Chapter 7: We do a moderate amount of tomfoolery

I stopped in an alleyway, in order to not be caught swinging back to my house in broad daylight. It was bad enough my secret identity was revealed to Hanz but now I had to break into NASA too. I seriously hope this doesn't affect my chances of getting into Spider Heaven. Unless Spider Heaven was just a bunch of flies going into webs. 

In which case, fuck Spider Heaven.

I step inside my house and wait a few seconds to see if my mom's awake yet. After a little bit, my advanced hearing managed to pick out the sound of my mom's snoring. I then went to quickly clean my suit, I'd need to find a better cleaner because if I wasn't careful my mom would find my costume and wonder why the fuck I had a one-to-one replica of a superhero's suit. Well, considering Hanz was making me a new one maybe he'd be willing to clean it?

I tensely waited as my suit was cleaned before hastily pulling it out and stuffing it back under my bed. I then flopped onto my bed and sighed, rubbing the bridge between my eyebrows. Seriously how the fuck was I gonna get into NASA and get out without making a mess?

Getting in would be easy enough. Considering my dad was an astronaut and had taken me there before enough times for me to get familiar with his coworkers. No one would bat an eye if I showed up, but stealing the tools and materials might be hard. I wasn't an expert pickpocket and I didn't have massive pockets either. 

Why couldn't my spider power have been an inventory system? It would have been so much simpler. But no, I get clawed hands and toes alongside organic webs. Maybe I could go in loud? Dye my costume black and just grab the stuff before breaking out through the vents? But someone could link it back to me as Spider-Man… but since Hanz was making me a new costume no one would really know.

I decided to call up Hanz to get a second opinion on my plan. It took a few minutes before he finally picked up the call, "Yo Hanz, it's Ace. I need a second opinion on getting your stuff from NASA. I was planning on- '' Before I can finish Hanz interrupts me. 

''Have you ever heard of the term Operation Security, Mr. Jameson? You're lucky that all calls are filtered out and encrypted from my phone. I do hope you would have some foresight, and talk in code, or at least in vague words to prevent any eavesdroppers. Y'know, something that could happen? Especially when you are trying to keep a hidden identity? And as for your second opinion, I have duffle bags for you to carry on my shopping list. And I would prefer it if you kept it a quiet affair. Stealth is the name of the game… Think of it being a Metal Gear Solid mission. I'll even reward you if you accomplish such.'' He spoke with a stern tone at the beginning before shifting into an amused one at the end.

"Blah blah blah. Nerd stuff, but I do have a way to maybe keep it stealthy. If you can help me dye my current costume black, I can sneak in through the vents, keeping my identity hidden, then it's just a matter of finding the stuff and getting out which should be easy considering I can just rip a vent off and crawl out. That sound fine?" I was pretty proud of such a smart plan before a pained sigh came off the phone. 

''Or better yet. You could go in the dead of night, having the least amount of guards. Detonate the EMP grenade to get rid of any digital evidence about you being inside, and avoid dropping anything that could be biologically traced back to you. And if you come over, I can give you the duffle bags to carry off my shopping list. Alongside the blueprints of the building, I have managed to acquire online, both old and new blueprints.'' He said with a dry tone.

"Sure, but we should probably still dye my suit black, you know for stealth? Plus the fewer ties to my heroic identity, Spider-Man the better. I'll even bring my costume over right now so we can dye it ASAP!" I finish my sentence by pulling out my costume from under my bed, ready to head out immediately. 

''You're lucky I don't trust any of the Mercs around to do this job for me. But sure, bring it over. Just walk here, or take a taxi. I'm already hard at work scrubbing your trail leading towards my house, I don't need more work.'' He said with an annoyed tone before extremely vitriolic-sounding cursing in German echoed from the phone quite loudly.

"Sure thing buddy! I'll be there in a hop, skip, and jiffy!" I say cheerfully before pausing, "You know instead of leaving immediately I could have just waited at your house and discussed this there. Oh well." I shrug and stuff my suit into a briefcase before heading out with it held in my hands. 

''We would've, but you decided to leave early!'' He heard it echo through the phone, Hanz was clearly somewhere far away for him to be shouting.

