33. Chapter 33

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Chapter 33,

"Yo Halstead, Dawson," Adam Ruzek stood from his desk, slung on his light jacket, and began gathering his things. "Kevin and I are heading to Molly's. You guys in for a drink?"

Ugh. Jay knew he should say yes. The case had been wrapped up in the early hours of the morning, and with the paperwork now complete, Voight had dismissed them and they were leaving earlier than expected. Plus, he had skipped out on drinks with the guys the last three times they had asked.

But he really didn't want to go. Actually, it was the last thing he wanted to do. He just wanted to get home to his girls.

"Sure," Dawson answered first. "Laura has the kids tonight, and I could definitely use a drink after this one." It had a particularly gruesome and tough case, involving three dead college girls. Each one had been sexually assaulted by multiple offenders, their bodies had been badly beaten and disfigured, and then they had been been dumped in the woods, left to rot, only to be discovered by a jogger and her dog. The case had taken longer than usual, and the more they learned about the case, the more depressing and difficult it became.

But he was past the days where cases like this made him want to bury himself in a drink. Now, cases like this made him want to bury himself in Erin. To inhale her lavender scent and to let warm her touch calm him from the inside, out.

"What about you Halstead?" Ruzek asked again, "I'm sure Erin can handle the girls for a couple hours."

He was right, of course. Erin had been officially moved in for three months now, and she had the mother thing down pat. They had even gone through the lengthy process of making Erin an official co-foster parent of Grace, and they were rapidly moving in the direction of adoption.

But it didn't matter that she could handle them just fine, that she didn't need him there. It was that he needed to be there.

He loved hearing the girls chat animatedly about their day over snacks in the afternoon. He didn't want to miss it. They were just growing up too fast, Grace was about to turn five next month, with Maddie turning five two months after that.

He just wanted them to stay little forever.

"I'm gonna need a rain check, guys." He said, hoping they wouldn't give him too hard of a time. "With the hours we've been pulling on this case, I haven't been home to see Grace or Maddie before bed time in days." He was pretty sure they couldn't argue with that. "I'll see you all tomorrow."

"Okay," Ruzek sighed, dejectedly. If Ruzek had a family to go home too, he would probably take a rain check, too. Things hadn't ended up working out with Rachel Stone. After he brought her to Molly's a few times, she had abruptly ended things, telling him that he was clearly not over his ex. And, well, he couldn't exactly argue with that one. "See you tomorrow."

"You're off tomorrow, Halstead." Voight's gruff voice descended upon the bullpen as he stood in the doorway of his office.

"What?" Jay asked, genuinely confused.

"You blocked off the day months ago," he said. His voice grew a little softer when he added, "It's April 15. You block it off every year." Jay recognized his soft tone of voice as the one usually reserved for Erin and his daughters.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, taking a deep breath.

How could he have forgotten?

The past few months had been a whirlwind. Was it really that time of year again?

Yes, he realized. It was. The freezing winters had abated enough that he was now only wearing his leather jacket. The air had begun growing crisp and fresh, the flowers were beginning to show signs of bloom.

Erin had taken the girls out shopping for new more seasonally appropriate clothes. He was signing up them up for summer camp, the deadline for signing up for next year's kindergarten class was fast approaching.

It had snuck up on him. It was almost spring.

Tomorrow was April 15.

God. How could he have forgotten?

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Erin pulled into the parking lot of the preschool to pick up the girls. She was running a few minutes late, she had been caught up in an adoption hearing.

She had tried to time it out perfectly, but things never seemed to go as planned. After the hearing, the parents had wanted her to stay, celebrate with them, and take photos. She had wanted to refuse, but when they approached her, tears in their eyes, thanking her and begging her to stay, she found that she couldn't say no.

So she had driven as fast as she could to the preschool from the courthouse, wishing the whole time that she had sirens like Hank and Jay.

She texted Annie to let her know she would be fifteen minutes late, apologizing profusely, and feeling extremely guilty that she was taking advantage of the personal relationship she had with their teacher.

God, what was she going to do next year when they had someone else.

She didn't even want to think about that. Because that meant kindergarten. That meant her babies weren't going to be babies much longer. She pushed those thoughts way to the back of her head.

