The Last Gratitude

I am a tad bit envious. I'm envious of Prim for having such a caring brother, of Adam for having something precious to protect and defend. I can also name a thousand other things I'm always a bit jealous I don't have. I am surrounded by people who all seem to have reasons to fight for and go forward. Then there is me.

I often lose myself in a spiral of thoughts wondering what I possibly have to offer. If my time is worth it for other people. If any of what I do or say or aspire for matters at the end of the day. I don't particularly like to live in delusion. In fact, I think I've been entirely disillusioned with my life for a very long time now. I wonder if things would have been different if I was born to a different reality. What kind of person would I turn out to be if I had all I lacked growing up?

The truth is I have nothing to gain from helping Primrose and Adam O'Connor fix their relationship. I don't do it for moral duty or some ulterior motive. Maybe I do it out of a lack of meaning in my own life. What I should have towards Prim are a caretaker's feelings of duty toward their patient, the kind of sympathies that stop when the clock signals the end of my shift. Prim thinks she won my heart over but perhaps it's the other way around. Through her, I could find hints of familial responsibility, like the kind of sister I wish I had. She made me feel and remember things I never thought I'd care to recall. It probably should be me thanking her for filling some yawning void inside of me. That she reminded me how my life isn't as pointless or vain as I thought it to be.

Right now, she would be talking to her brother. They'd argue, maybe she'd yell at him and cry but they'll eventually make up. She will learn to rely on him bit by bit and because he's family, they'll be closer than ever. It's childish to admit that it makes me sad I will no longer be needed- or not needed as much. I laughed bitterly at my own thoughts, shaking my head.

"Young miss, are you okay?" I looked up to find an old man in a beige frock looking kindly at me. It was the confectioner. "You have been staring at the chocolate roses for quite some time now. Do you like them that much?"

I smiled apologetically, afraid he was thinking I'm some kind of thief or suspicious person. "I'm sorry. I promise I'm not-

He cut me off, laughing heartily. He had foreign features, the kind you don't see much of in this town. "Ah don't misunderstand me, I wasn't doubting your character, just making an observation." He smiled knowingly. He had the aura of a grandfather who knew all your secret thoughts. It almost made me blush in embarassement. I was about to excuse myself and leave when his voice stopped me. "Hold on, take this."

I looked up at him, then at the little plastic box with a chocolate rose within. I raised my hands. "I- no, please. I can't take this."

"It's bad manners to refuse a gift when it's offered." He jested. "Since you admired it so much, why don't you have it?"

I couldn't bring myself to accept it. It was afterall expensive and he must have put a lot of effort and time making it. I searched for my card, ready to pay when he gave me a stern gaze. "Tsk, don't be like that. Put it away. I wouldn't have offered if I wanted your money."

"Why then?" I hesitantly took the little box in my hand, staring at the delicately made rose.

The stranger smiled. "Because everyone loves chocolate, and it made you forget about whatever it is you were so intensely thinking about. Didn't it?"

"I." I simply stared speechlessly at the man. It did steer my head in a different direction from my previous thoughts but still, why would a complete stranger do this? "Thank you."

He smiled approvingly. "Young miss, would you care to hear a word from this old man?"

I nodded quickly, blood rushing to my face. "You're not that old. You don't look a day over forty."

"Ah I know you sweet talk me, but I will fully accept it." He laughed unreservedly again. It drew a smile on my face. "You're still young and you have a long life ahead of you to experience all kinds of things. There will be the good and the bad but only you get to decide which one will win over. So for now, while you still can, let go of the bad and chase the good. Smile often and love to your heart's content. There's not much else to youth besides that if you ask me."

I looked at the chocolate rose I was given again and nodded because that's all I could answer then. Everything he said could absolutely be the truth but I couldn't tell him that it's all the same to me. I see my life now as I will probably always see it, despite the good there's always the bad lurking around the corner waiting for the right moment to sneak up on me and drag me in its strong hold. I am weak to it like that. I allow it to take control when maybe I shouldn't.

My phone started ringing, snapping me out of my daze. I pocketed the little delicacy and took the call.

"It's Adam. We couldn't find you. Can you meet us where we parked the car?" He sounded a lot less strained than he did when we last spoke. I guess that's a good sign.

"Sure, I'll be there in five." I hung up, making my way back to the parking lot.

I could spy him sitting with his back against the car, the passenger seat door open. Prim must have been inside. He seemed to laugh at something, likely something she said. They could have been talking about their childhood, or the fair, or some funny incident that happened when I left them alone.

"There you are." Adam raised his hand to get my attention. He didn't need to.

"Did I keep you waiting for long?" I asked, looking between him and Prim sitting bundled up in her jacket and scarf inside.

"You didn't. We just got here too." He gave a little smile. It was the first genuine, natural kind of smile I've ever gotten from him. Like this, he didn't seem half as bad as I made him out to be. "Shall we go? It's getting late."

"I don't want to leave but I'm cold and hungry." Prim whined, fastening her seatbelt.

I sat in the back and teased her. "For someone so small, you sure do complain a lot."

"Hey! That's not true." She turned to give me the stink eye.

"I must agree with her on that one." Her brother spoke, eyes focused on the road. "You whine too much for someone your size."

She gasped dramatically and slapped his arm. "You two gang up and pick on the weak? I'm never going out with you again!"

"Sure you won't." I replied sarcastically.

"Why am I the one getting hit though?" Adam muttered, making her laugh satisfactorily.

It seems things went well then. I'm gald in a way. I smiled to myself, toying with the little box in my pocket. Primrose talked the entire way back to the clinic, filling me in on what happened since I left them, excluding their conversation.

