Worried

(From Leandro's Perspective)

"Ella," I said as calmly as I could, "did you think that something has happened to me? Is that why you went to look for me?"

"I... yes. I was really... scared... I thought they had changed their plan. I thought they attacked you tonight," she said, a touch of tremor in her voice.

"You were scared that something would happen to me? You were worried about me?" I asked.

"Of course I was worried about you. I know there was no way I could overpower them. But at least, I could try," she said, not knowing how much those words meant to me.

No one except my mother told me that they were worried about me, they wanted me to be safe. But this girl... she did not even know me. But the worry and dread were clear in her voice, mostly in her eyes.

"You never listen, do you?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, surprised.

"You put your hands in that gap, didn't you?" I asked. There were red marks on both of her wrists, clear evidence of them being stuck somewhere for quite a long time.

She nodded, embarrassed. "I just thought that... I thought the gap was big enough. It's not my fault. I can't control my curiosity."

"But you have to if you don't want to get in trouble. Anyway, it's midnight. You can still sleep for two more hours," I said.

"I don't think I can sleep anymore," she said. "I'll just read the book."

"Whatever you say. But you're surely going to remember my words when you'll feel sleepy all day," I said and gave her the book back from the table.

Her tiny hands took the book shakily. It looked as if she still had not recovered from what happened. I could not figure out why would she care about me this much. It looked as if her breath had been sucked out when she could not find me.

I was worried for her too when I came back and could not find her. I looked for her around and thankfully, I did not have to do that for too long. Because if I could not find her, I was sure that my monster would take over me. It seemed my monster liked her. I did not know in which way, but when I was with her, my monster tried to take control over me but not for killing, but something, something unknown and something dangerous.

"You screamed in your sleep," I said, after two minutes of silence as she was examining the book very closely as if it was something very precious.

"Did I?" she muttered. For a moment, I saw something in her eyes. It was as if her gaze was blank. But she quickly, very quickly, in a blink, fixed herself. "Must be that stupid nightmare."

"What nightmare?" I asked.

"The one with knives and two men... blood... the forest... a car...," she mumbled, her voice seemed to be drifting away, but it did not. "... my bicycle... their deep voices... anyway, it's stupid."

She smiled weakly at me. But it was not a real smile. It was the first time she faked a smile in front of me. And it was so obvious that even by the sound of it, I could tell it was fake.

It was clear that she was hiding something or perhaps she was not comfortable in saying that she got scared by a nightmare only. Either way, she did not want to talk about it.

"My sister's name was Patricia. She was three years younger than me. She died when she was ten, precisely saying, she was killed," I said.

She looked at me, dumbfounded. I continued, looking deep into her eyes, in the same way, she was looking at me, "She stole my clothes and when I went to her to get them, she put a frog inside my favorite shirt. I got angry, very angry. Something, some kind of force, kind of like unbearable heat radiated from my inside and before I knew what was happening, I felt going numb. I don't remember what happened after that. When I woke up, I found myself in the castle dungeon, chained."

"Leandro..."

"Yes, Ella, I killed my sister," I said. The pain, the burden was too much to bear. Yet, after telling her this, I felt my heart getting a bit lighter. It was not enough, but I was surprised. Why? Why did I feel so good after talking to her? Who was she to me? Literally, nothing. But was she nothing? Nothing at all?

She squeezed my hand. That was the moment I noticed that we were holding hands all this time. Perhaps that was the reason, I could tell her. Feeling her touch made me brave. Just her touch had this effect on me. I wondered what kind of effect her heart would have on me if she let me make her mine.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Leandro. I'm really sorry," she said soothingly. "But... but why did you tell me this?"

"You asked me once," I replied.

She gave me a weak smile and it was a real one. "I'm glad you told me. I know some things are really hard to talk about. You probably think that it's your entire fault. But Leandro, you wouldn't hurt or kill your sister if you were in full control."

"I know. But does that make me less guilty?"

"No. It never will. But it's the reality and the truth. Hard or not, you have to accept this. We all have to accept this. And we can't even change the past. What's done is done. If you could change the past, I know that you will do everything to bring your sister back. We all have a lot that we want to change in our past. But there's no way we can do that. Rather, here we are, living this life, playing the dirty game of truth," she sighed, looking straight into the fireplace, staring but not seeing, losing in her thought.

"You talk as if you've got a lot to change of the past if you had the chance," I said.

"I have. But they are not as serious as yours. Well, never mind... was that the first time you shifted?"

"Yes."

"You really don't remember anything when you're in your beast form?"

"No."

"But then how do you remember that I touched your face that night?"

"That was the first time, Ella, when I could regain control over myself and shift back into my human form. I can't shift back into my human form before a day. But when you touched my fur, I... well, no one ever did that to me. It made me gain control over myself."

"Really? But I just touched, right? I'm not a fairy or something like that. Does it have something to do with weird girls? Like if weird girls touch you, you will gain control over yourself," she said. She was surprised. Anyone would be finding this out. But this was the truth.

"No, it doesn't have anything to do with weird girls, Ella. It's just... it's because you were kind. I'm not sure. It's just a theory."

"Perhaps books will say something about it. I'll look for more books in the library."

"It'll be a risk."

"You think I'm not taking a risk by working as your spy? Besides, looking for books in the library is much safer than hearing the king's plans. No one goes to the library. It's always empty," she said. "Anyway, do you know why you're like this?"

"Like what? I don't think I have any reason to behave well with..."

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean others in your world can shift into Orgades. But not you. You're a different creature. Why is that?"

"People say I'm cursed. You better believe that."

"Oh come on, Leandro. They even say you have horns," she rolled her eyes. "Tell me. I won't tell anyone."

"I don't know that myself," I said.

"Books..."

"No. Books can't help in this case. We all looked into books for an explanation. But there is nothing in them about this."

"Oh. But there surely must be some kind of reason," she said, her eyes thoughtful. "Leandro?"

"What?"

"Will you turn into your monster once in front of me?"

I was shocked. "He will kill you, Ella."

"Just for once," she pleaded.

"No. One time is enough for him to rip your head off your body," I said. "What are you, Ella?"

"Huh?"

"Aren't you scared?"

"Why would I be?"

"You just found out that I killed my own sister. Aren't you worried about your life? I can easily kill you, Ella, if I lose control."

She let out a hollow laugh, which made my heart clench agonizingly. It seemed as if she had faced things, horrible things, but was hiding that part behind her outer shell.