21 too late

Chanwoo

"Your MRI results came back great, and your weekly physical therapy appointments seem to be paying off quite well. As you've improved so quickly over the past few weeks, I'd say it's safe to continue some light exercises from home instead of here at the office." Dr. Kim beamed at me from his spot across the room. His glasses were perched on his nose just right and his white coat was just as crisp as the last time I saw him a couple of weeks ago for my last check-up.

"That's great!" My mother gleamed from the seat to my left and held onto my hand excitedly, "What does this mean for Chanwoo in the long run? Should he continue to avoid work and other activities?" She rambled on as if I were a child incapable of speaking for myself, causing me to roll my eyes fondly.

I told her that Hyun-ki could easily drop me off at the hospital before work and I could get a ride home afterward, but she insisted on being present for my appointment and I felt bad denying her the comfort and reassurance that she clearly needed from this.

"Well," Dr. Kim adjusted his thick, black-rimmed glasses before continuing, "since he's recovered so well, I'd say Chanwoo could go back to work in about a week or so, but only working shorter shifts for now as to avoid high levels of stress. As you said, you haven't had any negative side effects or symptoms that worry me, so you also seem ready to begin driving again."

"That's great, thank you." I smiled politely, trying to ignore a strange pulling in my chest that was beginning to ache. As good as the news I was hearing was, I was feeling a thick dread in the pit of my stomach.

I knew what this meant, even though I was trying to deny it.

"This is amazing news, sweetheart!" My mother gushed as she squeezed my knee with her frail hand, "You can finally get your life back. It must have been so hard for someone as independent as you to be cooped up for the last few weeks. Oh, and poor Hyun-ki has had to put up with your antics for so long! I'm sure he'll be ecstatic when he hears this." she joked, causing her and Dr. Kim to fall into a fit of laughter.

I tried to laugh along with them, but my stomach was twisting wildly inside. It was beginning to feel like too much at once, and all I wanted was to get back to Hyun's apartment and snuggle up on the couch until he got home.

Pathetic? Maybe.

Did I care? Surprisingly, no.

Lately, it felt like any pride I had was slipping through my fingers more and more every day, leaving me whimpering at the door for the petit boy like a sad puppy waiting for it's owner.

After their laughter died down, Dr. Kim stood from his seat and straightened his pristine coat before taking a couple of steps toward me, "I think you're perfectly fine to get back to your own place and start working again within the next few days. As I said before, remember to take it easy. There's no need to rush things, and if you start to experience any unusual symptoms, please come in right away."

"Of course, thank you Dr. Kim." I shook his hand firmly and stood from my seat as my mother did the same.

"Don't forget your keep up the physical therapy exercises from home a few times a week! It doesn't hurt to make sure you're still building your strength back up. I'll have my secretary set up another appointment in a few months from now to check up on your recovery." He reminded me as we all walked toward the exit of the room, "I wish you the best of luck and an amazing rest of your day."

"Yes, sir." I bowed my head respectfully with a smile as he excused himself politely, "Thank you, take care."

As we walked to the parking lot, my mother's voice was nothing but blurry murmurs in my ears as my mind was filled with too many thoughts to process at once.

I should have been more than happy. I should have been bouncing off the walls with joy at the fact that I could finally get my life back. I didn't need to be babysat anymore; I could start driving, working, and living alone again.

Everything could go back to normal.

Except, no matter how I looked at it, I found myself not wanting whatever was going on between me and Hyun-Ki to change.

Whatever it all meant- whatever these foreign feelings were that stubbornly hooked themselves onto me weren't going to dissipate overnight.

I knew that better than anyone. I tried to ignore them at first, brushing it all off on the fact that I was confusing seeking comfort from my best friend with something more. Now, it was clear as day that these feelings were budding into something far more complicated and complex.

I wasn't sure if or how I could go back to the way things were before, and that was what scared me the most.

"Chanwoo?" My mother's voice snapped me out of my daze, causing me to jump slightly. We'd already started to approach her car, "Is something wrong?"

"Everything's fine," I assured her with a little grin in an attempt to make it seem like I really was doing just fine and wasn't currently a mess inside, "it's just a lot to take in at once, you know?"

