Chapter 4 : Open Eyes, Broken Heart

Dara's boss is still on an official trip abroad. There is a deputy boss who is now replacing his boss for a while. Dara hopes that the new boss can be better than her boss and maybe Dara can have new hope in the office. But that was only a dream.

Dara's work increased a lot because of the presence of this new Boss. Dara tried to explain to him about Dara's workload. This new boss is much worse than the old boss. He busied himself replying to important messages that came into his cell phone while Dara was talking to him. He didn't even listen to what Dara was talking about.

This new boss doesn't listen to Dara's difficulties at all, but he wants Dara's work to be finished quickly. Dara can't believe now she thinks that she misses her old boss. Even though her old boss gave her a lot of work, at least she still listened to Dara. He did not provide many solutions to the problems Dara was facing and still gave Dara a lot of work, but at least Dara felt appreciated.

Dara has been working in that office for more than a year. Dara began to feel something she had never felt before. She felt bored, burn out, and saturation in her head. But the new facts he got earlier weren't the worst. This replacement boss is now officially become the new boss. Dara's old boss was transferred to another city. Dara can't imagine how her next day will be.

***

One afternoon Dara contemplated what she was feeling more and more real. Her brain is sometimes very difficult to ask to work. She can still think, she feels the ability is not lost, but it is difficult for her to use her brain. Her brain is hard to control. Like one night when Dara was staying up late doing her job. She was really having a hard time.

Dara recognizes that she is not a lazy person. But her brain is really hard to get to work. She had a hard explaining the feeling. It felt like she was forced to eat when het stomach was full. It's not that she can't eat. It wasn't that she didn't like the food either. But indeed she was full and did not want to put anything else in her mouth. That's how Dara felt.

The work in front of her eyes now is very easy to do before. Only a few pieces of code she needed to complete. But it was hard, she was sick like she wanted to throw up. Dara moved alone in her narrow room, trying to relax her muscles. But that doesn't make her brain willing to work.

Dara is not powerless. Her physical condition is not too tired. She could still do some stretching, light exercise, even a little jog in their backyard without feeling tired. But Dara clearly felt a real reluctance to do her job. In the end, though, she forced himself to do it.

The work is finally done. After she painstakingly forced her hands to move. The answers were already in her brain. She can still do it. But she didn't enjoy the process, instead she tended to be tormented by doing it. Her previous analogy became more and more real to her. It's not that she doesn't know how to eat, or it's not that she can't force the food into her mouth, it's just that she's full.

Dara did not vomit. She could still finish her food. But she was getting fuller. Her stomach is full. Dara couldn't think that the simple thing she needed to do was stop eating, until she was able to put the food back in her mouth.

Of course, Dara's performance at work began to decline. If the Boss is difficult to notice when Dara needs additional resources while she is doing her job, it doesn't apply when she checks Dara's work. He very quickly realized that Dara's performance was starting to decline. He didn't scold Dara, but he didn't understand Dara at all.

He asked Dara to get back to work and thought that Dara was just lazy. Dara started to think is it true that she started to be lazy to work and not excited anymore? Is she getting irresponsible? Dara forgets that she shouldn't listen to people who don't even understand how she feels.

The boss only thinks about the results. He didn't even understand Dara's character. But Dara is used to blaming herself, she feels guilty. She felt something was wrong with her. She seemed lost. She began to feel she was losing Her identity. Dara needs to understand that she is getting depressed. She began to be disturbed psychologically.

In the following days, Dara just tried to live it without being able to make much effort to improve her performance at work. She was used to forcing herself, but even her body couldn't support her desire to hurt herself anymore. She really felt burnt out, even doing light work was difficult for her to do. In the end, all she did was keep motionless. Even with a depressed mind because she didn't understand why she had to do it. Dara was only forced to remain silent because she had difficulty moving again.

That afternoon, after receiving a warning from her boss, Dara attended a large meeting with all divisions. Dara could understand what the meeting was about, but she didn't want to listen to it. Her brain simply refuses to be used. She was there but her mind was blank.

When people talk, Dara sings her favorite cartoon theme song in her head. Dara recorded the gist of the meeting carelessly. The notes are completely meaningless. The sentences that she wrote were not structured, she only recorded a few sentences spoken by the meeting panelists.

The joint meeting was attended by all divisions and was conducted throughout the day. During the break, Mrs. Risa approached her, followed by Trisna behind her. This time, Dara happily listened to Mrs. Risa's monologue. There wasn't much she could do and there wasn't a deadline she could chase. Dara thought that she might be of some use if she listened to Mrs. Risa's outpouring of her heart. But again she was wrong.

