Chapter 3 : False Light

"So, yesterday I went with the boss out of town, a bit tired. But it's also fun to go traveling."

Dara listened to senior staff from the marketing division that telling her stories in the middle of lunch. Mrs. Risa is one of Dara's friends at the office. They are involved in a joint project. Dara enjoyed chatting with her. Although more often Dara listens a lot of her stories. Rather than being called chatting, that interaction looks more like a monologue. It's not that Dara doesn't want to respond, but Mrs. Risa dominates the conversation with all her stories.

They don't talk every day. Dara is used to eating at her desk. She often does not have time to eat in the cafeteria and chooses to order food instead. This time she ate with Mrs. Risa because they had a project to talk about.

Even though Dara barely had a chance to talk, she still enjoyed being able to interact with other people. Dara thought, Mrs. Risa seemed relaxed in her activities which also looked busy. She went to several cities more often than Dara. Even though Dara realizes, Mrs. Risa doesn't hold as many projects as she does. However, Mrs. Risa's agenda is still very tight.

Mrs. Risa can still talk casually, telling her various experiences. Meanwhile, Dara sometimes doesn't have time for lunch. She would often delay her lunch by several hours, sometimes until the afternoon. Unlike Mrs. Risa, who doesn't seem to be chasing time. In fact, for Dara, 1 minute is precious. Therefore, she wanted to return to her desk immediately. It's not that Dara doesn't want to hear Mrs. Risa's monologue, but she wants to get back to work soon.

After 2 hours of long talk, the business affairs plus various additional information about Mrs. Risa's life experience were finished. Dara needs to return to her desk immediately. The work is still piling up. Her time was cut by 2 hours, now she needs to finish all her work in 3 hours.

Dara's boss never scolded her, but her boss kept giving her a lot of work. Because when she felt busy distracted her from the pain, she never protested. However, the pace of her activities makes Dara less likely to enjoy her life. When she was in college he was required to move fast, this time she was demanded to be twice as fast.

The time she spent with Mrs. Risa should be a moment for Dara to rest a little and enjoy her life. But she couldn't relax in her spare time. She felt restless when there was still work she needed to complete.

"Dara, next week we will go to Surabaya Monday-Tuesday and also to Bali Friday-Saturday," said her boss's secretary. Her name is Zaskia. The two of them are quite good friends.

Zaskia didn't wait for Dara to answer. She immediately carried the file to their Boss room at a quick pace. Just like Dara, she also works very hard. Dara has started to get used to the rhythm of work like that.

A few minutes later, Zaskia came out of the Boss room and approached Dara again. "You can go with us, right?"

"Do I have a choice not to?" Dara asked teasing her.

Zaskia smiled, but she didn't have much time to linger with Dara. She went straight back to her desk and did her work. Dara likes to chat with Zaskia when she has the chance. This time there was a two-way interaction, not a monologue like when she was talking to Mrs. Risa. But they rarely get that opportunity. They only talked a few times after they finished work. That's only for a moment.

They also hardly ever have lunch together. Zaskia looks busier than Dara. If Dara had occasionally lunch in the canteen, Dara had never seen Zaskia even eating there. They had planned to go to the cafe after work, but it never happened until now. Both are busy.

***

Dara was quite exhausted that day. But she wanted to finish all her work first before going home. She doesn't want to have arrears tomorrow. It was late. Her dream of coming home early, was again just a dream. She couldn't finish her work in 3 hours. In the end she came back late with a lot of people there who were just like her. Almost all of her friends did not come home early. Especially Zaskia, who almost always goes home last compared to others.

"I'm going home, you still have work to do?" said Leoni, one of the friends who often had lunch with Dara.

"Yeah, I came home a bit late," Dara told her trying to smile even though she was tired.

Leoni was the first friend she had in the office. They are in one division. Both are programmers in that office. It's just that Dara's responsibility is much more. She holds several projects. What Dara does is not only being a programmer, she also often works on administrative reports, doing presentations in several city, and also negotiates with clients.

Dara doesn't know much about Leoni. Leoni is cold, but Dara never complains about it. She is happy to have friends. Finally someone invite her to lunch and send her some personal messages, not just an office thing. Dara felt her heart warm at the memory. But she couldn't remember it for too long. Dara needs to finish her work soon.

