19 maybe

Chanwoo

Early morning sunlight beamed through the living room curtains and over my face, causing my eyes to scrunch and shy away from the blaring abuse. I nuzzled my head into something warm and soft.

My brows furrowed slightly as I continued to rub my face against the object in front of me. The smell was of laundry detergent and something slightly sweet, but most importantly- unmistakably Yoo Hyun-ki.

My eyes snapped open as I took in my surroundings. Curled up in front of me was a sight that made my breath catch in my throat. Hyun laid pressed up against me, face nuzzled into my chest.

Warm puffs of air escaped his lips as he slept peacefully. His hands were curled up between our stomachs and his legs intertwined with my longer ones.

Both of our bodies were tangled in a mass of blankets strewn over the couch. As I looked down at Ki's sleeping face, I tried to convince myself that the heat from all of the covers we were enveloped in was the reason for this strange heat that began to climb up the back of my neck.

His hair was a messy halo around his head as he laid on my bicep, the strands looking unimaginably soft where they stuck up in random directions.

His naturally groomed brows were lightly furrowed as he stirred for a moment in his slumber, eyes scrunching for a moment before he went still once again and dozed back off.

My eyes traveled to where his long lashes casted little shadows on his cheekbones, slightly rosy from sleep. His eyes were always ones that you couldn't forget. There are faces you just remember, not knowing why.

For me, Hyun-ki had always been the quiet boy in the back of the classroom. Prim and proper, his uniform was consistently in perfect shape, his small body pressed and professional as his black framed glasses and perfectly groomed hair.

Despite me simply noticing him, it wasn't until we'd first interacted the day he helped me all those years back that I somehow immediately knew why his face was so unforgettable to me.

It was like an unspoken bond. Nothing ever needed to be said, but the way his chocolate eyes slightly sparkled in the early evening sun when I'd seen them up close for the first time showed me many things that I hadn't ever before.

His eyes were like orbs of light that seemed to hold all knowledge and wisdom. They reflected in light, shying away from my own but causing me to slip into a small, curious trance when he finally looked me in the eye.

They were round, doe-like and innocent. It was as if they hadn't once seen any darkness. However, I knew that wasn't true later on. His face just contained this quality that made you want to stare at it all day long. Something about him made me curious. Why was this boy with his big, pretty, and wise eyes so sheltered?

Back then, I'd assumed it's because he just had slightly more unique features than I was used to seeing- a straight little nose, pouted lips, and doll eyes that looked like they should belong to a girl instead of a young boy.

As I observed his soft face in all of its glory now, it started to make sense.

I still don't know what it is about him that makes me crave more, but lately, it's becoming harder to resist.

It feels like I'm about to cross a line that neither of us necessarily drew ourselves but that seemingly drew itself all those years ago.

My pulse began to pick up as I let my eyes guiltily travel down to Hyun's mouth. His lips were pouted and rosy, suddenly looking incredibly inviting where they opened slightly to release tiny puffs of air as he slept peacefully.

My body was craving something that my mind was trying to deny. It was getting more and more intense by the day, and all the more confusing.

It was like this constant need to be closer to him was planted in me. When he was at work, I waited as the hours dragged on one by one. I tried to busy myself by cleaning, watching a movie, and just lounging around. I wasn't allowed to start driving yet, and my parents had left my new car at their house.

I was like a little puppy, tail wagging and waiting for it's owner. When he got home, it was like every minute spent by his side was no longer enough.

Somewhere in the back of my mind was a past shadow of myself. It was laughing at me, pathetically wondering how I'd managed to live my life before the accident.

Back then, we saw each other often, but we still had our own lives. We both worked during the week and didn't see each other in person until Friday nights and over the weekends.

Now, I see him every day and can't even fathom the thought of being back in my own apartment, lonely and devoid of a clumsy Hyun-ki wandering around humming, mumbling to himself, and just simply being there.

I was half asleep when I asked him to stay last night; to sleep with me on this couch that was far too small for us to both comfortably lay on. Yet, even my slumber-fogged mind thought that maybe the close contact with him would satiate the ache I'd been feeling so suddenly that kept growing inside me.

Instead of satisfying me, the fact that he stayed made the need grow in size and severity. A warmth spread to my cheeks at the thought that he stayed because I'd asked him to. It lit a spark of hope that was hiding away deep inside me that maybe he actually did feel things for me beyond a close friendship.

