Chapter 33: The Funeral

[ Third Person P.O.V ]

It had been a week since the funeral was to happen but still. The lingering ordeal of the choices and things to prepare for the funeral was still hard for Autumn and the rest of her family to swallow. Summer had the time away from Autumn and same for her in order for them to try and process this in there own ways. Whenever Leo would try to slide questions for the funeral in brief moments. Autumn would remain quiet and almost looked like the topic still carried a heavy dose of pain that stung.

Even so, she did hesitantly try to relay the same question's to Summer and there father. Question's like where they'll have the funeral? open or shut casket? inside or outside reception? or any reception and who's to come? All these question's with each one spread apart in time so that it wasn't so overwhelming to take all at once or try to rush the grieving process. Leo was having an especially hard time trying to help Autumn and dealing with seeing her becoming silent about the topic and trying to hold a strong outer appearance.

He understood this, because this was so that she could relay the details to her sister and Dad and try and be a strong backbone for the rest of them who needed to grieve. While she was accepting of having to have a funeral. That didn't mean she was herself when it came to processing the grief for herself. Jay and Liz tried to support them both threw both taking different approaches. Jay, mostly tried to focus on the point of using Alpha Andrews getting what's coming to him as relief. While Liz, she tried to go for the emotional supportive route.

But everything soon came together once the date of the funeral was set, but Leo was still trying to do the work he has as an Alpha and wanting more than anything. He wanted to know what exactly the Alpha King and his fellow Alpha's thought to do for the traitor. It had been a week and all merging of the packs has been at a stand still. While the only action so far taken was having all the packs send their guards and soldiers to take the strong hold of the rogues. As of Alpha Andrews, he was still in his prison cell. He hadn't done anything and he was kept under high security and guard. For now, he hadn't spoken a word and remained compliant awaiting what the other Alpha's would concoct up for him.

[ Leo P.O.V ]

It's the day before the funeral, and I can tell that Autumn seems to be trying to distance herself from thinking about it more and more. It was going to be held in the church in our pack, the same one both her and Summer had their mating ceremonies. I asked her before we were going to try and set up clothes for us to wear

" What are you planning on wearing tomorrow? " she stayed silent for a while before answering quietly " I'm not sure. I was thinking..maybe the white dress with the black over coat. " It had been bugging me that she kept this unhealthy look that made her seemed in a daze. One that looked like she was half asleep or, at least, trying not to think of herself letting it all make her aware. I said trying to have my black suit and tie out " Alright, sounds good. " ' I can't figure out how I'm supposed to talk to her when she's like this. ' ' It's like I'm trying to talk to someone wearing a mask and I don't know what to say that could set off the person behind it. '

We went to sleep and I only knew that I hoped that I could help her tomorrow. Cause, god knows, that this will be a hard day and she'll need me then.

The morning of the funeral, Jay and Liz did an admirable job trying to get Ron and Nick dressed up nicely. They were going to head with us to the church house, and they also got the kids dressed. We were going to bring them with us to attend the funeral since we are all going to be going, and no one will be staying behind to watch them. Autumn got dressed and once we all got dressed and Autumn's Dad had made it here having the approval of the police department to take some leave of absence. Autumn's hair was put up in a tight pony tail and had some strands that hung down on both sides of her face.

Randell seemed especially weary and attentive to Summer, and I guess loosing a mother does make him even more understanding. My Mom ever since the rejection with my Dad she has been off the grid for me. I hadn't herd from her in a couple years and I still try to connect and find her so that I can at least let her meet Autumn and our boys. I've grown to miss her a lot more because all of this only reminds me that she's at least still around and that I should at least make the effort.

We all started to head for the church, and were going to attend an open casket funeral. I had paid to make sure the funeral was sparing no expenses at making it the best I could do. Once we got to the church were going to head inside which this funeral was a private one. Only family and supportive friends were allowed to attend but the whole pack did want to attend as well to give their condolences. But what they did was just staying outside to give support when it's over and we are leaving. We stood outside the church for the longest time before we even too a step inside.

[ Autumn P.O.V ]

I felt surprised once we took a step inside the church. Despite having come near here different times, I hadn't seen the inside of the church before. I don't have a religion that I put my faith in, and maybe it was the fact that I wasn't sure if there was a god. But this church made me feel the strange silence that clung to the atmosphere and the walls like clear tape on something white.

