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Magical ties

Fantasy
Completed · 243.8K Views
  • 300 Chs
    Content
  • 4.5
    19 ratings
  • NO.200+
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Synopsis

She is descendent of both a Wiccan and a shaman. Unaware of her powers she attracts both good and evil . He is a descendant of strong powerful shaman who can communicate with the spirits. Can he guide and teach her before she gets herself in trouble.

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JHeart · Fantasy
4.7
727 Chs

Young master Damien's pet

"Who touched you?" he asked, his eyes brooding down at her and when she didn't answer, his voice thundered in the room, "WHO?" The butler who stood near the wall spoke shakily, "Sir, it was Mr. Reverale," Damien's face turned sour, his jaw ticking in anger he turned his face to the side where the butler stood behind. "Bring the man here." "N-now?" stuttered the butler. It was the time of night. Damien who hadn't broken his eye contact with the girl in front of him, pushed his hand against the wall which now rested beside his beautiful girl's head. Turning his body, he first looked at his butler who had his head bowed. With great courage, the butler came to meet his Master's eyes, "Do you have any other better time? Or should it be after I wring your neck?" Damien asked calmly tilting his head. Not a second later, the butler ran out of the room to return back with Mr. Reverale after twenty minutes. "Damien, are we having a late tea party?" Mr. Reverale came to greet but the master of the house had other plans. Spotting the knife that was stuck to the apple on the table, he reached for it to pull it out. Just as Mr. Reverale went to exchange a handshake with him, Damien took hold of his hand to place it on the table. In one swift movement as if he were chopping onions, he chopped the four fingers of the man off his hand making him yelp and cry in pain. "No one touches what is mine. I am sure this will remind you the next time you even think about touching her," sighed Damien as if he were tired of telling people to keep their dirty hands off his belongings. Meet Damien Quinn, a pureblooded vampire who is a complete narcissist, brash with his words and stingy even though he is rich who haggled when he bought a slave from the black market. On the other hand, meet Penelope who believes she is a 'guest' for a few days at the Quinn as she is intent on escaping from the odd vampire who needs therapy. ~ Discord: https://discord.gg/K63uVqN

ash_knight17 · Fantasy
4.8
761 Chs
Table of Contents
Volume 1

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Sigheti
SighetiLv4

After noticing your post on the forum explaining that you were looking for some commentary that could help you improve, I did my best to deliver on your entreaty. I do realise, however, that this review may appear rather negative. I focused mainly on what — in my best opinion — has the most need or potential for improvement. Do note that I am not a professional writer myself and cannot claim to be a better storyteller: I simply hope to give you an idea how it is like reading your story. So to start off: There is a considerable absence of rhythm in your writing from the very start. Due to this, your story fails to be immersive: it fails to grasp your reader's attention. The characters feel sympathetic but I fail to imagine them. They don't feel like genuine people. You have given me a description of the physical appearance of your characters, but personally, I have difficulty imagining them. I would like to know more about the way they stand, their posture, their bearing. I need to see more personality in the characters in order for them to be appealing, in order for us, readers, to empathise with them. As your reader, I wish for even more texture, intensity and sensation. Show me peculiar character details. Do they pick their nails? Play with their jewellery? Any particular violence, abruptness or charm in the way they move? A particular way they move their eyebrows? Do they make exaggerated hand motions when they talk? Nonchalant scratching? Do they look away at some points during discussions? Do their smiles reach their eyes when they talk? As your reader, these things tell me a lot more about the characters than the colour of their eyes or the length of their hair. The dialogue doesn’t sound quite genuine. It’s entertaining, but most conversations sound forced and almost obligatory. Generally, dialogue should follow basic capitalisation rules as well. The overall grammar and sentence constriction is poor but not as poor as most works on webnovel. Your tenses are very inconsistent. You also quite often write sentences without a subject. If I may give an example: Laying by a gentle flowing creek. With the fresh smell of rich soil and water. A soft breeze drifting by with the faint smell of lavender. Listening to the birds singing over head. Aisling slowly opens her eyes with a smile at the peacefulness of the forest. This small elvish girl looks around in awe of the beauty around her. The lush green of the grass and trees. The crystal clear water of the creek . First, notice that almost all sentences are about the same in length. This will become tiresome and boring to the reader as it lacks rhythm. These opening sentences, I assume, are here to set the mood, but they sound very off. Try painting the scene with sentences that at least include a subject. For example: She was lying by a gently flowing creek. Surrounding her was the rich smell of soil and water, and the soft breeze drifted by bringing with it the faintest whiff of lavender. Overall, I can only advise you to keep writing in order to practice. I applaud your enthusiasm, wish you all the best and hope I at least helped you a little bit.

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