52 The Guilding Light of Healing (4)

Jinhai led Evelyn to the doors of the elevator with a hand on her lower back. He pressed the button and they waited quietly for it.

After they got on the elevator she couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Where are we going?" she asked him. He smiled, he had expected her to crack much sooner than this.

"You'll see," he said to her. Evelyn bit her bottom lip. She knew that asking again would get her nowhere. So she crossed her hands in front of her and followed silently.

He held the car door open for her like the gentleman he was raised to be. She got in and mumbled her thanks.

Jinhai got into the car and started it. He picked a station on the radio and soft music began to play.

Jinhai drove out of the garage. He continued to remain mysterious and refused to give her any details.

Evelyn decided to place her trust in him and sat back. She rolled her window down and the cool air blew in.

They didn't say much as Jinhai drove almost twenty-five minutes to the river of Tongzi. He didn't rush and drove at a moderate speed.

He parked next to the river and got out of the car. Evelyn had just gotten her seatbelt off when he opened her door for her.

Jinhai held out a hand and she took it, using it to get out of the car. The moon and sky illuminated the river, it cast such a beautiful light on the surrounding grass.

"What are we doing here?" Evelyn turned to ask Jinhai. He gave a small smile and held up a single finger.

"Just a little more," he said. Evelyn turned to look at the water and Jinhai moved to the trunk of the car.

Evelyn listened to the movement of the water and a breeze picked up, it caused her to shiver. She put her jacket on and pulled it tightly around her.

"Are you cold?" Jinhai asked her. She shook her head still facing the river. "Just a little bit, I'll be okay in a minute," she answered. Jinhai came around and he draped a blanket around her shoulders. It added extra warmth and she pulled it around herself. She felt a warmth of happiness at his casual consideration.

"Thank you," she said with a smile. "You're welcome," he answered. He stood next to her and it was only then that she glanced at him. In his hand against his side was a basket.

"What's in the basket?" Evelyn asked. Instead of answering he slipped a hand in hers and tugged her toward the water. Evelyn allowed herself to be lead toward the riverbank.

When they were close, he set the basket down and then turned to her. Evelyn turned her questioning eyes at him and he took a breath.

"I know you've been having a hard time lately," he started. Evelyn pressed her lips together and allowed him to continue.

Jinhai reached for her other hand and held them between their bodies.

"I wasn't there the first two times you lost a baby, and for that I can never apologize enough. I will apologize forever if that's what it takes to forgive me. But this time- your third time- I am here," he said quietly. His voice was steady and she listened to him.

The pain of her loss rose to the surface but she pushed it down so she could listen to what he had to say.

He bent down and pulled out a perfectly intact lotus flower and a tea light candle. He placed the candle at the center of the flower. Her heart tightened she didn't know why, but she felt the need to brace herself.

"There are many traditions surrounding the water lantern," he said. "Some use it to pray for good fortune, for worshiping. But it is also used as a guiding light for the souls that have departed," he said. Evelyn's lip began to tremble and tears began to form as realization dawned on her.

"I know that you never had the chance to have a proper send off," he said stepping closer to her. He was right. When Evelyn lost her babies she didn't have a funeral or a memorial of any kind. She just allowed the grief to swallow her in its infinite depths of despair.

"You should have the chance to do so," his voice was just above a whisper. Her eyes which were on the lantern between his hands, drifted up to his eyes. The tears in them began to fall. Jinhai lifted a hand to gently brush them away.

Evelyn swallowed the lump in her throat, and gingerly placed her hands around the lotus in his hand. She lifted it from his palm and brought it close to her face. The blanket around her shoulders slipped to the ground. Neither she nor Jinhai made a move to grab it.

The brisk air no longer felt cold, the air around them became very still. She closed her eyes and forced herself back to the past. Back to the first time she was pregnant. Back to the first time she lost her baby. She never did let it go, she always felt that she failed as a mother. She couldn't protect her baby. Over time it had become a little bit easier, but she never truly forgave herself.

"There are two more in the basket," he said. Evelyn took a breathe and then opened her eyes to look at him.

"Thank you," she choked out. She bent down and kneeled against the river bank. Jinhai came beside her and knelt with her. He took a lighter out and handed it to her. She took it from him and thanked him. She lit the candle and placed it in the water.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry that it's taken me three years to say this farewell. Not a single day goes by, that I don't think of you. I imagine how beautiful you should have been. I hope you can forgive me for not being able to protect you,' she thought.

When she was ready, she took the second lotus that he had waiting for her and lit that one. Then she placed it in the water as well. The first lotus was already two feet away.

'To my middle child. Somehow I knew you would have grown up to be my little warrior. When I knew I was pregnant with you, you gave me strength and purpose again. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. I hope that wherever your soul is now, there is peace,' she thought as she glanced at the light in center of the flower.

Her heavy heart began to feel a little bit of hope. Hope that there was forgiveness for her failures.

She lit the third one and held it with one hand. The other hand went to her stomach. She had felt life there just three weeks ago. She took a shaky breath then placed that flower in the water. The other two were further ahead and the flower took off toward them.

'I still feel you inside me when I lie still at night. I felt you growing in me and I love you so much. Please forgive me,' she thought.

Jinhai placed a hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. Evelyn leaned against him and he took that as his cue and wrapped an arm around her. He pulled her against his body and she let him.