"Do you know Tony?" Mrs. Risa asked him.

"I don't know."

Dara was never really interested in talking about other people. Dara was born that way. She didn't really care about other people she didn't know. She doesn't even care about the lives of celebrities or other famous people.

Dara is eager to answer that she only knows one person named Toni, her father. Apart from his father, she doesn't care about the other Toni, unless this conversation is aimed at doing something to help this Tony. Although it was clear that Dara understood the direction of Mrs. Risa's conversation, it was not for that.

"He is not a graduate from a well-known university. I don't even remember the name of the campus," continued Mrs. Risa.

The content of the conversation is predictable. Mrs. Risa said in a tone that was not disdainful, but the content of her speech was clearly disparaging. She spoke as if analyzing, but basically she was just looking for justification when comparing people's lives.

"His way of speaking is convoluted and not easy to understand. Maybe what he's talking about is meaningless. In contrast to those of us who are used to analyzing situations and presenting arguments well. We were trained to do everything systematically."

In the past, Mrs. Risa studied at the same place as Dara, as well as Trisna. They did take different majors with Dara. Trisna and Dara entered in the same year. But they never saw each other on campus.

"When I was studying Masters in Japan, I was taught a lot of things like this." Mrs. Risa is still continuing her monologue. "There I got a lot of experience seeing other cultures as well. So our ability to analyze something is getting honed. We work together a lot and see the bigger world right?"

Mrs. Risa continued to talk as if nothing could stop her. Dara knows, it's not difficult for Mrs. Risa to talk for hours though. Moreover, there was Trisna who responded to her words because she had at least had the same experience.

"I am exchange student when I was in high school in Germany. My father is also an ambassador, so I've been moving around the world since I was little. Living abroad has given me a lot of insight into life. Unlike people who never go anywhere."

Actually what they say is true. The experience they had was valuable. But Dara thought why they should compare their achievements with others. They also shared their experiences while traveling abroad which made Dara remain silent. She couldn't relate. Dara finally continued singing her favorite cartoon theme song in her head while thinking about how to escape the conversation.

Dara doesn't care about what Trisna and Mrs. Risa say. They then talk more randomly about what they have bought while traveling around various countries. Dara didn't want to dirty her heart, but she really wasn't interested. Dara still doesn't really understand what the function of her presence in the conversation is. Dara only listens to 2 people who take turns monologue. Both Trisna and Mrs. Risa spoke without responding to each other. They just take turns telling what they've experienced.

"Back to Tony, okay?"Mrs. Risa started again. "He wants to be assigned as team lead soon. That's why he represented his division for presentations. I don't think he deserves to be a leader. Besides, he is not a graduate of a well-known university. He doesn't have master degress yet neither. Isn't there a minimum education requirement to become a team lead? Why not consider someone who is clearly more qualified on paper?"

Dara felt that talking about Mrs. Risa trying a Lamborghini in Brazil was more interesting than having to listen to Mrs. Risa starting to judge Tony's abilities without a clear purpose. Mrs. Risa is not a worker evaluation team. Dara thought, even though Mrs. Risa had criticisms of Tony, why didn't she convey it directly to his boss so that her assessment could also be audited and validated fairly.

The analysis that Mrs. Risa gave can also be tested for truth. Is it true that the analysis is sharp and accurate? Or is it just a baseless opinion? Unfortunately Dara could not participate in the assessment. She paid little attention to the people speaking in the meeting. But whatever it is, Dara was dissapointed with Mrs. Risa that seems to put a stigma on people who don't go to school at her favorite campus.

Dara thought to herself, "If it's true that Tony wasn't good at analyzing or his presentation wasn't good at that time, doesn't that mean she must be better than Tony, right? Tony may have other ability that she doesn't have. Each individual has its own ability. No need to belittle each other."

Dara was unable to say what was on her mind. But she realized she couldn't bear to hear anything more that could demean Tony. Even though Dara doesn't know Tony at all and she's also sure that Tony doesn't know her either. Her ears were hot to hear all the chatter of Mrs. Risa and Trisna.

When the meeting resumed, Dara was eager to hear Tony's presentation. She wanted to validate what Mrs. Risa said. How bad did Tony actually do the presentation. If he is as bad as Mrs. Risa said, why can he get the trust of his boss to be the team lead candidate?

