20 bittersweet

Hyun-ki

The passing of cars flying by from beside my own seemed to be going all too fast for my brain to keep up with this morning.

As if Monday mornings weren't crappy enough, I'd woken up a bit late and had to rush out the door without so much as even bidding Chanwoo a goodbye as per usual. In the past, he would've let himself out without a word and shoot me a text letting me know he locked the door behind him.

This morning, my phone rang in my pocket persistently as I pulled into the parking garage at work and settled into my designated spot near the back.

It took less than a second for my eyes to read the familiar name on the screen before I slid my thumb across the glowing green button to pick up.

"Hello?" I waited for a response, worried that something was wrong as I'd just gotten to work and wasn't near home anymore.

"Hyunie," Chanwoo's voice was thick with sleep but surprisingly alert at the same time, "is everything okay? You were gone when I woke up and I didn't know if you were alright or-"

"I'm fine, Chan." I laughed as anxiety was clear in his deep voice from the other side of the phone, "I woke up late and didn't have time to wake you before I left."

"O-oh." He stuttered, quietly mumbling something to himself that I couldn't quite catch. "Right. That makes sense. Sorry, I wasn't thinking about the time, I'm just used to you waking me up I guess..." His chuckle was nervous and spiked with embarrassment as he fumbled over his words.

What the hell?

"It's alright." I hesitated for a moment, "Is everything okay? You seem a bit off..." I waited for his response curiously, noting the way he seemed to be thinking carefully about what he was going to say.

"Oh!" I flinched at his sudden response, making my heart jump in my chest, "Yeah, everything's great. You're already running late, don't worry about me. Get your ass to work, young man!"

"Okay, okay!" I giggled, "I just got here. I'll see you when I get home, yeah?"

"Yeah," I could hear the smile on his lips and got lost in my thoughts as I pictured them in all their full, rosy glory, "Have a good day at work Hyunie."

I hummed and pulled my phone away from my ear as I ended the call, trying not to read too much into the unfamiliar, anxious tone in Chanwoo's voice.

He never would've called like that before, he would've just assumed I had to leave early or had something urgent to take care of. His extra concern made my insides flutter selfishly, but I couldn't find it in myself to care as I quickly gathered my belongings and exited my car.

Manuscripts and articles wouldn't miraculously edit themselves, leaving me to work more diligently then I'd had to for a while. It was a busy day, and my mind felt as if it was going one hundred miles a minute.

By the time lunch rolled around, I barely gave myself enough time to eat and instead spent most of the break at my desk sifting through and organizing various documents I had yet to finish editing.

Luckily, the remaining hours went by in a flash as I kept to myself and practically only lifted my head to get up and use the restroom or to stretch for a moment before resuming my work.

I was packing up my belongings and slipping a few unedited documents into my bag when I felt a delicate tap on my shoulder.

"Hey, Hyun-ki!" I turned around to see Seoyeon smiling up at me with eyes full of a joy that many envied. She was a friend from college and ended up working at the same company as me after graduation. She'd always been kind, caring, and affectionate toward others.

Her outgoing personality was the opposite of mine, but her understanding and empathetic nature allowed me to feel like I could trust her early on into our friendship. Meeting new people was never my strong suit, but having at least one familiar face in the workplace fresh out of college was a comfort she gladly provided. Other than Chanwoo, she was one of my closest friends.

She also knew the truth.

She knew my feelings for Chan were far stronger than just a friendship, and more often than not, she helped me cope when things became just a bit too much to bear all on my own. To say I was grateful for our friendship was an understatement.

In a world where I kept my feelings locked up in a dark cage with padlocks who had no key, she provided a sturdy shoulder to rely on and sometimes the harsh words I needed to hear that woke me up and forced me to face reality.

"Hey, Seoyeon!" I smiled at her before continuing to clean up my workspace so I could leave for the day, "What's up?"

"I'm heading out, but I couldn't find you at lunch and I wanted to talk to you about something really quick." Her feathery voice was innocent and sweet- more than it usually was.

Uh oh.

This could only mean one thing- she was up to something.

I stopped my movements and eyed her suspiciously for a moment, watching as a small smirk formed its way onto her pink-tinted lips. This wasn't looking good for me, and I knew she was about to bring something up that most likely would cause me some sort of distress.

"Ah, sorry. I was catching up on some work during lunch. The last thing I need right now is to fall behind again." I explained, "What is it that you wanted to talk about? Not to rush you or anything, but I have to get going in a few because-"

"Yeah, yeah. I know," she huffed, rolling her black-lined eyes and putting a manicured hand on her hips, "Chanwoo's at home waiting for his precious wife to come take care of him."

"It's not like that..." I muttered, a blush rising to my cheeks as I quickly grew flustered at just hearing her address me as Chanwoo's wife.

