The mind of a prisoner

Colin

It feels like I am watching a movie of my life and there is nothing I can do. So much has happened in a couple of days, and the more I stay trapped, the more I feel like I am losing myself.

I am present for everything that is happening.

I am here but I can't do anything.

Uncle Blue came over earlier, and I watched him ask me questions and I couldn't even answer them.

A voice that sounded just like me did all the talking.

My wolf speaks up for the first time since they all left. "I failed you." I am sorry.

I turned to him, tied up in chains like some animal.

"This is not your fault. This is all my fault."

"You always do this," he shakes his head. I sensed him getting angry.

"Do what?"

A tiny howl escapes his lips. "Blame yourself for everything.''

I don't.

"Yes you do,'' he reads my mind instantly. "You feel like you are less than. You take on the burden of every little situation. It has made us so weak.''

There is more in his tone.

I didn't even know that he was frustrated with me.

"I am less than.''

He sits up now with a growl. "You are not less than. You think you are and that has made you less than."

I furrow my brows in confusion because, to me, he is not making sense anymore.

"Will you just stop blaming yourself for everything?" he manages with a deep sigh.

"You were literally just doing the same thing. How is it any different when I do it?" I lower my head and rest my forehead on my knees, giving up.

"Because I noticed that something was wrong that night,'' he lets out a breath.

I look up with curiosity.

"What night?''

"The night you were drunk. The night you made a fool of yourself."

The night everything went to shit.

My wolf had been quiet even before that night, but after, it felt different.

I remember, but I didn't know anything was wrong. I was in a bubble, one that Lowell caused, and now I can't even be with him anymore.

Watching someone else live their life is the worst thing that can happen to a person--especially when you are there when you can't do anything to change or stop it.

"She did something to us. There was a scent coming out of her, one that made me feel sick."

"And you didn't do anything?''

He nods.

"Why?''

"You were having so much fun. You were letting go of yourself for once, and I didn't want to ruin that for you. The retreat was supposed to be a chance to let go, and that was happening in the beginning. I didn't think this was going to happen.''

There isn't anyone that cares more about me than my wolf. He is like the better part of me, and I understand that he would never intentionally let anyone hurt us.

"It wasn't your fault.''

"And it isn't yours either."

We are at a crossroads, and he knows it. The only way we can get out of this mess is if someone on the outside intervenes. I don't know if my dads have noticed that something is wrong. They haven't really shown me any sign that they think there is a problem, but they must suspect something.

Right?

The door to my room opens and I watch as Tala walks in. Her eyes roam around as if she is unsure of what to do or say.

"You know you can enter. Why are you standing all the way over there?" That voice--the voice that is mine but also not, speaks up.

Tala walks over to me slowly and sits down as if she is uncomfortable. "Are you good?" she asks finally.

I am not good, Tala.

I want to tell her, but she can't hear me.

"I am; things have been crazy lately."

Words that I don't want to say.

She smiles with a nod, "Yeah, the retreat didn't go as planned, huh?''

"Yeah, I found her though.''

She is not mine.

She is not the one. Telling Tala that might make sense to her, but it doesn't to me.

"Is she really the one?" she asks out of nowhere, and this makes me sit up on the cold floor.

I watch the scene as it plays out through the cage that I am trapped in.

"Yes, she is. I felt it when we were about to leave. She is everything I could ask for and more."

Lies, lies, and more lies.

Lowell is the one for me. He is everything I want in a man.

"You don't seem happy. You don't seem like yourself. Is she making you do this?"

Tala is my best friend.

If she doesn't question this, then no one else would either. I know that much.

"I am happy. I just want to see her. It seems like they all want to keep her away from me."

Lies.

I don't know how I am supposed to get my hands around all of this. I don't know how to get out of this mess.

"Is that what you really want?'' Tala asks.

"Yes."

No.

"I'll talk to the rents, get them to agree to this. If it is what you want, but you know you will end up having to see Lowell.''

I want to see him. Make sure he is okay from the last time. I hate that i am indirectly hurting him.

He must think I am a terrible person.

He must think the worst of me.

I hate that so much.

"Things will work out,'' My wolf speaks up, with an assuring smile.

I sigh.

"Would it really?''

From where I am, it seems like there is no way I will get out of this mess. It seems like I might end up being trapped forever and that is what scares me the most.