Dara just wants to know and participate in assessing the ability of Tony. Who is really wrong, Mrs. Risa or Tony's boss. But Tony didn't speak anymore. Dara didn't even know whether Tony was still in the meeting room or not, because she didn't recognize Tony's face.

Even though Dara couldn't find Tony, Dara was happy because she had something to do in the rest of the meeting she attended. She didn't just sing theme song cartoon in her own head. Dara paid attention to all the team lead representatives who made the presentation. Although no one introduced theirselves as Tony.

***

A month later, Dara still can't forget what happened at the joint meeting. She seemed to be obsessed with Tony's abilities. She was also still feeling bored. Her feelings still haven't changed much. He still struggles to work. Because of that, she finally started looking for facts about Tony.

Dara knows that there is video documentation of every major meeting held at Dara's office. Dara pretended to want to do a review for the presentation made at the meeting to the officer who did the documentation.

"So, can I get the file?" She asked.

"Of course, I will prepare the file in a moment."

Dara easily got it, because she still had full access granted by her Boss. Although in terms of functionality, her role in the office has begun to be replaced by Ziko.

The long meeting was boring enough for her to look at again. But Dara's determination is strong enough to find out the truth. Finally she found the presentation from Tony. Before Dara could observe it, she clearly saw Mrs. Risa leaving the room when Tony was making a presentation.

Dara repeatedly rewind that part to make sure what she saw was correct. Mrs. Risa is wearing a fiery red dress. It was easy enough for Dara to recognize her when she made a move. Dara was sure that Mrs. Risa had indeed left the meeting room and that she had only returned towards the end of Tony's presentation.

Dara did not understand how Mrs. Risa could evaluate Tony, because even Dara who listened to the entire content of his presentation could not give an assessment of the presentation he gave. Tony explained the technicalities of working on animation. He's an illustrator. That's outside of Dara's area of expertise.

Mrs. Risa also majored in marketing while in college. Dara knew this very well because Mrs. Risa explained in detail about her background in one of her monologues. It would be great if Mrs. Risa could do a short assessment in the last 3 minutes of Tony's presentation about the technical aspects of making animation from the side of a marketing expert.

Indeed, Tony does not have the ability to talk as well as Mrs. Risa. She does have a good ability in making presentations. She was even able to do monologues for long periods of time without a break. But Dara did not see many irregularities in Tony's presentation. The way he speaks is also not bad, he is quite able to master the content of the presentation he brings.

Dara thought, indeed this world is full of competition. There are ratings for all sorts of things. Including there are the best campuses in the world and there are also campuses under it. But that doesn't mean humans have to look down on others, right?

Is it that people who graduate from campus number one must be better than people who graduate from campus number two? The campus may generally be better according to the criteria of the assessment carried out by the institution that assesses it. But is it possible to judge a human being randomly just by looking at where he or she studied? Assessment cannot be done haphazardly. It is also necessary to see what the assessment criteria are? How to rate it? Assessment also needs to be carried out by people who have special qualifications. The person who is thought to understand what he or she values. If not, Dara thinks it's better to be silent.

Even though Dara admits, competition in this world sometimes can't be avoided. However, she regrets that there are people like Mrs. Risa who look down on others just because she comes from a class B campus. Mrs. Risa proudly conducts a baseless evaluation.

Dara hard enough to think about this. She became a little obsessed. She began to ponder many things. There is a lot of competition in this world. The qualifications carried out are not only assessed from the origin of the campus, but also from the quality of the individual. Nobel awardee are also not judged based on their campus origin. It didn't mean that if someone came from the best college, he or she would definitely win. What is seen remains what he produces.

Master graduates can beat doctoral graduates if their work results are better. The campus is indeed good, but how the campus can help someone become better, it still depends on each individual. People given the same educational treatment can produce different results.

More than that, Dara thinks what's the point of comparing people personally? Why should you compare yourself to others? If you really want to compete, compete in a healthy manner by showing your work and being judged fairly. If you do a personal assessment, is the competition valid?

Humans can have opinions. But it should be realized that it is just an opinion, not a fact that is clearly measurable. Dara feels very sad to realize that baseless opinions can be thrown out like that. If heard by the person spoken of, it can hurt their heart.

Dara still feels herself more sensitive. She want to defend Tony. She defended it because she felt Tony was being "oppressed". But Dara doesn't stand up for herself when she's insulted, mistreated by Leoni, or overworked by her Boss. It's really irony for Dara.

