Chapter 37. Where Desire Is Realized

Falling is an experience that was only exciting at first. When adrenaline spikes, and you feel an unexpected giddiness. After that, it was just the awful feeling of questioning your life.

That was what Zein thinking about falling.

When the ground crumbled and his body felt weightless suddenly, his heart lurched and beat fast. The debris that fell with him even knocked his goggles off, and everything went dark then. He could only see a meter ahead and nothing more, although he saw something before his vision got robbed completely—

And then everything went even darker, like his vision was being clouded by darkness. However, rather than feeling anxious, he felt at ease instead. And as if confirming his relief, the darkness around him turned warm--the warmth of another person. A strong hand gripped Zein's waist, and a soft breath tickled his ear.

"Again?"

Zein clutched into the back of Bassena's coat, almost tempted to chuckle despite the situation. "I know, right?"

Everything seemed to be buried underneath the earth, including their objectives. Zein couldn't see now, but before his goggles got knocked off, he could see a spread of a city, or so it looked like. The structure nearest them was the continuation of something like a tower or a skyscraper that Zein had been looking at before his fall.

"I think you're right, we can use the building to come down—although the path down probably got blocked above, that's why we couldn't find it," Bassena said while their body was suspended in the air by his darkness. "Should we get down and see for a bit?"

"Sure, need to find my goggles too..." Zein looked down, but he couldn't see anything, so it felt like he was inside a void.

Strangely enough—or not—he didn't feel one bit scared or uncomfortable. He could feel the darkness slithering around his body, supporting him afloat, like the warm arm around his waist. As they started to move down, the darkness moved and shifted around them, and Zein reached out his hand to touch it.

"Your darkness..." Zein muttered, and Bassena tensed beside him, seeing Zein weave his hand through the slithering fog.

"Ah, sorry, it can't be helped if we want to keep afloat," Bassena spoke swiftly. "Just bear with it for a while—"

"It's not that," Zein cut the esper immediately. One thing that Zein realized after more than a week with this man was that people seemed to fear his power—even his allies.

—is it not scary?

He remembered Han Shin asked him that about guiding Bassena. The man tended to use his power away from people, taking care of enemies before they could come close. They even asked him whether he felt nauseous after using Bassena's teleportation skill.

Zein had always been confused about it. Perhaps because he knew what the cruel, unforgiving darkness felt like, those that cane from the malice of a human's heart, or seeping inside a cold, empty room.

There was nothing cruel and unforgiving about the darkness that enveloped him.

"It's nice, your darkness," Zein muttered, smiling at the feel of the slightly trembling, slithering fog between his fingers. "Maybe because I got familiar with it, but It feels comfortable," they landed on the ground, and Zein added casually once his feet touch the concrete floor. "It's as if I'm being hugged—"

He stopped then, realizing that he was, indeed, being half-hugged right now, with Bassena's arm circling his waist. As if responding to his pause, a finger brushed his neck, and rested on the button of his mask.

Zein looked up, slowly, feeling with every part of him that was attached to the esper right now, the heat radiating from the man. The beating heart, and the blazing amber. It was all he could see before his mask retreated, and their lips collided.

It wasn't like what they did on the lakeside. That kiss was way too prude, and way too much of a test for either of them.

This one was filled with passion from the first touch. Bassena was in no business of keeping things sweet. He had held himself way too long, way too much. So when he felt no resistance from Zein, he went at it—not just slotting their lips against each other, but nibbling, sucking on the sweet, protected lips of the guide.

And Zein—Zein had no leeway to reject it, no justification. It was he who broke their line at that time. He was the one who put restrictions, and yet he was the one who violated said restrictions. He was the one who indulged the man, even after he said he wouldn't respond to the other's advances.

He was the one who got swayed.

And so here they were, inside the darkness of the ruin, being consumed. Zein's instinct as a guide prompted his hand to raise and grabbed on the platinum locks, absorbing the corrosion inside the esper. But that just made everything even more intense. He gasped at the rush, and Bassena took the chance to slip inside, coiling wet tongue into Zein's own flesh.

The blue eyes squinted as Zein felt his heart beating faster. It had been so long since he had this kind of kiss, and Bassena was hovering over him with the entirety of his imposing physique. Between the flurry of guiding and the tongue touching the inside of his mouth, his vague mind registered the fact that he was being pushed deeper, until his back touched a cold surface—a wall? A fence?

Who knew, since the skillful tongue grazed his palate, at that place that pushed his nerves ablaze and Zein shuddered. "Ha—" he pulled away, breathing hard, but the esper didn't seem to be satisfied yet from the way he chased after Zein's lips again.