Why? Did I want Hyun to feel something for me? I didn't have any answers to the questions that were constantly biting at me. I was crumbling under the weight of denial sitting heavily on my shoulders.

It's not like we hadn't cuddled before, but back then, it didn't really mean anything. It was a nature I felt to take care of the intricately delicate, caring, and soft boy that I was lucky enough to call my best friend and make sure he always felt safe.

Now, I was almost afraid to get too close to him. I felt like the bad guy, like the villain with hidden intentions.

I felt guilty for committing a crime that I hadn't even done.

However, my heart was trying to tell me something that clearly had more power over my fragile, sleepy state than my weak conscience. My hand seemed to move on it's own, my pointer finger slowly extending and hovering over the line of his bottom lip.

My breath caught in my throat as the pad of my finger grazed against his lip. The skin there was soft and supple, pliant as I let my finger gently run across it back and forth a few times before I forced myself to stop.

Why is this happening?

I'd seen this face time and time again, but studying it up close like this allowed me to see deeper than I had before. I was opening up a new door that I never thought I would be turning the handle of.

Maybe it was unlocked all along, just waiting for me to give it a push and look inside.

My fingers were no longer obeying my brain, charged with an energy that I couldn't contain. My fingers gently cupped the side of Ki's face, my hand shaking slightly when his soft cheek nestled perfectly in my palm.

That was another thing that just seemed to make sense- we fit just right. When I pulled him close, he was just small enough to fit right up next to me. I towered over him by quite a few inches, making him appear even smaller even though he was average height.

It just seemed right.

My thumb stroked the top of his cheekbone at first before cautiously moving toward his nose, and then settling under his chin for a moment before moving back up and resting on his smooth cheek. The skin seemed to melt to my hand just right- hairless and giving and emitting an addicting warmth so strongly that for a moment, I was sure I'd never be able to move again.

It then occurred to me just how close our faces were. In that moment, everything seemed to stop. The low buzz of the television seemed to dissipate in thin air, leaving the room silent save for my heart pounding wildly in my ears.

What are you doing, Chanwoo?

My movements were slow and careful, as if he were a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow. I swallowed, my head slowly inching closer to his as my mind began to fuzz over.

It felt like I could no longer control my own body, my limbs giving in and doing what they were itching for even though my brain begged them not to.

My eyes searched his face for any signs of movement, checking to see if he was still asleep.

Chanwoo, what are you doing?

This is a stupid idea.

You're not thinking straight.

My eyes began to flutter shut as our noses just barely brushed. Hyun's soft breath tickled my lips as we laid just an inch apart. His smell was intoxicating, making me drunk as the lingering smell of his body wash and shampoo began to cling to me.

Chanwoo, stop. You don't know what you're doing.

I took in a deep breath, careful not to jostle the sleeping boy on my arm as he laid on my bicep just centimeters away from my face.

Don't give in.

My mind kept yelling at me-screaming to stop and realize that whatever was going on didn't mean anything and that I needed to turn around and walk away before I did something I would regret.

Don't give into what, though? What was this force that I'd been feeling since I woke up in that hospital bed just weeks ago? Why was that strange tickle of butterflies and angst spreading further and further everyday?

It wasn't the same butterflies that I'd gotten from seeing a girl I liked in school, or being around someone I found especially attractive. It was a pulsating flame that was raving within me, stronger than anything else I'd ever bad to deal with.

The scariest part isn't that these feelings are involving another man. That alone is a challenge in itself to process. The horror is rooting from the fact that these feelings and cravings are aimed toward my best friend- this man that I've known for years and have shared my life with for so long.

How could it be? Every time I tell myself it can't be anything more than just my fragile mind trying to cope with the trauma from the accident, one look at Ki jolts something inside me just that much more.

It started in the pit of my stomach, only a far away ache that I could ignore. It then spread through me like a wild fire more and more, ceaseless and unforgivingly scalding as it worked it's way into every part of my being.

I needed to know if this feeling was a longing for Hyun that I never felt before, or if it was just a deep fear rooted from the fact that I was merely ripped from someone whom I hold so close to my heart.

I felt like I was lying to myself, but I didn't know why. I couldn't let myself hold back and simply do nothing about these foreign feelings anymore.

I felt like I was going absolutely insane, wanting to jump out of my own skin and run somewhere- anywhere else but this cage I was trapped in with these festering voices inside me. The cawed and wildly swooped at me like angry crows, vicious and unforgiving until I did something to stop them.

