18 Denial

Lance.  

"Lance, stop." 

His pace is too fast for my short legs. I can't keep up with this. I feel his grip on my left arm and this puts me to a stop. We are outside the school building, his hair is messy, almost like he just got out of the shower, he is dressed in his uniform but his tie hangs loosely around his neck. His ears are red, his eyes are blank. I miss seeing his smile, I miss it so much. 

"Let me go," I plead desperately in hopes that I could just disappear at this moment. 

He doesn't listen. His grip just feels tighter "What is going on babe?" he cries. 

Babe? 

He has never called me babe. Why is he calling me babe? Things like this just makes this harder. The fact that he is brave enough to call me Babe through all his fears, is overwhelming. 

"Nothing," I lie as usual. 

Lying has become so easy for me. i am lying to my mother. Lying to my best friends. Lying to myself. 

"I've been calling you for almost two weeks. You've been ignoring my calls and messages. Did I do something wrong?" 

I shake my head "No," I don't want him feeling like this is his fault. I don't want him thinking he did something wrong "You're perfect. This is not about you." 

He sighs, his hands loosen around my sleeves and I watch him run his hands through his hair "Then what is wrong? You said you needed space, space from what?" he takes a deep breath "From me?" 

"No." 

He reaches for me and I don't push him back, this is me showing weakness. I am weak when it comes to him and I missed his touch so much. This is not the best place to do this and we get a reminder as someone walks out of the building. It is a boy—a student in my class, I don't remember his name but he looks at us and I watch Ford retract his hand, with so much shame that I remember why i have to let him go. He is not ashamed of me; he is ashamed of himself. 

If I tell him about everything, I know what he will say. He will let go of me. He will choose to be a good son to his father. The man that makes him hide his true self. He will never choose me. 

That is why this will not work. 

"Can we go somewhere else. To talk." 

"Why?" I ask. 

"Come on Lance, I am worried about us." he tells me. 

I laugh, I can't help it. I am upset by what just happened. The fact that he cant even touch me in public hurts. "I don't need to go anywhere else. This thing between us is over and you will find out why eventually. We were never going to work in the first place." 

I am being cold. 

I think this is actually the best way to go. He is not even ready to be with me, he will never fight for us. No matter what I do or say, so I might as well just let this go. 

"Stop pushing me away." 

"I am not pushing you away. I am setting you free." 

"I don't want to be free." 

I scoff "You can't even touch me in public. How do you think that makes me feel?" 

"I told you I will come out. i just need some time. My dad is not the easiest person to talk to." 

Its laughable that he is bringing his father up "No one even knows you here. This is not your school; how would your father even find out?" he is being ridiculous. At this point it is not even about his father. It is about him. He doesn't want to come out. He likes being the perfect guy that everyone thinks he is. 

"You don't understand." 

"It's fine. I don't need to. You figure out you and what you want but without me." 

"I want to figure this out with you." 

"We can't" I remember the elephant in the room. I remember the things I wish I can forget. 

"Why?" this time he grabs my hand in his and I don't fight it. I let him hold me and then he pulls me closer to him and I let him. "Please Lance, don't push me away. I need you." his voice croaks and my heart breaks at his words. This is not the first time he is saying he needs me, is this how it feels to actually be needed by someone. 

"We wont work," I cry in his arms. He doesn't let go of me, he doesn't pull me away from him. 

"We have to try. We won't know unless we try." his words are making this more difficult. He won't think so when I tell him the truth "I need to tell you something," I pull away from him and he watches me curiously. 

I take a deep breath, time to gather up all my nerves and brace up for this "Wait, come with me tonight. Let's have that date we talked about. Just the two of us and if you feel like you don't want this anymore, then we can call this off. Just give me a chance." 

He is prolonging the inevitable. 

"We don't have to have sex." 

He is prolonging what I know will eventually happen. 

"Please." he brushes my hair away from my face and I let our a sigh of defeat. He has won this round. I will say my final goodbye to him tonight. 

What could go wrong? 

                      ************* 

"You're going on a date with him?" Jack tosses the basketball and it enters the net immediately. 

"Yes." 

He grabs the ball as it bounces close to him "Are you insane?" he bounces the ball and I watch as it goes up and down. Up and down. My eyes are fixated on the ball, it reminds me so much of Ford. He is a baller. This is his game; would we ever get to shoot hoops together? 

"No." 

Jack throws the ball at me and I manage to catch it, almost falling to my face. Sports are not my thing. I am the definition of a Nerd, except i am not smart. I don't have anything special about me. I am barely passing in school, the only thing I am good at is playing video games. Is that even a skill? 

"You seem to forget the massive elephant in the room," he reminds me yet once again. Somehow Jack feels like it is his job to keep on letting me know about the things I need to do. He doesn't understand that this has been on my mind since i found out. I don't need his reminder--I have not forgotten. 

"I haven't forgotten." 

He scoffs and I try to shoot the ball into the net but fail miserably. The ball bounces back and lands in front of my best friend "Tell him, stop beating around the bush, you will regret it if he finds out on his own." 

Jack fucking thinks I don't know that. He thinks I like lying and keeping this a secret. it is slowly eating me up "I know, I know all this, you don't have to fucking remind me every fucking second. I want to tell him, I will tell him, I just need some time." 

"You don't have time. Your mother is getting married to his father." 

"Stop fucking telling me what I already know. You think I like hiding this. You think I like that I found out about this and I have to be the one to tell him. I just need a fucking moment to breathe." I walk away from him angrily and he doesn't follow me. 

He knows I am pissed. 

He will let me calm down first. 

I run up the stairs till I get to the roof of our apartment building. The blue sky is without a dark cloud. Its supposed to mean that the night will be good. I wish I could be as free as the birds in the sky, i wish I didn't have those clouds looming over my head. 

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was out here," I turn around and a boy my age—at least he looks my age, smiles warmly at me. His eyes are a dark grey and there is a scar just above his eye brow. It is the first thing I notice when I look at him and I hate myself for being so obvious. His hair is a neat buzz cut. He is dressed in all black, jeans and a metal head shirt with red engravings. i have never seen him in the building before, so he must have just moved. 

"It's fine," I wave my hands in the air in a 'we can share the space' way. 

He walks in and I watch him stop at the edge of the railing a couple of feet away from me. He puts his hand in his pocket and brings out a tiny transparent bag from it. "You want to share a smoke?" 

He is talking about weed. I have only ever tried it once before. At a party. I shouldn't be smoking, knowing i have that date with Ford later and I should be in my right mind when I tell him the truth but in this moment with this handsome stranger watching me, I do what I usually do. 

"Sure."