"Just continue tomorrow Dar, it's getting late, go home!" There was the voice of Ziko, a senior programmer who was getting ready to go home.

"I'll do a little more," Dara said trying to be friendly, even though she was starting to feel overwhelmed with her work.

Dara is not close to Ziko, there is even a slight rivalry between them. Ziko is more senior, but their boss trusts Dara more in many ways. Though Ziko has a good performance too. But because of the competition, Dara had a hard time asking him for help.

Ziko used to study at the same university as Dara, even in the same major. He is 6 years older than Dara. Dara never saw him in college. When she first came to work, Ziko introduced himself a lot. About him who decided to get married while in college and now has 2 children. Ziko told Dara many things. Like Mrs. Risa, the interaction is more like a monologue than a conversation. Sometimes Dara feels that she still can't get along because she is mostly silent when talking to them. Maybe that's true, Dara doesn't have the ability to interrupt because Mrs. Risa and Ziko talk almost without pause.

Now in the office only Dara and Zaskia are left. Her work was finally finished, but Zaskia still seemed to be struggling with her task.

"You still have a lot of work to do?" Dara asked her.

"Always," answered Zaskia, looking tired too.

Dara finally decided to make tea in the small pantry available there. She sat in the waiting room nearby while flexing her muscles. It was almost 10 o'clock at night. Dara's head felt heavy. She was already very tired. She didn't know if she could drive home or not.

"Today's work is done, Dar?" Zaskia asked as she approached her.

"I've finished all my work for today. But tomorrow's work is still untouched. I guess I'll be working overtime again."

"The new project proposal should have a draft by the end of this week, right?"

Dara nodded. Most of her conversations with Zaskia were about work. They do not exchange stories about their families or personal lives. Dara never had time to talk about anything other than work to Zaskia. Zaskia doesn't even know that Dara recently lost her family in an accident.

"Are you done with your work?" asked Dara.

"Not yet. I'll take it home. It's pretty tiring. Let's go home!"

"Okay. Can you take me home? I'm a bit tired of driving."

"Would you like to stay in my apartment? We can talk until morning."

"Unfortunately I can't. My aunt is alone at home," Dara replied, looking regretful.

Dara is very interested in Zaskia's offer. But she didn't want to leave Nemma alone at home. She was happy to be able to chat with Zaskia until morning. Even though she was tired, she could endure it if she had a friend to chat with. But she realized that her work could be messed up if she was too tired.

Finally they came home. Zaskia took Dara to the house. Dara is very grateful. She did not dare to offer Zaskia to stay at her house. She didn't know Nemma would be comfortable with that or not. Dara knows Nemma is not very comfortable with strangers. After all, she didn't know where Zaskia would sleep. Dara has not had time to clean her parents' room or her grandparents' room, which have been abandoned for a long time.

"Thank you very much, see tou you tomorrow."

"You're welcome. Have a good rest."

"Yes you too."

Although she is tired, Dara feels happy to work. She can develop her abilities and also make new friends. She didn't realize that her brain was being used too hard. Sometimes in the morning Dara's brain is still very tired from being used too hard the previous day. She often wakes up in the morning with a heavy head and a weak body. Dara's body seemed to ask for a break, but she never granted it.

***

Dara went to the office by bicycle that morning. Her office is a little further from her former campus. Dara reminisced about her college days which she just left a few months ago. Lots of different. Now she has friends, she interacts with people a lot, and she is also very busy. Her head still felt heavy when she rode the bike that morning, but her body was much fresher.

That day Dara lived her day as usual. At lunch time she took the time to eat with Leoni in the cafeteria. Trisna did not come to work that day. Trisna is a marketing division staff who is a trusted employee of Mrs. Risa.Since Trisna wasn't there, Leoni asked Dara to accompany her to the canteen. Leoni didn't like eating alone there. Even though Dara has a lot of work, she is still happy to be able to spend time with her friends even for a while. She begins to realize that she needs warmth and affection. Especially after her family pass away.

Unlike Zaskia, Leoni is indeed more rigid. Leoni is not like Nemma who is like an iceberg. Although her attitude is also quite cold and a bit arrogant.

"The clothes you're wearing make you look old," Leoni said to Dara suddenly.

"Is that true? Why?" Dara looked at her clothes. She didn't feel offended, it was just that she felt something was wrong with her.

