18 rock-bottom

Hyun-ki

Everyday gets a little bit harder. However, it also gets so much better.

Every moment I get to spend with Chan seems to outweigh the stress and anxiety biting at me from the inside. Even though my head is spinning millions of miles an hour at a speed that feels sickening, the steady thumping of my love-struck heart is loud enough to distract me from it.

I'd started working again earlier in the week. At first, I felt weary about leaving Chanwoo home alone. Yes, he knew where everything was by heart, but that didn't mean that I didn't wish I could tend to his every need, wish, and desire constantly.

Even though he tried to brush me off and do things himself at first, he began to allow me to baby him a bit as the week progressed. It's been making me a bit smug; to see him giving in little by little and just letting me do as I please instead of putting up a fight.

At the same time, it's embarrassing because a big part of me is wondering if he's only letting me coddle him so much because he's aware of just how bad I miss him when I'm at work.

It's quite pathetic, isn't it?

I'd started making him breakfast before I went to work, as well. Some mornings gave me more time to make him a nutritious meal that would satisfy him, while others were rushed and left me grappling for random items and throwing them together without even a silly note stuck to the plate.

Still, I tried my best. He knew it, and he was always sure to make sure I was aware of just how grateful he was for my efforts.

I'd just gotten dressed minutes prior to hearing the creak of the bedroom door opening and footsteps sounding down the hall. I straightened the throw blanket strewn over the couch messily and propped the plush pillows back into their rightful positions.

Due to my back facing the hallway, I was unable to see anybody standing there in the shadows. From the noise I heard moments before, I figured Chan was simply going to the bathroom or coming to get a glass of water.

I grunted a bit as I straightened my stiff back and rubbed at my sore neck. Sleeping on the couch for the past week really made me feel about ten years older.

"What the-" I jumped, a large hand steadying me at my lower back as I stumbled over in surprise at the sudden contact.

Chanwoo looked down at me with his cat-like grin, perfectly straight teeth gleaming as he chuckled at my pathetic reaction.

"You scared me to death!" I yelled, punching his shoulder lightly and then closing my eyes as I placed a hand to my chest. My heart was racing, partly from the scare I just endured and also due to the fact that Chanwoo was in nothing but a pair of light gray joggers that hung low on his taut hips.

His bare chest gleamed in the dim lighting of the room, and his abdomen was lined beautifully with teasing etches of a six pack.

"Sorry," he mumbled unapologetically, "you gotta head to work soon?" His left hand moved from my lower back and slid up to the back of my neck, squeezing and rubbing at the tension there.

I couldn't help but let out a small moan, my sore muscles greatly appreciating the tender loving care after so many nights cramped up on the sofa. My eyes widened dramatically, my hand flying over my mouth to avoid any more embarrassing sounds from leaking out.

I cleared my throat when Chan giggled childishly from behind me, "Feel good?" I squeezed my eyes shut, humming quietly as his strong fingers now began to work wonders on my shoulders.

"Why are you up?" I managed, my voice more of a shivering whisper than anything else. I kept telling myself to calm down before I fainted. It wasn't like Chanwoo never touched me before, but like everything else lately, it felt different.

"I wanted to see you off this morning. I'm always asleep when you leave." His voice was gruff with slumber and rang deep with a timber so low and sultry that just about anyone would drop to their knees in seconds.

"You don't have to do that, Chan." I started, finally opening my eyes and turning my head just enough to lock eyes with him in the dim lighting of the room, "You need your rest."

His sharp almond eyes glinted as he blinked at me, his gaze lowering from his hands massaging my neck and shoulders before rising back to my own, "Don't worry about it, it's the least I can do. You're even making me sleep in your own bed. I feel like the worst person on the planet."

My face had yet to cool and my blood was rushing through my veins fast and hard. His touch was setting my skin aflame, and I wished more than anything that time would stop so that I could burn in it all day long.

I sighed and managed to muster up enough strength to pull away from his intoxicating touch, lowering his arms and putting them by his sides. I tried to ignore the spark of heat I felt in my gut when his fingers gently squeezed my own for just a second before he let go.

"You're not a bad person, you've been through something horrible and it's my job to make sure you're being taken care of properly." I shot him a pointed look and let the corner of my lips quirk up slightly when he rolled his eyes and returned a sassy expression of his own before nodding.