"Go in." Adam pat her head as we stood in front of the gates to the dorms. "We're already late as is, no need to alarm the staff for nothing."

Prim pouted, seeming downcast. It must suck to not be able to spend as much time with her brother as she wanted even when they'd just made up. I gave her an encouraging smile. "Go, you can always hang out with him now. All you have to do is ring him up. I don't think he has much to do anyway."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Adam scoffed, seemingly offended.

I looked at him pensively. "You strike me as someone who has a lot of time on their hand."

He narrowed his eyes at me, clearly having a lot to say back. Primrose snickered and cackled at him. "She's so right." She patted her brother's upper arm. "You'll have to come often then. I still didn't say I forgive you."

I raised an eyebrow at her but she shushed me, silently begging me to keep quiet. I shook my head at her.

"Go now, you've had your fun." Adam shooed her away after giving her a side hug. She waved us goodbye before she disappeared from our field of vision.

My hands were going a bit numb from the cold, despite being buried in my pockets. "Ah, I almost forgot." I retrived the slender velvet case out, handing it to Adam who had a confused look on his face.

"What?" He looked at the box for a couple seconds and back at me. "I gave that to you as an apology and thanks. Why are you giving it back?"

"Someone told me it's bad manners to not accept gifts offered sincerely." I looked at the expensive brown case he'd given me in the library when he asked for help. "But even so, I can't accept this."

Adam shook his head. "That person was right. You should accept it. I'm not taking it back."

I sighed, opening it and looking at the bracelet. I'm not well versed in jewellery but I've seen Em and Maddie's collections, and considering this guy's background, I'm pretty sure that's a real gold and ruby bracelet. It was altogether ridiculous to receive something like this as an apology. I looked at him seriously. "You didn't know the first thing about me when you decided to give me this."

He looked completely confused. "Not really. How is that a problem?"

"Do you habitually give out these as a form of apology?" I snapped the case shut, feeling annoyed for some reason.

His brows scrunched, likely from annoyance. It showed in his voice. "That's not it. Why don't you just accept it? It's not that big of a deal. And can we please get in the car? It's freezing out here."

I shook my head. "Thank you but I'll take the bus. I also don't accept your gift."

"Oh for fu- He took a deep breath as if to calm down, kneading his forehead and looking to be at the end of his patience. "Can you at least not argue about me driving you back? That's the least I can do. My car is right here. It's freezing outside and it's too late you'll probably miss the last bus. It just makes sense to let me drive you, no? I'm not doing it as an apology or a thank you. Can we agree on this much?" He opened the passenger door for me, giving me a look of someone who is ready to drag this on as long as I put up a fight. I rolled my eyes and got inside, taking a calming breath as he rounded the car and settled in his seat, asking for my address.

I crossed my arms and refused to talk during the ride, feeling incredibly annoyed and put off. I've never been so infuriated by someone so easily in awhile. It truly must be a god given talent of his.

"Are you giving me the silent treatment now?" He turned to me when we stopped at a red light for the fourth time. "You really like to make things hard for me, don't you?"

"Excuse me?" The audacity of this guy.

"Well you're not happy if I'm rude, not happy if I'm nice. I don't even know how to talk to you without setting you off." He said blatantly then looked ahead again for the green.

I scoffed in disbelief. "Don't act like we're friends all of a sudden." I muttered. "You don't need to thank me or be nice. I told you I didn't do it for your sake." I put the brown velvet box in the glove compartment. "And especially don't gift me expensive stuff like you're paying me off for my services."

He didn't say anything for the rest of the ride. The silence was tense and suffocating. It grated on my nerves and made me second question myself more than I'd like to admit. So what if I was rude? What if I overreacted and said unnecessary things? It's not like I owe him anything. I helped Primrose and that's that.

"You." He started when he turned off the car. "I don't believe I gave you any reason to hate me this much."

I snapped my eyes to him in an instant. "I don't hate you."

"Your words and behaviour says otherwise."

"I don't know you enough to have any such opinions about you." I looked out at the dark street.

"I wanted to apologize so I got the bracelet. It's not because I wanted to 'pay you off'. That was never my intention. I simply thought jewellery was a safe choice. I didn't mean anything by it. You don't have to feel offended or indebted." He sounded resigned for someone who seemed all fired up earlier.

I looked down at my lap. It didn't mean anything. I sighed. "A simple sorry would suffice." He turned to face me. "You don't buy expensive jewellery as a form of apology to someone you barely know. If you insist on giving them something then I don't know, buy them a drink, or send them a card or flowers- I stopped rambling. How is this any of my business again?

"I'm not used to it." He ran his fingers messily through his hair, admitting. "People I grew up with usually expect things like this. I've never thought of it as an issue."

"It's not an issue if they're close to you. It's wholly different otherwise. Even if you can afford it. Not everyone will see it as a gesture of goodwill."

"Okay, I get it." He nodded, tapping his fingers on the wheel. "How do I say thank you to you then?"

I looked at him curiously. This guy sure is bizzare. I don't know if he's truly clueless or pretending to be. I don't know if he's clever or naive. "Just say it. In fact, you don't even need to. I told you I wasn't helping you-

"But I was the one who approached you and asked you for a favor. Even if you did it for the sake of helping Prim, you wouldn't have known if not for me." He shook his head, looking up at me properly. "So thank you."

I was fixated on the sincerity on his face. He must really think I've done something extraordinary when really I barely put in any effort. I nodded in ackowledgement.

"And thank you for taking care of Prim all these years."