"Wait—" Zein put his fingers across the esper's eager lips, eyes flickered in a leftover sensation of the guiding rush. "You—you're clean now. This—"

"I didn't ask to be guided," the low, husky voice was devoid of any teasing. A little growl, a lot of impatience.

A blazing ember.

Zein stared at those liquid flames, piercing at him between the darkness, licking at him with their heat. What else was contained within those flames? The spreading tingles inside his body told him the answer, and Zein cursed.

"Ah fuck," the fingers blocking the esper's lips moved into the platinum locks and pushed their face closer.

It was no longer a guiding. There was no excuse Zein could throw to explain the way he let the esper dance with his tongue, the way their lips chased each other, the way they nibbled and sucked on the flesh of their lips and tongue. It was just lust now, just carnal desire; as the hand on his waist pressed their body together; as he grabbed tightly into the broad back and the steady head; as the large hand roamed his black hair and caressed his tingling neck.

And damn if this esper wasn't such a good kisser. Zein cursed inwardly at the way his spine shuddered every time the younger's tongue grazed the roof of his mouth. "Mmh..." he couldn't help but let out a delighted sigh that prompted a chuckle from the other.

"You're liking this," Bassena whispered, soft breath grazing Zein's lips as he laughed in satisfaction.

Zein scowled and pulled the esper by his hair, hissing in annoyance. "If you know, then put that tongue to better use," he spat coldly before clashing their lips together again, the younger's smirk apparent through their kiss.

To Bassena's credit, he did put it to better use, plundering Zein's mouth and mercilessly attacking the guide's palate until Zein was shuddering and tingling all over.

"Haa...Zein..." Bassena whispered with a heavy breath, pecking lightly on the guide's lips while at it. "Can I touch you?" he asked in a soft request, thumb rubbing the guide's cheek intimately.

The hand on Zein's waist had been tightening, caressing, rubbing the small of Zein's back. It gave a pleasurable sensation inside his stomach, but Zein rejected it firmly. "No,"

Bassena gave out a small chuckle, lightly kissing the corner of Zein's mouth, and slowly traveled his lips to the edge of the guide's ear. "But Zein," Bassena pulled on the older's waist, rubbing their lower body together as if it hadn't been for the last few minutes. His voice dropped a tad lower, "You're hard."

"I know," Zein replied, short and curt, and Bassena laughed at the conviction behind the word. The way the guide firmly rejected further moves despite having the desire made Bassena even more at a loss for argument.

So he just laughed softly, pressing the button of Zein's masked again, and leaned his head on the guide's shoulder, arms resting around the other's waist. Zein just let him, slowly regulating his heartbeat again, enjoying the leftover sensation on his spine, savoring the tingling in his abdomen. They would recede shortly, but he shall enjoy it. That was all he would let his body succumb to.

Zein felt the esper nuzzle on his neck and inhaled his scent, nose planted firmly on his skin. "This scent really is..." Bassena sighed, tightening his hold on the guide's waist slightly. Zein wondered what the esper wanted to say—was it good? Pleasurable?

"...comforting," the blonde strands were tickling Zein's cheek as Bassena continued to nuzzle and sniff there. "It's just like when you did it the first time."

"The first time..." Zein looked up, seeing nothing but darkness without his goggles. But strangely, he felt safe. What else could he feel when he was inside the embrace of the strongest one?

"In that cave," Bassena smiled against Zein's neck. "I can't remember the way you did it, but I remembered the sensation."

Remember...honestly, Zein was the same. All he could remember was feeling frantic and in pain. He had no idea what it felt like, guiding through sex. Was the rush the same as when he kissed? Was it more intense? He was too preoccupied with absorbing as much as corrosion that he barely recognized the mana core full of darkness, or the blazing amber eyes.

People barely talked about the sensation they feel during guiding. It was either good or bad, enough or inadequate. Esper didn't usually visualize the guiding process anyway.

But for Bassena to talk about the sensation of something from four years ago—he was either the sensitive type or it was that memorable.

"It felt like a cradle," Bassena whispered against Zein's shoulder, voice filled with a tinge of longing. "Like I was being kept inside a cocoon of warm water."

Oh...Zein blinked into the darkness. It was weird how spot-on Bassena's visualization was. Or rather, how in sync it was with Zein's.

"I remembered feeling like I was floating inside a void of darkness, getting chained," Bassena laid his cheek on the guide's shoulder. "It's always the same...it's like the view I always see every time I fall asleep."

Zein snapped from his own reminiscence. "Every time you fall asleep? Are you saying...you never have a dream?"

"No," Bassena drew circles on Zein's back, eyes feasting on the guide's neck. "When I sleep, I'm just floating in the dark."

"Like...inside that imprisonment formation?" Zein blinked, suddenly remembering how tired Bassena looked a few hours ago.

