The Manila Envelope

Ian and Allie had been together a year when she was put on deployment. She had two six-month, back-to-back tours. She and Ian were able to Skype, the Facetime of the early days.

They talked whenever they were able to get the opportunity. It was incredibly hard for her. This was the first time she had a real relationship. The day she left was the first time they said I love you to each other. She wasn't sure she was really in love, but she felt something substantial when she was with him, and now, she learned it was stronger when she was away. She didn't ask him to wait for her while she was gone; it was just an unspoken understanding. Of course, they would stay faithful.

They were in love. Ian was deployed two months before she returned to her base. They kept in touch until one day, he didn't. She waited and waited. She had been back for two weeks and was waiting for his call. She hadn't talked to him for a month. She was concerned, but it's not unheard of that you can't call home. They were lucky they could keep in touch as much as they had. She missed him so much.

She walked into the shop, and Darlene saw her in the hallway. "Corporal!" she called after her. I've been trying to find you."

Allie stopped and turned around. "Good afternoon; what can I do for you?"

"Why don't we go into my office and have a seat."

Allie was confused, but she followed her.

"Have a seat, please."

She sat down. "Darlene, what is this about? You've got me feeling a little nervous."

Darlene looked at her the same way she did when Staff Sergeant Daniels told her about the death of her family."Allie, I know that you and PFC Jeffries are close friends, " she said, pausing.

She dropped her eyes."Yes, Ma'am."

"I need you to look at me, Allie. I need to know you hear me the first time. I don't think I can say this twice." She looked up." Allie, Ian was killed in action two weeks ago. His convoy encountered an IED. It was in a vehicle that he passed while they were walking through town. He was killed instantly. However, he saved a young girl by covering her when the IED detonated. His body was returned to his family last week, and he was interred at Arlington four days ago."

"What? He's already- But why wasn't I told sooner? I would have been there. I..."

She was doing her best to keep a composed look on her face. "I know, dear. His family didn't know about you or your friendship. This came for you yesterday. I don't think they knew your address, so they sent it here."

She picked up a letter-sized manilla envelope and handed it to her. "I'll leave you alone if you want to read it now."

"No, I'm off shift. I'll take it home and read it. Thank you." Her speech became robotic and void of emotion.

As she was walking in, her friend Falcon was walking out. "Caretaker, you, okay?"

She didn't say anything. "Allie," he grabbed her arm. "What's going on?"

"He's dead. That's it. Gone from my life, put into the ground."

"Who?"

"Ian. Ian's dead."

"Holy shit. I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"Like what? Can you turn back time?"

"I can give you a ride home."

"That's how I ended up here in the first place." He moved towards her. "I swear to God, Falcon, you hug me, and I will end your bloodline."

He stepped back, palms up and out. "You'll kick me in the balls, I get it."

She made it to her car before she couldn't wait any longer. She opened the envelope. Inside was a letter and a legal-sized envelope with her name written in Ian's handwriting. She read the first letter.

Allie,

My name is Patty. I am Ian's mother. While going through Ian's things, we found an envelope with your name on it. Ian never told us that he had a special friend. If we had known, we would have made sure you knew about his funeral. We may not have known about you, but it sheds light on why my little boy was the happiest we had ever seen him. I have a feeling he loved you very much. If you are ever visiting Arlington for any reason, Ian is located in Section P, grave number 315. I hope you live along, prosperous life. I know that's what Ian would have wanted.

Sincerely, Patty Jefferies

Her hands were shaking. She was wondering why Ian never told his family about her. Was he ashamed of her? Were her feelings stronger for him than his for her? If she still had a family, she would have been excited to have him meet her mom and brother, and if her dad were there, it would have been okay, too. There were too many thoughts running through her head.

Maybe I should go home before I open his letter.

She drove back to her house in a trance. She barely remembers the drive. It was as if she was on autopilot. Her home felt cold. Not cold as in the temperature but cold as in the feeling of loss. She went directly to the kitchen and took the bottle of Jose Cuervo out of the freezer. She took a glass and the bottle and headed into the living room. She downed two rocks and glasses of tequila. She waited for the alcohol to kick in a little. She sat on the couch, poured another glass, and slowly opened the letter.