Leoni didn't answer. She turned her attention to her cell phone. It was not the first time, Leoni protested what Dara was wearing. Dara felt uncomfortable, but she seemed to be restrained from speaking and fighting. She didn't know how to convey her discomfort. Perhaps without Dara realizing it, she was afraid of losing Leoni. Fear of losing friends, afraid of feeling alone.

"Are you tired? Why don't you just tell the boss that you're working too much. You are just greedy, you take all the work," Leoni said again without guilt.

The judgment that Dara didn't realize hurt her deeply. Again, this is not the first time. Dara was blamed by Leoni for many things. Some of the things Leoni protested, she couldn't remember anymore, but sometimes the pain still lingered when Leoni did the same thing over and over again. Even when Dara choked on food at that time, Leoni kept blaming her.

"You have a lot of bad habits, one of which is like now, eating in a hurry."

Leoni's words were not entirely wrong. It's just the way she talks and the many criticisms thrown at her, makes Dara hurt. Dara seemed unable to think clearly and did not really understand what was happening to her.

Leoni almost always throws judgments at Dara when they met. Leoni seemed not trying to understand Dara. Dara didn't notice. She didn't notice it at all. Dara only realized she felt uncomfortable. Even though she knew Leoni's attitude was wrong, she still blamed herself. She blamed her shortcomings. She blamed her silence. Although sometimes Dara feels she is not wrong, but when she defends herself, Dara feels even more guilty because she feels herself anti-criticism.

***

Day after day Dara passed with the same busyness. Dara is often sick. She's got stomach ulcers now. She was not too surprised, she noticed her habit of eating irregularly during work.

Dara doesn't know how many times a month she goes to the airport. The first time she got on a plane, she was very happy. She was never travel too far. Her entire family also still lives in the same city. On vacation, they usually go to the nearest beach. The six of them need a large amount of money for a vacation out of town.

Now Dara is sick of seeing the airport. If at first, Dara came 2 hours before departure for fear of being late, now Dara often almost misses her flight. She is more and more busy. Dara won the trust of her boss so that she was given many responsibilities. But her salary did not increase, the overtime pay was not clear. Dara does not pay much attention to her financial problems. She is blinded by busyness that can distract her from loneliness.

Dara's busyness also makes her not aware of the progress that are happening at her house. Nemma was already good at cooking and taking better care of the household. Dara is happy to see her. Although they rarely talk, their relationship is better now.

"When are you going out of town?" asked Nemma as they were having breakfast.

Dara eats voraciously. Nemma's cooking was much better than the caterers they used to buy.

"I don't know, it can be impromptu now. Sometimes we buy D-1 tickets," said Dara, complaining a little.

Nemma still has trouble showing her feelings or affection. But Nemma has prepared everything Dara needs now. Dara only had time to occasionally wash the dishes after breakfast and dinner. Dara didn't mean to delay washing her own clothes. But she was so exhausted. She often piled it up first to work on in her spare time. Nemma saw that, then she did everything for Dara.

Nemma didn't say much. But now she has completely taken over the roles of her mother and grandmother. What's even more surprising is that Nemma is now quite good at managing her family's finances. They eat quite well. Even the remaining money can be used for Nemma's therapy costs.

The only thing that escaped her care was the garden in their back yard. All the plants there eventually die. Nemma had a hard time watering them and she also didn't have the patience to endure the scorching sun during the day caring for them. Plus there are quite a lot of insects and mosquitoes.

Even though Dara and Nemma's relationship is getting better, they still don't talk much to each other from heart to heart. Unbeknownst to Dara, Nemma is still crying in her room. While Dara was fast asleep from exhaustion, Nemma sobbed herself lamenting her fate now.

Nemma was still having a hard time forgetting the accident that had happened to her almost a year ago. She finds it difficult to get rid of the shadows of her parents, her brother, and her sister-in-law who she loves. Nemma didn't have much time to spend in their last moments because of her busy work. There was a lot of regret in her.

Nemma tried to survive. Her only friend is Bella. Bella sometimes visits her at home. Now Bella replaces Nemma's position in the office. It made her a bit busy, so they only had time to communicate via telephone. Dara never knew that the iceberg she had known so far also felt lonely.

