Roller Coaster of Emotions

Do you believe in fate? Me? I don't believe in any of it.

I just want to be left alone for a day.

~~~***~~~

“Do you think you deserve happiness after everything?”

“Do you think that you have the guts to face the truth?”

“Are you brave enough to even face it?”

“Don't make me laugh. You will never have a happy life.”

“I refuse for you to leave me alone.”

“Why don’t you just leave?”

“What did I ever do to you?”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Just go away!”

I need to get out of here. This is just a dream and I need to open my eyes. I run as fast as I can but there is no exit. And I can still hear that voice.

“You are a coward! You are nothing without me!”

“If I am a coward, what do you call yourself?”

I am exhausted from running, and I still can’t find the exit. There is an endless darkness in here. I need to wake up. I don’t want to be here.

“SHUT UP! If it weren’t for me you-”

Her voice is slowly coming towards me and there is an image forming when I am about to see her face, I wake up catching my breath. I look around, and I am so glad I am inside my room.

What was that dream about?

Why do I keep hearing that voice?

I think I need to buy lots of locks because I will need them. I need to keep it hidden. This is going to be another long day.

~~~***~~~

JL’s POV

All morning I contemplated a lot of things. I am wide awake and I need to get ready for work. But after what I dreamt about it's like all my strength was taken from me.

Why can't I just have a normal life?

Why does it have to be that I heard it every time?

I buried that voice deep inside my mind that I worked so much that it would not resurface again.

I am always exhausted at work, but I don't mind because it was quiet for quite some time.

But now, it is trying to get in my way. It is trying to control my life.

I need to get my act together. No one has to know about it.

Besides, I've been living right all these years.

I don't want them to worry about me.

I don't need to tell my family. For now, I'll keep it all to myself.

I am just looking at the ceiling and thinking what I should do for the day. I don't want to go to my shift at the bar after what I found out yesterday. Not only that, but I know I should not complain because he is my boss. But thinking about all the things I shared with Chris makes me want to disappear and go to a remote island.

Imagine talking about how gross your period is every month and how bloody it is. I don’t have a sister to talk about my menstruation because I am the only girl in our family. I know it is absurd of me to talk about it to someone but at that time, I don't mind because I can see he doesn't mind, and I am comfortable talking to him about it. Also, I farted so many times when I was with him, and it smelled so bad that I thought there was a drop of deuce in my panty. Every time I think about it, I am glad that I can still face him after what I've done.

He knew that it was so hard for me to trust someone. He knew that it was hard for me to open up and talk about the things about my life. Not only that, but he saw all the embarrassing things that happened to me. Knowing all that, I might as well resign even if it’s hard to find a job these days. I know the decision was up to me and I need to think hard about what I will do next.

I heard a knock on my door and I heard my dad telling me to go downstairs for breakfast. Right now, I will stop thinking about what happened yesterday and focus on today. I don't want them to see in my face that there is something wrong. My older brother Vince can quickly catch on if there is something wrong with me. He is so wise that I can't hide anything from him. He is like dad but more dangerous, so I need to be careful.

I went downstairs and it was quiet. I thought that we were having breakfast but why can't I hear their voices? Usually, it's so noisy that early in the morning I can hear our two little brothers bickering. Our dad just let it slide because they are still kids. I'm on the last step of the stairs and I hear a confetti that I hold my chest from the noise. There in the shadows are my siblings Lawrence, Joseph, Drew, Vince, and our dad holding a cake that is my favorite chocolate mousse.

They sang a “happy birthday” song and after they told me to make a wish. Before I closed my eyes, I looked at each of them. I have my family with me. It's been tough for us, but we are still here. I think my only wish is to give them more of what they deserve. That I will be able to give back to our dad who did everything he could to raise us. I blow the candles and hug each of them. Tears escape my eyes and the emotions I feel are hard to say in words. I am just blessed to have them in my life.

We ate breakfast together, and I did not even think about the time. I found out that our older brothers Vince and Drew were the ones who cooked breakfast and our little brothers helped with the decorations that they set up in our living room. It is a simple banner with a greeting “Happy 20th Birthday Jedielle! We wish you all the happiness in the world. We love you so much!” with flower stickers on it. And some purple balloons on the ceiling. It is simple but it made me smile.

I arrived at work at 9:10 am because the traffic was so bad. I never got a chance to greet my colleagues because immediately I needed to explain to my boss the reason I was late. Likewise, I saw Sean, Dominic, and Aimee on the counter and just nodded at them and ran upstairs to our boss's office.

