17 Miserable Lance.

Lance. 

I leave Jack in the evening and he is the best company because even though he wanted me to come clean about everything, he didn't say too much about it we played video games and had Macdonald's for breakfast, the day was perfect and for a second, I forgot about his message and everything else. I linger at the front door for a second because I know mom will be home. She wouldn't leave until we had settled our fight. 

That is the relationship we have. 

I am not ready to face her because I don't have an answer to all the questions she will have for me when she sees me but I also know I have no choice but to do this. Opening the door, I take a deep breath with so much hesitation. I notice things that I have never before, like the brown stains on the door, how rusty our door handle is. I don't want to go in but I have no choice. I want to reply to Ford. I already miss him, I want to see him again but I also know I have to tell him the truth. I finally take the slow steps into the apartment and I see her on the couch staring into space. She doesn't look pissed, she is dressed in the same clothes she had on yesterday fro the dinner. 

I want the ground to swallow me at this moment, I want to disappear forever. Her eyes sway to my direction "You're back," she mutters calmly. 

She is too calm for me. 

I wish she would just yell at me, tell me how upset she is, ground me or something. I don't like calm mother, I want upset mother right now. "Yes," I move closer to her until I am in front of the couch, playing around with a loose thread on the couch I continue "I'm sorry about yesterday." 

She nods "Do you want to talk about it?" 

It is pretty obvious that she would want to know why I reacted so childish yesterday but telling her would ruin everything for me. I don't want to tell her yet, I need to tell Ford first and I don't even want to tell him. I am not ready for all this honesty that everyone is expecting from me. 

"I'm sorry." 

That is my way of letting her know that I can't talk about it yet, I am not ready to talk about it. She stands up from the couch and stops in front of me "Is it cause of John, do you not like him?" she seems genuinely worried. 

She wants me to like him almost as much as she likes him.. I don't have a problem with John, I have a problem with who John is. I was happy for her before I found out. Now I want them to break up so bad, I am being selfish I know. This is her happiness and I am here wishing it ends in sadness. 

"It's not about that." 

"What is it about? You seemed excited to go for the dinner, okay maybe not excited but you were okay with it, what changed?" 

I sigh "Mom, I am figuring a lot of stuff out and I don't think all this change is good for me." 

With furrowed brows, she asks "Are you bothered that I am getting married? I am not asking you to replace your father, I will never ask you to replace your father but I wish you would give John a chance. He makes me happy." 

There we go. 

Those words that make all this even more difficult. 

He makes her happy. 

Someone finally makes my mother happy and I am selfishly thinking about ruining that happiness by being with Ford. There is no way in hell we can work out, we will never work out unless his father stops making my mother happy and I don't even want that to happen. 

"This is not about John, I like John." 

She smiles "Were you nervous to meet his son? He didn't even show up." 

"It's not about that." 

"Then what is it. Please talk to me," she rests her forehead on my shoulder and this is her way of pleading with me. She is letting her guard down, begging me to open up to her. I can't do that because I am scared. I am scared to lose him. 

"Mom, I am okay, I overreacted yesterday. It won't happen again, I promise." 

She sighs as I wrap my arms around her, she holds unto me tightly and I know what I have to do, at this moment I have to end things with Ford and I have to tell him the truth. This is the only thing I can do. I have to ve selfless and think about her and her alone. She is the most important person in my life. 

She is happy. 

                     *********************** 

Mom goes to work and I go to my room thinking about everything and how I will have to do this. I haven't replied any of his messages because I feel too ashamed, I am keeping this from him and the next thing I will have to do is break things off with him. 

How do I even go about it? 

My phone rings and I see his name in the caller ID. Dodging him for too long is not possible, he will know something is wrong. He will find out and hate me. I can't talk to him right now because I don't have the strength. Hearing his voice alone will put me in a spiral, it'll make me want to see him and kiss him, and hold him. I will want to do all the things we talked about. All the plans we had, all the stories we still need to tell each other, how do I continue a bond that I know will not last? 

I decline his call, knowing full well that he will call back again and I do this continuously because I am not ready. I am not ready to see him. I will eventually muster up the courage and I will tell him the truth.

Eventually. 

Days pass and everything goes back to the way it was before Ford. My life as it was before I found something that made me smile. I act like I am fine but my friends can see right through me. Jack hates what this is doing to me but I keep lying and saying I am fine. 

"Hey," Jack and Eren are watching me as I play with the fries on my plate. 

I don't even know what they were talking about before their attention shifted to me. 

"Huh?" 

Eren chuckles "Dude, what is wrong with you. You have been spacing out a lot lately." 

We haven't told him anything, not because I want to keep this from him, but because saying this out loud hurts a lot more and I am not ready to let go of what we had. I am not ready to think about how things were perfect and now I have to let go of everything. 

"I'm fine," I continue with the lies and denial. 

Jack scoffs "You're not fine. You are miserable and we both see it," he decides to be 'captain obvious' at this moment. 

"I am not miserable." 

They both laugh "We know normal Lance, yeah you might not be the life of the party but at least you had some life in you. This Lance we are with right now sucks and we need our best friend back," Eren interjects. 

"Nothing is wrong with me." 

Jack sighs and stands up from the chair in the middle of the cafeteria "I'm going to the bathroom; I will be back." he leaves without waiting for a response and I look at Eren "Seriously, I am fine," I don't want to talk about everything with him because there is no point. We might be close but we are not close enough to go through all the semantics. 

I hear footsteps and murmurs coming from everyone in the cafeteria, their eyes seem to be following someone. There are a lot of curious stares and this piques my curiosity, turning around, I see him before he even gets close enough. I will know him from a mile away. His whole appearance is engraved to my memory for the rest of my life. At this moment, there are different thoughts running through my head. 

What is he doing here? 

How did he find me? 

Why? 

His eyes roam around the cafeteria like he is searching for something, I know what or rather who he is looking for, I have been ignoring all his calls. I sent him a message two days ago, saying I needed space from hi. I expected this sooner but not in school in front of everyone. His eyes meet mine and there is an expression on his face like he is in pain. I want to stand up and run into his arms. Apologise for being such a coward but I can't, the only thing I can do is run and that Is what I do as I stand up from the stool and run the other direction. I hear him as he follows me and this only makes me run faster. 

I can't face him right now. 

Holy shit.