Chapter 20: Red Perspective

"Have you been playing the piano, Kousei?", Emi asked during their lunch break at their usual spot on the roof deck.

"No..", he replied coldly as he unpacked his egg sandwiches. He was eating that again. 

Without warning, Emi hit Kousei with the tennis racket she was carrying around.

"You have time to see me and yet, you don't practice?! You slacker..", Emi sneered with a lot of disappointment.

Kousei rubbed his nape to probably ease the after effects of her hit. And then, he snickered. "Of course I've been practicing, Emi. I was just kidding. After all, I'm pretty sure you're well prepared", he said while he looked at her with a smile. 

'I hate it when he does that..', thought Emi as she blushed and looked away. 

"Don't wanna get my butt kicked by my girlfriend in front of everyone..", Kousei added before he awkwardly chuckled.

"I'm not your girlfriend..", uttered Emi with a straight face. But it was just an act. She had secretly trained herself to suppress blushing because she really did love it when he tried to be possessive of her.

"You will be.."

"Wow. Where is this confidence coming from?"

Kousei suddenly put his arm around Emi and kissed her on the forehead. She instantly felt all of her blood rising towards her face. All her pretentious stoic coldness was for naught when she turned as red as her blazer. He just laughed at her reaction as usual. "That was payback for hitting me with a racket!", he said.

"Yeah? Well it didn't hurt a bit.. lousy counter attack..", actually, it did. It stung deep within Emi's chest.

He was ecstatically happy. It really did bring a faint smirk to Emi's face, and she knew he always loved it when she smiled for him. Because she rarely gave it to him.

'Something happened during the winter break for him to be like this..', pondered Emi as she kept her gaze on the person she cherished most. 'He's smiling the whole time.. but I know very well that these smiles were not for me.. and that's why it hurt.' 

However, it still made Emi somewhat feel happily fulfilled because the Kousei she knew from way before was back.

"I've got something for you..", Kousei stated while he took something out of his bag. It was a metallic canister, the one that prolongs the hotness or coldness of particular drinks.

"What is it?", asked Emi.

"Tea.."

'I hate him. Everytime single time I try to push him away, he does something like this..'

Emi always loved tea. She would drink it any time of the day. 'Black, yellow, ginger, English breakfast, Korean ginseng, you name it, but I'd prefer chamomile at night..' 

And he really went out of his way to make some for her. 

"Thank you. Where'd you get this?", inquired Emi as she poured some into two small cups.

"Starbucks..", replied Kousei, which made Emi imagine that she fell backwards. 

'It's ordinary green. What was I thinking? Of course he didn't know how to make tea..', thought Emi as she just let a drop of sweat roll on her head. She smiled awkwardly as she did appreciate the gesture though.

"Are you two done making out yet?", a voice suddenly came from the doorway leading to the rooftop. It was Taka.

"Yeah, guys.. I'm hungry already..", said Ganryu, who was following Taka. He was always whining about something, but Emi actually found it adorable.

"Oi Kousei! You didn't even wait for us, man.. You tryin to get more time with Emi-chan ahead of us?", Taka added with a jokingly angry face. 

Kousei flushed immediately, causing everyone present to laugh at him.

It was a good start for the year. Being with good friends, laughing together and sharing lunch at the school's rooftop, was priceless. It was the beginning of the last term before the four went to college. 

'This moment is going to be one of the last ones we'll ever have together..', thought Emi as she giggled with her friends.

And then, Emi looked at Kousei as he laughed. She smiled again but this time, genuinely. 'I'm pretty sure that we'll be off to our separate ways after high school.. but seeing him like this.. it's something to cherish..'

She remembered those days when she almost lost him. During that time, she felt like she was repeatedly betrayed. Every single competition that they participated in was a lie. 'That five year old kid who brought sunshine into my life wasn't the same person who beat me every single time..

'That boy who pushed me to become a pianist never really showed up. He was like a machine that played the piece perfectly and without emotion.. his mother's puppet. That was not the real Arima Kousei..'

Emi's favorite color had always been red to represent destruction. It was for the very purpose of destroying the robot that encased the real Kousei. She did her very best to make him snap out of it. And then after many years, and just when she least expected it, he disappeared.

Once known as one of the great musical prodigies of her generation, Emi lost all motivation to compete after the mysterious absence of Kousei from the stage about six years prior. She started to underperform. 

