Chapter 1, Yua

"Thank you! You are incredible fans, I am an incredible idol!" Ayaka prances around the stage, waving to the crowd of young men and women in front of us. Everyone is excited by the performance of our idol group. Each person is laughing with joy. My breath is heavy from our movements and the light from the spotlights blinds me. Still, I feel more energy coursing through my body with each breath. The crowd is screaming for more, "Encore! Encore!"

"Aw, if you want to see more of us so badly," Ayaka happily replies. I get back into position with a smile on my face. The exhaustion is secondary, even more I feel the excitement, the joy, that invigorating feeling inside me. This moment is meant to never end.

My name is Yua Hijama, I am 18 years old and I am a senior at Sakurako High School. My life is often described as boring by others, or I myself am perceived as boring by others. Although I am part of a well-known school idol group and have a boyfriend, many people have a boring or even negative image of me. I myself can only judge this badly, after all I only know my life and can therefore only compare it to a lesser extent with others.

My father often works until late in the evening, I only see him at breakfast or on weekends. He keeps telling me to focus on my future and that he expects me to do well in school, those are pretty much always our topics of conversation. If we communicate at all, today we spent our breakfast in silence as we often do. But every day before he leaves, he gives me a kiss on the cheek and wishes me a good day at school.

My mother does not work, she takes care of the household, every day she cleans and makes us food. She leaves my room to me so that I can learn to be independent. Conversations take place with her more often, mostly about my boyfriend or friends, although I don't know if I would call them that already. Mother sometimes surprises me with my favorite muffins when I get home and makes my lunch box every day with a lot of effort.

Just like today, she gives it to me to take with me on the way to school. On my way out the door, I pass the long mirror in the hallway and look at myself in it. I look like I do every day, I take great care to that. My brunette hair is tied in a practical high ponytail, a green headband is my only accessory. Bright green eyes look at me, they are as green as my mother's. Only mine peek out underneath dense bangs. I also have some of Father's sharp facial features, like the shape of my eyes, his pointed chin, and narrow lips.

Haruki is already waiting for me at the door. He insists on going to school and back with me every day. I hate it. I hate seeing him. Still, I smile at him and greet him, "Good morning, Haruki."

"Good morning, Yua. Good to see you."

He is a year younger than me. His face looks much friendlier than mine, with gentle yet masculine features. His violet eyes look at me as uncertainly as ever today.

He reaches out a hand for my school bag and I quickly take a step to the side.

"I can carry my own bag."

Haruki is an incorrigible gentleman. I hate his excessive politeness towards me. His smile disappears, "I was actually going to take your hand. Couples usually hold hands."

My steps quicken, Haruki matches them. Couples should do some things and not do some things. He's not supposed to hold my hand.

"I'm sorry," Haruki mumbles next to me and starts talking about how he spent yesterday. I hate it when he does that. Still, I listen to him and nod occasionally. Haruki is livelier than me, something I agree with others about. Before we became a couple, he was even more lively, but after some time with me, he lost more and more vigor. Because my bleak personality rubs off on him, because I impose all kinds of rules on him. I often heard things like that.

It was also not long after we became a couple that Ayaka invited us to her idol group. It sounded crazy, and it is crazy with the five of us. But it's a nice distraction. And it makes Haruki laugh. Ayaka is the leader of our School Idol group, "Attention Catcher." Since her parents work in the entertainment industry, they finance us. Of course, the fact that we achieve a certain popularity also plays a role. Ayaka is a small, petite girl who is quite confident and loud. What she sees in me is a mystery to me, I am the complete opposite of a cheeky rule breaker like her. She often gets into fights with Himari, our other spirited member. Himari attends a different class, yet she has built something akin to a friendship with me. A lot works with her, she is a friendly person who likes to tell me about her colorful life. The last member is Ichigo, who is in a relationship with Himari. I have never seen him not relaxed. He is a quiet person who radiates something calming. When I'm around him, even I feel reassured. He also appears friendly with me, why I cannot undertstand.

"Have a nice day, Yua. I'll pick you up after classes", Haruki says goodbye to the school before heading to his class. I hate it when we say goodbye. I hate when he promises to pick me up or wait for me. I hate looking at him. I hate any interaction with him.

I like school. I love learning, I love focusing on the subject matter and taking notes. My seat is against the wall in the front row, an ideal place for learning without distractions.

However, I hate it when my classmates break rules. Texting in class, going elsewhere, skipping classes. Rules mean order and order should always be kept.

