Chapter 27: Grief And Guilt

Lutsey's POV

I thought I would never experience such pain again, but I was wrong. Over the years, I have been able to contain my grief over Silwanin's death. However, when I saw Father's body lying on the ground and impaled by a piece of wood from our house, everything collapsed. This grief, so contained, found itself multiplied and the suffering with it. I have never felt so much pain until that moment. I didn't know how long I would stay like this, crying with my father's body in my arms and I didn't care.

My whole world had collapsed in a matter of moments. Father, Neytiri, Tsu'tey, my brothers and sisters omatikayas....They all left and the emptiness they left behind was immense. Added to this was my guilt...I could have saved them...If only...If only I had listened to Tsu'tey's warning.

But now they're dead, swept away by the flames and it was my fault... Just like with Silwanin, I could have prevented this...And I didn't do anything.

Later, we decided to give a burial to my father, not far from the Kelutral that he tried, in vain, to defend. I looked at Father's face, which kept its authoritarian side, despite death.

I am so sorry...So...Father....

I couldn't even hear Joltsyn pronounce the funeral chant to allow the spirits to reach Eywa, contemplating the body of the man below, with a huge hole in his belly. This man who saw me grow up and shaped the woman I became.

My observation seemed to last an eternity, the memories of the time spent with my father, whether in joy or sorrow or anger, passed before my eyes. I hoped that it was just a nightmare and that I would wake up. That everything would be like it was before.

Tsu'tey's warning turned in my head like an echo in a cave.

"If something ever happened to us because of him, you'll have something to be sorry for. »

It resonated in my head over and over again as the memories of my family and clan passed by. I couldn't help but fall apart and cry again.

It was all my fault! I failed! And again...

A comforting hand rested on my right shoulder, calming me for a moment. I turned my head and saw my twin sister looking at me with compassion.

Joltsyn: I understand your feelings. But we need to move forward. Your father wouldn't have wanted you to do this.

Me: Yes, but he's dead... Him, Mother, Neytiri, Tsu'tey and the rest of the clan. They're gone, because of me.

Joltsyn: You blame yourself too much, big sister.

Me, clenching my fists, tears still flowing: How can I not? I knew Neytiri's feelings for this demon from heaven, and I didn't do anything! They would all be alive today if I had acted! I made the same mistake as with Silwanin and look at the result! My host family has completely disappeared. Because of me!

I could feel his gaze on me, while my grief and guilt were still overwhelming me.

Joltsyn in a neutral tone: We are waiting for your orders, big sister.

This change of tone is enough to bring me back to reality and to my position, despite the still heavy weight in my heart.

Me: We are returning to Kelutral. I must digest this and reflect on the decision to be made. But I promise on your grave, Father, as well as that of Neytiri, Mother and all our brothers and sisters, your dead will be avenged.

As soon as the burial was over, we returned to Kelutral with heavy hearts. During the whole trip, I did not stop feeling guilty, knowing that I could have prevented it.

When we arrived at the clan, the news soon awakened terrible memories and old desires for revenge. Everyone was waiting for my guidance. Unfortunately, I was in no condition. All I wanted was to be alone and think about the ghosts of the past.

As I sat with my head in my lap to dive back into my dark thoughts, I felt the blackness invade my mind.

When I managed to open my eyes, I heard songs, children's cries, with adult voices roaring. As I looked down, I saw that I was sitting in the middle of a field full of flowers. The grass was caressing my skin, and pure air was invading my nostrils. I didn't know where I was, but it was nice. All I wanted for now was to lie on the grassy ground and be rocked by the voices. Suddenly a familiar voice came to my ears. A voice that I knew too well.

Tsylan: So? Shall we take a nap, my tigress?

I turned my eyes and saw a tawtute of about thirty years old, obviously. He lay down not far from me, with his back to the grass. His curly hair and his enigmatic and mature look were enough for me to recognize my partner. But I could hardly believe it.

Me: Tsylan!?

He smiled at me with a teasing smile, as he knew how to do.

Tsylan: Of course! That's my true form. Well, I'm a little small, I admit it. On the one hand, it's not our fault that you're poles!

Me: But...Where are we?

He looked at the misty surroundings, listening to the voices coming out with his usual analytical gaze.

Tsylan: I can't tell you, to tell you the truth. I just woke up here before I saw you.

Is it possible that we might be...?