She rushed into the classroom, and found Maddie and Grace quietly looking at books in the corner of the room. It always surprised her how much they loved looking at books, taking in each page so intently, even though they had yet to learn to read.

"Annie," Erin said, her voice panting slightly from her run from the car. "I'm so sorry I'm late."

"Don't sweat it, Erin." She laughed, dismissing her friends apology with a wave. "I have been staying an hour late every day this week doing paperwork. Student reports are due at the end of the week and I have less than half done." She motioned towards the stack of papers at her desk and shook her head, exasperated. "They've been quietly playing by themselves this whole time, and I've been trying to crank these out."

"Good," she smiled at Annie gratefully. "I'm glad they weren't distracting you." Maddie and Grace could play quietly, but they could also both talk a mile and minute, and sometimes at the end of a long day, you didn't know which versions you were going to get.

She began to walk towards the girls cubbies to collect their things when Annie stopped her. "Oh, actually I had a quick question for you." She said, looking down at the calendar she had opened in front of her. "I have written down here that Maddie is going to be absent from school tomorrow." She double checked the date, and then nodded her head. "I think I put this in the calendar a long time ago, maybe before Grace even started." She wasn't sure, but the ink was black, and she had switched to color coordinating her calendar about five months ago. She rarely used black anymore. "Is Grace going to be out, too?" She asked.

If it had been any other teacher, Erin probably would have put on a show and pretended she knew the answer to that question. Because what mother wouldn't.

Right?

But Annie was one of her best and oldest friends, so instead she tilted her head to the side and gave her a confused expression, revealing exactly how she felt. "I have no idea," she admitted. "I didn't know Maddie wasn't going to be in school tomorrow."

She began wracking her brain for potential reasons Maddie would be missing school for one random day in the middle of the week when Annie spoke up, "Maybe it's a doctors appointment?"

She shook her head in response. That was definitely not it. Jay had just taken Maddie to the doctor last week for a checkup. Plus, doctors appointments didn't take all day.

"I'll talk to Jay and let you know," she said, finally, as her cheeks blushed with embarrassment. Even if this was an old friend, it didn't make it any less embarrassing that she didn't know her own daughter's schedule.

Sometimes, in these moments, she remembered that Maddie wasn't actually her daughter. Or at least she hadn't been for all that long.

She folded that thought up as small as it would go and pushed it to the back of her mind, way further than all the other ones.

She couldn't do this here.

"Girls," she said a little louder, making sure her voice projected to the other side of the room. "Time to go home."

"Hi, mommy!" Grace said, as she raced over to greet Erin. Erin smiled at the word, she really had needed to hear it.

Maddie followed and smiled up at her, "Mommy! Look what we painted in school today!" Maddie pointed to two large pieces of artwork drying on the table. They were both finger painted rainbows, but they each had their own style.

Erin could tell right away which one was which. Maddie always opted to put pink next to the purple in her rainbows, because she thought it made it prettier. And Grace always opted for clean lines and symmetry. Her little perfectionist.

See, she thought. I know my daughters.

"Wow!" She said excitedly, as she kissed each girl on the top of their head, hoping her other emotions didn't show. "Girls, go put your books away, okay. Ms. Annie shouldn't have to clean up after you."

The girls turned and did as she instructed and she walked over to their cubbies to grab their jackets and backpacks.

All the while, she was deep in thought.

What did Maddie have to do tomorrow that she wasn't going to be in school? And why had it been penciled in so far in advance?

And why hadn't Jay told her?

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The apartment was still empty when Jay got home from work, which meant no little girls running to greet him, jumping into his arms after a long, shitty day.

He wanted to reach for a beer, but judging it to be too early in the day to start drinking, he opted to brew a fresh pot of coffee instead. He hoped it would relax him the same way he knew a bottle of beer would.

But if he started drinking today, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop.

As the coffee began to drip from the machine slowly into the pot, Jay began to unload the dishwasher. He found his headphones and turned on some music, allowing himself to get lost in the mindless task.

When he was finished, he looked around the kitchen, just hoping to find something out of place. There was nothing like cleaning and organizing to dull his mind.

There was, of course, nothing out of place. This was his apartment, after all.

So instead, he decided to start a load of laundry. The girls' laundry bin was only half full, but his and Erin's seemed to be overflowing. He turned up the volume and began dividing the brights from the whites. He filled the washer with clothes and added the detergent, and then he returned to the kitchen.

