Chapter 2, Yua

Getting ice cream after school is something I really rarely do, only when I'm prompted to do it by Himari - like right now. The good thing is that I can spend time with her and Haruki doesn't accompany me on our way home. Himari is always beaming - unless something upsets her and she complains about it for a long time. Her ice cream is twice the size of mine; she has a real sweet tooth.

"I'm really excited about tomorrow, it's our first big concert,"she says again with a big grin.

Before I can say anything about it - which I don't want to anyway - she already continues, "I know it's actually the same as always, but on a big stage it's already something else...but I'm also so happy at the same time that we've made it this far, we're actually going to be famous."

Her bright green eyes are shining, the corners of her mouth are all the way up, as they often are. I, on the other hand, just nod. Suddenly she takes my hand and runs off with me, out of shock my ice cream almost fallsout of my hand.

"Where are you going?", I ask hesitantly, Himari laughs at me over her shoulder, "Dance with me, Yua!"

"Dance?"

"Yes! Our choreography!"

And she already stops running, lets go of my hand and dances. Our dance for tomorrow, with an ice cream in one hand. She looks so free and happy as she dances along inconsequentially, nibbling on her ice cream every now and then.

"Come on," Himari prompts me, "Dance until you fall over!"

"Yeah."

I love to dance, I love to be free, just as I am now. Just moving my body, not noticing anything else. And to sing. So I sing. The only two activities where I can laugh heartily. When I can let go.

Each time I feel weightless, free. Like the happy Yua.

Thunderous applause is heard as I stop dancing. I am on a stage, in front of me our audience, more than we have ever had before. Himari had been rightly excited about this. Where is Himari? A few meters away from me, cheerful as ever and wearing the idol outfit she designed and made. A little behind her, Haruki. Lively and in a good mood. I laugh out loud, whereupon Ayaka looks at me questioningly from the center stage. Ichigo is prbably be a little behind me. We just made our grand entrance. And I don't know anything about it, I don't know when or how I got here. I only know that I lived, that I danced, that I sang, and those feelings are the most important to me. And that Haruki is happy, really happy, as he should be. How can I not laugh? Tears come to my eyes as I hold my stomach and fall to my knees.

Ayaka points dramatically at me and speaks to the audience, "Laughing fit of death, stage fright has driven her crazy! Who wants an encore?"

I slowly manage to stop laughing and notice Ichigo stroking my back reassuringly. He helps me up and quietly asks, "Are you okay again?"

Smiling, I nod. Everything is fine. I love being an idol for just these moments. For this happiness. I love my life in these moments. I love Haruki in these moments. I love myself in these moments.

After our concert, Ayaka announces she's taking us all out to dinner - at her favorite restaurant, of course.

"Can't we go somewhere else?" asks Himari, who is visibly annoyed by always celebrating a success atthe same place.

Ayaka braces her hands on her hips and shakes her head vigorously, "No way! My group, my choice!"

"Self-centered as ever," Himari returns.

"Just because I know how great I am."

"So great that the sight of you makes me lose my appetite."

"You can also spend your evening alone somewhere else if my uniqueness is too much for you."

"The only one who will spend the evening alone is the little beast with the twisted self-perception."

"And here we go again...," Haruki sighs beside me, watching the start of another argument. How Ayaka and Himari can be friends is a real mystery to me, both girlshave quite a temper and hardly a day goes by without them bickering with each other. However, these settle quite quickly and are immediately forgotten. Ichigo has meanwhile put on his headphones and thus demonstratively shows that he does not want to hear anything of this war of words. Relaxed as ever.

"Do you think they'll stop until we get to the restaurant?", Haruki asks me. His eyes are still shining. I love the way his eyes look now. At the same time, I'm afraid of the moment when they will lose all joy of life again.

"I don't know," I answer, looking in front of me again.

"How was the concert for you?", I change the subject.

"Amazing! I wasn't nervous at all, I felt like a real celebrity and I didn't even want this performance to end. I was hoping that the audience would want another encore, so that this evening would never end, this feeling like Reiji..."

He talks and talks, can't stop describing his own version of our performance. I love him like this. I want him to stay like this forever. Until I kill him one more time. My smile almost fades at these thoughts.

"Woah!", Ayaka stretches her arms in the air and grins widely, she is energetic as always, even after such a big performance. Her clothes and hairstyle always look rebellious, like now with her provocative plaid mini skirt, tight-fitting top with hood and black choker. The overknees make her look even more scandalous. Her pink hair reaches just above her neck and often looks like she just woke up, her bangs are the only thing that is always in place, next to her dark pearl earrings. Scandalous and rebellious, like her loud personality.