The church had a depiction of the Moon Goddess and a little bit of crosses and different things in the church for the other religions. The walls were all white and the rows of long wooden seats left the carpet that ends with the stairs. The clear glass windows had let the sun light in. The structure had a lot of arches in the design, but the sight of the marble wooden casket was what snapped me out of my trance. I started to see more people in the seats and I realized that soon I'd have to walk down the aisle and view my Mom in that coffin. I felt the calm outer appearance start to crumble at the sight of the opened casket just in the distance.

I was starting to think about how the last time I saw her dead body wasn't one I couldn't get out of my mind, and I started to feel panic filling me. I didn't want to see her like that again. I don't want Summer or Dad to have to ever see that. ' I don't think I can do this! ' I don't want to see who is laying inside that casket. I don't want to see her pale and lifeless body. I started to say trying to walk out of Leo's hold on my waist that he held in his right hand. The family was ready to pay our final respects, but I still wasn't ready for this.

" I don't think I can do this-" I realized once I felt him holding me still from trying to walk away that he looked at me calmly and said trying to calm me down in an almost whisper close to my ear

" Hey, it's going to be alright. I know it's hard, but if you don't go threw with this. You will regret it and feel worse. " I took a moment to think about it and found that I already couldn't run away last time. It would make me feel more guilty but I wondered if that was something I was okay with. Then as he tried to lead me down the aisle to head for the casket in a slow stride I found myself closing my eyes and just trying to breathe in the strange smell this place had. I felt Leo stop and I knew we were in front of the casket. I didn't hear anything but then I herd Summer who said making me open my eyes and look at her standing with Randell to the right of me.

" I thought it was going to be bad and hard to see her like this, but..it's kinda beautiful. "' What? ' I could tell by her voice that she was struggling to cry and once I looked at her she had tears in her eyes as she wore a formal black dress with folded ends on her sleeves, but she also had a small calm smile on her face which left me perplexed. I slowly turned my head to the casket and slowly let my eyes glance at the body real quick.

I had held everything together until I saw the casket at the altar. It was the first time I had seen my Mom's body since I viewed her dead in my arms. As my eyes found the body. Something had changed, but not what I expected. Now she looked more like my Mom. The makeup made her cheeks rosier, her skin more even, more alive. It was almost like I could have sworn I saw her even smile like she did before she slipped away from me. I gave Leo the family picture I had of the four of us and he had gave it to the mortician, and she looked just like she did in it. When she was alive. The slashes and cuts were already treated and sown up with care as she laid in the brilliantly polished marble wooden casket.

When I saw my Mom of 43 years stretched out in the coffin, my eyes welled up. I felt strangely relieved and felt that peaceful look she had made it impossible for me to start to process that I have to let go the idea of not being able to see her again. Not the one I had burned into my mind but the one in the casket that I didn't expect to remind me, that this is really it.

All of my strength evaporated as I felt my body wanting to shut down. The weight that sat on my shoulders-the one of having to be able to take care of Summer and trying to help Dad-it became unbearable. I wept, choking for air. I had my hands on the side of the casket now and I felt myself starting to sink down as I held onto the smooth side of the coffin leaning my head against it. ' I don't want to let go, I didn't get to say good-bye! '

I felt Leo quickly help lift me up and said trying to not be too loud as his arms were pulling me off the casket " Autumn, come here. " I didn't care if I was making a scene and upsetting everyone else and then I felt him turn me to have my back facing the coffin and he held me into a hug. As my face was against him close I started to sniffle and glance at the corners of my eyes. I saw the casket from the side and could see Summer was using tissues and I saw Dad sitting in the front row of the chairs. He wore a nice black tie with a white under shirt and a dark brown over coat that matched his pants. It complimented his brown eyes and made his blonde hair stand out more with the light hitting it from the windows. He looked like he wasn't doing so good and as much as he has come threw for me and Summer. I think he's trying to process the idea of getting used to the fact that she's gone so he can say good-bye, but when Summer was going to be the one with the eulogy. She brought up a lot of great memories and things about Mom. I had helped her write some parts since she didn't know where to start.