Tsylan: Anyway, it's nice.

With these words, he lay down and closed his eyes, meditating silently. I turned my eyes everywhere. Am...am I dead?

Voice: I reassure you, little sister, you are still in the world of the living.

I turned my head towards the voice to see Silwanin, standing, giving me a tender smile. Carried away by my joy at seeing her again, I got up immediately to jump into her arms, crying with joy.

Me: Silwanin! I missed you so much!

Silwanin in a soft voice: I know, little sister.

Me: Sil...I couldn't protect you...I am so sorry....

Silwanin: There was nothing you could do about it. It was my decision, you can't blame yourself.

Me: If I had been able to find the words...

Silwanin: My anger was too great to be reasoned with.

Me: I regret...So much.

I couldn't stop crying again in his arms, before I asked him the question that had been tormenting me.

Me: Is Father here?

Voice: Yes, my daughter.

I turned my gaze towards my Father, whose smile came to light up his stern face. I was about to give him a hug, but he interrupted me with a wave of his hand. I looked at him, both hurt and incredulous.

Father: I wanted to hold you, Lutsey. Believe me. But the time our Mother has given us is almost up.

Me: What do you mean?

Father: My daughter, you are living with regrets and they are eating you up inside. You don't have to have them.

Me: But Father...Yes...

Father: What's done is done, Lutsey. You have to focus on the present and on your clan. They need you to guide them through this tumultuous time.

I understood his words. I was going through a difficult time, but I was a leader. I wasn't going to let my feelings get in the way of my job. Unfortunately ... There were times when that was no longer possible...

Father: To have feelings, is part of us and it is normal that you feel them. But, as a chief, the good of the clan counts above all else.

Lutsey: I know, but it's so hard...so painful....

He gave me a sad smile.

Father: Guiding has never been easy, believe me.

With those words, he and my sister began to disappear.

Me: Father! Big sister!

Silwanin: Our time is over, little sister.

I was looking in the direction of Tsylan and I saw him lying there, still as visible as ever. When I saw this, I had a little hope. Maybe he wasn't dead... Then I saw beside him the silhouette of a sister with orange eyes that seemed to be looking at me. Her attire seemed to reveal a high rank within her clan. Strangely, she looked familiar, as did her long hair, but it was styled in a way I had never seen before. Except once. That of the woman who spoke to me in my vision, when Neytiri saved me from drowning.

She was accompanied by a man, probably her partner and olo'eyktan. His outfit showed him well and he had short, curly hair.

I also noticed that he had orange eyes. However, they were too blurred for me to see them properly. And they, too, seemed to disappear little by little.

Father: Your companion is between life and death. His fate is his own.

Me: Are these silhouettes...?

Father: Yes, my daughter. They are your real parents.

I turned to them with tears still flowing and a aching heart.

Me: Why don't they come?

Silwanin: They can't.

Seeing them disappear, little by little, was heartbreaking for me. It was like losing them a second time.

Me: Stay! Please! I miss you so much!

Silwanin: We will always live in you, little sister. Always.

It was then that I remembered not asking them about Neytiri and Mother! But it was already too late.

With those words, they disappeared just as I was about to open my lips to ask the question, and I regained consciousness. As I opened my eyes, I saw the reassured eyes of Joltsyn smiling at me.

Joltsyn: Here you are again, big sister!

I blinked to regain consciousness: I was unconscious, how long was I unconscious?

Joltsyn: All night! I was worried.

I lowered my ears. Worrying about Joltsyn was the last thing I wanted.

Me: I'm sorry.

Joltsyn relieved: The important thing is that you're alive.

Suddenly Koltyey returned with Tsylan's friend Siltsan.

Koltyey: My Olo'eyktan, my Tsahik, a dream walker came towards us. He says he knows you, my Tsahik.

We both looked at each other, knowing each other's identity. But why was he there, after the Kelutral incident?

Joltsyn: I wonder what he wants.

Me: Me too. The only way to find out is to ask him.

With that, we got up to go downstairs and talk to Norm. Suddenly, the gurgling of my belly called me to order, under the laughter of my little sister.

Joltsyn: You're going to have to fill your stomach first. Luckily, I've stocked up for you.

Me: Where would I be without you?

Joltsyn with a smile: Probably not far away!

We laughed, while we went down to get some food for me, before welcoming our visitor. I really hoped he had some good explanations to give.