Never be the same

I can still remember how it all started. I was looking for a job at the age of 15 and I know I was a minor back then. But all I know is that I need to find a job quickly because I want to be able to help my family. I drop off of high school for several reasons and I need to focus more on my well-being. I pleaded to my dad to just let me be and I’ll be fine on my own. And not just my dad but also my two elder brothers who are so protective of me. After weeks of asking them, they let me find a job.

I know this is not the time to reminisce about how I got this job. But because of how he reacted earlier, I can’t help but think about the memories we shared. At first, the relationship we have is truly professional. Just a waitress and a boss, that’s it. But days, weeks, months go by and I got to know him better. Most of the time he is fun to be with. I have respect for him and he helped a lot adjusting to the environment inside the bar. When I made a mistake, he will talk to me in his office and calmly explained to me to do my best next time. I never got yelled at or reprimanded in front of our customers. He is always calm when it comes to talking to me and I got this feeling that he is biased towards me. I hope my co-workers don't think that I'm my boss's favorite employee.

His office is spacious and has a manly touch to it. When you enter, there’s a leather couch that is used for receiving big clients that reserve the whole bar. And around a glass table with a sophisticated design to it. I don’t know much about furniture but looking at every piece inside my boss’s office, I know that every little thing here is expensive.

We have a lot of VIP customers that sometimes go to the bar to celebrate birthdays or bachelor parties and stuff. Chris’s bar is spacious enough that can host different events and functions involving liquor and alcohol. But not only that, there’s a big venue that can be used for a reception for a wedding. It is a unique business of him, that’s why he is the boss. I don’t know how he came up with an idea like that because I never asked.

The silence is deafening and it's getting awkward that no one dares to talk. I am not that talkative. But when it comes to him, I can tell him almost anything. How did it come to this point that I have to know the real him when he fought that guy? Will I be able to work with him after this? I think I am going to lose my mind.

I heave a sigh and gather my courage to speak because I can’t take it anymore. And I’m glad that I don’t hear that ‘voice’ as of this moment.

“Are you Chris? Or his twin? I don’t know what is happening but who exactly are you? Maybe my gay friend was kidnap and I didn’t know. I am wondering where is he right now.” I keep on rambling random things because I’m nervous as hell. What should I do? I am fidgeting from the tension that surrounds us right now. My legs won’t listen to me, my hands are becoming sweaty and we are in an air-conditioned environment. But sweats are starting to form on my forehead.

“It’s me Jedi. I am Chris, your best friend. I don’t have any twin.” When he started talking, his voice is so manly that I can’t look him in his eyes. His ‘gay aura’ as what I like to call it is gone. This is too much for me to handle. And I don’t know what I’ll do after this.

“What? Did I hear it right? You are my gay best friend, Chris? Maybe you are his twin. I don’t know what is going on, but I’ve known Chris forever. Or am I just kidding myself? I have known him for years and I don’t know much about him. Does he have siblings? If yes, how many? Or maybe he is an only child. Where does he live? I have a lot of things to ask him. But I didn’t because I respect his privacy. One thing is for sure, I love my gay best friend so much. Give him back to me!” I just keep on talking like forever. I tried to remain my composure but I just can’t stay still. I don’t care if I am being hysterical right now. I need to know the truth.

“Jedi, I have no twin. I have two siblings. One eldest and a younger one. I’ll tell you all the things about me. Just listen to me first,” I can’t get used to his manly voice. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

This is insanely mind-blowing for me. How can he hide the truth for me? Am I not trustworthy? Maybe that’s the case when it comes to him. I don’t blame him for hiding the truth from me, because I have a lot of secrets that I can’t share with anyone. But his gender identity is confusing me right now. Hearing his serious voice sends shivers down my spine. I have a crush on him way back and I didn’t tell a soul about it. And now he is here sitting across from me; just the two of us inside his office, I can’t calm my nerves down.

“So, you mean…” I look at him and he is not kidding. His face says it all. Sometimes when we want to know if someone is kidding or not, we just look at each other with serious faces. No playfulness or whatsoever. Just silence and direct eye contact. I realize everything I have done in front of him. All my embarrassing parts, he saw it all. Once, I got drunk when I was 18 and I can’t remember everything in the morning. When I woke up, I was not wearing any pants and a t-shirt. I am only wearing my panty and bra. I asked Chris what happened and when he explained it to me, I hide inside the blanket. But after a while, I recovered because he assured me that he will never take interest in me and even said the word ‘ew I’m gay you know. I will never.’ The other time I farted because I can’t hold it in anymore and I swear, it smelled a lot. I was embarrassed at that time but Chris just laughed it off. And other embarrassing moments that I don’t want to recall as of this moment.