I am quite indifferent to my classmates, I myself am clearly disliked by them. I hate to hear the whispers of others. Especially about me. About the girl who lives like a robot. Who never laughs or has fun. Except when she's on stage. I love to dance. I love to sing. These activities give me a sense of freedom. They even make me laugh heartily. And whenever I think about it in class, that smile disappears at the next whisper, "How scary to sit behind that cold-hearted lunatic."

On the way home, Haruki tells me about his day at school. Then about music.

"You might as well listen to the new song, I've heard it a thousand times. It's Reiji's best song so far and so incredibly moving."

"You say that with every new song of his."

"I really mean it this time, though," Haruki defiantly returns and begins to continue raving about his favorite idol. Reiji Tanaka is a celebrity, he's idolized by most girls my age. Haruki sees him as his role model and hardly a day goes by that he doesn't rave about his talent. I like it when he talks about his idol so happily, it distracts me.

Don't think you can forget how disgusting you actually are.

"Yua," Haruki's voice loses all its joy, instead it's hesitant and anxious, I don't want to hear what he's going to say next "do you want to maybe come over tomorrow after school? My mom is out and I thought we could spend the evening together."

My heart would skip a beat if I were more human.

Walk faster.

Too selfish even for that, I stop frozen a few steps away from him, not knowing what I should or can do.

"Just you and me," Haruki finishes his proposal, and I can feel him looking down at the ground instead at me. I hate it when he does that. I hate it. Even more, I hate how unspeakably insecure and lost I feel. I want to protect Haruki from myself. He can't do it on his own.

"Are you sure about this? Wouldn't you rather spend your evening some other way?", I successfully keep my voice as monotone as possible. Any emotion would only make this situation worse.

I hear him walk towards me and then stop without even being near me. Because I'm stopping him.

"I can't think of anything more beautiful. I want you with me tomorrow...", his voice trembles slightly, a stark opposite to just 2 minutes ago. It also feels different, less intense, but lingers longer on my skin at this pitch. I love this pleasant tingle that is his voice.

"I want to satisfy you too. You must want to, it's been a while."

My eyes widen in shock. For safety's sake, I take a few more steps away from Haruki. Then I stop, wanting to turn around, but not daring to.

"There's no need for that. You and I will do something else separately or pursue another activity together if you wish."

Please stop, Haruki. Please don't do this to me.

Very briefly, I manage to turn my head to him and immediately regret it. I hate the fear in his gaze. I hate how hurt and lost he looks. I hate how his voice becomes even more anguished, "You know it's better when my mom isn't home," his voice breaks down even more, "I just want to be a good boyfriend to you. I know that...that this..."

He doesn't manage to finish the sentence. And I can't stand looking at him any longer.

My name is Yua Hijama. I am a school idol of the group "Attention Catcher." I have to put a lot of time and energy into this project, but I don't mind. On the contrary, it is the favorite part of my life. To dance and sing gives me the feeling to be free, to live. Many people think that I am a boring person. But this is not true. I am not boring, even though sometimes I wish I was. My life is anything but boring. I have a boyfriend, Haruki. He is a gentleman with an optimistic and open personality. At least, he was before he met me. Because these last two qualities are fading more and more thanks to my existence. I hate our relationship. I hate spending time with him. I hate when we give each other fake smiles. I hate when he acts like everything is normal. Most of all, I hate that I can't let him go. But I have no other options available to me, no better solution that I know of. Or rather, I am not willing to enter into them. Every minute of our sick relationship reminds me of what I'm really like. What I really am. I am not boring. I am a monster and I hate myself for it.

While I do hate myself, my attitude about my life is more versatile. There are aspects that I loathe, that I am indifferent to, and some that I also associate with happiness. Like being an idol. Like in a rehearsal like today.

"1, 2, 3, 4" - jump.

"5, 6, 7,8" - Wide smile

"1, 2,3 - Stop!"

Ayaka stops clapping and fixes Haruki with a serious look.

"You're too fast again, match our speed!"

"Sorry, I got carried away with the music."

"Apologies are worthless," Ayaka says firmly, "change it, and change it now. Keep going! 1, 2, 3, 4!"

It should go on normally now, and it does. I forget, I distract myself. I'm alive. And eternally grateful for it. But after the rehearsal, it doesn't go according to the norm. This aspect of life I hate, this unpredictability. And how a day can be completely ruined when Himari tickles me briefly on the neck for fun while we talk.

Now I'm lying on the couch of Haruki's living room, an unfortunately familiar sight. That I'm here within a blink of an eye doesn't surprise me anymore, it's not the strangest switch I've experienced so far. And it probably won't be the last either. What did I do this time during my loss of control? I don't remember. I don't know. And I don't want to know.

As I stand up, I realize I'm completely naked. Startled, I look around, but can't locate Haruki anywhere.