Allie,

I saw a TV show once where a couple in the military exchanged letters to read only if one of them died. They called them their death notes. A final way for them to make sure that nothing is left unsaid. So, as most of these things start, if you're reading this, I am dead. I want you to know how much I LOVE you. You showed me how to live life to the fullest. I am happy that you let me take you home that day and that you didn't refuse my advances. Our love grew out of a difficult situation, but the most beautiful flowers start out in the dirt. My most incredible memory is of us making love for the very first time. Me making you feel things that no one ever had. I have no doubt that my last thought will be of you. I regret that I never introduced you to my family. Please don't think I was ashamed to be with you or of you. My family would have loved you. I can't go to heaven (at least that's where I hope I go) if I have a black mark on my conscience. I also don't want you to mourn me without knowing the truth and mourning someone you think was the perfect boyfriend.

The truth is, I wasn't. You had been gone for about seven months, and I was out with my friends. One of which was Henry, who I know you didn't like. I got a little too drunk, and with his urging, I accepted the advances of a woman. She meant nothing to me. It was the worst mistake of my life. I just wanted to know what it was like to be with another woman before I asked you to spend the rest of your life with me. Don't be angry with yourself for trusting me with your heart. This is all on me. Maybe knowing this will make my death a little or a lot less painful for you.

Alexsandra, you are the most beautiful and strongest person I have ever met—the most important person in my life. Please don't let my mistake prevent you from opening yourself up to someone else in the future. I love you so much. Please forgive me one day—if not for me, then for yourself. Remember, you will always hold my V card.

Forever and Always,

Ian

Her eyes were burning hot. The lump in her throat was strangling her. She wanted to cry but was holding it in as best as she could. She didn't want to cry for him. She didn't want to cry over the fact he had been unfaithful to her. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to hate him. She wanted him home. She wanted to be in his arms.

She got up and went to her room. She lay on the bed, curled herself into a fetal position, held the bear Ian had bought her for her birthday, and cried. She wailed. She hadn't been hurt like this since her family was killed. She is unsure if it wasn't for him if she could have made it through. Now, the one causing her the pain is the only one she wants to comfort her. Ironic.

How could he have done this to her, to them? Why did he have to tell her? It wasn't for her. It was for him, so he was free of his guilt and pain. Now, she carried it. She told herself that everyone makes mistakes in life, but to say that he wanted to be with her forever, yet he needed to know how it felt to be with another woman. It tore a hole in her heart. This is why love is a dangerous game she shouldn't have played.

She cried till her head was pounding. She finally fell asleep. As angry as she was, she dreamt about their first night together. It felt so real. When she woke for a brief second, her mind was in a state of denial, and he wasn't gone; he was just in another country thinking of her.

She immediately started weeping again. She wanted to die so she could be with her mom, hug her, and have her mom tell her that it would be okay, just like the day she had to leave and miss her Prom.

She finished off the last of her tequila. She stumbled to the kitchen and went to get a beer. She didn't have any left. She forgot that she was supposed to go to the store today. She didn't want to be alone. She thought about texting Falcon to see if he could come over. Have him stop at the liquor store.

She picked up her phone. She stared at the picture on her screensaver. He smiled back at her. She touched the screen. "You are such an asshole. Why did you have to walk by that car? I wish you never saw whatever TV show that gave you the fucking dumb idea to write that stupid death note. Do you want to know what my death note would have said?

My Dearest Ian,

If you are reading this, then I am dead. I hope that when you think of me, you smile. Know that I love you. I never thought I could love someone, but I just needed to find you. I hope to see you again. I died loving you; death is the only thing that could stop me.

That's all it would be. Just a declaration of my love.

She dropped her phone onto her bed. She put her head in her hands and began to cry again."Why is this happening? Is everyone I love going to die? He promised me that he would never leave me. And I never would have dreamed that he would cheat on me. I guess the song was right. 'Everyone I know goes away in the end.'