suspect that I had been screwed after all. I just didn't understand how a child of my physical age could do this on his own. I really had more time for it, too.... But I sure as hell did more! Or was it based on my previous accomplishments? Totally confused. Okay, let's leave that question for later.

For the moment, my footsteps were directed to the fencing room. I hadn't decided what to do exactly, but I was inclined towards repeating what I had learned about draughtsmanship. Walking through the temple at night I thought for the umpteenth time that on the whole it was quite a pleasant place. Beautiful style, lively plants in the flowerbeds, different non-shouting colors. Except that for some reason the younglings live like an army barracks. I mean, that part of the Temple, where we dwell, evokes only boredom with its bare gray walls without any decorations. Oh, there's the hall I'm looking for.

I've always liked the Star Wars universe, not as a whole, but in the little things that actually form the perception. Among those little things is the smug wave of the hand, after which the doors open by themselves. After this you really feel like a chosen one, or at least not like the others. It is true that despite the fact that I live in the center of the Jedi congregation, I've only seen this kind of thing among them once. It's not customary to show off like that here. Maybe because there's no one to show off. I don't know, but I try not to use the Force too much in front of other people. The collective unconscious? Again, I don't know. But at night, when there's no one around, I can't deny myself that little bit, and now, with a wave of my hand, the doors of the hall swing wide open in front of me. Being gifted is cool, after all.

As I entered the room, I realized that it was occupied today. There was something small, red, and with a lightsaber in its hand, nestled against one of the pillars. I was about to sigh bitterly and leave, when I realized that this body was nothing but a small toggruta. Against the background of the red column with white patterns, it was not that it merged with the terrain, but I thought for the first moment that it was a little twi'lek.

Interesting how... Ugh. The tutors used to say that a lot, so I guess it stuck with me. But anyway, it's really interesting. I seem to have caught a break in my training. Sitting on the floor, leaning against the column, the togrita was breathing intermittently, trying to come to her senses through meditation. Even from here I could see that she was failing.

I've been curious about female Togruta for some time now, and now I couldn't help but go up and ask her name.

- Ahem," I coughed, stepping almost close to the girl.

- Huh?" she groused. - Who are you?

- I'm just passing through. Perhaps you need help?

- Huh?" the girl hesitated. - No. I'm just... I'm just... I'm sitting here... so...

What's that word sound like? I remember, my sister used it when I was in that world. Hmmm... that's right! Cute! She's so cute right now!

- Rain Dacari is my name.

- А... Ahsoka Tano. - Wow! (Laughs) That's so lucky.

- Nice to meet you," I bowed. It was the Jedi's preferred form of greeting.

- Me, too. Look, do you always talk like that? - She moved away quickly. I don't know why, but she did.

- How? - I asked her again.

- Uh... like this. Like Master Yoda.

- I don't talk like that at all. It was a joke. I saw him once, so I pretended to. You must have met him, too.

- Yeah. He took a class with us a couple of times.

I've heard of him. Back in my world. I just never got a chance to see it. I've only seen him once, from a distance.

- Right. You're lucky.

- I guess so," she said, as if she were thinking of something else. - Hey, how old are you? - Oh, you know, the kids talk about their own things.

- I'm five.

- Ha!" said the girl. - And I'm six!

- Well, - I smiled. - She's all grown up. And what does such a... beautiful girl does at night? - I know it's a silly question. I know it's a silly question, but we have to change the subject, don't we? Children have their own special relationship with age. I didn't want to have to figure out who was cooler.

And the little girl after my words again began to embarrass.

- I do," Ahsoka muttered. And she cocked her head and asked. - "And you? What are you doing here?

Right. The best defense is an offense. And in my opinion, in the female sex, it is embedded somewhere at the level of the genocode. A guy starts making a complaint? Attack. It doesn't matter what, as long as you start making accusations.

- Looking for little girls to give themselves a night feast.

Eyes open, mouth ajar, in general, all her appearance is asking for a squeeze. Not a beauty - she's too young for that title, but she's definitely a cutie.

- А?

- Don't worry, you're too cute to have you for dinner," I continued to make fun of her.

"Her eyes were averted, her head was down... man, I can't take it anymore.

- What are you all... - she mumbled. - And anyway... - the girl jumped up. - Don't interfere with my training.

Oh, children, children. I was so righteously indignant, as if I'd accused her of going over to the dark side. I wonder, by the way, where did she go before the third episode of the movie? There was some kind of mess with the explosion that got her kicked out of the Order, and then? Okay, never mind. I'll find out if I want to. And that's an awesome perk of talking to her - unlike the other kids, the chance of her surviving the Jedi purge is pretty good. Otherwise, when I'm around other kids... let's just say it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe a classic hitman would go to great lengths to prevent it, but I just don't see any way to make it so that I'm still alive myself. In the imagination you can imagine yourself a hero, but when the fate of the villain puts a gun to your forehead, you begin to realize that the hu of hu. You can call me anything you want, but I'm afraid of death, and in my case there's a good chance that it will be in vain. Eh, I'll never be a Jedi, I'm sick of being one, but there's nothing I can do about it. I was born that way.