***

After returning from out of town this time, Dara felt more tired than usual. She just arrived at the airport at 4 p.m. , She still had to wait for her baggage. She was quite careless when checking in the plane. She forgot to bring her small suitcase to the cabin so it took her quite a while to get her suitcase back.

It feels more comfortable if Dara doesn't bring her suitcase to the cabin. She only carried a backpack containing her laptop. But as a consequence, she had to take the time to wait for her baggage. If she has no more things to do, it's fine for her to wait. But this time, Dara needed to attend a meeting at 5 p.m.

After getting her luggage, Dara immediately ordered a taxi to go to her office. She carried her suitcase to the 8th floor building. She smiled at the security guard who greeted her. But her smile soon faded when she looked at her watch it was already 5.15 p.m. She's late. Unlike when she was in college, Dara now doesn't know the staff in the building where she works very well. She didn't interact with them much. Dara sometimes wants to chat with the staff there a little longer, but she is almost always run out for time.

When she arrived at her desk, Dara put away her suitcase, then she immediately run into the meeting room. Because she was not too focused, Dara went to the wrong place. Because of that she had to go up 1 more floor. She no longer had time to wait for the elevator. Finally she forced herself who was tired of using the stairs.

Dara is 30 minutes late, the meeting has started. Dara tried to catch up, even though her eyes wanted to close. After the meeting was over, Dara's agenda for the day was not over. She still had to attend a celebration dinner for one of her projects. Dara wanted to be absent, but she couldn't do it. She was eager to eat Nemma's home-cooked food and immediately lay down on her favorite bed.

The dinner served was so sumptuous. But Dara has no appetite to eat it. She was so tired. She only ate a few pieces of the fruit she always liked. Leoni was also there, sitting with Trisna and also Mrs. Risa at a different table from Dara. Dara didn't pay much attention to her surroundings, when Leoni approached her.

"Your dressing style is better now. That's it, wear clothes that are a bit contemporary. All this time you were like very old aunties. Moreover, your face doesn't look like someone your age. Even though you are only 21 years old right?" Dara was silent when she heard Leoni babble. It wasn't fatigue that made her unable to fight, but indeed that she basically couldn't fight.

This time Leoni did praise her, even though Dara felt that her clothes were the same. The shoes she was wearing were also the same. She doesn't know what the difference was in Leoni's eyes. But Dara knows that opposing Leoni is the same as seeking death. If Dara argued once, Leoni could speak harsher and louder. Dara remembers that once she and Leoni went to a meeting at a hotel near their office together. Dara, who was tired at that time, seemed to have forgotten the basic character of Leoni.

"I want to eat chicken noodles near the office. I think it's the most delicious chicken noodle," Leoni told her.

"Why do you want to eat chicken noodles there? I prefer to eat Soto Ayam across from our office," Dara said with a low intonation. Even tend to be weak as she remembered. Because she was also quite tired that afternoon. She just wanted to ask Leoni's opinion. As Dara recalled she also only expressed her opinion without confrontation, but Leoni immediately attacked her.

"Why do you ask why? It's up to me where I want to eat. I think it's a fine place," she said sharply.

Dara doesn't remember the rest of Leoni's long babbling. She just thought Leoni's words were unreasonable and hurt her. Dara couldn't even defend herself. Either because she knew she wasn't going to win or she just didn't know how. But in the end, Dara kept her feelings for a long time. Dara felt herself stupid. Actually Dara's fault is not only that. Dara can't leave Leoni who has hurt her many times. Leoni barely appreciated it. But Dara still wants to take her to the mall or accompany her to have lunch together.

Dara is bored and needs entertainment, but she always forgets to put her feelings first. She doesn't know what her defense for herself because she was repeating the same mistakes. She let Leoni hurt her freely. Dara feels weak. She didn't understand what she had to do. Is it true that the reason is because she doesn't know how to make friendship? Or is it because she's so afraid of loneliness that she doesn't like other people leaving her life even though she's been hurt all the time?

That answer was not yes. But the statement, that is being asked for truth, is also not completely wrong. There was fear, but it didn't dominate Dara's feelings. The fact is Dara care about Leoni. Dara just loves her friend. Dara doesn't remember Leoni ever doing good that made an impression on her heart. But Leoni wasn't always bad either. The affection that appeared in Dara's heart could not be understood logically. It's hard for Dara to just remove Leoni from her life, because she care abour her. Even though Leoni didn't respect her feelings at all.