"Now," I backed away from the towering boy and grabbed my coat from where it laid across the kitchen table messily and slung it on quickly. I grabbed my satchel and adjusted it on my sore shoulder before making my way back to him, "I have to go or else I'll be late. You should go back to sleep, it's not even nine yet."

Chanwoo sighed and stared at me for a moment, raising a large hand and smoothing it through my hair gently before nodding in defeat.

"Fine," before I could react, I was being pulled into an embrace that filled my entire being with so many butterflies that I was sure I was about to fly away, "It's Friday today. Let's have a movie night tonight, okay?" My cheek was pressed to his bare chest, leaving me paralyzed and experiencing far too many emotions for one morning.

His addicting smell wrapped around me as he had yet to let me go, just holding me to him like I was his childhood teddy bear. In no way, shape, or form was I mad about it. My brows furrowed slightly when his nose and mouth buried into the top of my head and nuzzled slightly.

What?

Is he smelling me?

"Uh," my voice wavered slightly, quivering around the edges, "o-of course!" I managed to hold in my sigh of relief when he finally pulled away a bit, holding me at an arm's length away. As sad as I was to not be pressed against him, it was beginning to become overwhelming.

Calm down, Hyun-ki! He's just hugging you goodbye. Grow a spine and shake it off, just like before.

"Alright." He smiled gently, his complexion suddenly brighter than the sun beginning to beam through the living room windows behind him, "Have a good day at work," he bent down to speak quietly in my ear before continuing,

"Oh-" his breath tickled the shell of my ear, causing me to shiver, "don't forget to check the refrigerator before you go."

My eyebrows crinkled as I made a small noise of confusion, but before I could say anything else, he stood back to his full height and smooched a kiss directly on top of my head before turning back toward the hall and bounding into my bedroom casually.

"What the hell." I whispered, one hand touching one of my burning cheeks and the other patting my hair where Chanwoo kissed just seconds prior.

What the hell was that?

I shook my head and cleared my throat, suddenly very aware that I hadn't moved from the same spot in most likely over a minute and was probably going to be late.

I strode over to the fridge in a disoriented state, my mind too hazy from the event that just transpired between me and the man I'd secretly loved for years to fully comprehend anything. I opened the door and looked inside, not noticing anything out of the ordinary until a Tupperware container with a sticky note on top caught my attention from the fourth shelf.

I reached in and grabbed it, closing the door and setting the container on the counter. A little message was scrawled onto the note placed on the lid in endearingly messy handwriting.

'I know you don't eat breakfast before work- and we both know coffee doesn't count. I made you this while you were showering last night, so you better eat it up, or else I'll call your mom and she'll have to come force feed you herself.

Love,

Chan Chan'

My heart soared in my chest, a smile so wide that it made my cheeks ache splitting across my face. I couldn't hold back little airy chuckles as I re-read the note a few more times before glancing over at the clock on the oven.

"Crap," I mumbled to myself, quickly opening my bag and placing the container inside before making my way to the front door.

I slipped my shoes on and opened the door, stepping out into the cold hallway of the apartment complex.

I couldn't find it in myself to wipe away the giddy smile that stained my lips as I closed and locked the door behind me, my mind racing with thoughts of nothing but Chanwoo the entire way to work.

Four o'clock couldn't have come soon enough. Lunch had rolled around after what felt like an eternity, and I'd spent most of it texting Chanwoo thanking him profusely for the delicious meal he prepared for me. It was simple and perfect- Bibimbap neatly surrounded by kimchi.

I savored every last bite, practically licking the container clean. I sent him a photo of the empty Tupperware, proving to him that I ate and was, in fact, a good boy.

After lunch, time quickened a bit when I'd gotten a few new manuscripts to edit before it was time to leave.

The drive home luckily wasn't hindered by much traffic, and I thanked the gods when I finally made my way inside of the apartment. The warm air engulfed me immediately, the sweet smell of home, warmth, and Chanwoo all greeting me at once.

One of those smells I adored over the others, and I'm sure it's not hard to guess which one.