She let her head rest on his shoulder as she watched the lotus flowers flow away. The sky was dark, almost pitch black if not for the moon and stars. The three lights on the lake were like these little guiding lights, to what though, she didn't know.

"You know that it wasn't your fault?" he asked her. Her eyes began to well up again. In all the years that she was with Shawn, she didn't think that he ever said that to her. Shawn hadn't outright blamed her for the loss. He was there to care for her. But Evelyn didn't think he ever understood what she really thought or felt.

She never voiced it to Jinhai, yet he understood. Just like how he always did.

"It was though. My first, Shawn had told me not to wear those stupid heels. Then my foot got caught and I fell down a flight of stairs. My second one, the doctors said was caused by stress. My third, the doctors said I had a hormonal imbalance," Evelyn said.

Jinhai turned her so that she could face him.

"Evelyn, listen to me," he placed both hands on her shoulders. She turned her bright shining eyes on him. She saw him falter slightly but he continued.

"It was not your fault," he enunciated every word. Before she could disagree, he pressed on.

"You did not lose your balance in your heels. Your foot caught and that had absolutely nothing to do with your shoes. It was an accident. Stress comes with the job and I know you have always handled that well. Didn't you cut back on your work hours when you found out you were pregnant?" he asked her. She nodded her head.

"As for the hormonal imbalance, that wasn't your fault either," he said softly. Evelyn knew that he was technically right. But she couldn't help but feel responsible anyway.

"It feels like it is though," she whispered. Right there, she whispered the words that kept her awake at night. The reason she couldn't let go. Jinhai's eyes softened.

"But you couldn't know. You did everything you could with what you did," his hands cradled her face. When she regained her composure, he turned her so that she could face the lights.

"Watch the lights. They are there and they'll be okay. You have to believe," he said. Evelyn listened to him and she watched the lights. The tradition was that these lights would guild the souls to the afterlife.

Was he right though? Could she forgive herself?

The lights were further now, they were tiny flames floating. She turned and wrapped her arms around him. He brought his arms around her and held her silently.

After a while she pulled away from him. She took a breathe and it felt a little less encumbered.

"Thank you," she said. She meant them. Somehow this was something she needed to do, to begin to forgive herself. He leaned in and placed a kiss against her forehead. He had done this before; the night she had lost her mother. She closed her eyes and remembered.

When she opened them, she looked up at him. He gazed back down at her and held her stare.

"I'm ready to go home now," she said. "Just one more thing," he said. He stood up with her and went back to the basket and pulled out a sky lantern and a marker.

"I know you've been missing your mother. In keeping with the theme of tonight, I think you should write a message to her," he said.

Evelyn stared at him. He had said something similar to her the night her mother passed. That night, he had handed her a lantern and a marker as well. She had wrote a long message and he did too. Then together, they had lighted the bottoms and watched it sail through the sky.

She stood and went to take the lantern and marker from him.

"Will you do one with me?" she asked. He nodded and bent down to pull out another lantern and marker. She smiled and walked back to the car.

He bent down to pick up the blanket and shook it out before following her. She set the lantern down against the trunk of the car and took her phone out for light.

"Ma, I miss you so much. I wish you were still here. Here to hold me and advise me. But I know you're watching over me. Please watch over my babies. Please give me strength to continue on. I love you, Xiaoli." Evelyn would have written more but there wasn't more space. But it was everything she needed to say.

Jinhai had already finished writing on his lantern; the words were simple, "Mrs. Wei, please let me love her." He signed his name beneath that. Evelyn glanced down at his lantern and read the dark bold words. Before she could ask him about it he grabbed her hand and lead her back to the basket. He had her hold the lanterns while he lit the little piece of wood at the bottoms.

They watched as the lanterns floated into the sky. The little candles on the water were at a distance now and from their point of view, it was like the lantern in the sky was herding them.

Evelyn felt her heart beating in her chest but without its usual burden. It was like this simple symbolic gesture was what she needed to lift a weight that had been on her.

She took a breath and for the first time in a while it didn't feel laced with pain.

Jinhai was watching her closely. Evelyn felt his stare and turned to face him. She smiled a slow soft smile up at him.

Jinhai's shoulders lifted as he took a deep breath. She couldn't read his thoughts, but she believed he was waiting for her. Waiting for her to say something-to do something- anything.

But there would never be anything she could say to truly express what she felt in that moment. There weren't enough words in any of the languages that she knew, to convey her gratitude.

However, where words seemed to fail her in that moment, actions compensated.

Slowly, she took a step closer to him. She gently placed her hands on either side of his face. As she carefully brought his face down to hers, she rose on the tips of her toes.

Her heart was pounding but she held his gaze. He watched her with slightly widen eyes and allowed her to command the moment.

Their first kiss had been fast, possessive, and passionate. This kiss was so much more.

Her lips touched his softly, tenderly. She leaned her body against his and his hands went to her hips to hold her steady.

Neither of them rushed as they savored each other this time. Her lips parted and she slid her tongue in to touch his. His hands moved to hold her more tightly to him. Her fingers threaded through his hair as they kissed each other.

They were perfectly in sync and when Evelyn finally pulled away, they were both breathing hard.

She opened her eyes and gazed up at him through her lashes. Her feet touched the ground and he smiled his devastatingly handsome smile at her. He kissed her forehead and tucked her against his side.

Together they watched the lights fade further into the distance. The lights that began to heal her heart.