Dara was also not aware of her feelings. Without Dara realizing it, she already considers Leoni like her family. Dara understands Leoni's shortcomings. Dara is too easy to love people, even though not everyone wants to receive love from her. Dara forgets the important thing in her life, that she needs to love herself.

That night, Leoni also seemed completely innocent. Even though Dara showed an unhappy face. Leoni didn't think further why her compliment to Dara that night didn't make Dara happy. She doesn't care. She almost always felt right. Dara who is never protested her behavior made her even more uncontrollable. But Dara was wise enough that night by not pay attention to much to Leoni.

Dara was allowed to go home first, finally. She was too tired. She didn't want to talk to anyone about how she felt. She was too afraid to be blamed. Without Dara realizing, Leoni's bad behavior made her mindset change. She began to speak very carefully because she was afraid of being hurt. What Dara doesn't understand is that not everyone is like Leoni. But the scar on her heart was already engraved. Dara did not have much time to consider what she should do.

Dara came home alone. When she got home she sat herself down in her family's living room, where she used to talk a lot with her grandfather. Even if her grandfather was still around, Dara wouldn't have the courage to tell what Leoni had done to her. Leoni didn't hurt her physically. But her words pierced her heart. What hurt Dara the most was the fact that Leoni didn't try to understand her at all.

Dara didn't want to move anymore, she wanted to close her eyes there. But she was quite aware that it would make her body uncomfortable. She still has to go out of town tomorrow. Not only that, in the morning Dara still had to attend a follow-up meeting that had not been completed this afternoon. Dara didn't complain. She was not aware of what was going on in her life. She still didn't understand. She just carried on with it without much thought.

Some pimples have grown on her face now. Reluctantly, she moved to the only bathroom in their house. Dara didn't want Leoni to have a chance to reproach her again. She passed the kitchen and saw that the food was still on the table. Dara forgot to tell Nemma that she had dinner tonight. Dara feels guilty. She realized that she had missed a lot of things because of her busy schedule. Dara sat herself in the dining room in a semi-conscious state, then ate the food served there. Dara is not hungry, but that doesn't mean her stomach is full.

***

Dara attended the meeting with a slightly pale face the next day. No one paid attention to it. Everyone is busy working on a new project. A staff from another division asked Dara about a project she was working on. Dara tried to answer it while holding back the discomfort in her stomach. After the staff who she didn't know very well left, Dara half ran to the toilet. She threw up.

Dara didn't think she needed to cancel her departure out of town that afternoon. After throwing up the contents of her stomach, Dara's body felt better and more relieved. But Dara didn't think about going to the hospital or just going to the clinic near her office. Just a few meters from the building where she works there is a small clinic, near the chicken noodle shop that Leoni's favorite.

Dara continued to carry out the plan that day. She still left. Her body is not too rebellious asking for rest. She just felt exhausted like usual days. This time she needed to be there for a bit longer than usual, because he had a lot of things to take care of outside the city.

Dara was lucky, she didn't get sick during her duties until she returned to her office. But the next day she caught a cold which bothered her quite a bit. Her throat hurt and made it difficult for her to work. Her head was so dizzy, it was hard to think. Her voice turned hoarse as she spoke.

"Just go home Dar, you're really sick," said Ziko suddenly.

Ziko didn't seem worried about Dara indeed, but Dara was grateful for his concern. Because since morning, everyone was busy working, no one noticed that she was sick.

"Yes, I better go home," said Dara weakly.

Ziko didn't pay attention anymore when Dara started pack her things. Zaskia is the same. She is too busy with her work. She gave Dara a leave of absence for the day without asking much. None of the attention she received as her family used to do. Dara couldn't lie to herself, she did expect someone to take care of her this time. Now she begins to question, is there anyone who loves her in this world? Or was she the one who had hoped too much?

***

Dara was finally able to rest her body a little after arriving home, but not with her mind. Her boss knew she was sick. The boss is quite stiff and not warm. Dara doesn't blame him. Even though her boss gave her a lot of tasks, Dara didn't hate him. Not because she likes her job and considers it a good diversion, but unconsciously Dara sees a father figure in her boss.