When I was in front of the door, I heaved a long sigh because I was quite nervous. I don't like being late because even if I have three jobs, I can pull it off.

What am I going to say? Here goes nothing.

I knocked three times and heard my boss say “Come in.”

When I touch the knob, my right hand is getting sweaty. I saw my boss doing something on his laptop, and he is such a sight to see. He is only thirty-two but he is quite successful. I wish when I turn thirty I will have built a nice house for our family. I hope when I turn to that age, I will fulfill my promise to mom. It is still a long way but I know I’ll get there someday.

"Jed, just sit down on the couch. We have a lot to discuss," he said while still typing something. I closed the door and quietly walked towards the couch to not make any noise.

The silence is deafening and all I can hear is the sound of the wall clock and the air conditioner. I look around his office and look at the shelves behind him. He received many awards as the owner of the coffee shop and as a businessman. He is quite capable, and I am sure that whoever is the girl he will like will be lucky because he is a good man.

After a few minutes, Rick stood up from his desk and walked towards me. I think I am holding my breath and the silence is making me more nervous. I know my boss is not talkative most of the time, and he also has a playful side when he is in a good mood. But not all the time. There are still some things I don't know about him and even if I am curious, I will not ask him any personal questions.

He sat across from me, and he positioned himself crossing his hands and putting them on his legs.

“Jed, there is something important that I will tell you today,” he said in a serious voice while looking at me intently.

“W-what is it, s-sir Rick?” I want to punch myself for stuttering. I look away because my hands are getting sweaty by the minute. Not only that, but I know when he is serious that I did something bad. He scolds me in a way that only we can hear. He will always talk to me inside his office to reprimand me. I think this is my final warning or is there something left? I did a lot of things inside the coffee shop that he let slide and gave me a few warnings to do better next time. What should I do if he fires me?

“Look at me when I'm talking to you, Jed.”

I didn't want to look at him, but I had no choice. When I looked at my boss, he still had that serious face. What should I do? And why am I getting nervous? I know he will understand why I'm late, right? But he did me a lot of favors in the past and I don't want to abuse the kindness of my boss. So I'll just apologize and get it over with.

“Rick, I apologize for being late. I ate breakfast with my family and there's this thing called "traffic" and I know that it is not an excuse being we've been dealing with it for a long time even before I was born. And I know I am being unreasonable to ask to understand but please, just this one, can you forgive me? I'll do anything you say just please don't fire me.” I rambled without thinking. Because here's the thing, when I'm nervous, I talk so much that words just come out of my mouth without thinking about what I will say.

I am waiting for an answer but instead, he laughs so hard that it is the only sound you can hear in his office.

“What kind of face is that?” He said, still laughing.

I am just looking at him bewildered at how he can laugh at this moment. Here I am, so nervous about what he is going to say because of how serious he looks at me. And he dared to laugh? Should I be offended or relieved that he is not angry?

“You should have seen your face,” he is now wiping the tears that escaped his eyes from laughing. What is wrong with my face?

I got from my seat and started hitting him. I don't care anymore if he will fire me or not. He deserves a beating for laughing at me.

“You freak! How can you laugh so hard while I'm being nervous here? You deserve a beating!"

I hit him on his left arm as hard as I could. How dare he laugh at me?

“Ouch! Jed, that hurts. Hey! Wait! Ouch!"

“What's so funny huh? You need a beating and don't you dare shield yourself, I'll still beat you.”

Even if I am using my hands to hit him and I know it might hurt, he is taking the hit from me. He is shielding his left arm from me, so I will hit his right arm and vice versa. I will not give in.

“Ouch! Ouch! Hey, that hurts! Okay fine, fine! I'll explain everything. Stop hitting me already!”

I am still hitting him and I don't know why I can't stop. He's my boss, but I am quite frustrated that I can't tell him what happened this morning. It is a personal thing and before that, I had a nightmare.

The next thing I knew he hugged me and that stopped me from hitting him. What is going on? I can smell his manly perfume and my cheeks are starting to feel hot. What is happening right now?

“If I did not hug you, I know you won't stop hitting me until you are done,” I am looking at him right now still surprised at what happened. He got something under the table, and it was a purple rectangular box with a pink ribbon on it.

“Advance Happy Birthday! I know it's this Friday, right?” he said with a smile on his face while giving me the gift. I accept it and am still surprised at what is going on.

“I already know the reason why you came late. Your brother Vince called me this morning,” I just have no words and am still looking at Rick. What day is it today? Wednesday or Thursday? There are so many things going through my mind that I don't know what day it is. I need to be more aware of the days because I forgot even my birthday. And what did he say? My brother called him? When did my brother get Rick’s number?

