9/02/2018, 7:05pm

I am back dear diary.

I need to write about something that is too difficult to admit even on these pages, but I want to go ahead and just do it.

I am in deep love with Colby. Yes, Colby from next door! Don't judge me before you hear me out.

He is 19 and that's not a problem for me. A 3 years age gap is NOTHING! Dad's new wife is 29, dad is 46! Grandmama was married at the age of 15 to my Grandpa who was 26 at the time. I don't care what the stupid "law" says, the age gap is absolutely normal. in fact, this is how it should be! I can't imagine dating hormonal jerks who are my age!

The only problem is Gina. Colby's "Fianceè". He proposed to her right after graduating high school. The plus side is that Gina is attending college out of state while Colby is still here. He goes to the community college around here and I thank God every day for that! I don't know HOW I WOULD LIVE IF HE LEFT! Yes....it is THAT BAD!

Dear sweet diary...how do I kill Gina? I'm kidding of course, I can't even kill a fly. Every day I pray with all my heart that they would break up. I pray that Gina is a total slut who gets pregnant in college and dumps Colby (and then I heal the broken hearted Colby with all my love and support and show him what a loyal girl feels like.) I know diary... I KNOW! You would laugh at me if you were a real person. But love is irrational. I can't help that I fell in love with his wavy brown hair and piercing blue eyes....and that stupid dimple! That stupid, cute as hell dimple when he smiles. It kills me diary. I hope I don't have to slit my wrists in the bathtub like Anna did for the "Jared" guy.

I don't have it in me though...the desire to die. As much as life sucks, I want to live.

I like to see the situation this way:

1)Colby marries Gina and eventually moves away. I die inside yet I keep existing. 10 years down the line they divorce like mom and dad and I sweep in once again, rescuing my heart broken Colby. (I'd totally accept his and Gina's kids as my own though. Unlike my step mom.)

2)Colby and Gina lives happily ever after. But I gather up enough courage to kill her one fine day.

I like to imagine everything that could go wrong and how I would make it right. My imagination makes me want to stay alive. It's almost like I'm already living these stories in my head. Sometimes I cry imagining things that haven't even happened. Like my own death. This is how I figured out that I won't end up like Anna. She had no imagination and no hope at all.

Getting sleepy. Bye for now.

-Sasha