Self Pity

Rieka woke up , feeling like she was run over by a moving train.

As she slowly regained her senses, she realized that she was in an uncomfortable position.

Her arms were wrapped tightly around her legs, her back pressed against the cold, hard door.

It took her a moment to realize that she had fallen asleep in that vulnerable position.

Her curled back ached as she tried to stretched her spine, her nose was stuffy and her eyes sore.

Her skull throbs and her muscles was sore and stiff, she  staggered to her  feet, " gosh I can't feel my legs." She frowned inwardly as she tried to get her legs to work again.

Her legs felt like she was stepping on tiny annoying blunt needles.

She moved slowly towards her bed after stretching her back to circulate blood around her spine.

Memories of last nigh came flooding back to her.

Damon's booming voice.

Her mother's cries, and the sound of flesh hitting flesh.

Her super heroin acts, and being pulled by the hair.

She remembered how she had curled up in a ball on the floor, listening to all the noise going on, downstairs.

And eventually, she had drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional turmoil of the night.

She signed as she tiredly slumped on her bed, taking in her surroundings.

The sun was just starting to peek through the curtains, casting a warm glow in the room.

Everything was quiet now, and she could hear birds chirping outside.

But the memories of last night were still fresh in her mind.

She could still feel the fear and helplessness, as she couldn't do anything to help her mother.

It was a nightmare, she wished , she could wake up from it as soon as possible.

===

Rieka never liked her Damon for trying to take over her dad's place.

When he first married her mother, he was kind and caring towards her.

He would bring her flowers and make her laugh with his silly jokes.

But everything changed after eighteen months of their marriage.

It was a chilly winter evening when Damon came back home drunk.

Rieka could hear his loud and slurred voice from her room as she huddled under her blankets, praying that he would just pass out and not cause any trouble.

But her prayers went unanswered as she heard her mother's cries and Damon's angry shouts.

Rieka's heart raced as she tiptoed to the living room, her eyes widening in horror at the sight before her.

Damon had his hands around her mother's neck, his face twisted in a drunken rage.

Rieka could still remembered his bloodshot eyes as he  glared at her with so much hatred when she tried to helped her mom that day.

Rieka brushed it off and thought it was just a one-time thing.

But as days turned into weeks and weeks into months, she realized that this was going be almost a daily occurrence in their household.

Everything thing went down the drain.

It become the norm for Damon to come home from work or wherever he comes back from and immediately start yelling at Rieka's mother for something trivial.

Whether it was a misplaced dish or a forgotten chore, it would set him off into a tirade of cuss words and insults.

Rieka realized that this was not the man her mother had married.

This was a monster, fueled by alcohol and anger.

He started showing an obvious disliked for Rieka which she never minded because the feeling was mutual.

She would usually retreats to her room, leaving her mother to bear the brunt of her husband's anger.

Rieka's mother would try to calm him down, but her efforts were often futile.

Damon's drunken outbursts became more frequent and intense. He would hit her mother, throw things around the house, and verbally abuse them both.

The constant yelling and cussing had taken a toll on Rieka's mental and emotional well-being.

She found herself constantly on edge, dreading the moment her stepfather would come home and start his daily tirade.

She even started to resent her mother for not standing up to him and allowing him to treat them this way,  she wondered why her mother refused to leave the man.

===

Rieka slowly made her way towards the bathroom.

After using the bathroom she moved to the sink to wash her hands she couldn't helped but give into the temptation of looking at reflection in the mirror and sighed.

She wished, the shower could wash away all those upleasant memories.

===

Rieka dressed for school, with her backpack slung over her shoulder.

As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she could hear the sounds of pots and pans clanging in the kitchen.

She took a deep breath and walked towards the kitchen, her mind racing with all the things she wanted to say to her mother.

She headed downstairs to the kitchen where her mom was preparing breakfast.

Good morning, Mom," Rieka greeted her mother.  "Good morning, sweetheart," her mother replied with a  forced smile.

