34. Chapter 34

Thanks so much for all the reviews this past weekend :) It has been seriously motivating me to write. I have so many ideas bouncing around my head, I can't wait to get them all out. I'm thinking there are a lot of chapters left in this story :)

Happy reading slash happy Monday!

Chapter 34,

Erin awoke to Jay yelling out in his sleep. She couldn't decipher his words, but even with his eyes closed she could see the haunted look on his face. She moved towards him, noticing that the cream-colored sheets were soaked with sweat. She had never witnessed him having a nightmare before, and she wasn't sure if she should wake him up or let him ride it out.

She was sure he was dreaming of Allie.

He hadn't wanted to talk about it. He had given her the facts of his April 15th routine, but she could tell he was leaving something out. The way he was peeling the sticker on his beer and avoiding her gaze, she could tell that something that was really plaguing him.

She desperately wanted him to trust her with his thoughts and feelings. But she knew more than anyone that sometimes things were just too hard to talk about. Some thoughts were so huge that they had a way of stealing your word and your breath.

It had taken her years before she could relive the night that Hank rescued her and Bunny. And even then, she had picked the moment to share it with Jay. The date hadn't been sprung upon her, she hadn't been given a deadline,

So she had decided to let him know that she was there for him, but also chose not to push. Instead, she just snuggled with him on the couch, refilled his whiskey glass twice, and after an hour, led him to bed.

He was still tossing and turning, calling out gibberish in his sleep. She was surprised when she didn't hear Allie's name, but instead heard him calling out for a Mouse. She wasn't sure what that meant. Was that a person?

She wrapped her arms around him tightly, not caring that she was quickly becoming soaked with his sweat. She gently pressed his head into her chest and began stroking his hair gently. When he continued to struggle against her, she decided to slip off her shirt, hoping the feeling of her warm skin against his bare chest might subconsciously calm him down.

Thankfully, that seemed to work, because a few moments later his breathing evened out and his body laid pliant against hers.

She didn't sleep at all for the rest of the night. She just continued to hold him in her arms, stroking his hair and peppering kisses lightly to the top of his head every time he stirred.

Finally, the moonlight was replaced by sunlight cascading through the window. She began taking in the room around her, smiling at the subtle changes to the room since she had moved in. Instead of her own drawer, she had her own dresser. Two painted clay bowls stood on the table, an arts and craft project at school that turned into a gift from each other her girls.

She stayed cradled against him, her eyes searching the room, until ten minutes before Jay's alarm was set to go off. Then, she slipped out of bed and threw on his discarded t-shirt and quietly tiptoed out of the room.

The kitchen was freezing, and the light fabric of Jay's undershirt was doing nothing to warm her body. She turned the coffee maker on, and quickly prepared a large cup. She added a spoonful of skim milk and a tiny pinch of sugar, mixing the ingredients together in his favorite Blackhawks mug.

She checked the time on her cell phone. Two more minutes.

She walked back into the bedroom they shared, and put the large black mug on the nightstand. Then she slipped back into bed, wrapping her body around his hard, warm limbs. She pressed her face into his back, and laid a kiss between his strong shoulder blades.

When his iPhone alarm began to chime, he didn't even open his eyes before reaching out for his phone and pressing snooze.

"Good morning," she whispered into his ear. She wanted to ask him how he was feeling, but she didn't. She didn't need to. She knew exactly how he was feeling anyway.

Hungover and sad.

He turned around to face her, and she was shocked at how blood shot and red his eyes were. "Good morning," he whispered back. He pressed a kiss lightly to her lips, and then he looked past her at the steam slowly rising from the mug on her nightstand. "Is that for me?" He asked throatily.

She smiled, sitting up and carefully lifting the mug and passing it to him. "I figured you could use it." It was the closest thing she would say and it was only a vague reference to the night before. If he wanted to bring it up, she would let him. Otherwise, she would just be here.

"Thanks, Er." He said, sitting up and taking a tentative sip.

They sat quietly while he sipped his coffee. She wished she had thought to make herself one, because then she would have something to do with her hands.

Jay noticed her shifting uncomfortably, and he clasped her hands with his empty one. "I love you," he said quietly.

"I love you, too, Jay," she breathed.

Jay was about halfway through his coffee, when Erin finally spoke. "So," she began. Jay was still leaning against the headboard, his eyes looking straight ahead, but he turned at the sound of her voice. "I have to take a shower, but then I was thinking we could get the girls ready, feed them breakfast, and then I'll take Grace to school before work."

She wasn't sure why she had said all of that. It was essentially their morning routine, the way they spent every morning. Unless Jay was between cases, she usually dropped the girls off at school in the morning, because she didn't have to be in as early as he did. Sam, their regular babysitter, had even signed up for an early morning college class, knowing she wasn't going to be needed as much for last minute back up.