I then quickly, and quietly made my way out of my house, hailed a passing taxi, and got in before giving the location to the driver, and ending the call, "Wonder why he's so pissy? Eh, it must be hormones or something." I then closed my eyes and drifted off for a bit letting the sounds of the city carry me away.

About 30 minutes later, the taxi stopped and after paying the fare, I stepped out of the cab. The man drove off after wishing me an, "Excelsior true believer!" Weird. Well, it is New York after all. I exit with my briefcase in hand and ring the doorbell next to the gate. Actually, would it be a gatebell since it was next to a gate instead of a door? Anyway, I waited for Hanz to buzz me in.

After a few minutes, I see his blonde, arrogant, stuck-up, totally villain in disguise ass walking towards me as the gate swings open. I step inside and sniff as the smell of oil invades my nose before focusing on the stains on his hands. He must have been arms-deep in an oil can? I don't know where one gets oil stains from. 

I greet him with a grin resisting the urge to pull him into a headlock and noogie him. Somehow I can tell he'll dislike it. "Yo Hanz the Man….z? I got the thingamajig right in this briefcase. Now let's go swap the color palette!" I raise my free hand for a high five before remembering the oil stain and awkwardly putting it down.

''If you must give me a nickname, please just use Stein. And I can see that, I would've offered a hand-shake but one of my prototype Omnidroids committed creative suicide.'' He complained before murmuring lowly, ''No for the liquid limbs, such a mess!'' He said with a shake of his head and gesturing for him to follow, walking back to the manor, and then into a few hallways before getting into a stairwell. Knocking on a seemingly random part of the wall, it unfolded like it was from Portal. God, what I'd give to get to fuck Glados.

"Woah, sick doors. Do you have like… Have an Iron Man suit here too? That'd be awesome." I beam excitedly at Hanz. Only for him to almost snap in place, an intense and hungry focused look in his eyes as he stared at my own.

''Iron Man suit? I'm not aware of any such named projects. It sounds like a codename for something, a suit made of metal? A cape with a knight theme? Who is this, or what is, Iron Man?'' He asked, more like demanded subtly, as his tone was serious and… Intense. 

My spider-sense immediately started buzzing like an annoying fruit fly. Alright time to switch topics and play dumb," Iron Man? You misheard me. I said, Iron Maiden. I love their songs, you know?" Fuck that was too dumb! Divert! Divert,"No wait I remember what I was talking about now! It was all a really vivid dream I had."

''Relationships are built on trust, Mr. Jameson. Trust, and respect. I'm putting a lot of trust in inviting you here, giving you a plan to rob NASA of all places. And to offer to equip you with equipment to enact illegal vigilante activities. Sharing is caring might be a communist thing, but the sharing of information is vital and critical for any group. Communication is key.'' He said intensely, before slowly shifting into a more calm and focused appearance, and walking into his super secret lab or workshop.

"Trust me, buddy. I'd never lie to you. You're like… well not a bestie anymore, but you're like a dude who's like one good deed away from being a bestie. And trust me, the Iron Man thing or whatever? I genuinely just mixed it up with Iron Maiden. So, what's this sick laboratory for? Wait, are you gonna experiment on me?" I give him a double thumbs-up. 

''Unless you consent, no. Or you are in critical condition and need medical care, then I am a qualified Doctor. Not legally, but I do have the knowledge. As for its purpose, it was an old basement that I reformed and retrofitted and equipped over the years to be my personal… Toy Box, I guess you could say. And I'm sure I'll become your bestie, as while I haven't finished your suit yet, I do have some spare tactical gear that you can use to… What was the word you used? Ah, yes. Distance yourself from your Spider-Man persona. Nightcrawler is a good temporary name, I think, no?'' He said with a more familiar amused tone.

"Sick. Also, I'm not gonna lie, I was very tempted to eat your EMP device. It looked really similar to a chocolate ball. Next time make your stuff not look delicious. And yeah we can call my stealthy, shadow identity Nightcrawler… Personally, I'd prefer Shadow Monkey. Because no one thinks monkeys and spiders are related." To finish my statement I smack my open palm. 

''Unless you want to be called a monkey, and racial slurs. I would recommend against it. If you want an animal theme, we could go for Foxes or Raccoons? I'm afraid Black Cat is already taken.'' He said with a semi-serious tone at the beginning before ending with a teasing smile.

