Voices in my head

GAIL POV

There is a distant voice in my head that cripples me.It says I am not enough. It says I am worthless, It has called me many names but none belong to me. There is a beast that has made itself a permanent resident to my heart, it only wants to feed on my weakness, when I try to give it the "good" food, it goes into a strike and takes me along with it to a world of a deadly coldness that leaves me numb and just like it . . . Dead.

"What if it was me? "

"What if it was me?"

"What if it was me?!!"

The question pulls me back to reality like the sinking hole that dragged Alice into a mysterious other world where monsters and such existed, the question itself opening a door to a world I never imagined. A world I hope to not be a part of. Arian needs someone better than me, yes I need his status and power if ever the Goddess lets it be so that I may trample on my enemies. I need him, he does not need me. He needs a mate who is loved and respected, not disgusting trash like myself. I am useless, I am not worth anyone like Arian. His parents love him, his friends love and respect him, he is very strong and talented and has those God like looks that could put most if not ninety percent Wattpad boys to shame. He is just that. Arian.

"What if it was me?!"

Honestly I did not know how to answer that question,so I did what I did best. Run. Yes, I slowly got off from under my bed covers, and gently put the book I was reading down on the drawer next to my bed and moved away from it and ran to the bathroom pretending to be in need of a release. Arian keeps his eyes on me , his face clear of emotion. I can never read him but what am I supposed to say?. I quickly slide into the bathroom and lock the door. I can't think. . .

"IF HE IS OUR MATE, I WOULD BE HAPPY. HE DOES NOT SEEM FORCEFUL AND IS CLEAR HEADED ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS. HE IS NOT EVEN THE LEADER YET BUT HE HAS ALREADY CHANGED HIS BETA AND GAVE IT TO A DESERVING PERSON INSTEAD OF KEEPING THE ONE WHO WAS ORIGINALLY ASSIGNED.HIS WORDS ARE SHARP HERE AND THERE BUT HIS ACTIONS SEEM TO DIFFER FROM WHAT MOST SAY OR HAVE SAID ABOUT HIM. YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING THAT WE WOULD BE USING HIM OR THAT WE ARE NOT WORTHY OF HIS LOVE AND CARE. HE IS THE ONE WHO SCOUTED US REMEMBER? AND HE IS DOING EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE WE ACHIEVE OUR GOALS ALTHOUGH WE ARE NOT RELATED TO HIM. HE IS A GOOD GUY AND WE ARE GOOD FOR HIM." My wolf Terra says, his speech leaving behind a foggy image in my brain of what he could be talking about. I am not worth anything , I can't imagine myself on a high chair in the four walls of our world, in this world I am nothing but gum under a shoe. I am a burden and . . .

Before I continue to berate myself I start to feel sick again.There is a sharp pain that passes through my stomach, cutting though my veins and burning my insides like I've just been fed with toxic poison. I fall to my knees and try to breathe as loud and steady as I can but the pain is too much to bear. My anxieties always make me feel sick to a point where I want to just vanish and never be found again but this is different. I feel Terra slowly fade inside my head like he is going to sleep, a deep sleep that he might not wake up from. . .

"Terra?!"... I try to call but there is no reply.

I immediately start to panic and try to call Arian but my lungs hurt so much It feels like my chords have been crushed by a torn of rocks and I will need an army to lift them, but I have to try, so I scream. I scream as loud as I can so that Arian can hear me, I scream out loud so that these negative thoughts can leave me, I scream out loud and hope that the demon inside me would get annoyed and leave me alone. I scream and hope that my own mother can feel the woe in my voice and understand the pain she has caused me, the poison she has let to spread and destroy the core of who I am. I scream and shout as much as I can hoping to wake myself up. . . I am somewhere sleeping like the beauty of a far away kingdom under all the misery I have been through..can I hear me. . . can I please wake up and fight for me too? ....please..

"Gail!" I hear Arian kick the bathroom door from outside. I hope these locks are not strong.

Before my eyes shut and I am taken to a world I have no desire to be at, I hear Arian's wolf howl in distress as he continues to fight with the door, I guess he unconsciously let it out.The moment the door flies open , his hands are on me and I feel the fire within my channels dissipate and a calm warmth engulf my body as if from now on without it I would go back to that hell, so I cling to him like my life depends on him, because in this moment my life does depend on his touch. I don't know what the future holds but if . . . if Arian was my mate, I would offer my life to the Goddess so that she can allow me to love him until the grave becomes my new haven.

My heart feels heavy, my throat is sore, I don't know what is happening to me but as I look at Arian as he tries to get in contact with his father while still holding me like his world would shutter if I crumbled. I feel a tear slide down my cheek and I know. . .

I want him as mine.