Dara began to realize the burnt out snd saturation she felt. Dara knows if she's full, she needs to stop eating for a few hours, then she can eat again. Dara was quite able to predict how long it would take her to stop stuffing her stomach until she could return to eating comfortably. But Dara couldn't understand her current condition. She hasn't worked much in the past month, but the saturation didn't go away. She didn't know how long she needed to rest until she could get back to using her brain again.

***

One day Dara came home quite late. Dara has not taken the car from her office for several days. Even though her performance has decreased, she is still required to be active. She still felt almost the same tiredness she had felt before. Dara now finds it difficult to focus. She often daydreams. She didn't want to drive in those conditions.

Mrs. Risa is happy to take Dara and Trisna home. Dara initially felt happy and thanked her. Dara had also forgotten about Tony's incident a few days ago. But now a new thing appeared that bothered her mind. Trisna and Mrs. Risa are increasingly talking about wealth, expensive bags, luxury cars, nice houses, and many other things. Dara realized that she was not really interested in such a topic of conversation. In the end she just kept quiet and felt isolated as they talked.

"Rey, manager of the financial division, just bought a new house. The price is 20 billion rupiah. He also just changed his car. Now he's using MERCEDES-BENZ into the office. Mine is S-class, his is the same but a newer version."

"Mrs. Risa is planning to change to a car again this year?" Trisna asked.

"More maybe yes, I might want to buy a mini cooper."

"You want to change your car, Dar? Your car is a very old car."

Dara was a little surprised that she was suddenly involved in the conversation. "Hmm.. I haven't thought about buying a car."

"Why? You have to save money to buy a car and also plan to live in your own house. The apartment used to be okay."

"Yeah, I'll consider it later." Actually Dara wanted to respond with the question "why?" But she held herself back.

In the next minute, Mrs. Risa started commenting on the cheap bag that Dara was wearing. Why doesn't Dara buy a branded bag? Why is she wearing ordinary clothes? Why doesn't she wear a luxury watch? Why isn't Dara's phone the same as hers?

Dara doesn't understand why she has to like the same thing that Mrs. Risa likes. She didn't blame Mrs. Risa for liking anything. That's her choice. But why should Dara also want the same thing with her?

Dara knows the prices of the items mentioned by Mrs. Risa are very expensive. She'd heard of it. Dara did not have much money. But that's not the only reason Dara didn't buy the things that Mrs. Risa mentioned. Dara didn't buy all those things because she never even thought about it.

Dara was eager to arrive at her house as soon as possible. She hope they don't comment on Dara's tiny house in front of her face. If they talked about Dara without her knowing, it was none of her business anymore. She didn't want to know and didn't care.

Dara's wish did not come true. Her prediction is correct. When Mrs. Risa saw Dara's simple house, she immediately commented on it. "This is your house?"

"Yes," answered Dara weakly, not eager to respond.

"Are you okay living here? Don't want to move to a bigger house instead?" asked Mrs. Risa looking worried.

Dara could see that Mrs. Risa was sincerely worried about her. Mrs. Risa doesn't look like she's looking down on her. But somehow, Dara still felt uncomfortable hearing it. Dara likes her house.

This time Dara was completely silent for a moment. She wanted to say what was in her heart. She thinks that her house is very unique. The house may not have a high economic value, but the house is still very feasible to live in.

"I like my house," said Dara, holding back all the feelings she was feeling. Dara is still trying to be friendly.

"Okay, I'll give you an apartment and house brochure later. Take a look first. After seeing a mansion, maybe your taste will change."

"Okay ma'am, thank you. Thank you for taking me home too."

Dara took a deep breath. She saw that her house was a little unkempt since her family died. Nemma couldn't tidy things up by herself, nor did Dara have enough time to help. But Dara felt her home was fine. She really liked it.

The wooden walls, which are usually shiny, have become a little dull. Some parts of the house need to be repainted to make it look fresh. But Dara still likes her house. She was sad that someone commented on her house. Even though she is aware, humans are free to have opinions. Then is she also free to choose which opinion she wants to hear? People are free to have opinions, but people have no right to force their personal opinions to be approved by others. Especially if that opinion hurts.

Dara entered the house. Nemma, as expected, had entered her room. Dara then sat herself in the living room as usual. Lying down, staring at the dark ceiling of the house. She didn't turn on the light and chose to stay there in the dark.

Dara doesn't hate money. She realized she also needed money in her life. She also does not denounce people who like money. She is not rich, but Dara likes her life.

***

Day by day the more discomfort Dara felt. There are many things she doesn't like about her current job, including the behavior of the people around her. She doesn't always get scolded. Achievements from being the best graduate from one of the best campuses often get praise. But She didn't really want the compliment, even though she was grateful for people appreciating her.