“What?” That's all I could muster up to say.

“You know what? You are overreacting earlier. When you opened the door to my office, it was like you were in a horror movie that was quite hilarious.” he smiled. “Thinking about it and your facial expression while talking fast makes me laugh. You never fail to amuse me, Jed.”

His words struck something in me. I admire him but not on a crushing level that I will fall in love with him. But what is going on in my heart? I know that what we had is friendship between a boss and an employee. What is happening? I know that feeling is not me. Wait, what? What is that thought?

“Hello. Earth to Jed. I said so many things, and you are just looking at me. What? You realize that I'm handsome, don't you?” His playful smile snapped me back to reality. I know he is handsome, but I will not say it to his face.

*Scoff* “you wish. Stop smiling,” I furrow my brows. It's like I'm not talking to my boss. Just a friend and a good one at that. I still can't believe that I have a manager like him. He is one in a million.

“Ouch you're hurting my feelings," I push him lightly on his shoulders. He is holding his heart like he is hurting. What a child.

I've been working here for 4 years and I must say that it is so nice to go to work knowing that I have a boss who has my back. I wish more people would have a manager like him because he is a considerate boss who helps the coffee shop have more sales. And his workers are happy to come to work.

“Rick, thank you for understanding, and thanks for the gift. I need to get going,” I stood up and walked towards the door. But before I left, I looked at him one last time. “Thank you for being the best boss.” I gave him a genuine smile that I rarely give and left to work downstairs.

My shift at the coffee shop ended and before I left, Aimee, one of my co-workers, handed me our new schedule for next month. And I am so glad that when I look at it, for the whole month, my schedule is MWF, which stands for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It is a great schedule because I will have more time for my family. And I have two days off. Saturday and Sunday. It was rare for me to have a weekend off because that’s where our customers packed the coffee shop.

I read the sticky note that was on it: You have worked hard. It's time for you to do what you want and have a life. — R

I am so glad that I have a very considerate boss in the world. It put a smile on my face. I know it's hard to have three jobs, and I am always exhausted coming home from work. But I am doing it for myself and my family. I needed a huge distraction and getting a job is a good one at that.

When I got out of the coffee shop, my phone kept ringing, so I took it out of my purple backpack. When I saw the number of the caller, I dropped the call. All the contacts of the people I know are saved on my phone. So whoever is calling, I will not answer it.

I was going to put my cell phone in my bag when it rang again. For the second time, I hung up again.

Why does it keep calling me? I don’t have any time for those scammers.

I know I should not be judgmental. But can you blame me? When I started to have a cell phone and my new phone number, I always received a bunch of text messages telling me that I had won a prize or five hundred thousand cash. I never even entered a contest in my entire life because I was busy having a job. There was also one who called me and being new to using a cell phone at that time, I answered it. It was a guy asking me who I am and a bunch of personal questions. I was annoyed and answered sarcastically, and I made it sound like I was angry, so they would stop calling me. And I am glad that guy never called me back. Another one was a girl asking me where I lived and if we could be friends. Of course, I answered her rudely because I didn't even know her. Better safe than sorry.

My phone won't stop ringing because of that annoying caller. I can memorize numbers easily. With one glance or two, I can memorize it right away. Even the numbers at home, my dad and older brothers, I know their numbers. So if unfortunately, I'll lose my phone, I can still call them if anything happens to me.

I just held on to my phone and was not able to put it back in my bag because it would just ring again. I just hang up every time it rings because I don't even know who that caller is. Besides, I am walking to go to the train station to go to the flower shop. I heard the message ringtone and stopped in my tracks to read the message. It was from the annoying caller, and I was surprised who it was.

(WHY DO YOU KEEP IGNORING MY CALLS? IT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND, ZANDER!)

Reading his message in all caps makes me feel like he is yelling at me. Before I can even process what I've read, comes the second message.

(Ignore my first message. We need to talk! Stop ignoring my calls and answer them! – Z.)

The second message annoyed me big time. Who does he think he is? The first message surprised me to even think how he got my number. And calling himself my boyfriend or maybe he just accidentally sent it to me.

If my memory serves me right, there is no phone number exchanged that happened when we first met. And second of all, how can he order me around? I do not take orders from anyone except when I am doing my job.

(I don't have a boyfriend and if you have nothing better to do, stop pestering me. Get a life!)

I click send and finally put my cell phone in my bag. I smiled because I had the final say. Even if he is that actor, I don't care about him. There are so many things that I need to do. I need to focus on my life. I don’t have the time and energy to deal with someone like him.