Ayaka talks loudly about a new project. Himari switches her gaze back and forth, from her phone and to Ayaka. She's not attentively really listening to Ayaka. Himari's blonde hair is noticeably longer, with lots of volume, and is pretty much always tied up, in various styles, most of the time into two loose braids. Her eyes are green like mine, but in a lighter tone. Also, her face looks much softer and friendlier than mine. Her nails are always painted, always matching her outfit, which she puts a lot of thought into every day. Today she wears a loose, yellow, belly and off-the-shoulder top, along with light-colored shorts. She has her self made fanny pack with her as always, consisting of equally bright denim, some green and a simple beaded design. As accessories she wears gold bracelets and as so often also high heels, which makes her look even taller. Ayaka wears high boots as well as always, today pink ones with pink pompons.

Haruki is sitting next to me, as usual. His frizzy purple hair reaches down his neck and almost over one eye by his long bangs. He got his clothing style from his idol Reiji Tanaks, like him he wears a piercing on his ear every day that I don't think he will ever take off. He wears a purple and white striped shirt with a beige summer jacket that he has knitted up a bit, just like he has knitted up his jeans of the same color over his ankles as always. His summer shoes are a light brown, unusual to his other basketball shoes. A bright green scarf adorns his neck, along with a silver necklace with a crescent moon as a pendant and equally silver anklets that he wears all the time.

Ichigo sits at the other end of the table and talks loudly from there with Ayaka, whose voice gets even louder. As always, his hair is a mixture of straight-first-standing and daringly styled. That those loose strands on his face don't bother him, or his headphones that hang around his neck almost all the time. His silver ear piercings and earrings shine out from under his black hair, that his parents allow him to get pierced at that age. Mine would already lose their temper if I just tried a goth style like his or even looked at platform boots like his. He is barely taller than me without them. His lips and face are as narrow as mine, but he has sharper features and his deep red eyes radiate pure kindness. Red like the chaotic inscription "Sick" on his black shirt, just as black as his torn jeans. As always, he wears an opaque mesh top underneath, covering his neck and arms. In addition, several accessories, such as the black bracelet with spikes and skulls, matching his piercings, the necklace with a skull today, the black belt with chains and spikes. Even his lips and nails are completely black, matching his eye shadow and mascara.

"Keep your voices down," I admonish them both, "This is clear noise pollution."

"Sorry, need an escort to the bathroom," Himari says with a wink, pulling me with her to the bathroom. She seems admirably elegant, as she often does, and...treats me like I'm not a mistake. What a lie. Her steps are purposeful, her smile authentic, and her concern real.

You don't deserve it, you're not worth anything.

"Have you been in a fight?", Himari aks me in the empty restroom.

"No,", I answer promptly.

Narrow eyebrows draw together, she bites her lower lip as she always does when she's thinking.

Tell her to stop, she's going to ruin her lips for good.

"I can feel something's wrong. You can talk to me."

No, you can't. Don't trust anyone.

"You always talk about irrelevant things."

"Yua!", Himari's voice and attitude turns angry from one second to the next, I have to pull myself together not to flinch out of fear "What exactly is irrelevant about you? I'm just trying to help you!"

Therein lies your mistake.

"I don't need help." Did I just utter those words? They came out of my mouth, but not from myself.

The first tears begin to gather in Himari's bright eyes, she cries quite easily, but usually with joy. Not like this.

"Why aren't you happy?" her voice starts to break. I show no reaction, staying silent, no emotion. "Why can you laugh so heartily as an idol, but lose it as soon as you stop dancing?" Breathe calmly, calmly maintain eye contact, calmly swallow the rising panic. "I don't understand you, but I want to try to understand you," Himari reaches out her hand. She doesn't take mine again, but holds out her palm to me. She lets me decide, this time.

"Please help me understand you," she asks in a voice that is unaccustomedly weak against my skin. Otherwise, her voice is strong enough to warm my skin, like the sun itself.

It would be easy to take her hand. It's tempting because then she would stop crying. But it's impossible to go through everything that would follow.

"I'm sorry, Himari. I don't need any help, you must have understood something wrong."

"Yua, don't lie to me," Himari tries again, but I'm already turning around and leaving the restroom. This evening was supposed to be pleasant. Himari should have fun and not despair. Haruki should participate in a conversation as well as Ayaka and Ichigo, not have to endure my presence. This evening was supposed to be perfect. I ruined it.

You ruined everything.

"You're a mistake," I whisper to myself.

Before arriving at our table, I stop and observe the scene. Laughter, an excited conversation, harmony. And I'm going to destroy it again. Ayaka notices me and waves at me with a grin, "Yuuuuuaaaaaa! Come here and stop being a bourgeois! Come, come, today we celebrate!" How fun-loving. I hope she never loses that quality.