Rieka looked around the kitchen, but Damon was nowhere to be seen, she even looked towards his study to see if she could see the man.

" He has already left for work" her mother said without looking at her.

Rieka adjusted her backpack as she sat down to have her breakfast.

She watched as her mother stands close to the stove, stirring a pot of soup, but she looked different.

Her usually vibrant and energetic mother, looked tired and worn out.

The lines of stress etched on her face.

"Rieka, what's wrong?" her mother asked, noticing her daughter staring at her with worries etched on her face, like she's ready to cry at any moment .

Rieka took a deep breath and blurted out, "mom why can't we just  leave him?"

Her mother's face instantly paled as she turned towards the stove with back towards her daughter.

"Eka, I don't know what you're talking about," Rebecca said, her voice shaking a little.

Rieka's heart sank.

She had hoped that her mother would understand her, but it seemed like she still don't want to leave her abusive husband.

"Mom , he beats you at every little provocation, he has anger issues and it's obvious he doesn't like that you had a child that is not his own. We can't keep living like this." Rieka said, her voice trembling.

Rebecca finally looked at her daughter with a blank expression "eat up " she replied like she didn't hear, any of the things Rieka just said.

Rieka couldn't take it anymore, her mother keep doing this to her, always trying to avoid talking about their fights or pretends like it never happens.

"Mom I know you are not happy with....."

"Drop it Rieka!" Rebecca cut her daughter off.

"Mom please, you have to do something about him, he is .....  "

" I know you never liked him in the first place, and you are looking for every opportunity to make me leave this marriage! "

Rebecca accused her daughter, her face full of anger.

"That's not true mom"  Rieka sobbed .

"The fact that you don't like him or that you can't wait for me to file a divorce against him?" Rebecca pressed on.

"Mom I don't hate him nor do I want to destroy your marriage , I just want you to be happy, you deserve better than this . Dad never lays his hands on...."

" Shut up Rieka " Rebecca cut her off yet again.

' What is it with this woman and cutting someone off , Rieka inwardly thought.

"I have had enough of your tantrum, your dad is gone , get that into your head and start giving your living dad the respect he ....."

"He's not my dad " Rieka cut her off as well,  speaking of being her mother's daughter.

"For God sake Rieka stop being an ungrateful child. Your precious dad is dead, Damon is the one providing for you and all your needs and the only thing he asked for,  is for some respect !"

"That's not fair "  Rieka sobbed

"News flashes Eka nothing is fair in this world. At least you have a roof over your head, eat when you're hungry and had the best education we can afford. Most kids are not that privileged." Her mother said with an annoying glint.

'Who is this woman and what have she done with my mom?' Rieka thought

Tears runs down her cheeks helplessly as she watched the woman she once knew said things she never believed she would ever said to her.

She was only thinking about her wellbeing.

Who would love to see theirmother been beaten up, almost on daily basis?

Rebecca turned away from her daughter  and busied herself in the sink.

"if I didn't had you maybe all this things wouldn't be happening" she whispered.

It wasn't Rebecca's intention, for her daughter to hear that, she just said that, out of frustration.

Whenever she's frustrated like that, she'll always forget Rieka has a sharp hearing just like her late dad.

Rieka knew it wasn't her mom's intention, for her to hear that, but she did and it hurts so much.

She don't know why but always has a very sharp hearing sense.

Even when she didn't want to hear things, she always do.

And it hurts so much when she heard what her mother said. It hurts her more than Damon's slap.

"Mom" she whimpered .

"Just go to school I'm tired" her mother shot her down, not even turning to look at her .

Rieka slammed the front door as she rushed out of the house

And roughly wiped her tears,  as she walked towards the bus stop.

She couldn't believed her mother would said something like that to her.

Does that mean her mother regrets having her?

Maybe she is right, maybe Damon was always angry at her mother because she birthed her.

Maybe  she would had been happy with him if she hadn't been in their life.

If only she wasn't in this world.

She wallowed in self pity as she sat at the bus stop bench waiting for the school bus.