"Haruki?" I ask in a panic, but get no answer. I have to find him - immediately. I quickly find him outside his room, sitting on the floor. He is holding a warm blanket around his body, even though it is May. Still, I can see the red mark on his neck that I don't remember leaving. His head hangs limply down, his whole body looks uncharacteristically small, especially now that he's shivering helplessly. He doesn't even notice me. How much I hate it. How much I hate everything about situations like this.

"What time is it?", I ask, averting my gaze.

After a few moments, he answers quietly, "Stay the night."

I nod and hastily walk away from him. Away from any evidence. Off to the bathroom. Routine. Taking a bath in the evening. Study afterward. It is wrong. It is unspeakably wrong. At the same time, I don't know what else to do. I feel too trapped.

Did I text my mother that I'm with Haruki? Where is my cell phone anyway? And what time is it? She'll already know I'm with him, after all, such incidents are nothing new to my parents. His mother isn't here, as far as I know. I'll have to ask Haruki later what happened at school.

While I'm running the bath water, I look at my body in the mirror. I don't see anything special in the mirror. Still, many girls envy my slim waist and long legs, even despise me more for it. My mother thinks my body is beautiful, which made me start to loathe it.

My hair now falls open to my shoulders, it is quite disheveled, which is rarely the case. My hairband is safely in my school bag, as far as I have seen when I walked here.

Other than that, my body is untouched. No visible evidence. Not on my neck, not on my small breasts, not on my thighs. Nothing indicates that Haruki has taken initiative. As usual. I hate it.

During the bath, I let the recent events run through my mind. I hate being tickled. Himari couldn't have known, but she'll know now. But how did she find out exactly? What the hell happened? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I hate tickling. The reason is that my father tickled me very often as a punishment when I was a child. So long that I almost fainted and rarely did. The familiar fear rises in me at the thought of it and I feel my heart beat faster. Hopefully, such an incident will not happen again. The water is already cold when I get out of the bathtub. I don't want to get out and thus go back to Haruki, but what else can I do?

With a towel around my body, I go to Haruki's room to see if he's still there. He isn't. He is not in his room either, but at the same time he is present. Physically he is not there, but his ridiculously large Reiji poster, his wall calendar, with a photo of him and a friend is. Almost every day of the month is marked, I wonder what he feels about these marked events? His orange curtains stand out as always, a half-empty snack bowl sits on his desk as always, and as always I almost trip over the basketball lying around somewhere on the floor. But before I can catch my balance myself, I land against a body and feel two hands on my shoulders.

"Go away," those words come out of my mouth. Did I just say that? I don't know.

Immediately the hands pull back as if he's burned himself on me and I hear Haruki take a few steps away from me.

"Didn't you like it?" he asks uncertainly. How I hate that question. How I hate him right now. Do I really hate him?

Yes, you do.

"Go away." Do I want him to go away?

You want him to go away.

I don't.

"Yua," his voice is low, powerless. How I hate it. Haruki isn't lifeless like me, he's bubbling with energy and vigor, "Please. Please look at me."

Don't look at him.

"Go away."

"Who are you?"

This time my body turns around with a jerk and glares angrily at Haruki.

How dare he ask that? How dare he be here? Tell him to get out of here!

"Get out!", it comes out of my mouth aggressively.

Haruki doesn't look surprised. He looks scared. I don't know if I hate it or like it.

You like it.

I hate it. I hate myself for it. Meanwhile, he's wearing sweatpants and a sweater, thankfully, I think on the sidelines.

He doesn't disappear. Instead, he walks closer to me. He doesn't look at me; his eyes, still filled with fear of me, glance back and forth uneasily. I back away a step before he can stand directly in front of me. His hands shake, his hands tremble as he picks up my towel from the floor.

"Here, you must be cold," he mutters, holding the towel out to me. When did I drop it? When I look back up at him, his eyes find mine. I hate his eyes. I hate the way they look at me with restraint and without a fight. They should be filled with joy and happiness, they should shine and cheer me up. I can't let him look at me with those hopeless eyes. I hate that towel, so I throw it out of his hand and storm out of his room, not without slamming the door first.

Go away, go away, go away.

Where to?

Get out, get out, get out.

Where? Arriving in the living room, I search the room with my eyes until I find my schoolbag. Thrown carelessly into a corner, just as I left it before. So are my and Haruki's clothes. I carefully fold his and my clothes and put them in the bathroom before taking my phone out of my bag. I ignore the messages from Himari, instead texting my mother that I'm staying over at Haruki's. After that, I take out one of my notebooks and open it. Math. I love math, it has always been my favorite subject. Nothing gives me more pleasure, so I start to study. Learning means escape. So I study, in the dark living room, completely naked, yet focused.