"You know, now that I think about it, Nightcrawler seems perfect. So let's get to work on making a temporary costume shall we?" I smack Hanz on the back and forget my strength, sending him stumbling forward a bit before he catches himself. "Oops, sorry!" 

''Scheisse… Spider strength?'' He asked, getting a nod from me before he continued with a nod of his own. ''I already got a ''Black Ops'' suit designed. You won't have all the extra features I planned, nor any designs, but it'll do for this mission.'' He said before pointing towards a clean table with bits and pieces of armor and clothes strewn around.

"So… do I assemble it or is there an instruction manual or what?" I ask, striding over to the table and turning back to look at Hanz. 

''I'll obviously help you. Just hand me over the tools I ask for, they are color-coded so just give me the colors I ask for. Gods know I suffered enough from trying to drill the difference between a screwdriver and a phillips one into Arslan's head.'' He said with a shake of his head.

"Arslan? Wait, you said he lived with you! Is he skulking around somewhere, waiting for me to let my guard down so he can knock me out and you can run your evil experiments on me?" I ask, looking around worriedly. My spider-sense wasn't buzzing so I wasn't in any danger. Probably. 30% chance. 

''Arslan is a rebel by nature. He mildly follows my orders outside of the bedroom but besides that… Think of him as one of those drugged-up hippies talking about peace and coexistence. Buddhism and all that. I have no clue how he developed such a personality, living with me of all people, but he did.'' He said with mild annoyance in his tone.

"Ew man, didn't need to know about your sex life. Too much information. But also good to know. Wait, I thought you were into Gwen Stacy? Is your boyfriend chill with that?" I ask, idly dragging a hand through my hair. 

''Our relationship is more of a Friends with Benefits kind of deal. It also helps that he is polyamorous. Amongst other things. But we didn't come down here to talk about my sex life and Arslan sexuality. Do you want the tacticool suit, or not?'' He said gesturing to said suit.

"Sure, but don't call it that. I was thinking we call it the Shadow Spider suit. Or just Nightcrawler." I walk over to the tools, "Now let's get to work, my mad scientist German friend."

After around 2 hours or so, me and Hanz finally finished the suit. It was pretty easy and Hanz blasted some music he told me was from Bioshock. It was pretty jammy. Since the tools were color-coded I didn't mess up much. And we finally beheld our finished project. "It's beautiful. If that suit was a woman, it would be a big titty goth girl." I said, wiping away tears of pride.

''I would personally compare it to the Black Ops assassins from Half-Life. And thank you, it wasn't easy designing the Kevlar to be so thin and work as an efficient bullet stopper. Now, I must warn you, it'll work on smaller calibers, pistols, and the like. 9 milimeters and such. It should hold against a barrage, or spray of bullets, but do not, and I cannot stress this enough, do not try to tank a round caliber higher than those from small weapons. It's a stealth suit, not Power Armor. It's Bullet Resistant, not bulletproof.'' He said with a pleased tone, before getting serious and technical at the end. 

"Sure thing daddy-o. About those blueprints to get into NASA. I'll probably study them tonight and carry out the robbery tomorrow night. That fine with you?" I ask stuffing the Nightcrawler suit into my briefcase. It was a little more cramped now but I was sure it could handle it. 

''Do not call me daddy. It's disgusting, and I'll put itching powder in your suit next time you bring it. And, yes, that's fine. I'm a little bit impatient but I can wait for a few more days. I don't think you'll meet any resistance or difficulties once the EMP grenade knocks out the power to the building, but it would be best to err on caution.'' He said before making shooing motions towards him. ''Now, go. Don't talk or tell anyone about this lab, or anything I have said or done. I have work to do.'' 

"Sounds good." I made some finger guns at him before heading out, hailing down another cab after making my way out of the manor, and then climbing up the little porch stairs as I got home. I checked one of the duffle bags and saw that Hanz had stuffed the blueprints for the NASA building inside of it. Nice.

Thankfully, Hanz had understood I was about as smart as a drowning fish and had simplified them for me. A bunch of rooms had differently colored circles in them, and neatly handwritten notes about them, and looking at the border of the blueprints, I saw it was the place that Hanz thought would most likely have the stuff he was looking for.

I headed up to my room and after stuffing my briefcase back under the bed, I flopped onto the bed and got ready to start memorizing. This was gonna be annoying for sure.