It was touching but of all people who reacted the most it was Dad. He had a calm and normal outer appearance before, but now the more he recalled the things we all loved about her. The more he seemed to get angry and then after a bit he started to cry too. The memories of her wasn't going to make it easier for us to get used to saying good-bye, but it did make it easier to try. I was at least thankful that the mangled bloody torn body in contrast to how well put back together she was. It was like she was back to how she was supposed to be and at least Summer and Dad weren't able to see the scene that stained my mind. We could all cry at the gravity of how real all this was and I could feel that even as I sat with Leo. That he kept trying to hold me in a hug and trying to whisper into my ear when I started have a hard time trying to hold back tears

" It's going to be okay, " he tried and him holding me in a sideways hug did help me a little. But once we were going to put the lid of the casket on and going to move it to bury her. We moved to behind the church; which a single grave stone was made out of this black marble stone. It was similar to the kind for counter tops and had been engraved already. We all got a flower to place on the top of the casket from what was in the garden.

As I looked around for mine, I contemplated how the first time Dad and Mom come to this place it's for a funeral. And one of theirs at that. It made me feel sadder about this ceremony. Summer and Randell grabbed red and pink carnations; which represent admiration and remembrance. Liz and the others grabbed roses and orchids. But then as I looked at these Gladioli flowers and picked two long stems of some pink and yellow ones. I found myself muttering to myself as I picked them what I knew they represented in the world of flowers.

" Tall and majestic, gladioli convey strength of character, moral integrity and sincerity. " I hadn't realized I had said that out loud until I had stood up holding the flowers and Leo had started to pick a white gladioli. I think he thought it was actually the best flower to pay respect to a woman who had such strong character and integrity.

We all stood together with family in the front. Everyone was silent as a local priest was officiating the funeral. I had gotten some tissues too and had held one tightly in my right hand after drying my tears. I tried to steady my breathing and I had Summer's hand in my left hand as she stood to my left and Dad on my right. Leo was behind me trying hug me from behind and trying-based on how stern he was acting-to be my rock threw this. As we stood the sun was overhead and shining on the scene.

The sunlight had a softness to it with the hazy faint clouds causing the light to be slightly filtered. The beautiful tones of milk chocolate brown and dark brown undertones made the more polished parts reflect the gentle light. As the casket was starting to be gently lowered I felt both mine and Summer's hands clenched tighter for the same reason.

Once we were told that it was over I only was able to snap out of my gloomy state as we were leaving because I herd one of my babies crying. Jay was doing her best to hold Jace while Liz held Grayson. I quietly walked over to the two of them as Liz was saying to Jay who was rocking Jace who was crying " Maybe, you can try and see if he needs to be burped. " Jay looked like she was a little panicked of what to do because they both were fairly silent for the whole ceremony.

I walked in front of Jay and started to gentle take Jace into my hands. I held him in my right arm as I started to gently stroke the side of his face with my left. My fingers were caressing the side of his cheek trying to hush to him " I'm here, " in a little while he started to calm down and grab at my fingers in his little clenched hand. I glanced up at Grayson who was getting a little fussy from his brother but seemed to be calming down too.

Once I looked back down at my son, I think a part of me felt better once I understood. ' Jace knew I was grieving and he wanted his mother. I want mine too, but I guess that's just the thing about life. ' ' You can miss someone you want, but all you really have to do is be there for the people you want you. Until it's your time, you just got to hold on as tight as you can till you eventually have to let go too and hope that they're ready. '

I held Jace as we all were going to leave heading for the pack house. Summer seemed to be holding up fairly well with Randell at her side trying to check in on her. We had arranged for Dad to stay in one of the many guest rooms to stay to help with having the family together. Leo had taken Grayson from Liz so she could talk and go to Ron. He went over to me and a part of me was feeling better because I think I finally was able to let go. I think it was visible since he held Grayson securely in his arms as he walked next to me and asked softly

" How are you holding up? " I looked at him then back down before trying to smile a little up at him feeling it a little hard to hold for long though " I think.." my voice sounded harsh and quiet because I hadn't used it for much after crying as I said

" I'm going to be okay.." he seemed to smile softly and started to look from me forward " I'm glad, " Once we got home and I was placing the boys into their little pajamas and then their crib. I sighed and sat down in the rocking chair as I closed my eyes trying to not feel so emotionally drained. ' I need a break to try and collect myself and not start to get frustrated and get snippy. '

