Chapter 2, in which I have the worst night's sleep of my life

I'm lying in bed with all the thoughts chaotically swirling in my head. It's the middle of the night, but my eyes are still wide open.

How did it all begin? When did my heart start beating for Hinata Shoyo?

We've been studying on the same faculty for almost two years. Different groups though. In fact, I don't see him often at all.

We first met by chance in a line at the library and given his social skills in a couple of minutes we already knew each other's names and chatted casually. By the time we had to say goodbye, he added me on Line.

We started saying hi when bumping into each other in common places. That was so brief, but he always smiled, which brightened my mood.

Soon enough, I would find myself looking for him in crowded lecture halls, at the canteen, in the hallways, at the cloakroom, hoping to get another chance to talk to him.

Before tonight, we touched twice.

Once, I was walking outside towards our campus and felt a hand landing on my shoulder. Hinata was hurrying and passed me by:

「(L/N)さん,お久しぶりね!」 "(L/N)-san, long time no see!"

And gone, just like that. I still got a wide smile from him though. The touch made me feel uneasy and I started realising that something's up.

The second time was in fact a luxury that I could not appreciate enough back then. Hinata was queuing alone in the canteen and I happened to be next in line after him, so, as I hoped, we ended up having lunch together. Time flew by. Spending the whole half an hour side by side and getting his undivided attention left me wanting for much more. When returning the trays after our meal, I stumbled and bumped into him. Our forearms and elbows touched and that's when my heart thumped for the very first time. And so my happiness and torture began.

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Chris Isaak - Wicked Game https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd-qI62gNJM

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The problem with nice guys is that they're nice to everyone.

Hinata is hardly ever alone. Almost always he's in a group of other guys, often being the centre of attention. Not that rare he's friendly with other girls around, from his group or even not from his group. Or even not from our year. Pffffft, but who cares? Unfortunately, I do. Seeing him freely talking to another girl would make me upset for the rest of the day. Jealousy was hitting me hard.

What else did I expect falling for a charismatic, outgoing, positive, kind, attractive and utterly charming guy?

Getting his attention felt amazing, but I started having doubts whether it meant anything at all or he was just being equally polite to all the dozens of people he happened to meet at some point. This realisation has been sitting at the back of my mind and bugging me ever since.

Nevertheless, there was no long enough peaceful time for me to get over Hinata. Somehow once in a while I got new hope that I still had a chance.

I would think that I'm fine and then one day an elevator opened before me and our eyes met. It was crowded, so I got pushed forward and ended up standing right in front of him. We didn't touch, although deep inside I was hoping for it. And he said:

「(L/N)さん,おはよう」 "(L/N)-san, good morning"

Despite the fact that this was a plain greeting, he said it so quietly that no one else but me would hear, and somehow it became very intimate. I froze and just continued staring at his hoodie. (Okay, that's a lie, at his neck coming out of the hoodie.) I think my ears turned red. Thankfully in a moment we arrived at my floor and I rushed out without looking at him.

Later I was mad at myself: I was so rude! I didn't say neither a hello, nor a goodbye to a perfectly polite person who did nothing wrong. He wasn't trying to mess with me on purpose, was he?

I've savoured all the occasions I got to lay my eyes on Hinata.

This works best if I'm sitting behind and to the side from him, otherwise turning my head too much is just making it obvious. Did I mention we rarely had any lectures together though...

Looking at his hands is the safest. There's really little chance someone can call you out on it. And I wouldn't say I didn't appreciate the time spent doing it. I enjoy watching his handsome hands, his fingers, the way he holds his pen, how he picks up his books, simply his left hand resting on the desk. I imagine slowly running my finger along his skin, touching every bone and vein.

Taking a bit more risk I would stare at his neck. The nape of his neck, where the hairline starts. The side of the neck that I want to touch. His Adam's apple. When it moves as he swallows, I'm hypnotised.

And then his face... My eyes are magnetised to his lips. But I'm usually too far to appreciate them fully. His lovely chin. His slightly pointy ears and his hair. I want to touch it so much. Every once in a while I glance at his nose and eyes, but doing that without the other person knowing is near impossible. To be honest, not sure how successful I was.

One time I dozed off staring at his jawline, how it continues into his neck, how it ends at his ear, how it's complemented by the cheekbone above... This is the spot I want to kiss. I don't — and don't want to — know what my facial expression was at that moment.

Suddenly Hinata caught my gaze and winked at me. Embarrassed, I looked away and never turned his way that day again. My stomach exploded with butterflies. That was new. I even put my hand on it to understand where the feeling was coming from. But what's with this flirting?! Does he do that with other girls too?

Another time I was staying behind in class finishing my notes. I was writing in my textbook and someone started hovering in front of me. It was slightly irritating, but I chose to ignore it. Then I felt the person put his hands on my desk and I was annoyed by the arrogance, so I decided to say something. I started raising my head — wait, these hands — and I ended up face to face with Hinata smiling at me. He looked as if he was about to say something, but then paused. We stared each other in the eyes and everything else disappeared.

