After noticing your post on the forum explaining that you were looking for some commentary that could help you improve, I did my best to deliver on your entreaty. I do realise, however, that this review may appear rather negative. I focused mainly on what — in my best opinion — has the most need or potential for improvement. Do note that I am not a professional writer myself and cannot claim to be a better storyteller: I simply hope to give you an idea how it is like reading your story.
So to start off:
There is a considerable absence of rhythm in your writing from the very start. Due to this, your story fails to be immersive: it fails to grasp your reader's attention.
The characters feel sympathetic but I fail to imagine them. They don't feel like genuine people. You have given me a description of the physical appearance of your characters, but personally, I have difficulty imagining them. I would like to know more about the way they stand, their posture, their bearing. I need to see more personality in the characters in order for them to be appealing, in order for us, readers, to empathise with them.
As your reader, I wish for even more texture, intensity and sensation. Show me peculiar character details. Do they pick their nails? Play with their jewellery? Any particular violence, abruptness or charm in the way they move? A particular way they move their eyebrows? Do they make exaggerated hand motions when they talk? Nonchalant scratching? Do they look away at some points during discussions? Do their smiles reach their eyes when they talk?
As your reader, these things tell me a lot more about the characters than the colour of their eyes or the length of their hair.
The dialogue doesn’t sound quite genuine. It’s entertaining, but most conversations sound forced and almost obligatory. Generally, dialogue should follow basic capitalisation rules as well.
The overall grammar and sentence constriction is poor but not as poor as most works on webnovel. Your tenses are very inconsistent. You also quite often write sentences without a subject.
If I may give an example:
Laying by a gentle flowing creek. With the fresh smell of rich soil and water. A soft breeze drifting by with the faint smell of lavender. Listening to the birds singing over head. Aisling slowly opens her eyes with a smile at the peacefulness of the forest. This small elvish girl looks around in awe of the beauty around her. The lush green of the grass and trees. The crystal clear water of the creek .
First, notice that almost all sentences are about the same in length. This will become tiresome and boring to the reader as it lacks rhythm.
These opening sentences, I assume, are here to set the mood, but they sound very off. Try painting the scene with sentences that at least include a subject. For example:
She was lying by a gently flowing creek. Surrounding her was the rich smell of soil and water, and the soft breeze drifted by bringing with it the faintest whiff of lavender.
Overall, I can only advise you to keep writing in order to practice. I applaud your enthusiasm, wish you all the best and hope I at least helped you a little bit.