He checked the clock over the oven. It was 4:15. He wasn't usually home this early, but he was pretty sure the girls were not usually this late. He was about to call Erin and check in when he heard the key turning in the front door.

Thank God, he thought, as he let out a sigh of relief.

There was nothing in the world that Erin and his daughters couldn't make better.

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By the time Erin returned home with the girls, she had almost forgotten about Maddie's planned absence for the next day. Grace and Maddie had been telling her all about their day at school, and about how excited they were that Friday was show and tell. They each got to bring something to school to share with the class, and neither one of them had decided what to bring.

Erin told them she would try to help them come up with some good suggestions, and they bounced around ideas all the way home.

But when Erin got home, she found Jay in the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee, with music blaring through the white headphones in his ears.

Jay only wore his headphones when he was running.

Or when he was trying to block out the world.

He began removing them when he saw her, trying to stuff the evidence into his pocket along with his phone. "Girls, go play and I'll call you when it's time for your snack," she said quietly.

Then she walked over to him and put her hands on his shoulders. She noticed right away that his eyes were sad and his breathing was labored. "Baby," she said, suddenly nervous. "Tell me something." Tell me what's wrong.

"Tomorrow is April 15th," he whispered, by way of explanation.

"I know," she said, her voice full of empathy and compassion as if she understood exactly what he was saying.

Which, by the way, she didn't.

When he didn't elaborate further, she kissed him softly and tried again. "Tell me something," she repeated. She hoped this time he would give her a little more.

"April 15th was Allie's birthday."

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Grace and Maddie had run into the kitchen shortly after his admission, requesting apples and peanut butter for their snack. They had gotten home from school later than usual and they were hungry.

Together, they made it through snack time, play time, dinner time, story time, and bed time, and finally the girls were asleep. Erin brought Jay a beer, and sat down with him on the couch.

She sat crosslegged on the brown leather couch, and her body was turned so that she was facing him. She rested her hands on his thigh and began caressing lightly up and down. "Okay," she said, softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Jay sighed, as he felt her warm touch through the denim of his jeans.

He didn't really. He didn't want to talk at all.

He just wanted to trade his beer for a glass of whiskey and drink until he couldn't see straight.

Until he could go to sleep and forget about the fact that he was never going to see Allie's face again.

Until he could forget about the fact that for the first time in over fifteen years, he had forgotten it was her birthday tomorrow.

Until he could forget about the fact that he was so deliriously happy in his life that this year, he had simply forgotten to be miserable.

He felt so fucking guilty, because this year he seemed to miss her less.

Ugh. He was the worst.

The day she died she had been his best friend, and Maddie's mother. That's how she left this world. In the kitchen with the two of them standing beside her.

That's how she would remember it.

She was still Maddie's mother, of course, and she would always be his best friend. But he had found someone to dull that pain, to full that void. Actually, if he was being honest, Erin filled voids that were there even when Allie had been.

Was he being selfish? Were his actions making Allie's memories less precious?

Was making new memories completely unfair to her? To the Corson's?

He reasoned that the answer was probably yes. He was being selfish and completely unfair.

Maddie hadn't touched that stuffed pink pig in months. Months.

"Allie and I usually go to the cemetery in the morning," he said. Because he couldn't say no, I don't want to talk about this to Erin, but he also couldn't find it in himself to say the rest of it. "Then we have lunch at her favorite restaurant." They always ordered her favorite meal, spaghetti with meatballs. "We play in the park in the afternoon, and then have dinner with the Corson's."

Erin hadn't met the Corson's. He had told them about her briefly over the phone, but they lived in Florida and he hadn't found the words to tell them everything.

Jesus. They were probably already in town. They probably wondered why he hadn't reached out yet.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What the hell was he going to do?

How was he going to face them?

He tried to keep his voice light and steady, but Erin seemed to read his mind. Or at the very least she realized that he was a lot more upset than he was letting on, because she squeezed his knee softly and then stood up and disappeared into the kitchen.

And then two minutes later she came out, and replaced his beer with a large glass of whiskey.

God.

This was the problem.

How could he be miserable when he had this beautiful woman in his life who knew him this well?

What was he supposed to do?

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