"Just do it." I whispered to myself quietly, lips inching so close to Ki's that there was less than a millimeter of space between us.

This was it.

If I felt nothing, I would know. He was asleep- he wouldn't feel it. Just a quick brush of skin to see if these feelings meant what my cocky older brother claimed was true since day one; that there was something much deeper between Hyun-ki and I that I was simply too stupid to see before.

It was incredibly selfish, and I wasn't proud of it. Yet, I needed the confirmation before I lost my mind completely.

I sucked in one last breath, holding it as I leaned forward the last inch and prepared to feel our mouths connect.

Just then, the tension that had been screaming at me louder than anything else in the universe jolted to a stop. The daze I'd been so lost in shattered, clattering to the floor in pieces all around me as the doorbell rang.

"Shit!" I jumped up, my limbs flailing as shock and surprise nearly gave me a heart attack. My wild movements sent a previously sleeping Hyun-ki to the ground, falling to the floor with a thud.

A small groan could be heard from the floor next to the couch as his fading blonde-haired head peered up slowly.

"-the hell is going on?" Hyun's morning voice was thick with sleep, his eyes puffy as he looked around confused.

"T-the doorbell scared me." I managed to stutter, "I'm so sorry, Hyunie! I didn't mean for you to fall. It's just you were laying on me and I didn't expect the doorbell to ring and-" I quickly helped him up from the floor, dusting off his sweater and checking him for bruises much like a worried mother.

"I'm fine, Chan. It's alright." Hyunie chuckled at my panicked state, looking up at me with those big brown eyes that affected me more and more every time I saw them.

He sleepily wobbled to the door with a hand on his surely sore bum. I flushed as my eyes tracked the subtle sway of his hips and the way his pert backside filled out the gray sweatpants he was adorned in just right.

I coughed awkwardly and scratched the back of my neck, averting my vision to the wall when Hyunie opened the door and bent down to grab something that was just on the other side of it.

"It's a package..." he mumbled more to himself than anyone else, "must be the new phone case I ordered a couple days ago." He added after closing the door and making his way to the kitchen table to set down the small box. He rounded the counter and opened the refrigerator, peeking his head inside before shouting to me, "You hungry?"

"Uh," my mind was a jumbled mess. Nothing made sense and my limbs were suddenly numb. I needed to get away from Hyun-ki as fast as possible. He was everywhere- his smell, his things, his voice. It all surrounded me and suddenly it felt like I was drowning, "A little. I'm going to go wash up. I'll be out in a bit."

I didn't wait for his response before I made a bee-line for the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. My black hair was disheveled and my eyes were still puffy from sleep. My sweater was wrinkled and suddenly smelled far too strongly like the boy I spent the night holding like my life depended on it.

I didn't think twice before stripping from head to toe and throwing my clothes into the hamper behind me. I quickly turned the shower on and stepped in. The water was cold and unforgiving, but I welcomed it as it chilled my scalding skin.

It woke me up and began to clear the fog that had been thickly swirling inside my head just seconds prior.

What was I thinking?

What if I'd really done it? What if I actually kissed Hyun-ki?

If that damn doorbell hadn't scared me so badly, I would've done something I couldn't even fathom to imagine.

I shook my head and let the ice cold water cascade over my head and down my back as I felt shame crash into me harder than a tidal wave.

It felt like part of me was being ripped apart. I wanted things to be as they were before the accident- before I slipped into a coma and woke up two months later with strange, foreign feelings toward my best friend that I couldn't explain.

I scrubbed my hair and body clean of his smell and watched with a slight pang in my chest as the suds drifted down the drain and left me in the shower feeling alone, cold, and empty.

It must have been a sign. Clearly, I wasn't thinking about my actions and was acting on pure curiosity. It was reckless, clumsy and too close to becoming a big mistake.

I could have ruined things between us. Even if I'd felt nothing, I know now that it still wouldn't have been the same. I already feel disgusted with myself- with the fact that I almost took advantage of him while he was in such a vulnerable state.

I almost crossed a line, but now I know that what almost happened wasn't meant to be in that moment. These feelings could be my mind seeking comfort. The doctors said that I'd be in a more fragile state of mind, and that physical and mental support from my loved ones is vital to my recovery.

Even if it felt like a lie I was forcing down my throat, I swallowed it down. As I got out of the shower and tied a plush white towel around my waist, I took a deep breath and mumbled little nothings to myself.