I screamed at the top of my lungs. I want to get out of here as soon as possible but I can’t help but release my frustrations to this so-called boss of mine/best friend. He is the first guy that I considered my true friend. But I didn’t think about him lying to me about his gender. I don’t have any issues with it. In fact, I respect them because most of the gays I know are so creative and they have this oozing confidence I wish I had to follow my dreams. I have gay friends when I was in high school and it’s fun to be around them.

“YOU LIAR! HOW DARE YOU? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING HIDING THE TRUTH FROM ME?” I can’t help but blurt it out. Everyone has secrets that they keep and don’t want anyone else to know. But for him to lie to me that he is really a guy? I don’t know what will happen to us. It will never be the same as before. I still have a lot of things I want to talk to him about my struggles and things I can’t tell my brothers. But because of what happened tonight, I can’t trust him with the truth anymore.

Instead of an answer and giving me an explanation, the sound of his laugh filled the whole office. I can’t get used to this manly side of him. His laughing while holding his stomach is a sight to watch if he is still my crush. But no! He lied to me. I am fuming with rage and confusion. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I know in my heart that maybe there’s a reason for him to hide his true identity. But still, I trusted him and he is the only person I confided in about girl stuff. I even tell him about how gross my period is every month. Thinking about it now, I just want to disappear to a faraway land where no one knows me. This is too humiliating for me.

“YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO LAUGH? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?” I can feel my cheeks heating up and my eyes grew wider as I can see that he is still laughing. I can’t work with him knowing what I found out. Maybe for some, it is not such a big deal but for me it is. It’s hard for me to trust another person because of what I had gone through in the past.

I stood up from the couch and I turn my back from my boss. But before I can even walk out of the door, I felt a hand on my right arm.

“Jedi, don’t leave yet. There’s a lot for me to say to you.” There’s that manly voice again. Can he just use his gay persona so it will be easy for me to look at him?

“I don’t think I can talk to you right now. I’m still shocked about everything. Goodbye, Chris.”

He let go of my arm and as quickly as I can I run out of his office and slam the door. I run downstairs and walk past a lot of customers and there are even girls getting angry that I bump into them. I don’t care about their anger; I care about mine. The loud music and dim lights helped cover the pain and confusion I am feeling right now. I wipe the tears that escape my eyes. I don’t think I can work with him anymore. I’ll decide everything after I go home.

I’ve worked here in this bar for four years and a half turning five this year. But I won’t be able to complete that mark because of what I discovered. I think it’s time for me to say goodbye and leave for good.

I got all my things from my locker and leave the uniform that I wore almost my teenage years. I am glad when I arrived to change my clothes, no one can see me. I need another fresh environment and I will be forever thankful for Chris for accepting me here.

I was about to leave the bar with all of my things when I bump into Janna, one of my co-workers here.

“Jed, where are you going?” she asked while holding empty beer mugs in both of her hands.

“I’ll go home for tonight, Janna. I am not feeling well. Just tell sir Chris that I already left, okay?” I said with a painful expression while holding my head. I am not lying to her. Or maybe let’s just say it’s a white lie. But we’re not that close for me to tell her about what happened. I just treat her as a workmate. Besides, I know her personality better than anyone. She likes Chris and I know she’s jealous of me that our boss treats me differently. And why am I getting annoyed by her? She did nothing wrong to me. My mood swings are bad right now.

I didn’t wait for her reply and just walk out of the bar. I heave a deep sigh when I am finally outside and try to calm myself. This day, a lot has happened. First, I met a crazy guy who said he is an actor. I insulted him but we reconciled and I hope I will not meet him again. His world is a chaotic one and I don’t want any attention on me.

Second of all, Ethan tried to get close and he succeeded. It is awkward enough that we are working together but he even invaded my personal space. I stood my ground and showed him a side of me that was rarely shown to anyone. I saw he was quite surprised by how I acted towards him. But if I will not do that, he will still think he has a chance of making me say ‘yes to him. And I don’t want to lead him on.

Lastly, the third most shocking thing that happened is about my boss not being gay all this time. My mind is in shambles and I can’t think straight. I need to calm my mind and think about what to do next. What more could happen to me?