After she loosened up her own schedule, she was able to think clearly and clearly see the phenomena happening around her. There is a caste culture in that office. Dara was indeed considered not from the lowest caste, but she still didn't like the inequality she saw. Although there is no direct discrimination, but she realized, many unpleasant words came to her ears either about herself or about the people around her. She was starting to get sick of hearing it all.

There is a classification of people based on property ownership. There is also a grouping based on the brand of car owned, luxury bag worn or clothes worn. Everything that is in a person is given a weight of assessment. Even though there are times when Dara gets the high position, she still feels uncomfortable because someone is in lower position.

Dara couldn't keep avoiding her job. She finally forced herself to return to her duties. Little by little she tried to move again. She does not yet understand what she needs and what she should do to overcome the burnt out she feels.

Her boss had promised to give her a lighter job. Dara thanks him for that. But her Boss's standard of lightness was quite different from what Dara thought. The work is light and easy, but a lot. Dara is not required to think much while doing the task, but she still feels that her work is very heavy. Moreover, the quantity is quite large. Dara was asked to tidy up a large number of reports in less than a week. Dara did not know how long it would take the others to do the task.

Dara needs to tidy up the image formats, paragraph formats, edit the text, fix typos, and also copy some of the report results on the presentation slides. There are about 15 reports and 15 presentation slides that need to be created. Dara does not need to write the contents of the report. All data is available. She felt she didn't need to think so hard. But the job was hard for her. She didn't realize that her work might also be hard for other people. She put too much pressure on herself.

She also doesn't need to compare her abilities with others. If she does feel incapable, all she needs to do is understand and admit it. She always wants to live up to the expectations of others. She didn't realize that she couldn't always do it.

Dara has just finished working on one of her reports. She was exhausted. Her brain felt burn. She felt the work was too much for her. She also can't do it as fast as usual. The speed at which she worked steadily slowed down as she shifted from page to page. After finishing one report, there were still 14 more reports that she needed to do in the same way.

The following days Dara was still doing the same thing. Dara does not feel that her work has decreased, the pile of files still looks the same. Dara forced her fingers to keep moving. She didn't think much, she positioned herself as an automatic machine that moved because it was programmed. Dara forgot one important thing why she was not comfortable doing it. She is human. Her feelings and brain refused to work. She really didn't want to do anything. Dara felt her vision blurred and yellowed. She felt her body go limp and her head dizzy. It wasn't long before she finally fell unconscious.

***

For the first time Dara was hospitalized. Several staff from her office including Mrs. Risa, Trisna, Ziko, Zaskia, and Leoni visited Dara at the hospital. Only the boss did not have time to visit. Dara did not expect him to come, she already realized that her boss was very busy.

No one was with het at the first night she was in the hospital. Dara couldn't let Nemma took care of her in the hospital with her broken leg. Leoni finally decided to take care of Dara the next night. Leoni didn't say much. Dara also did not want to expect anything from her. But it turned out to be difficult to do.

Dara was feeling sad. Leoni didn't talk to her at all. Dara thought, maybe Leoni was forced to look after her that night because Mrs. Risa told her to. Leoni busied herself with her cell phone, then fell asleep. The next morning she came home early. Dara didn't stop her.

Dara still has a hard time understanding why Leoni seems to hate her. Dara didn't know if it was just her feelings or if it was true. Dara blamed herself. Dara felt that she did not deserve to be loved. Even though Dara couldn't say the reason why people hate her.

Dara blamed herself and felt she was too demanding. But she really can't lie to her feelings that she needs love. She felt that she did not get the affection of her friends. Dara doesn't know how her friends feel about her, but that's how she feels. There were many questions in her head. Was she wrong to expect affection from her friends? Was she actually too sensitive and prejudiced against her friends? Or did the affection from her friends never exist?

After the next three days she was alone in the hospital, Dara finally forced herself to go home. She didn't like being alone in the hospital. She didn't have much choice. She felt more lonely being in the hospital with Leoni. She recalled how Nemma had been treated. She realized she had left Nemma alone once in a while and didn't talk to her much either. Dara thought, Nemma might also felt the same loneliness. She didn't know, she didn't really understand Nemma.

While Dara was thinking, a message came in her office group chat. A co-worker who didn't get to visit Dara wished Dara a speedy recovery and she also added the words at the end of her sentence, "We love you." No one commented on the message. Dara knows everyone in her office is very busy. It's very rare for anyone to monitor group chats. They are only active when they need space to discuss something.