"I'm sure it is, darling." she sympathized as we got into the car, "How about we get some brunch, just you and I? I think we could both use some mommy-and-son time, yeah?"

I genuinely laughed for the first time that day, looking over at my mother's slightly aged face. Her usually bright eyes and perfectly sculpted cheeks had begun to wrinkle a bit in the past few months. My heart sank at the fact that it was probably my fault. She'd been so stressed because of the accident and my recovery that she looked more drained lately than I'd ever seen her before.

However, one thing remained constant- and that was her contagious smile. Her straight teeth gleamed at me as her lips curled upward in a wolffish little smirk that I'd inherited from her. I smiled back at her and grabbed her hand from where it was resting on the steering wheel, giving it a light squeeze.

"That sounds great, mom." She let out a giddy little whoop and started the car, backing out of the parking spot and making her way toward the exit of the lot like an ecstatic child who'd just been promised candy.

As much as my mind was swirling with a mess of thoughts involving Hyun-ki and the fear of having to move forward, I pushed it all aside for now and focused on how much I actually missed my mother and deserved to enjoy some quality time with her.

With everything going on, I hadn't seen much of anyone except for Hyun recently. I spent my time in the apartment drowning either in my own thoughts or in everything involving the boy that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.

Also, maybe the food would be able to push down the feelings that were sitting tight in my throat and taking up room the more I tried to breathe, suffocating me slightly.

It was selfish, but I was desperate for any kind of distraction that would silence my nagging brain that seemed to be stuck in overdrive.

•••

Thursday night came quicker than I'd liked. Each day since my appointment with Dr. Kim seemed to whizz by quicker, the usual slow and dragging hours waiting for Hyun-ki to get home from work fleeting by in what felt like only a couple of hours.

Every morning ticked another day off the calendar, leaving a bad taste in my mouth as I was constantly reminded by the fact that I no longer had an excuse to stick around like a poor little victim.

I still hadn't told Ki about Dr. Kim's 'great news'. When he'd asked me how the appointment went over dinner that evening, I'd simply answered with the basics- I was recovering well and could continue light physical therapy from home. I decidedly left out the fact that I could technically start working again in the next couple of weeks and could pack my duffle bags and go back to my own apartment immediately if I wished.

It was horribly selfish, and Hyun seemed to hold back a few questions I could tell were on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't push and ended the conversation there with a relieved sigh and a sweet, gentle smile that made him glow underneath the dim lighting of the dining room. Of course he could tell I wasn't very keen on discussing the topic much further; he knew me better than I sometimes thought I knew myself.

We were sat on the couch watching re-runs of 'Friends', the night quickly coming to a close as I leaned back, yawning and stretching my back with a satisfying 'pop'.

I looked over to my left and noticed Hyunie looking down at his phone instead of paying attention to the TV. All evening, I noticed his attention was focused elsewhere. Every few minutes, I would catch him checking the device anxiously before typing away busily.

A few times, I even caught him smiling a bit at whatever he was so engaged in on his screen.

I didn't think much of it. I did find it strange how he seemed to be so distracted by it, though. Hyun-ki wasn't much of a tech-type person. He used his phone to text or call you if he needed to, but he wasn't one for using social media much or playing games.

Especially when with company, he almost never used his phone. He valued the time he spent with others, which is something I always admired about him.

Still, though, I didn't really consider this sudden change over the last couple of days to be anything more than maybe speaking to a friend or colleague about something of relative importance.

I sighed a bit dramatically, throwing my left leg onto Hyun's lap. He didn't respond to my action, fingers still typing away deftly as his eyes remained on the screen of his phone.

I grunted, heaving my other leg up onto his lap and expected some sort of reaction- only to receive nothing. Instead, his pink lips parted slightly to reveal a precious, tiny smile as his eyes danced across his screen at something he read.

My brows furrowed in confusion. Who the hell was he so interested in talking to that he didn't even notice my insistent movements?

I sat upright, leaning my upper body toward his swiftly and narrowing my eyes as I studied him silently for a moment. Still lost in his own little world, I lurched forward and tickled his sides where he was most sensitive, knowing I would surely get a reaction out of him this way.