Even though he is stiff, his boss tries to treat Dara well. Dara appreciates it. But Dara doesn't realize that she ignores her own pain. Nemma was cold too. Dara was grateful that someone had prepared a meal for her. Even if the food is just placed on the dining table. She had little hope that someone would deliver the food to her room like her mother used to do when she was sick.

Dara forced herself to suppress all her feelings. Dara began to become more skilled at blaming herself. Leoni really helped her hone her ability to do that. Leoni's attitude, which almost always blames Dara for whatever Dara does, validates Dara's feeling that she is indeed guilty. She was the most guilty person for whatever happened to her.

Two days passed, of course Dara was still working from home. She was used to working hard. She felt her body was getting better. Her head no longer felt dizzy. Her throat doesn't hurt either. But actually her body still wants to rest. She still felt weak. Her boss did not directly ask her to work. But he did not stop sending emails containing work to Dara.

Dara was a little rebellious that day. Usually she immediately quickly did whatever was sent by her boss. This time she wanted to rest for a while. Dara came out of her room. Nemma was sunning herself in the backyard alone, calling Bella. During Dara's rest at home, Nemma spends a lot of time communicating with Bella.

Dara is a little curious, why does Bella seem to have a lot of free time to call all day, even though Bella replaces Nemma's position in the office. Nemma was always busy. They often don't even have time to reply to messages in their family groups chat.

Dara was now no longer trying so hard to talk to Nemma. She still didn't know how to start a conversation with her. Dara also doesn't know what topics she can talk about. Dara is grateful that the relationship with Nemma has melted a little. She realized she couldn't demand Nemma for the roles of all her family members who had left.

Dara did not force the situation according to what she wanted and began to accept the condition of her family now. Many things have changed. Including herself. She was starting to feel like she was lost. When she looked at the stars in the sky, she had nothing to think about. She didn't contemplate anything. In the past, her brain creatively thought a lot of things deeply. Thinking about the creation of this world, thinking about her life, thinking about her family, and many other things even though she was quite busy with her duties on campus.

Now Dara's energy is used to complete her work. She began to doubt whether what she was doing now was good for her life or not. But she didn't know what she had to do other than keep working.

***

Dara started back to work after two days of her leave was over. She returned to her busy life. The agenda for a meeting out of town has also been scheduled. She spoke less and less with Zaskia now. She began to rarely talk to anyone. She wanted to do it, but Dara realized she didn't have much time left to finish her work.

Dara eats in a hurry while watching youtube mukbang at her desk alone. Sometimes she laughs to herself. Dara still doesn't like to eat alone. She is grateful for the office wifi, the spacious place, and also the YouTube content creators who entertain her from all over the world. Now eating alone wasn't too much of a problem for her.

When she was in college, her money was limited to buy unlimited quota. The cafeteria on campus doesn't have a private room like her desk now. What's more comforting for Dara, she doesn't feel any different now. In her office, she was not the only one eating alone at her desk. Almost all do the same. Only Leoni still occasionally eats in the office canteen with Trisna.

Now Leoni just passed Dara's table. She no longer greeted and ignored Dara. Dara should be happy because she doesn't have to accept the pain from Leoni's words that often pierce her heart. But Dara felt the opposite. She felt neglected and forgotten. She felt unwanted. Dara still can't forget the affection she has for her friend, even though her affection is completely unrequited. Leoni didn't even care about Dara's feelings at all.

Dara is again given a new task by her boss. This time Dara was a bit evasive and gave an excuse that she still had a lot of work to do. Although with a heavy heart, Dara now raises her voice.

"I'm sorry sir, I can't help with this project. I still have a meeting this afternoon with the marketing division and my programming work is still piling up," said Dara, trying to be as strong as possible. When she let out her voice, Dara wanted to cry a little, hoping that she would be understood. She had just recovered from illness. Even though the boss says "just the flu".

"You can give some of your programming work to Leoni or Ziko. They don't hold much responsibility." Her boss was still trying to push. Dara as usual ran out of words to fight. She had tried to defend her argument for 15 minutes, but all to no avail.

"Okay sir, I'll try to do it." Dara finally gave up.

The sentence I will try to do means that Dara will do her best. Her idealistic made it difficult to let her work perfunctory.