Dara kept thinking about messages from her friends. "We love you." Do they really love Dara? Why didn't Dara feel it? Dara thanked her friend for what she said. She really appreciates it. But Dara couldn't lie to herself that she didn't feel loved. Maybe it wasn't that they didn't want to love her but that they couldn't either. Most of her friends are busy. Very busy. In reality she was alone now in the hospital. Dara does not want to demand anyone to love her. She was just trying to be honest with herself and admit how she felt.

Dara remembers that there are two types of friends that she currently has. One is a busy friend, and the second is a friend who has plenty of time but is busy telling about themselves.The fact that Dara felt alone even though she already has friends. Dara does not blame if people do not love her. But she wanted people to stop saying they cared about her when they didn't do love her. She doesn't like being given empty hopes. Dara hesitated. She thought, was she the one who shouldn't have had hopes too high on them?

But since that day, there has been another change in Dara's life. Dara started to keep a little distance from her friends, from Leoni, Trisna, and also Mrs. Risa. Dara felt she needs time to understand her feelings, understand their condition, and think about what she needs to do next.

***

Dara contemplated in her room alone. She turned off the lights. She let the light in from the window so that it lit up the room a little. Dara looked at the stars in the clear sky. She looked at her as she sat languidly at her desk. She missed Her family, but this time there were no more tears to fall. Dara like numb.

She remembered many people blaming her. She felt that she had so many shortcomings that she was difficult to accept. She reminisced about the loneliness she felt. Dara began to ask herself, does she not deserve a friend? Dara doesn't know the answer yet. All she knows is that she feels discomfort when she is close to Leoni, Mrs. Risa, or Trisna.

The next morning, Dara had breakfast with Nemma as usual. Nemma was more gloomy that day, but Dara didn't know how to ask how she was. She really didn't have the courage to talk with this iceberg.

"Aren't you going to the office?" asked Nemma.

"I'm still on sick leave," Dara replied, trying to smile.

That day Dara watched Nemma worked. Dara didn't help her, she just sat on the sofa in her family's living room. Nemma seemed more used to walking with a cane. Dara was amazed to see it. She wanted to help, but Dara couldn't bring herself to move anymore, she really wanted to rest. But it didn't last long. There was a knock on the front door of their house, accompanied by a familiar voice calling Dara's name. Zaskia came to her house.

Dara opened the door and greeted her. Even though she was tired, she was glad that Zaskia visited her. Zaskia seems to be getting busier too. Dara didn't want to demand Zaskia to be there when she needed her support when she was sick.

"I'm glad you came, why all of a sudden?" asked Dara very happy.

"I have a lot of work to do, but I feel like I really need to come here." Zaskia looks serious. Making the smile on Dara's face disappear.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Can we talk alone?"

"To my room, come on. But sorry my room is small."

"It is okay. My apartment is also small," said Zaskia casually.

Dara sat on her bed and Zaskia sat on the only chair there while facing Dara. There are no other configuration options for them to speak of. Dara's room was really small. Smaller than Zaskia imagined. But she was wise enough not to say so.

"What happened?" Dara asked again, her face clearly looks curious.

Zaskia gave her cellphone to Dara. Zaskia showed one of the project chat groups in her office. Dara didn't understand at first until she noticed the contents of the chat written there. People talk about her. She clearly saw Trisna and Leoni talking about Dara cynically. Terrible accusations that even Dara can't express. Her tears couldn't fall. But her heart hurts a lot. She couldn't read it anymore. She gave the phone to Zaskia.

"Since when are they talking about me?" Dara asked looking devastated.

"I don't know, I just read it today. I was added to all project groups chat. I'm not sure they realized I was in that group chat too. Actually I also very rarely pay attention to the conversations that are there.

Until this morning, there was a notification from one group that kept coming to my phone. So I finally saw what they were talking about. I was really surprised when I saw that they were talking about you. I immediately got angry."

Zaskia looked teary while talking. Meanwhile Dara was speechless. Her heart was getting numb. She didn't understand what she was feeling. Her hands were shaking. Het body went limp.

Some of their conversations can still be remembered well by Dara. Some say Dara is the gold of the old Boss, but now she's useless. There are also those who say that Dara is stressed and a bit crazy lately. There are also words that are very painful for her to remember. Trisna said, "Don't go near Dara, she is a sick."

Some of them even knew that Dara has no friends on campus. Dara didn't know where they got the news from. Dara didn't think any college friends would remember her. But why when someone remembered her, what they remember was Dara's loneliness. The ostracized Dara, the Dara who was unable to get along with other people.