He jumped, squawking as he doubled over and tried to pry my fingers away from his soft sides, face scrunching as his laughter boomed across the room.

"Chanwoo!" He squealed, "S-stop it!" I gave in after a few seconds, pulling my hands away reluctantly and allowed a gentle smile to spread on my face as I watched his small form dive for his phone that he'd accidentally thrown across the couch when I'd sneak-attacked him a few moments prior.

He unlocked it, eyes widening comically before he looked over at me and smacked my chest lightly, "You made me accidentally send a text!" I laughed heartily as he shot me a not-so-scary glare and groaned as he typed away on his phone once again, assumingely apologizing for whatever message I'd caused him to send in his moment of surprise.

However, he still had a ghost of a smile on his lips as his fingers ghosted across the glass of the device, clearly forgiving me despite my actions.

"Who the hell are you texting so much?" I leaned forward to try and glimpse at his screen, "Your new boyfriend?" I teased him, the words coming out slightly sour on my tongue but sounding familiar and much like all the other times I'd teased him in the past.

All of a sudden, his smile dropped. The air in the room seemed to change, going from playful and warm to something far colder and more distant.

I quirked my brow at him, trying to read the strange look on his face that seemed to be draining of color with every second.

However, a masochistic curiosity inside me pushed. Something in my gut told me to let it go- that nothing good would come from what was surely about to unfold after what I said next. I should've listened to my gut.

"What," I tried to nonchalantly tease, crossing a line that I surely wasn't ready to be on the other side of, "Got a hot date or something, Hyunie?"

Hyun-ki stood up, coughing slightly into his fist as he spluttered at my words. He avoided my eyes at all costs, leaning over to busy himself with plucking the dirty dishes from the coffee table before standing upright and turning to retreat to the kitchen.

My brows furrowed at his odd behavior. Why was he acting like this? He never responded to my jokes this way before. He usually brushed them off, either rolling his eyes or slapping me lightly on the shoulder before muttering something along the lines of, 'shut up.'

However, he stopped in his tracks once he was halfway to the entrance of the kitchen, turning around just enough for his eyes to meet my own. They held too many emotions for me to pick up on all at once.

I saw a storm brewing in his chocolate orbs consisting of anxiety, a bit of fear, and something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Was it sadness?

Before I could tell, he blinked, leaving his face frighteningly stoic.

His lips parted, and something deep in me was quivering with the quickly building tension. I didn't want to hear whatever he was going to say. I wanted him to turn around and walk into the kitchen so I could follow him there to help him clean up, domestic and comforting and just like how it'd been for the last few weeks.

I wasn't prepared for my heart to fall the way it did when he finally spoke after a moment that seemed to last an infinity.

Even if I held it steady in my hand, right through my chest, his words cracked it piece by piece until it shattered into about one hundred smithereens and slipped through my hopeless fingers.

"Yeah, actually." Hyun's voice was eerily empty in the suddenly chilly room, "I do."

As he turned back around and scurried off to the kitchen, I knew I'd missed my chance. In that moment, all hope I felt for possibilities of starting something new seemed to dissipate.

I blinked, closing my slightly gaping mouth and slouching where I sat alone on the couch that suddenly seemed far too big for just one person.

Deep inside me, a voice laughed. It was the same voice that told me how stupid I was for thinking that maybe this was some sort of wake-up call and how maybe this was a chance to start fresh in a new way.

It repeated the same words over and over again as I lay in bed that night, shortly after Ki sauntered back into the living room I'd finished cleaning up and bid me a slightly more than uncomfortable and stiff goodnight.

However, even my heart didn't deny its teasing this time. There was no internal debate on the situation and the 'what-ifs'.

I took Hyun-Ki's kind soul and gentle beauty for granted. He'd always been there before, so close that I could always feel him. I stupidly let myself believe that he was going to simply just be around forever- waiting on me to make my move when I was ready.

The truth is, the daring and confident Lee Chanwoo everyone knew so well was a coward.

He waited too long- and now he was too late.