Full of faked confidence, I put on a smile and exited the bathroom.

"Breakfast is almost ready!" Ki's voice sang from the kitchen and drifted down the hall, shouting over the sizzling of food he was cooking.

My mouth watered at the smell of bacon being fried on the stove, warm and positively delicious.

"I'll be there in a minute!" I called back, making my way to Hyun's bedroom where my clothes hung in his closet.

I was trying desperately to make it feel normal; like this morning's events never transpired. After I slipped on some lounging clothes and made my way to the kitchen, all the hope I'd managed to muster just seconds prior faded.

Hyunie waltzed around the kitchen in his little apron, bangs tied back with a hair tie and glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose.

Damn you, Yoo Hyun-ki.

I gathered plates, glasses, and silverware for us to eat with as he began to plate our food. Things began to feel normal, but were still layered with a tension that only I could feel.

Ignore it, Chanwoo.

I was losing it, and I wasn't sure how to pull myself out of this hole I seemed to dig myself into. I was losing control, and I didn't quite know how to get it back.

I couldn't tell him. That would bring nothing but rejection and most likely a mess that I wasn't so sure I could clean.

As we ate, things were as they always had been. For a second, I was able to forget about everything else. It was just Hyun-ki and I.

Jokes were cracked and stupid stories were looked back on, leaving us gasping for air and holding our full stomachs.

It felt familiar and comforting, my mind finally not scrutinizing my every thought and action. Yet, no perfect moment lasts forever.

We had to move on and start the day, giving me time to get lost in my head again.

I can only take so much. I feel my sanity slipping out of my grip like sand pouring out from between my fingers.

It's a constant reminder that something's clearly changing, even if I don't know exactly what it is and why it's happening.

I can only ignore so much, but a small part of me is consistently nagging. It's telling me that no matter how much I try to deny it, I'm falling.

For what? I don't know.

For who? I didn't want to admit it.

As I washed the dishes in the sink, Hyun-ki began to clean up the couch that had blankets strewn all over it from last night.

He giggled at a show playing on the TV every few moments, leaving me a mess of fond looks and head shakes as I was reminded of just how innocent and childlike this boy still was.

No matter how scared I was by what was happening to me, a tiny voice in the back of my head laughed as it realized that as long as it involved this small, adorable boy who knew me better than anyone, I didn't really mind why or how I was falling.

It was like jumping off the edge and straight into the unknown. As I watched the boy I'd known for so many years trip over the edge of the rug in such an endearing way that I couldn't help but cackle aloud at his actions, I had an epiphany.

Nothing made sense right now, but I was quickly realizing that maybe it didn't matter. I have to live in the now. Living in fear of 'what if' will kill me in the end.

Things are different now. Even if I'm the only one that can feel it, at least I have him in my life.

Even if I'm going crazy, as long as I have Hyun-ki, I don't really care.

I won't be shoved into this new world of feelings, but I won't refrain from them. I won't look from the sidelines in fear, but I won't force it either.

I'll let it happen. I'm going to let this current carry me where it wants and pray that I don't get caught in a whirlpool.

I'm going to let myself be pulled through this new door that opened up to me, and if Hyun is waiting for me on the other side, then maybe things will start to make more sense.

It's scary as hell, but it's something new. It's like being dangled in front of a blazing fire with nothing to hold onto but a piece of thread. If I'm not careful enough, I'll slip and burn. If I do nothing at all, I'll slowly roast as the flames lap at my skin until they engulf me completely.

Either way, there's a possibility of getting burned.

Yet, even after everything that I've been through these last couple of months, one thing has stayed the same.

I've never been one to sit back and watch myself be torn apart by anything or anyone, especially not by fear.

They say fighting fire with fire is never a good idea, but if it's taunting me in all it's blazing glory, I'm going to play.

They also say that change is good sometimes. Maybe that's what I need right now. After so much chaos, the storm seems to calm when he's around.

He's my home, my comfort, and my outlet all in one. He's my own little garden of Eden, even if I didn't let myself see it before.

Maybe it's time I start seeing things for what they are instead of what they're supposed to be.

Maybe Seokjin really was right, and I'm just extremely bad at seeing what's right in front of me.

Best friends, family, or something in between?

Maybe it's none of the above.

Maybe it's always been more than that, and maybe it's time that I start to be okay with it.