They noticed Dara's presence. The news even reached her office now. Dara was speechless. She felt that was enough for her to endure. They are not people Dara could understand. After a long time, Dara finally understood that all she needed to do was leave. Everything that happened was beyond her control. Dara realized that the friend she loves did not love her. Not only that, they were also constantly hurting her.

***

After hearing the news from Zaskia, Dara couldn't sleep all night. Her heart ached. She was actually aware she had been in pain for a long time. She had no awareness of leaving soon from that place. Dara may be hopeful that things will change. But she didn't realize when she had tried to hold on, things remained the same. She needed to pay attention to her pain. Dara didn't seem to have the ability to protect herself.

Dara loves her friends. Dara felt being hurt by the person she loves is even more painful. Dara needs to realize that she needs to love herself too. The feeling of affection given to her friends is not wrong, but she couldn't force her affection to be accepted by others.

Dara realized that she couldn't force the people she loved to love her but loving someone doesn't mean she needs to accept all the bad treatment they do to her. Now Dara understands that when she is hurt, she has the right to go and choose not to be hurt. The earth is wide.

After Dara took her off again for a few days, she finally decided to go back to work. That morning Dara arrived at her office feeling very uncomfortable. She couldn't stand the people who talked about her behind her back. Zaskia greeted her when Dara entered the room. "Are you here? Are you feeling better?"

Dara nodded with a smile. "I want to try starting work again."

"Are you wearing new clothes?" asked Zaskia.

"Yeah, this dress doesn't look bright. It's a bit tattered and the material isn't premium either, I know. But I like this dress."

Dara just quickly explained her condition. There was a worry that was hard to control in het. She was afraid of her clothes being criticized. She didn't like being judged. So she started to get used to explaining everything she felt before anyone had time to comment on her.

"Okay, I also like your clothes," said Zaskia, looking a little surprised by Dara's weird attitude.

Dara became embarrassed. "Okay, then I'll work first. You also have a lot of work right? I don't want to bother you for long." Dara tried to lighten the mood, but her words made Zaskia even more surprised.

Dara was not aware of her psychological changes. She often gets unpleasant treatment. She was often blamed and judged unilaterally. Though not everyone judged her in a way she didn't like.

The fact that many people are talking about her behind her back also makes her wanted to explain who she is to others. She didn't like other people portraying her as a bad person. She felt bad. She subconsciously thought about the words of her friends who even most of them did not know Dara closely.

Dara did interact quite a lot with Leoni and Trisna. But they also fid not really understand Dara. As for the rest of her friends, Dara didn't even remember having a chat with them. Dara never worked with them. But they acted as if they knew her.

Dara didn't like being accused. She had time to think, was she really what they said? Dara's mind refused to say yes. But Dara was worried. Dara seemed to have lost the ability to recognize herself because of those bad words. She asked herself, did she refuse to admit the bad accusations because she was defending herself?

Dara didn't think she's wrong, but the more Dara thought like that, the more she feels that she was anti-critic, and didn't want to admit the guilt she was accused of. She didn't realize that not everything they said was true.

Dara felt her head so dizzy. She hasn't even started work yet. But her brain had been working too hard. Dara saw that Zaskia had gone to a meeting. In the room there was only Ziko and herself. Dara then saw her boss enter the room in a hurry. Dara's heart trembled. Without Dara knowing the cause, she really didn't want to see her Boss. Dara didn't want to talk to him. Anger, sad, annoyed, disappointed, and also helpless mixed into one.

Dara slightly hid behind the bulkhead of her desk. After the Boss is out of sight. Dara immediately packed her things. Then she prepared to go home. She had just arrived. But Dara couldn't help herself. She didn't want to be there.

"Where are you going Dar?" Ziko asked. His face looked a little worried watching Dara. "You look pale."

"Oh yeah. I'm not too well. I just want to go home."

"Drive?"

"No, I'll just take a taxi."

"Want me to take you home?"

"It's okay," Dara answered quickly and in a slightly louder voice. "I'm fine."

Ziko looked surprised to hear Dara's answer. But he didn't care much for it. Ziko doesn't really like Dara. But Dara realized, Ziko's attitude towards her was very good. But Dara's mind seems to have a different process when she thought now. She was afraid that Ziko would hurt her too. She was afraid that Ziko would comment on her small house. She didn't like being treated like that. She didn't like to be criticized. She was just too scared.