"The dress that I wore didn't suit me well.. I didn't like what I ate before the event..", these were the sort of excuses Emi would make up for her losses during competitions. And the list went on. "My makeup somehow didn't feel right." 

'I always had these sorts of excuses to further screw up my mood..', pondered Emi. 'It was always "didn't"..' 

Until out of nowhere in the final year of middle school, Kousei came back to the stage.

'Kousei actually sucked at the start..', pondered Emi with a giggle to herself. 'Well.. it had been two years since he stopped.. but something definitely changed.' 

She tried her best to watch his every single performance since then. Something was gradually breaking through that metallic case of his. The human inside him was starting to show up. With that, in every competition that they were both in, she worked hard to help destroy that shell of his.

It was the Eastern Japan competition, their last performance as middle schoolers, that finally got him back to his senses. It was Emi's best performance to that date. She really wanted to reach him and destroy that "human metronome" image of his. She definitely wanted to be the one to reach inside that machine to pull him out.

And that was the first time Kousei won a competition as the real Arima Kousei. It was the second time in Emi's life that she just let her tears roll down without even trying to wipe them off. The first time was when he disappeared; and the next, it was when he finally broke out of that illusion.

That boy who played like there were sunflowers everywhere, under the light of the summer sun, was back. 

'Was I able to reach him? Did I get to destroy that machine? Was this my doing?', Emi asked herself.

The answer was no. Someone else got there first. She took his hand and pulled him out of the abyss; and it was the very reason he was back in the first place.

'I guess Takeshi, Nagi, Ganryu, Taka, and I owe her that much for bringing Kousei back..' 

Since that day, Kousei has always played in his best form. He hit every key with all of his heart. He made sure that he reached everyone every time he stepped on the stage. And with that, his friends and rivals alike all continued to catch up to him. They continued to go with him on his journey. They continued to grow together as musicians.

'Miyazono Kaori.. how did you do it? Please show me..'

However, Kousei's music gave the impression of a withering cherry blossom tree in the snow. Amidst all those smiles with his friends, his music told a different story. The devastating loss of Miyazono Kaori hit him the hardest. He just lost the very person who brought color back into his life.

'Yes, the boy I saw on stage when we were five is definitely there.. and he almost always reaches everyone whenever he plays.. but every time he touches those keys.. my heart keeps breaking with every note..'

Sawabe Tsubaki did a pretty good job as Kousei's girlfriend to make him move on. They dated for a year and every single day, he seemed to improve. 'She tried to meet him at least once in a week.. but it was when he was alone that worried us all..'

Pretty soon the realities of being in a long distance relationship caught up with the couple. And so, they eventually broke up no matter how hard the two of them tried.

Emi couldn't stand him being alone for a moment, so she tried her best to be with him all the time. She sought him out during breaks. She practiced with him after school. And since they stayed in dorms, she also brought him dinner. 

'Of course sleeping together was out of the question..', thought Emi with a deviously faint smile. 'But yeah.. there were a few unspoken cases.'

This was when their schoolmates started to suspect Emi and Kousei to be dating. But they were not. They really just went with the flow. 'Was I able to make him smile like Kaori-chan did? I guess up to a certain extent since everyone noticed the change in him..' 

However, his music remained the same. He still longed for someone like her.

'Turns out no one else can be like her. He's smiling like this now because she's alive. That is why I know these smiles aren't for me..'

That was why Emi chose to play Ludwig van Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 26 in E-flat Major, Op. 81a in the Western Japan competition. It was also known as "Les Adieux", or "the Farewells". It was one of the composer's most challenging sonatas since the three movements constantly and drastically change in tempo. The reason for that was it required expression of mature emotion, which was something she completely understood.

It was Emi's way of formally saying goodbye to whatever relationship she had with Kousei. 'No matter how I looked at it.. he never belonged to me. It was time to let go..'

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It had been a while since Emi felt perfectly in her comfort zone. Her red tube dress fit her like a glove. She did have it specifically made like the one Seto Hiroko wore in one of her concertos. 

The Japanese green tea she had earlier had enough bitterness to make her blood flow smoothly through her veins, so she felt lighter. Her fingers felt light too. 

The weather outside was cold, but it was calm. It was serene enough for her to bring a storm in her performance.