"I'm home!" I sang as I slipped off my shoes and shrugged off my coat, hanging it neatly on the hook beside the front door. I walked past the foyer into the family room to see none other than Chanwoo sprawled out on the couch surrounded by a mess of blankets and pillows.

"How was work?" He lifted his head first to look at me from his slouched position before sitting up properly and patting the couch next to him. He smiled warmly, welcoming me as I made my way over to the sofa and sat down next to him.

"It was a long day." I leaned back and let out a tired sigh as I let my eyes close for a brief moment, "How was yours?" I forced my eyes to open so that I could look at him in all of his cozy, soft glory.

"It was alright. I've been waiting for you to get home so we could start our sleepover!" He threw both fists into the air dramatically and wiggled on the couch from next to me.

I laughed at the childish excitement written all over him, shaking my head softly before pumping my own fists in the air and copying him. Once we'd both calmed down, he leaned forward slightly and grabbed his phone from where it laid on the coffee table.

"Pizza?" His eyes twinkled as he waited for my response, the chocolate color seeming to turn amber in the center near his pupils as his eyes calmly stared at my own.

"Sounds great." I patted the top of his unruly, freshly showered hair and stood up from the couch to make my way to the bathroom, "I'll be right back, I'm just going to wash up really quick."

He hummed, preoccupied with dialing a number for the pizza as I excused myself and went to the restroom with a fresh towel slung over my shoulder.

Before the door clicked shut, Chan's voiced boomed through the hall as he called out to me from the family room, "Don't forget to put on something cozy!"

I laughed, not believing just how cute and soft someone as hard edged and tough looking as Chanwoo could be.

"Yes, sir!" I teased before I closed the door and undressed myself for my shower.

After quickly washing my hair and scrubbing my body clean from the day's grime, I stepped out of the porcelain shower and fastened the plush white towel around my waist.

As soon as I opened the bathroom door, the heavenly smell of pizza wafted through the air around me, causing my mouth to water as I let myself imagine just how good it was going to taste.

I quickly made my way into my bedroom in search for the coziest pajamas I owned. I considered putting on my bunny onesie, but decided against it because Chanwoo wasn't wearing his teddy bear one.

Also, all he ever did was poke at my cheeks and coo at me constantly every time I put the damn thing on. Not that I minded the attention from him, but it definitely didn't make it any easier to hide just how flustered he could make me with only a few teasing words.

I decided on soft white cotton socks, gray sweatpants, and a cream sweater that never failed to warm me up on even the coldest nights. I quickly toweled my hair dry enough that it wasn't dripping wet, but it also wasn't anywhere near dry either.

I tousled my fingers through the wet strands and decided to let it air dry, not caring that I most likely looked like a wet rat. Catching my reflection in the mirror on the way out of the bedroom, I sighed as I realized just how much my roots were beginning to grow out and show through the dyed blonde of my hair.

My mind wandered back to last week when Chanwoo told me he liked my natural hair and how he prefers it over being dyed. Maybe it's time to say goodbye to the blonde and go back to being a full-time brunette.

I sighed as I left the room and pulled my soft sweater tighter against me, the evening springtime air chilling my apartment a bit more than what I usually preferred.

It wasn't until I came bounding into the family room, eager for pizza and some one-on-one time with my best friend that I realized our coordinating outfits. I blushed slightly as I took note of our similar choice of clothing- sweatpants and soft sweaters.

While I was in gray and cream, Chanwoo was in black joggers and a light blue sweater that made his already perfect complexion glow even more.

He pulled back the blanket he had draped over his lap in an invitation for me to join him on the sofa. I smiled lightly as I scooted in just enough that our knees bumped under the blanket and licked my lips as he opened the pizza box and began to place a piece on two paper plates for each of us.

I gratefully took mine when he handed it to me and dug in. The cheese melted deliciously on my tongue as I chewed, and I tried to ignore the way my ears pinked slightly as Chanwoo moaned around his mouthful of pizza. The sounds he was making were innocent- just a person enjoying some good food.

To me, however, they were fueling far too many erotic thoughts that were sure to send me to hell if I didn't clear my mind that instant.

I sighed out in relief when he grabbed the remote control and began to search for a movie to watch on Netflix, directing my mind to a different topic other than just how incredibly sexy the man sitting inches away from me was.