***

Dara didn't think much when she got home. Nemma looked surprised to see Dara had returned even though she had not been gone for long. Dara can no longer work. Saturation, discomfort from various directions she felt. She was tired, she wanted to quit. Dara recalled when she first worked, she felt happy. She likes her job. But her work was too much, she wasn't even used to resting yet. Even when she wasn't working, when she was quiet, she couldn't rest. She just didn't move, but her mind didn't feel at ease.

She used to distract herself with work, but now her work was pressing her even deeper. She had a hard time feeling anything other than the saturation, the tightness, and the pressure she felt. Dara realized that she was basically an idealist. She wanted to complete all the work given to her. Dara forgot she had limits. Not everything she can do. Within 24 hours of humans breathing every day, humans need time to sleep, time to eat, time to rest their head. Dara was not aware that her life pattern has become chaotic.

The pressure from outside made her press herself even more. Dara thought, she didn't like to pressure others, but why did she let other people suppress her, and even she also suppressed herself. Dara dared to make a decision. Even though she's worried. She opened her laptop and wrote her resignation letter.

***

After Dara submitted her resignation letter, her boss didn't let her go just like that. The boss wanted to talk to Dara. Dara was very reluctant to meet him. The boss was never rude, but Dara felt unable to meet him. She couldn't go back there even just to pack.

Her boss offers to increase her salary 2 times as long as Dara doesn't leave her job. Her boss concluded that Dara was too quick to make decisions and was in a hurry. He gave Dara time to think, but Dara refused. Dara does need money. The money from her hard work so far was also not much left. Especially after she was often sick. She also did not have time to think about her financial plans because she was too busy. But it's not about money.

His boss kept trying to contact Dara. One afternoon when her boss called, Dara was forced to pick up. Dara was not too focused on listening to what her boss said. Dara only answered as needed. Of the many words that the Boss has said, there was one thing that Dara remembered. Words that pierced her heart.

"Did you quit because you were sick? Stomach ache right? I also often have stomach ulcers.There are also many people who are sick but still able to move. You try to rest first. Don't lose to your disease. Keep on living life."

Dara thought, maybe her boss really wanted to encourage her. Dara also did not understand why those words stabbed into her heart. That's right, there are many people out there who work hard even when they are sick. Dara was tempted to do it. She had also been blaming himself a lot and kept pressing herself to work harder. But Dara realized she was wrong. She didn't want to torture herself.

But more than that, it's not just a word of money. It's not just about her disease either. Dara felt pressured to work there. She couldn't do it anymore. Her boss provided a solution to give her a short break and double her salary. But that's not what Dara needed. She was sleepy, but her Boss instead offered her food. Even though Dara realized that she didn't dislike the food, she didn't need it. Dara needed sleep, not need to eat.

Will after Dara rest the Boss will change? Will he become more understanding of Dara after she is given double the salary? Will he reduce Dara's workload? Her boss didn't even realize his mistake and blamed Dara's illness.

During the two years Dara worked hard, she didn't feel like there was anyone who understood her there. She didn't demand that her boss change. But now Dara has learned to make decisions. When people hurt her and that person didn't realize their mistake, didn't try to improve themselves and even blames Dara for what happened, Dara needs to protect herself. She can't change other people, but Dara can go to save herself.

Dara was not avoiding the problem. She just couldn't do anything anymore. It's not just about her ego. Dara's ego has been suppressed and restrained for a long time, it's about her who didn't want to be hurt anymore. Dara has been trying too hard to understand them all. She couldn't take it anymore while she made herself hurt.

Dara thought in the middle of her burn out. She tried to analyze what she was feeling. She realized that all this time she had too much work to do. She could do her work, but it was too much and made his head feel tired. Although at first she felt happy doing it all, in the end the condition began to change. She no longer felt comfortable while doing her job. She felt her life was out of balance. She felt that she didn't fit into the culture at work.

Now Dara has stepped to leave. She didn't look back anymore. Fatigue, the fear of being hurt, the feeling of boredom, were still clearly felt in her heart when she stepped foot for the last time in her office. The pain was still there even when she had let go of everything.

Several friends said goodbye to Dara. Dara politely refused when they wanted to prepare a farewell party for her. Her boss still didn't seem to agree she left, but in the end he can accept Dara's decision. About Leoni, Dara did not see her anymore. Dara did not say goodbye to her personally. Dara only said farewell in a group chat containing all of her office employees. But not long after Dara left, she got news that Leoni did the same thing. After that, she didn't hear anything about her.

***