'But I'm not a child anymore. These are all made up excuses..', pondered Emi as she adjusted the piano bench on stage. 'He's watching.. and that should be the only reason..' 

Of course, Kousei had been watching for the past three years. And Emi always played to make him care. Two Western Japan runner up finishes and two Inter High School National Championships were all for him. 'Did he really care? He probably did up to a certain extent. However, I have a different purpose in this performance..'

Emi began playing the first movement. The score was marked at "adagio", so she had to start slowly. This was her opportunity to put all of her emotions in every key to set the tone. The sound was beautiful and rich. This was what she was hoping for. But that was just a short introduction.

The red-clad piano prodigy blasted some turbulence into her playing as soon as the score marked "allegro". It was a good representation of how she felt at the time. She was, of course, reluctant to leave behind whatever Kousei and her had. 

He was always sweet and kind. Every single time she did something for him was complemented by his own actions as well. He rarely made her smile, but when he did, it was always genuine. He definitely cared a lot for her.

The confusion in her mind was very evident in the first movement of her performance. However, it also gave the masterful power it needed to play the turbulent nature of it. It was like arguing with herself. The piano was also contradicting itself.

Beyond the sounds of the grand piano was complete silence. That was good because everyone's eyes were on the performer. Emi wanted them to know, especially Arima Kousei, that this was hard for her. She thought hard for this decision she was about to make.

Reflecting on all the things they had shared together was also imbued in every key of the second subject of this movement. It was perfect timing since it focused on giving an impression of reflections with its lyrical nature. Repetitive notes, some short and some long, indicated that Emi was close to getting to her conclusion.

Beethoven called this first movement "Das Lebewohl", or "the Farewell". She was saying goodbye in this performance to the boy who she has cherished ever since they were five.

'Farewell, Arima Kousei.. This really is for the best..'

The second movement of the piece started at a slower pace since the score was marked at "andante espressivo". Emi was at a "walking pace". One of the purposes was to rest from the brightly played first movement. But for her, it was an expression of how she really felt during the times they were together. Much of this movement was played with "rubato". It was rhythmically repeated consecutively and sectionally to give emphasis to what she felt.

Emi always had this feeling of uncomfortable solitude whenever she was with Kousei. It was like he never was there at all. He would always look her in the eye when they talked, but his soul never peered into hers. He would always kiss her, but his eyes would close as if he imagined she was someone else. He would always look far, searching for something, but she was always there beside him.

'"Abwesenheit" is the name of the second movement.. It simply means "the absence". Kousei always seemed absent.. even if he's there. He does not see me.. even if he cares..'

But just recently, Emi was beginning to see the real him. Arima Kousei seemed to have returned. His smiles were brighter. His eyes were sparkling. His movements were lighter. Although those were the things he could show time and again, his playing was also happier. And his music never lied.

Emi pondered on these thoughts of the recent turn of events in their lives as a so-called "couple" the moment the score was marked at "Vivacissimamente". 'Ugh.. I really hate labels..' 

It was getting faster and more joyful. She was proceeding towards the finale of the piece. She was nearing the end of her performance. 'Did I reach everyone? Or more importantly.. did I reach him?'

Emi pushed herself faster than she already was. This was Beethoven's piece, but she wanted to make it her own. This last movement was played at the liveliest measurement to give off a joyful impression. It was also known as "Das Wiedersehen", or "the return", fitting for Kousei's comeback. She did play it lively, but in another way. It had been a long time since she felt this way.

'I reject this Arima Kousei.. but not because I want to crush what he's become.. I reject him because his happiness belongs to someone else..'

Transltion Notes:

Andante Espressivo - walking pace tempo with great expression.

Vivacissimamente - a directive to perform the indicated passage of a composition in a lively or brisk manner, more intense than Vivace.

Rubato - the temporary disregarding of strict tempo to allow an expressive quickening or slackening, usually without altering the overall pace.

Featured Music:

Piano Sonata No. 26 in E-flat Major, Op. 81a - also known as "the Farewells" was written by Ludwig van Beethoven during the years 1809 and 1810, for his patron, Archduke Rudolph when the French attacked Vienna. An average performance of the piece lasts about 17 minutes. The sonata is one of Beethoven's most challenging sonatas because of the mature emotions which must be conveyed throughout. It is also the bridge between his middle period and his later period and is considered the third great sonata of the middle period.