"Mm,"

"...is that why you rarely sleep?" during the whole week, Zein only ever saw Bassena sleep after the first Specter fight, when they both slept while holding hands, and once again in the domain, the night before they continued their journey.

"Well, it gets boring after seeing it for years, just sitting still, doing nothing, feeling disoriented," Bassena reached up his hand and slowly, gently, put his finger on Zein's neck, tracing the vein there. Tracing the pulse. "But it gets better this past week, the scenery is changing."

Bassena waited for a moment, but Zein didn't swat his hand away, so he continued. "I was standing on a cliff, overlooking a vast, beautiful, blue sea, under a very clear blue sky. It's wonderful isn't it?"

The esper hummed in an unmistakable blissful tone, thumb rubbing on Zein's pulse. It was steady and comforting, like the rest of the guide's presence.

"Are you saying it's because you receive my guiding?"

"Well, why else would it be, since it happen after I receive it?"

There was a slight spike in Zein's pulse at that time, and Bassena raised his brow. Before he pulled his head away, however, Zein already opened his mouth. "That attachment you have...it's dangerous."

Bassena refrained from pulling away and laid his head down on the guide's shoulder again. "For you or for me?"

Zein didn't answer with his mouth, but with the quicken of his pulse.

Bassena pressed his head more into Zein's shoulder, lips stretched into a smile. "Are you afraid I'm going to imprint you?" the pulse was spiking even more. Since their bodies were pressed together, Bassena could even feel the heartbeat, which had gone steady before, thumping loudly.

The esper straightened his back, and pulled his head away so he could see the guide's face clearly—well, the blue eyes, at the very least. They were shaking slightly, and Bassena realized that Zein was indeed scared.

"Something like that won't just happen—"

"It could," Zein replied coldly. "It can happen without consent. It can happen accidentally."

The blue eyes were piercing and sharp, even as the orbs shook. It was apparent that Zein was talking from experience. Not his own, but someone's close.

Bassena reached out to stroke the skin below the other's eyes. It was pale, and cold. "But why are you worried about me when I'm the one who will consent to it first?"

The blue eyes widened, and then the brows above them furrowed. "You'll die if—"

"I'll die if you die," Bassena smiled relaxedly, despite the heavy tone of the conversation.

Imprinting. People romanticized it as a sacred, special bond between Esper and Guide. They even said it was like a marriage pact. An Esper that could only receive guiding from his only Guide. The Guide that could no longer guiding anyone but that one Esper. That bond created a better synchronization between the Esper and the Guide, making the guiding faster, and strengthening the Esper.

But unlike marriage, in the case of the death of a spouse or a separation without severing the bond beforehand, the Esper would no longer be able to receive any guiding from another Guide.

For the Esper, it would be a death sentence.

And yet Bassena talking about it so casually. That being said, the firmness in his eyes told Zein that it wasn't because the esper thought lightly of imprinting.

"Regardless of whether or not we'd imprint on each other, I'll die if you're gone, Zein," the esper leaned down, pressing his head on the guide's shoulder again, hugging the older man tighter. "Regardless if this is just a mere attachment, or if I have real feelings for you, I won't stop. I can't stop it."

Like a dam, the trickling pure water had been pouring into his darkness for four years. Like a core, it had taken root there; in his mind, in his heart, in his soul.

"Why are you worried about something like this when you're still rejecting me?" Bassena laughed softly. "You make me want to press for more."

"I told you I have no intention to return your feeling—"

"It's okay," Bassena pressed a smile on Zein's neck. "Just don't tell me to stop."

Zein opened his mouth, but he found out he couldn't let anything inside his mind pass his tongue. So he just leaned back into the hard wall behind him, looking up at the darkness again.

"You're at least physically—"

"Alright," Zein stopped whatever words wanted to jump out of Bassena, as the esper stilled, frozen in his embracing motion. "Let's try it."

Slowly, as if just being hit by a paralyzing spell, Bassena pulled away, hands holding into Zein's upper arm. "Do...what?"

"Sex," the blue eyes stared deep into Bassena's stunned face. "For guiding. Let's see if you can control yourself."

Bassena's lips parted for a moment, before he snapped hastily. "No takes back—"

"Just once," Zein put his index finger on Bassena's lips. "On the last day."

Bassena paused, taking the firm gaze that Zein threw carefully. There was quite a lot contained inside the gaze; do it professionally; do not cross the line; separate your needs and your feelings—and probably a lot more.

Again, it was a line that Zein drew.

"Okay," Bassena smiled, kissing the finger on his mouth, taking it between his lips, and biting on them.

But lines were not always straight. And lines could always be breached someday.

For now, it was enough for Bassena.