It was the first time I saw his face so up close. I tried to take in and remember everything I could, but it was overwhelming. I just couldn't think or move. He didn't break eye contact either and we spent this way much more time than appropriate. Little did I know that staring at the sun from such a short distance for so long may burn your heart. But if I knew, I likely wouldn't care.

Then Hinata's friend arrived and indifferently poked him in the side:

「日向,さあ,始まるよ」 "Hinata, come on, it's starting"

They moved along and Hinata turned his head to say:

「(L/N)さん,またね」 "(L/N)-san, see you later"

I smiled back and hurried to gather my things, I was really late to my next class.

Some occasions made too good of a coincidence though. Like when I was the last one to answer on the exam, but he would happen to be right outside of the classroom to ask me how I did, even though, I know, his group finished an hour earlier.

However, I did not make any bold assumptions. There was never a twice-in-a-row occurrence and the following day he would be busy socialising with a whole bunch of other people. And I would be desperately waiting for our paths to cross again. I hated weekends, because there was little chance of seeing him. The majority of the time I was troubled and confused.

Still, there was nothing I could do about my feelings. The brief moments we were together made my heart race every single time and nothing else mattered. I've been riding this emotional rollercoaster for over a year now, until tonight it suddenly took a deadly loop and I no longer know up from down.

***

Yesterday's events and a sleepless night drained me, so today's going to be tough.

I'm surprised to bump into Hinata in the canteen, but I'm really confused about how to behave. He, on the contrary, is his usual lively self and greets me with a broad smile:

「(L/N)さん,おはよう!」 "(L/N)-san, good morning!"

I automatically reply:

「おはよう...」 "Good morning..."

I feel a bit better already.

「話したいので,あとで会えない?」 "I would like to talk, can I see you later?"

Huh? This is a bit unexpected. Is this good or bad? I am not sure. It will look as if I'm hesitating, so I hurry to accept the invitation:

「いいよ」 "Sure"

「じゃ,８時はどう?寮の近くの公園を知っている?」 "Then how about 8? Do you know the park near the dorm?"

「うん,知って(い)る.」 "Yep, I do"

「じゃ,またあとでね!」 "Then see you later!"

And Hinata runs off.

I'm so tired after the classes that I manage to get a couple of hours of sleep in the middle of the day. After I woke up, I lay in bed thinking.

This evening is going to be either great or terrible, nothing in the middle. I'm trembling with anxiety already.

I have to decide on what to wear... I'm afraid to overdress. Come to think of it, I've never really talked to Hinata outside of uni anyway. I have seen him a couple of times on the bus, but that's it.

I decided on a plain dress. No makeup. However, after some thinking I do put on a bit of perfume. This will be noticeable only if we come close...

I arrive early, but Hinata is already waiting for me. He's wearing sand-coloured chinos and a dark T-shirt, which I've never seen on him before. It strikes me again that I really like him. I'm scared of what he might say.

He notices me, so it's too late to run away. I get a bright greeting:

「こんばんは〜!」 "Helloo!"

「日向くん,こんばんは」 "Hinata-kun, hello"

He comes closer and stands in front of me looking more serious than usual.

「(L/N)さん,僕の話を聞いて」 "(L/N)-san, please listen"

I nod and freeze.

「昨日,(L/N)さんの部屋に行ったのは...」 "Yesterday I came to your room..."

Straight to the point, is it still possible this is good?

「今日会ってほしいと言おうと思ってなんだ.」 "To ask you to meet today."

And I was wondering about that.

「そうか.」 "I see."

「でも,僕は盛り上がってしちゃった.ごめんなさい!」 "However, I got carried away. I am sorry!"

Oh no, and a bow!

He's apologising for yesterday. My heart sinks, I have a lump in my throat. I'm frantically shaking my head and waving my hands in dismay:

「全然!」 "Not at all!"

I can't look at him.

「正しいことをしたいんだ.」 "I want to make things right."

And after a brief pause:

「(L/N)さんが好きだ.僕と付き合ってください.」 "I like you. Please go out with me."

I still can't breathe, but now I look up at him. He looks determined and serious.

「返事は今しなくていいから...」 "You don't have to answer now..."

I can't miss this chance! I manage to inhale. I hear my voice, a bit louder than necessary, ringing with agitation:

「もちろん!日向くんのことが好きだよ!」 "Of course! I like you!"

Hinata smiles. I love his smile. I could look at it forever. I feel a rush of excitement.

He comes close and takes my hand for the first time. It's everything I imagined a guy's hand would be. Hot, firm, bony, strong and comforting... I'm so happy I might cry.

Hinata pulls me forward, but soon turns back to face me, struck:

「いい匂いがする.」 "It smells nice."