Chapter 3, Himari

My name is Himari Fujihara and I love people. I love my best friend, Kaede. Despite the distance between us, she has never let me down. I love the center of our idol group, Aya. Although I argue with her all the time and often verbally throw things at her, I have grown fond of her. She may come across as selfish and uncompromising, which is true, but she's also a good friend with whom you can really experience a lot (and whom I can drag along to conventions). Also, it's never boring with her and I admire her for her determination. I love my boyfriend, Ichigo, who is quite the opposite of me. While I am emotional, he is seemingly serenity itself and usually has a poker face. He loves to read, I hate reading. He's pessimistic (realistic according to him), I'm optimistic (unrealistic according to him). I love to socialize, he's more reclusive that way. But we both love to be idols, to sing, to dance (though we complement each other here too, he is more talented at dancing and I more talented at singing).

I like Haruki and Yua, but I can't get close to them. I have known and still know people who close themselves off completely and are slow to open up - or never do. Aya is just as much one of them, which I rack my brain over daily, but at least she seems cheerful. Haruki and Yua are not, or at least only to a certain extent. There are moments when Haruki is beaming and carefree, infecting those around him with his good humor. Then there are moments when it seems as if all energy has been drained out of him and any laughter loses its charm. Yua is even worse off. She doesn't talk, never about herself. She can't and won't open up. Although I hate to callher as such, she really is like a doll at times. Lifeless and monotonous. Many from our school think I should just leave her alone, that she chose this life for herself.

"She didn't," I say back every time, "Please don't talk about her like you know your stuff." These students are just cruel to her, which has at least improved somewhat since Yua became an idol. Also, they are completely wrong, Yua is not a monotone doll, Yua can laugh and be childish - but only partially. I want her to be able to be that Yua all the time, but it seems more and more impossible every day.

"What am I going to do," I ask myself, dropping my head onto my pillow. It must be nice to be able to separate yourself more emotionally from other people. But it can be just as wrong, not the right thing to do, if it means dropping others. I want to be me and do the right thing.

A hand strokes my bare back. So he's awake.

"Did I wake you?", I ask, turning my face to Ichigo. He looks tired, his deep red eyes looking at me with exhaustion, but his lips give me a gentle smile.

"Yes, you did. So we can worry together."

I sit up, put my face in my hands, and groan out loud, "I don't know where to start! Yua obviously is suffering and I can do absolutely nothing, I feel so useless."

"Mmhhh," says Ichigo, "Will you make me a coffee please?"

In response, I throw a pillow in his face, "Make your own, I'm seriously worried about my friend right now!"

Unimpressed, Ichigo looks at me, "I understand your concern, but what's the point of making yourself so crazy? You're not helping anyone with this."

"But your indifference is helping who?", I retort flippantly.

"I'm not indifferent to Yua and Haruki. I just know that if you think too much about other people's problems, it can end badly."

"Like you don't do the same."

"...Touché," Ichigo admits defeat and stands up, "I'll get a coffee myself then, after that we can spend the night worrying about others."

"Stop!", I shout indignantly, "Put some clothes on first!" Sometimes my boyfriend really is a little too laid back.

After he gets dressed and heads to the kitchen, I sigh loudly. It's going to be a long night. While waiting for Ichigo, I change into pajamas, my gaze falling on my reflection.

I love myself. I love Himari. I love my blonde braids. I love my big green eyes. I love my small breasts.

I hate my too wide shoulders. I hate my Adam's apple. I hate most the evidence between my legs that I don't see Himari in the mirror. I see a strange person. Not myself, but a strange man. And I hate this feeling. This feeling of not recognizing myself.

I love the arms that embrace me from behind, Ichigo's warmth against my back and his breath against my ear, "I thought we were worried about others."

"I hate that you're smaller than me."

"Sorry, I'll be wearing high heels starting tomorrow."

Laughing softly, I jokingly admonish him, "Watch the atmosphere."

"Why should I? It's much better now, isn't it?"

I laugh again and Ichigo kisses me on the cheek as he pulls me to the bed. Once there, he has an arm around me and is drinking his drink with his free hand.

"What am I going to do?", I whisper. Ichigo's eyes look even more tired than before, despite the coffee.

"Wait for now," he advises me. I don't want to hear that.

"I want to help them now."

"You can't."

Indignant, I turn away from Ichigo, he can be so insensitive!

"Hime, don't invest too much emotion in those two. You're not made for this."

But he can also be so honest, and I love him for that. He knows my weakness of getting so lost in others' feelings that I perceive them as my own. That I cry for others and fear that I suffer for others for no reason. All because I can't distance myself.

"...Maybe I should think of something else for today," I murmur.

"Mmhh," Ichigo agrees with me and falls onto his pillow at the same time, "Good night, I love you."

In response, I roll my eyes, "Night, love you too."

My thoughts don't become more trivial and I almost feel bad about it. Yet I know that if I did not do this now, I would feel even worse. I look forward to the weekend when I can sleep in and make up for my lack of sleep.