The thing is, it was like that- and we both knew it.

"Whatever." She dismissed, flipping her long chestnut hair behind her shoulder as she walked around my desk to sit on the side of it so I was forced to look at her during our exchange. "I know if I text you about this, you won't respond and you'll have time to come up with some bullshit excuse to get out of it before I see you tomorrow. Therefore, I need to talk to you about this now. Also, it'll only take a moment so don't get your panties in a twist."

"Alright," I gave in, "what is it?" I signed, knowing she was spot on in the fact that I would just delay the inevitable and ignore her messages and pretend I never saw them if they involved something I didn't want to think about at the time. She learned from the past that I was horrible at coming up with excuses on the spot and couldn't lie to her even if my life depended on it.

In my defense, I think it had more to do with the fact that she was just extremely good at reading people and less to do with the possibility that I was a terrible liar.

"Well," Seoyeon twisted a piece of shiny hair between two fingers as she smiled up at me with a child-like hope, "we both know it's been far too long since you've gotten laid. You're going to turn to dust any day now, and what kind of pal would I be to let that happen?"

"Seoyeon!" I gasped, glancing around us frantically in hopes that the last dozen or so stragglers still remaining in the office hadn't heard her crude words.

"Alright, alright! I'm sorry," she cackled to herself. I placed a hand on my forehead and groaned, wishing the conversation would end so I could just go home and see the only person who could truly make even the most stressful day a great one. "I'm only joking! Seriously though, hear me out, at least?"

I let my hand fall from my face and felt guilt bubble in my chest as Seoyeon's teasing expression faded into a much more serious one. Knowing she truly did mean well, I nodded for her to continue her speech.

"So," she started, "There's this new guy in the Human Resources department. Joonjae introduced him to us at lunch on Friday but you weren't around. Funnily enough, you weren't around to meet him today, either."

I raised a brow at her, already knowing where this was going but wishing on all the stars in the sky that I'd be pleasantly surprised and this wouldn't turn into one of her match-making fantasies, "Okay...and?"

"He's really sweet! His name is Oh Minjun. He's totally your type, too! He's tall, has perfect manners, a nice deep voice, and strong features that are to die for." She threw caution to the wind and blurted words at me as though she'd been dying to spill the news to me for weeks, "On top of all that, Joonjae told me that just so happens to be very single and very much so homosexual."

"Seoyeon, thank you for trying, but I know where this is going-" I tried to let her down easy, but as per usual, she wasn't ready to give up just yet.

"The getting laid part was just a joke, Hyun! He's really sweet, and if you got to know him I think you'd really like him. You haven't been on a date in ages and you deserve to have someone take care of you for a change. I really think he could be that person for you."

My gut twisted at her words. As much as I wanted to fight back and say that she was wrong and that I don't need anyone to take care of me, a part of me deep inside was hurting.

It was craving attention beyond a touch here and there. It wanted more than just a pat on the head or a snuggle that left me yearning for more.

It wants more, but from someone that it can't get it from- someone whose off limits.

"What's the point?" I sighed exasperatedly, "You know these things never work out for me." I couldn't help but be pessimistic. I would go on dates every once in a while, and if things went swimmingly then maybe even a second date would follow. However, my heart could never fully give itself to anyone.

It wanted the one person that it couldn't have, and no matter how hard I tried, I failed to break loose of the chains that was binding my heart and soul to him.

"Yoo Hyun-ki, answer me this. How long are you going to keep waiting around for something that probably won't happen? You know I love you to the moon and back, but I can't sit around and watch you waste away while Chanwoo's out there living his life without even looking back to make sure you're still there. He goes, you follow. He's got you on a damn leash, and it's time to break free from the collar and start living your own life- not in his shadow."

"Chanwoo cares." I couldn't help but defend him, "I don't expect him to revolve his life around me. I'm the one that was foolish enough to let myself fall in love with my best friend. He's done nothing wrong." The more I spoke, the more I knew Seoyeon was right.

She didn't know Chan like I did, but they'd met a few times at gatherings over the last couple of years or when we'd hung out as a larger group with some college friends. Seoyeon didn't necessarily have a problem with Chanwoo, but she felt as though he took me for granted. To her, he treated me like a little brother- like family instead of something meant to be cherished.

A large part of me knew that was because she never got to see how it was when we were alone or in a smaller crowd of people. When she saw us together, Chanwoo was surrounded by a mass of people. Everyone loved him, and all the attention made me cower, leaving me off in some corner tucked away from the spotlight. Even then, he always checked on me. His glances, reassuring words and comfort was always provided. However, when we were in a cozier environment or alone, he wasn't ever one to hold back.

Usually, he was always touching me somewhere. Whether it was an arm strewn over my shoulder, a hand tucked into my hair messily, or just the heat of our legs touching as we sat next to one another, he was always there in some way.