"Yeah," he replied. "That sounds good."

She was disappointed by the brevity of his response, and it was only then that she realized exactly why she had said all of that.

She wanted to expand on his plans for the day.

Had he talked to Maddie? Did she remember what today was?

Did he want Grace to meet them at the park after school? Did he want Grace with dinner at the Corson's?

Did he want her at dinner with the Corson's?

It was the only way she could think of asking, and when he shut it down, she knew she couldn't continue with the line of questioning.

Today was about Jay and Allie and Maddie and their family. It wasn't about her. Or how she fit into it.

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Maddie hadn't cried at the cemetery.

She had quietly placed the flowers down against the headstone, and then, facing it, she sat down. Then she talked to Allie like she was talking to her best friend.

Jay stood a few feet away, giving her some some semblance of privacy, even though he was intently listening to every word.

She spent the first ten minutes talking about Grace. She included everything from Grace's favorite shirt, to the way she always laughed at Maddie's jokes, to the way she loved macaroni and cheese, to the way the two of them constantly ganged up on their daddy to let them watch Frozen. She included her favorite flavor ice cream and her favorite things in school. She told Allie about how Grace wanted to bring in her stuffed elephant for show and tell, because it was the first thing daddy had ever given her.

And then, she spoke with such tenderness when she finally told Allie about Grace's mother. She relayed the details of the day they found her, about the incident with the spilled milk.

It broke his heart and healed it at the same time. He was damn proud of his little girl.

When she finished her long monologue about Grace, Jay listened intently as she began to talk about Erin. The other new person in her life.

The entire time he had been sitting in the car, trying to decide how to bring up Erin. Allie was dead of course, and while he did believe she could truly hear them, his care with his words was more for Maddie's sake. In case she decided to eavesdrop, like he was doing now.

But he was stunned by how easily Maddie introduced her. "When Grace came home to meet us, she brought Erin." That was how she started. Simple. Direct. Honest. "She lives with us now, because she and Daddy love each other." Also true.

Maddie's voiced lower to a whisper, and he could barely make out her words. "Grace calls her mommy, and I do, too." She said, "I hope that's okay." She touched the headstone softly, and then began picking at the yellow petals on the flowers she had set in front of it. Yellow had been Allie's favorite color.

He wasn't sure if it was Grace's maturity rubbing off on her, or if it was the fact that she had lived through a great loss herself, but her movements - her words - were so grown up that it quite literally took his breath away. "I'll never forget that you're my mommy." She said, her eyes still completely dry. "You were my first mommy, and I love you." Then she paused, and added, "I'll miss you forever. But you're always right here." She finished with her hand pressed against her chest, right above her heart.

Her eyes may have been dry, but Jay's eyes were wet as she walked away from the headstone and moved towards him. He lifted her into his arms and hugged her fiercely, burying his nose in her hair. "I love you, Mads," he whispered.

"I love you too, Daddy."

He held her tightly in his arms for a long time, and after a few minutes she seemed to fall asleep. According to Annie, lately she had been forgoing nap time in school, choosing instead to play quietly on her mat, but the emotions of the day had clearly exhausted her because she was snoring lightly on his shoulder.

He walked over to the grave site, and sat down in the perfectly mowed grass. In a seated position, his legs stretched long in front of him, he leaned his body against the grey marble headstone, Maddie still sound asleep in his arms.

"Hey, Al. It's Jay," he sighed. It was always how he started their conversations. Although he hadn't started one in a while. "I guess a lot's changed in the last year."

A lone tear fell from his cheek as he continued, "You would love Grace," he said, not feeling the need to explain further. Even without Maddie's ten minute monologue, he was sure Allie knew all about her. She was up there, and she was watching.

"And god, you would love Erin," he chuckled slightly, tears still slowly sliding down his face. "She's exactly the type of girl you always pressed me to date," he said shaking his head slightly at the thought. Allie had constantly hassled him about his perpetual bachelor-like behavior. He hadn't seriously dated anyone after Allie got pregnant, not liking anyone enough to invite them into their inner circle. She was always making fun of his 'string of one night stands'. There hadn't really been that many, but she loved to tease him just the same.

Whenever he teased her back, she always insisted that she needed to 'return to her pre-baby body first.' He would always tell her that she had never been more beautiful to him, because it was true. And then he reminded her that he wouldn't approve of any guy that judged the few pounds that remained around her middle, because that was definitely true.

God, he missed her so much sometimes. Their uncomplicated friendship, full of love and laughter. "Al, I just wish you were here to see it all." He paused, because it wasn't just that. "I wish you were here to be part of it all." She would have added so much to his life now.