" W-Wah! " I felt myself release a small groan as I could tell that Jace and now Grayson are hungry. " At least they waited till we got back home, " Leo said smiling weakly at me after seeing my obvious irrigation. I rubbed my forehead feeling his words didn't help much and I didn't want to feed them right this second. But I sat up and started the process of getting them ready to be nursed. My wolf seemed just as out of it as I was and as I started to feed them I herd her let out a whimper that slowly changed to a low groan. We both felt one thing

' I give up. ' ' My boys are almost three months old now, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with everything else going forward. I just want to sleep the rest of this stressful day away. ' But then I felt myself jolt my eyes open as I looked up quickly at feeling a hand caressing my left cheek. I saw Leo standing in front of the chair and he had this soft understanding expression. Then I herd him say like he was pouring honey into my ears

" Once you're done, I'll put the boys to bed. Then go and get some rest and try to get comfortable, I know it has been a long day. " I felt his thumb making gentle circles on my cheek and that once I showed my surprise on my face I felt him lean to peck my lips before removing his hand " Agreed? " I nodded and after a while I managed to leave the boys to Leo. I pecked him on the cheek before I left the room and was thinking as I made my way to our room that thoughts I had pushed away before started to flood back. Not just what had happened, but.. how will things work? ' I'll probably have to take Mom's mother position and duties for our family now. I'm just getting used to being a mother so it shouldn't be too hard to do. '

I got changed into my pajama shirt and pants and as I stood by the bed thinking if I wanted to watch a movie or something to get my mind off of everything. Then I remembered the day I finally came home. I know, normally, would have jumped right into the bed. I wouldn't have wanted to wait another second to sleep beside Leo again. Not only that, sleeping on a floor of a closet also makes the idea of my actual bed far more preferable.

But even with all of this, I looked at the bed and felt anxious. The last time I was in one was not a good experience. The idea that I saw a bed as for something for that to happen again left me standing still and weary. But when Leo noticed I felt embarrassed and worried that he would notice something was wrong. The thing that was different that I could feel when it came to him though, was that he spoke gently to me and acted inviting. So after he was in bed I pushed all those thoughts away and just wanted to snuggle up to him in our comfortable bed.

Even as I'm thinking about crawling into bed and taking a nap. I still feel like I'm getting more and more uneasy. I decided to go to couch and start putting on something to watch as I try and lay down to take a nap. Then I thought of a question that I hadn't thought about before.

' If I'm having a dream and Leo has the mind-link on. Can he hear my thoughts to where he can see or experience my dream too? ' It hadn't crossed my mind until now and it kinda made me curious and a little uneasy since I thought about having a nap; which is not happening now.

I should ask him later though and try to focus on getting better so that I'm one less thing to worry about. I don't want to be another problem for anyone.

" Baby? " I felt myself flung upwards to sit on the couch and turned around quickly feeling started at Leo standing looking at me from behind where my head was resting on the arm rest. He had this confused and slightly worried look on his face that made me feel flustered

" Uh, Leo.." I said quietly feeling my mind at a sudden blank that I was trying to collect my thoughts but then he started to walk and sit down beside me on the couch said noticing something was up.

" Why were you laying down by yourself like that? " I was about to say what do you mean but then he said interrupting before I could hear my own voice

" You looked like..you want to curl up and hide. Your face even looked like you were upset to where. Even right now, I can still see it a little on your face. " I felt him scooting closer to me and felt when he said that I looked away feeling a little ashamed and I didn't like it when I'd see that worried look on his face. But then I felt his hand on my left cheek trying to hold my face gently as I herd him feeling my eyes wanting to trail back to look from his chest back up to his face. I herd him and I felt my wolf whimper when I saw when his golden eyes locked onto mine when mine finally found his for a second. My eyes couldn't look away once I caught his. His words slipped out and my guard was already shattered to pieces once I found his.

" Autumn, what's wrong? " I felt his thump brushing my cheek gently as I tried to say feeling it hard to keep my voice from betraying me with how I felt like crying again.

" I just..I can't stop thinking of how all this could have been avoided. I-I..I just..don't want to feel so much pain anymore. I don't want, " I felt tears slipping out of the corners of my eyes and trickling down making have to break eyes contact and lower my head as I tried to hold myself back. I felt myself freeze when I felt his right hand grip my right hip with his arm against my lower back. Before I could try to react I felt a tiny yelp I muffled as I held it in. I felt this left hand slowly moving to hold the right side of my neck softly as I felt him gently kissing my mark and slowly brushing his face up. Trailing his lips and his nose poking at me a little.