She'd seen his affection toward me, but it did nothing to ease the flare of anger she felt toward him for not seeing how I felt over the years of our friendship. She claimed that he was either the most stupid person on the planet for not knowing how I felt toward him or that he was simply in denial. I always pushed her snarky comments aside, but it was becoming more and more apparent to me just how much more I'd been affected by Chanwoo recently.

My mind flashed to how he'd been acting a little strange recently as well. A nervous tingle spread low in my tummy as I wondered for a moment if maybe, just maybe he was starting to suspect something.

Was I too obvious? Was I becoming worse at hiding my feelings? Does he know?

I was ripped from my thoughts as Seoyeon's painted lips turned into a frown and opened to let out a solemn sigh, "Hyun, you know I'm doing this because I care. I know you feel like there's no one out there better for you than Chanwoo. At the end of the day, you deserve better than this. Don't waste your time wishing on a star that's too dim. Just try this out, yeah? If it doesn't work out, then it's no big deal. It's just a date, but I really do think you guys will get along great."

I let her words sink in, my tense body relaxing slightly as she laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. I knew she was right, and that's what hurt the most.

The chances of Chanwoo feeling something for me were slim to none, and the reality of the situation was that I was in fact waiting for something-anything, to happen. Even if I didn't want to admit it, claiming that I was happy to be alone and that I didn't need anything else in my life right now was a lie.

There was only so much I could take of dragging myself along this winding road of a pain I couldn't even describe.

It was like walking through a field of roses. The thorns tore at my skin and made me bleed, but the petals showed such a rich, true beauty that the pain was worth it in the end.

"What makes you think this time will be any different?" My voice was small and vulnerable as I looked up to meet her eyes with my own. In that moment, I felt like a scared child afraid to sleep on their own for the first time. I felt pathetic, helpless and embarrassed at just how deep I let myself fall.

It was nothing new. I should be used to feeling this way after years of being Chanwoo's best friend and nothing more.

I should be angry at myself for loving him the way I do, and I should be numb from feeling the same pain for so long, so why does trying to distance myself from him hurt so bad?

"I can't make any promises," Seoyeon's warm voice did its best to soothe my aching heart, but it merely surrounded it with a bandage instead of mending it together with the stitches it was in need of, "but you've got nothing to lose. So, you know what I say? It's worth one hell of a shot."

I didn't want to keep pushing myself away from the chance that I might be able to find happiness if I tried hard enough. It was scary to put yourself out there and let someone in when the person you really wanted was back at your apartment waiting for you to get home.

Chanwoo is all warmth. He's strength, love, and compassion all rolled into one. He's one of a kind, and even his imperfections burned their way into my heart.

Yet, I'm doing nothing but hold onto a dream so far away I can't even begin to grasp it. The way he's acted as of late probably mean nothing. He needs comfort after the accident- it's his way of coping. I'd be there for him no matter what, but the probability that I was being too wishful in the fact that I thought I was seeing some new, unexplainable progress between us was outweighed by simple logic.

To Chanwoo, I'm a best friend, a brother, and someone he can always rely on.

After all these years, maybe it's time that I finally try and let go.

If I don't, I'll be stuck in a vicious cycle of bittersweet hope that leads to inevitable disappointment.

Maybe it's time I take a bite of the forbidden fruit that's been dangling in front of my face for what feels like an eternity, telling me that it's the easy way out.

'Let go of him and let yourself latch onto something new, exciting, and fresh. Let yourself be loved.' It says, over and over again.

My phone chimed, making me jump slightly as I was yanked from the silence of my thoughts. I pulled it out of my pocket and allowed my eyes to skim over the message before I looked away after a moment and shoved it back into it's rightful place in my jeans without responding to the text. The name flashed behind my lids again and again as guilt started to rush over me. I took a deep breath and relaxed into Seoyeon's embrace, relishing in the way that her hand soothed over my back gently to calm the storm brewing in my mind.

What I was about to do felt naive and stupid. None of the stars felt aligned, and my heart felt heavy in my chest. Yet, it was worth a shot.

It was a bittersweet pang in my chest that throbbed deep in my core. Although I didn't have much hope, maybe this time things will be different.

If I can somehow let him go for real this time, maybe I can move on. Maybe I can really just be a best friend to Chanwoo without any other feelings getting in the way.

In the eye of the storm churning in my heart, was a hope for change. I was losing the strength to hide my feelings for much longer, and if this was the only outlet to let myself feel loved in a way I craved so badly inside, I would have to give it a shot.

I swallowed the lump that seemed to root itself in my throat and looked down at a cautious looking Seoyeon. I took a deep breath and took a step in a direction that I prayed wouldn't leave me hurting even more in the end.

"I'll do it."