"And I'm so sorry that I'm doing this life without you," he choked out.

Well, that was the crux of it, wasn't it?

She had died, and with it, her entire future had died along with it. She was never going to meet the perfect man, her other half. She wouldn't walk down the aisle with her father on her arm, or maybe him, because he would have loved to give her away.

She was never to watch her daughter grow into this beautiful person she was already becoming. She would never meet Grace. And she really would have loved Grace. She would have insisted on being the cool Aunt, even though he would have immediately reminded her that she actually wasn't that cool.

And she would have loved Erin. She would have been so happy for him. They spent their entire lives standing by each other's sides, cheering each other on. This would have been no different. She would have been the best woman at his wedding, and no doubt, her speech would have moved him to tears.

She died, and with it, so did all of these little moments.

But he was still here. And his life, well, it just kept going.

And it kept getting better and better everyday.

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"Higher, Daddy, higher!" Maddie squealed from the swing. Jay had pushing her for a few minutes, but he had been keeping his pushes slow and gentle. He hated the swings. Almost as much as he hated the monkey bars.

Why were they so many places to get hurt? The wooden mulch scattered on the ground would do nothing to cushion a fall. God, this place was like a death trap.

"Okay, baby," he replied, pushing only a tiny bit more. She loved to press him, but she knew his limits. The same she finally stopped insisting he stand under her when she swung from the outermost monkey bar. He wasn't sure what he was going to do when she was old enough to actually move across them.

He focused on the swings, and tried to block his nerves from his mind. He had tried to release all of his anxiety at the cemetery, but it had followed him mercilessly to the park.

His stomach was in knots, his chest was tight. He had never been this nervous to see the Corson's.

At least he had a few hours to mentally prepare.

Or so he thought. "Nana! Grandpa!" Maddie yelled from the swing. She kicked and dragged her feet against the ground, trying to slow the swing down abruptly. She turned in place and almost fell off the swing in her excitement.

See, this is why he didn't let her sit on the stool in the kitchen unless it was surrounded by a heap of pillows.

"Hold on, Mads." He said, grabbing the side of the swing and easing it to a more comfortable stop.

With the sun in his face, he hadn't spotted the Corson's right away, but when the swing finally slowed to a stop, Maddie took off running towards the slides. It was only then that they came into view, and he saw them walking towards them. They each had huge smiles on their faces as they opened their arms to Maddie.

"Hey Gail, Danny," he said as he reached them, his daughter was already in Danny Corson's arms. "It's good to see you," he said. And he meant it. He forgot how much he had missed them, too.

"Jay, you look tired," Gail said, always slipping into the mother role whenever she saw him. "Are you sleeping enough?"

"Gail," Danny said, "Leave the boy alone. He has two daughters to take care of now." Danny began looking around, "Speaking of, where is she?"

"Oh, I... uh... wasn't sure if you would want me to bring her," Jay said, shifting uncomfortably as Danny passed Maddie to Gail, letting her get her hugs and kisses in, too.

Gail kissed Maddie on the head and turned to Jay, her face a mix of surprise and exasperation. "Why in the world would you think that?" She said, "We have been dying to meet her!" She turned to look at her husband, "Right Danny?"

He nodded in agreement, seeming just as surprised as his wife.

"We're just sorry we haven't made it out here sooner," Gail said. "It's been four, almost five months since she's moved in, right?"

"Yeah," Jay said, immediately feeling guilty that it had been longer than usual since he had seen the Corson's. He should have planned a trip. "Well-"

Maddie, who had been so busy with hugs and kisses and bouncing in her grandmother's arms, finally spoke up. "Daddy," she said, seemingly not paying attention to the adult conversation. "I'm hungry. Can I have a snack?"

He smiled down at her and shook his head, "Mads, didn't you just have one?" That was the best part of having a kid around. It always eased the tension.

She smiled shyly, "Yeah, but I'm still hungry."

"Okay," he replied. "Why don't you go show Nana and Grandpa how well you do on the swings, and I'll go get you some apple sauce from the car."

"Okay!" She said, happily. Gail set her down on the ground, and she immediately grabbed both of their hands in hers. "Let's go!" She said.

"I'll be right back," he said, smiling at them, and trying to hide his discomfort. If they wanted to meet Grace, that meant he should also introduce them to Erin. And he couldn't introduce them to Erin until he told them everything. Because he certainly couldn't have Maddie call Erin 'mommy' without warning them first.

Jay was not hiding his discomfort well. Anxiety was radiating off of him, and it was clear with every step slight movement he made. "He seems..." Gail began, whispering quietly over Maddie to her husband.

"Nervous," Danny finished.