We settled on a cheesy horror flick that didn't seem scary in the slightest and ended up cracking up at the horrible acting less than five minutes into the movie.

Slowly, the pizza box emptied and our stomachs were filled with greasy food that made us feel about twenty pounds heavier.

We'd gone from sitting upright next to each other to Chanwoo sprawled out behind me while I laid in front of him facing the television.

It wasn't anything new- we often snuggled or ended up laying down in various positions like this whenever we watched movies. It was comfortable, and it was platonic.

At least, to him it was.

Usually, I was able to force my mind to block out how warm Chanwoo felt so close to me and how good it felt to hear his obnoxious laughter just inches away from my ear.

Tonight, my spine tingled as my sweater began to ride up slightly on my lower back and jumble up a bit, leaving a patch of exposed skin that was pressed onto Chan's sweater-clad abdomen.

Even through the soft fabric, I could feel each ripple of his abs with every one of his chuckles, and every breath he took pressed us just that much tighter.

It felt like I was, quite literally, sinking into him. It was as if we were morphing into one being on this very sofa in my family room.

I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to calm my racing heart, almost ready to jump up and excuse myself to the restroom just so I could get away for a minute and breathe.

Then, he slung an arm over my waist and pulled me impossibly closer to him. If there was any amount of space between our bodies before, it was now diminished.

My eyes snapped open and I held my breath, scared to move in case this was all just one amazing dream I was about to wake up from. He nuzzled his face into the back of my neck, yawning as he wiggled slightly to get more comfortable. His breathing evened out from behind me, and I swallowed.

What do I do? Is he asleep?

Do I get up? I can't just lay here like this all night.

I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes shut as I lifted my right leg slightly to move it off the couch and sit up. Before I could lift my head and make my escape, a gruff voice sounded from behind me and churned my stomach in the best way possible.

"Where are you going?" Chan's voice was rough and jagged around the edges, sleep creating heaven on his tongue as his tone carved into my bones and made me shiver.

"You're tired," I tried my best to make an excuse- anything to get away and relieve myself of this sadistic pleasure I was caught in, "You should go to bed."

"Hyunie," he whined, pulling me in tight from where his arm constricted around my waist, leaving me breathless and far too close to crying out of frustration,

"Stay here." his thumb rubbed little circles into the skin of my stomach through my soft sweater, melting me into a puddle of mush, "Sleep with me..?"

I sighed, bringing a hand to my forehead and rubbing. I already knew there was no chance for me. How the hell could I refuse that? I swallowed, almost cackling maniacally at just how pathetic I felt in this moment- like a little girl who finally got to cuddle her crush.

There was no way I could go back now. What's one night going to do? It won't change anything. Besides, Chanwoo's the one who asked me to stay. If it's what he wants, I'll do it.

I knew it was just an excuse my mind was using to keep me trapped in this heavenly hell. Yet, my heart did nothing to stop it.

I can push my feelings away for one more night, right? Even if it feels more like drowning than simply ignoring at this point.

The way his voice seemed so frail and almost vulnerable made my chest tighten with too many emotions than I could handle at one time. I couldn't refuse him- I didn't want to refuse him.

"O-Okay." I hummed, bringing my leg back under the blanket and readjusting them over us so that we were completely covered by the thick mass of warmth and comfort. My voice was quiet and nothing more than a whisper. If it weren't for the tiny sigh I heard from behind me, I would've assumed he'd already fallen back to sleep.

Lee Chanwoo, you're going to kill me.

The weight of his strong arm around my middle felt like a lifeline as I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in the smell of his cologne that began to cling to my own skin. The steady rise and fall of his strong chest pulled me into a drowsy sleep like a tidal wave of euphoria as I finally began to let go and just enjoy this moment I'd been given.

My erratic heartbeat began to slow and the blazing of my cheeks began to burn out, calming as I let myself slip. It felt like saying, 'To hell with it!' and diving head first off of a cliff. It was like taking a sip of alcohol after years of being sober.

One night. That's it.

Live in this moment; in how he feels against me and how his warm breath heats up the back of my neck as he drifts back into a world full of dreams.

If I'm going to drown in him for one night, I may as well sink to the bottom.