' I'm..I'm so confused! Wh-What is he doing? I don't think I can even move right now, and I think I might be a little scared to. ' My thoughts broke when he leaned the side of his face barely against the left side of mine. I herd him say in a quiet but a little stern voice into my ear

" I'll say this as long as I need to, but to make myself clear. I won't allow my mate to do this to herself. " I felt the brief silence before he spoke again made me only have time to revise what he had said. Then I felt the side of his face move up to where I felt him place his forehead to mine. I could feel his chest getting a little close to mine as he held me from my hip close to him as his words melted to where they sounded sweet and his left hand started brush my skin gently as his eyes looked down at me

" You're not the problem, besides, if there's one thing that I can have the power to do. I can't alter life and death. " " I can't change the past, but with the Goddess as my witness. I know I can make my mate feel good about herself like the night is young. " I felt him smiling slightly and I felt myself start to chuckle which I felt him moving his hand up to my side and pulling me closer to him as I felt him starting to kiss my forehead. But when I started to hear him say starting to lift me closer to me and trying to flop back onto his back holding me above him.

" You liked that did you, well I'm not done yet. " I felt my hands on his chest I tried to say before laying against him " Wait, I just-ahh! " I couldn't stop laughing once I landed on him trying to lift myself up off him. But then I felt him trying to start to smile up at me mischievously and then he started to place kisses all up and down my neck that was right in front of him. He was starting to say in between kisses as he moved up and then down my neck close to my collar bone.

" Am I close? " he breathed before saying " What?! What you doing?!" he started to say getting my mark making me start to grip his shirt tighter as I felt him create a serge of heat from him hitting there.

" Am I close to where I can find my mate's smile? " he couldn't see how much my face was surprised by him saying that as he move further down as he said playfully " I haven't see that gorgeous smile anywhere all day. " He pecked at the crook of my neck and asked almost into me " Nope not there, where could it be? I guess I'll have to keep kissing all over to find it. " I started to blush a little as I felt his right holding the small of my back as his left was holding the side of my neck holding some of my hair back. I felt him getting closer to my chest and I said feeling my face already holding a smile feeling happy that he was trying to help me get threw everything today. I then shouted feeling if he gets any closer I'm going to start to smack him

" Maybe if you get your face out of my chest you'd not be so distracted! " he started to chuckle and nuzzle his face up into my neck as I tried to get him to start to stop this little game of his. Then I herd him say looking up at my face that was looking down at him

" I guess you're right, there it is. I missed it, " then I felt him press his lips against mine. I felt him kissing me kinda possessively. ' Maybe, he wasn't lying. I guess with all of this he doesn't know what he can do that can guarantee me feeling better. I think it's because if there's something he knows he can do. ' ' Is make me be aware that he loves me and wants to remind me that he's here to love and support me. ' I started to press my lips against his feeling myself miss his lips these last couple of days. I could feel his right hand holding me closer as I tried to pull away. When I did he tried to keep peck my lips like he didn't want me to stop.

I said quietly " Thank you, Leo. " " I get that I can't keep blaming myself, and I'm sorry if I'm..a little hard to help when I'm like this. " I felt him kiss me a little longer than the pecks and then he said above my lips " It's no problem, besides you get to be feeling complex mixes of feelings. It's just hard when I so easily want to cuddle with my mate without seeming insensitive. " I felt myself peck his sweet full lips starting to rest my head against his as I started to move my arm.

" Okay, but we have to go to bed soon. " He groaned and then pouted " Do we have to? " I started to try and lift myself up off of him as I said " Hm..yeah. It's been a long day, but.." he seemed to listen closely as I said " Maybe we can kiss a little more before we start heading to bed. " He quickly said starting to kiss my lips with me making it back to a slow paced one.

" I'm in. " He followed me because I think he knew if we were getting a little heated that we wouldn't be able to go to sleep after we'd stop.

That's how we ended this long day, and honestly I didn't feel as bad anymore now that Leo has taken the time to try and convince me to try and move on from the guilt and blame I've been putting on myself. And I managed to go to sleep with Leo spooning me from behind trying to help me hold a small smile for the rest of the night.