"It can't be about Grace, though, right?" Gail asked. "Maybe it's about his new girlfriend?" Jay had only mentioned her a few times in passing, but Danny and Gail could already tell she was something pretty special.

Danny shifted his head and nodded towards Maddie. Then he raised his eyebrows in question.

She knew she shouldn't go behind his back, shouldn't use his daughter to get information, but she couldn't seem to help it. She nodded yes in agreement.

"Maddie," Danny leaned down to pick her up. "Tell me about your new sister." Once she got talking, he was sure she could lead him in Jay's new girlfriend's direction without much difficulty.

He was right.

"And then, after Grace moved in, guess what happened?" Maddie had been so excited to fill her grandparents in on everything. Facetiming just did not suffice.

"What?" Gail asked, excitedly.

"Daddy started to love Grace's social worker. And then she moved in, too!" She squealed.

"She did?" Danny probed, knowing he had limited time before Jay came back from the parking lot. Thankfully, it was a bit of a walk.

"Yeah!"

"What's her name?" Gail asked, smiling. Good for him, she thought.

"Her name is Erin Lindsay," Maddie answered, "But now I call her mommy."

Gail's eyebrows shot up as the smile drained from her lips, and Danny shifted his head in shock. "You do?" He said, his voice unsteady.

"Yeah," Maddie said, staring at her grandfather, but she seemed unaware of the change in his manners. "When Grace started calling daddy daddy, she asked if she could start calling Erin mommy. And she said yes!" She said, her voice still full of excitement. "And so I asked her, too!"

"What did she say?" Grace said, wishing she had been present for the conversation. She was glad it was Maddie that had posed the question, and that it have come on the back of Grace's request. But she still wished she could have seen exactly how everything had gone.

"She said that I had a mommy, a really special one who loved me more than anything in the whole world." Gail's shoulders sagged with relief at her words, and Danny smiled sadly.

Maddie continued, "Then she said that she wished more than anything that my mommy could be here to watch me grow up." Maddie's voice grew softer then, "She said my real mommy is in here," she pressed her hand against her chest, "But that she would love to be my mommy, too."

Then Maddie whispered the same words she had voiced at the cemetery. "Do you that's okay? I don't want mommy to be sad in heaven."

Gail and Danny, who had begun to soften at her words, nodded slowly. "Yeah, Maddie. I think that's okay." Gail whispered, as a small tear fell from her eye.

"She sounds pretty special," Danny added, truly meaning it.

When they reached the swing, they placed Maddie on it and began to push her slowly.

"Higher, Nana!" She cried. "Higher!"

And she obliged. In that way only grandparents did.

Danny stepped behind the swing and hovered next to his wife. "Are you okay?" He whispered. It had been a lot to take in, and she had always been the more sensitive one of the two.

"You know," Gail whispered back, "I think I am." She said, really meaning it. Her daughter had been gone a long time, and Jay had grieved her as much as any of them. "Besides, it's about time that boy found someone to share his life with."

"You're right about that," Danny replied, proud of his wife for her grace and compassion.

Just then, Jay appeared beside them. He seemed to be avoiding their gaze slightly, and instead his eyes remained fixated on his daughter. "Hey, monkey."

"Hi, daddy!" She said, turning towards him, slightly unsteady. She was way too high on that swing.

"Come on, baby." He said, "Let's go eat your snack."

He took care to slow down the swing and then plucked her from the seat. They were so done with the swings for the day. He was nervous enough without them.

The three of them moved towards the dark wooden picnic tables, Maddie happily chattering between them. He tried to steady his breathing as they walked, rehearsing over and over what he planned to say the next time they asked about dinner.

When they finally sat down, he began to open the apple sauce pouch for Maddie and handed it to her.

"Beautiful day," he remarked, unsure of what else to say. Why was he so uncomfortable? He was never this uncomfortable around the Corsons.

"It sure is," Danny replied, looking at his wife. She nodded her approval at his look, and he added, "Beautiful day for a barbecue, I think."

"Really?" Maddie interrupted. She loved barbecues. Especially at Grandpa Hank's house.

"Really." Gail replied. Then she turned to face Jay. "And Jay," she added, "All of your girls are invited." She tilted her head, making sure he caught her meaning. "We have room for six."

Jay remained speechless, but Maddie seemed to count the people up in her head and said, "Mommy can come, too?"

"Yes," Gail replied, a soft smile on her lips, her eyes still on Jay. "Your mommy can come, too."

xoxo

Please Review :)

I hope you guys liked it! I didn't want to make it a whole dragged out thing - because honestly, it might be hard for them to hear their granddaughter mommy, but I didn't think it would be hard to see Jay dating and happy! It's been years and he wasn't even dating Allie. Let me know what you think :)