Days passed again, Dara was still trying to survive. Now she not only feels that her work has distracted her from her pain and longing for her family, but her work has now taken Dara away from her own world. Dara still doesn't understand what happened to her. She became more and more sensitive. Her emotions are not easy to control. Dara had never felt so much anger in her entire life. She's a very patient and humble. But this time, Dara tried hard to control her anger. She could feel the anger bubbling up just because a staff did a little mistake.

Not only Dara felt lost, but she also began to worry that she might lose control of herself. She began to experience more frequent digestive disorders, such as ulcers and diarrhea. Her life began to become disorganized. Night time was not easy for Dara to deal with. She began to have trouble sleeping even though she was tired during the day.

Now the Boss not only sends work via email, but also via private message. So Dara was more easily disturbed. At 11 p.m. Dara must receive a message containing work. Her boss said Dara didn't have to do it that time. But for Dara it's still annoying. Because she was thinking of new jobs that kept coming before she even rested.

At the weekend, Dara took Nemma for therapy at the hospital. While waiting, Dara bought some groceries to the nearest supermarket. She had promised to pick up Nemma again after therapy was over. Dara felt her eyes were a bit refreshed after freeing herself from her routine at the office. But her happiness didn't last long. Incoming call from his boss. Dara picked it up with a bit of trepidation.

"Dara, please take note of some of this client's orders," said the boss, slightly out of breath. "I'm at the airport to boarding soon. Please quickly send this message to our client. You already know the details of our project, right?"

"Yes sir yes." Dara became panicked when she heard her boss seemed to panic. Dara still holds the shopping bag in her left hand and the cellphone in her right hand. She borrowed a pen from a nearby cashier, then wrote a message from her boss on her grocery receipt.

After the phone was hung up, Dara still had to immediately contact her client. Dara's weekend had been taken away from her. Dara does her work at the coffee shop next to the supermarket using her smartphone. After she finished, she immediately returned to the hospital. Dara didn't want to make Nemma wait too long. But the streets of the city on Saturday were crowded.

Dara's heart became restless. Her family is used to being on time, including herself. Although now Dara is often late because she is stuck with her work, but her heart is still restless. It was not easy for her to making other people wait.

Dara was late. Nemma had been waiting for 30 minutes. Of course Nemma was displeased and made annoyed faces along the way. Although Dara and Nemma usually didn't talk much, the journey this time was too quiet. Nemma gets angry with her. Dara did not explain much. She was tired of trying to be understood by others. Dara was just trying to accept and focus on the work she still needs to get done.

Arriving at the house, Nemma went straight into the room. Meanwhile, Dara was cleaning up the groceries she had bought and re-checked the email she had sent, then reported it to her boss. Dara briefly checked several incoming emails. She saw her last banking transaction. She became aware, she had never checked the balance in her account.

During this time, Dara sent some of the money to Nemma for living expenses and to pay bills such as electricity, water, and taxes. Dara who directly pays Nemma's hospital bills and also car maintenance costs. Dara is not extravagant, she only goes to the mall once in a while, if Leoni ask her to come. Even then she did not buy anything.

When Dara checked the balance in her account, she was quite surprised. Her hard work so far has not lived up to her expectations. Not much money left. Dara has not really calculated the cost to meet her needs so far. She didn't even really care about it. She was surprised when she saw that the balance in her account at the end of the month was not much different from the amount of pocket money she had when she was in college.

Dara didn't have much savings in college. Her money is not enough even for lunch every day on campus. After she worked part-time at the Software Engineering Laboratory, Dara was able to live a rather luxurious life and buy quite a lot of food. But now, everything is the same.

If Dara stops working this month, she will live on the same allowance as when she was in college. Even so, of course Dara is still grateful, as the advice from her father always echoed in her heart. Not always easy to do, sometimes she also has uncontrollable emotions, but when she succeeds in applying her father's advice, her life becomes much lighter. Stay positive and grateful.

The next day Dara invited Zaskia to eat in the canteen. Zaskia looked a little surprised, but she agreed.

"Why are you suddenly asking me to eat in canteen?"

"I want to ask you something. Kinda personal. Can I?"

"Yes, you can. Why are you suddenly so serious?"

"My family and I have quite a lot of expenses. But not luxurious either. I live with my aunt. But I saw the balance in my account yesterday, it's really sad."

"Oh that, me too," said Zaskia casually beyond Dara's expectation. "The salary here isn't great, is it? Standard, almost minimal."

"So how do you manage your finances? The problem is that the money I have left at the end of the month is really the same as my pocket money when I went to college. Don't imagine my pocket money is big."

"I don't have any money left at the end of the month. I have 3 younger sisters who are still in school. My father is no longer working. My mother lives outside the city," said Zaskia flatly. As if it was not a burden in her life at all.

Dara was confused in response. She watched Zaskia carefully, she didn't look sad or depressed when said that. Her expression was the same as when she used to talk.

Dara thought, she and Zaskia are very hard at work. She could not conclude whether her expenses were large or the salary there was indeed small. Dara then looked for more valid sources of information. She searched the internet for information on the salary she could receive for her skills as a programmer.

Her basic salary is slightly below the average salary, but not too much difference. But Dara forgets that she worked not just as a programmer. In fact, she often overtime with unclear compensation. She was also still asked to work on holidays. Even if there was no coercion, but still the work had to be done in the end. She works on holidays or not, the work must still be completed on time. Actually she had little choice, but to do her job as soon as possible. Anytime and anywhere.

Dara only thought about that fact for half a day. In the afternoon, Dara had forgotten about it. She didn't think much of the money she made there. She still couldn't think much about anything other than her job. Moreover, regarding her finances, there is no trigger that drives her to rebel, because she feels that all her needs are still met.

***

After a few days Leoni ignored her, the two of them were forced to work together on a new project by their Boss. Dara, who was asked to immediately work on other projects, needed additional manpower to do her programming tasks. Dara prefers Leoni over Ziko to help her when she was presented with a choice by her Boss.

Dara felt she will have a hard time managing Ziko. Ziko felt he knew everythings more than Dara. It's not that Dara didn't want to give in. She's still pressed for time. She didn't have much time to deal with the drama that might occur between them.

But the choice turned out to be worse. Leoni didn't make fun of her at work. She also did not look down on Dara. But she was very difficult to work with. Dara was rarely heard when speaking. If Ziko thought he knows everything more than Dara, and he does know a lot, Leoni felt she was right but he did not have a clear argument. Dara not only felt discomfort, but her work was also severely hampered.

Leoni was really stubborn. Dara just realized it now. Let alone the chicken noodles which she clearly likes. Leoni subjectively has the right to give any assessment. The standard of truth is also subjective. She can decide which chicken noodles are delicious as she pleases. It doesn't matter because there are no wrong answers. But at work it's definitely different. She couldn't just give an argument. Although she did not have a clear source of reference, but she felt sure she was right. Even more difficult, she could not be given suggestion.

"Okay, I think you need to find a new method. This method of yours can take more times, debugging takes too long. Not only need more times but also difficult to do," said Dara while trying to be patient as she explained.

Dara actually almost exploded. However, Dara still felt close to Leoni. She still cares about her and even deep down, Dara still considers her as a sister.

"How do you know? Have you ever tried?" asked Leoni in a harsh high tone.

Of course Dara never tried the absurd method that Leoni would use because it clearly didn't make sense. She shook her head weakly. Dara could guess what will happen next.

"Then don't talk, I'll try my method. How can you judge this methods wrong if you've never used them?"

Leoni looked angry. Dara didn't respond anymore. She knew she would not win. Talking to Leoni was just wasting her energy. Whatever Dara said was wrong. Dara has 1000's of arguments that can be thrown at her, but will that change Leoni's stance? The answer is no.

Dara does not need to try to drown herself in the ocean, to know that humans can die if they run out of oxygen. But this kind of basic logic seems difficult for Leoni to accept just because Dara is speaking. It didn't take long to prove that Leoni's methods would sink her.

The project was a mess. But Dara had anticipated it by staying up late on the weekend. She did everything alone. Her face was very pale as she handed over the work to her Boss. Of course the Boss was very satisfied. Even though he didn't know that Dara had been hurt for a long time, both physically and mentally.

Dara just couldn't realize it yet. Her brain is indeed intelligent, but her logic is easier to decipher the codes in her program than to understand the condition she was in. Dara's reasoning seemed not to be used to perform self-defense standards so that she would not be hurt. Dara was lying limp in her bed when the phone rang from her boss that afternoon. Her boss gave the news that the project she was working on had attracted many investors and was a huge success. After the phone was hung up, Dara began to lose consciousness in her bed. She passed out, exhausted without anyone knowing.

***