Battle of the Kinks

The three auras flashed with bright light, and then they condensed until each aura took on the shape of a person. A woman, to be more specific. Briggo, Kor, and Evanito were no longer alone on the battlefield. Each of them was now accompanied by a woman, and each woman was still glowing with her own unique aura.

"Those are some powerful Kinks," Dakota said. "I can feel it." He was standing next to me and Truck-chan, and the cat girls were right behind us. Everyone else was further back. The crowd was curious, but they were also very cautious about what was going to happen on the battlefield, so they kept their distance. I would have kept my distance too, but Dakota assured us that he would keep us safe.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Kinks are… women?"

"Chad Lass!" Briggo shouted. "Let's teach them a lesson." His Kink nodded and smirked. She was a tall and athletic woman with long orange hair that billowed in the wind. From a distance, her hair looked like a wild, raging flame. She was wearing a golden outfit that matched the color of Briggo's underwear, and the outfit itself looked like a tight tank-top that extended at the bottom to form some sort of tank-top dress. Below the dress she wore dark knee-high boots, and she carried a pair of brass knuckles in each of her hands.

"Yes," Dakota told me as Briggo's Kink began to jump from side to side and punch the air rapidly, as if she was warming up for a championship boxing match. "Each man's Kink is a manifestation of his innermost desires. It is only when you fully accept your desires that you can channel all of that immense energy into your Kink. The energy then takes the shape of your ideal woman, and that woman becomes your sworn guardian… your personal magical protector."

"Wow," Truck-chan said, although I wasn't sure if she understood any of that. I wasn't sure if I understood it, either. But we didn't have much time to think about it because the man named Kor spoke.

"Briggo, please, think about this rationally. There are two of us Kink users, and only one of you. You don't stand a chance. Just come with us peacefully and nobody needs to get hurt."

"NO!" the man named Evanito shouted. "It's too late now! We must PUNISH this jacked up simpleton for besmirching the name of Lord Nuxanor. No one defies Lord Nuxanor's wishes… NO ONE!" Evanito's Kink was a blue-skinned mermaid with gills. She had dark blue hair, a coral crown, and she held a silver trident. Her long fishtail stretched out on the ground before her. And if that wasn't strange enough, she seemed to be dressed like a human maid, complete with a skirt, apron, and long white gloves.

"MerMaid, go get him!" Evanito shrieked.

"No, Evan, wait," Kor said firmly. "Briggo deserves one more chance to make the right decision." Kor's Kink was a short girl with comically large eyes. She had a bright green dress and pigtails, and she looked like a character from a magical girl anime made in the 1990s. She carried an oversized pair of scissors in her hands, and her entire body appeared to be covered in glitter.

"DO YOUR WORST!" Briggo shouted. His Kink walked up to him and they both jumped into the air at the same time. The two warriors collided in an epic chest bump, and the force of their powerful chests coming together seemed to create a mini lightning strike. Briggo's Kink then broke into a series of one-handed push-ups and acrobatic flips as Briggo readied his sword.

"What is she doing?" Truck-chan asked.

"Each Kink has a special ability," Dakota replied. "It provides the user with an important advantage in battle. In the case of Chad Lass, Briggo's Kink, she becomes stronger the more pumped up she gets. If she gets pumped enough, she can generate enough friction to launch electric attacks at her opponents. Right now she's doing her best to get pumped before the battle begins."

"You sure know a lot about this, Mr. Innkeeper," Blair said from behind us.

Dakota nodded. "Long ago, I owned the biggest tavern in all of Twigoslavia. Briggo, Animak, and Nuxanor would stop by often, and we spent many nights drinking and laughing together. Things have changed now, but I will never forget the wonderful times we've had together."

"And those other two?" Blair asked.

"Kor and Evanito. We were all friends once, and we all worked for the betterment of Twigoslavia. Dozens of us Kink users banded together to build and protect the nation of Twigoslavia. But then the Great Incident occurred, and after that some of the Kink users decided to take sides. Kor and Evanito sided with Nuxanor, and now they serve as his faithful lackies. Those of us who refused to pick a side, like Briggo and myself, ended up out here in the Lawless Lands."

Up on the battlefield, Kor sighed and shook his head. "Well, we tried. You've only got yourself to blame, Lor D. Briggo."

"YEAH!" Evanito screamed. "Let's just kill him now!" His Kink began to move, positioning herself for an attack and aiming her trident in Briggo's direction.

"No," Kor cried out and turned towards his comrade. He seemed frustrated. "Evan, we've been through this. We can't kill him; we have to bring him back to Nuxturia alive. That's literally the whole mission. Bring him back alive. Those were Nuxanor's exact words."

Evanito's face twisted with rage. "Fine… but let's at least brutally beat him within an inch of his life. Hey, you hear that Briggo?! We're about to beat you silly, you pompous bag of ass!" Evanito turned to his Kink. "It's time, MerMaid!"

The mermaid Kink turned to her user and nodded. But in that moment Evanito squealed and looked away. "No, don't look at me, MerMaid! You're so gross... oh God, I'm gonna be sick."

Kor buried his face in his palms when he heard this. Briggo simply laughed as Chad Lass started doing backflips.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Oh, that's right," Dakota said. "Evanito is afraid of fish."

"Wait… what?"

"He has a phobia of fish, so he's actually deeply disturbed by his own Kink."

"You can't be serious," Blair said and chuckled. "That's actually hilarious."

"Humans are so weird," Truck-chan muttered.

"It might be hilarious," Dakota went on, "but it is also dangerous. Evanito's Kink has a special ability that allows her to get stronger whenever its user becomes anxious. The more freaked out Evanito gets, the stronger his Kink becomes. And believe me when I tell you that Evanito is easily upset."

Out on the battlefield, the time for talking had passed. Briggo's Kink started sprinting towards Kor while Briggo directed his sword at Evanito.

"Slice of Laifu," Kor said. "Cut!"

Kor's Kink seemed to disappear for just a moment, and when she reappeared she was suddenly right next to Chad Lass. Kor's Kink swung the giant pair of scissors at Chad Lass, but she managed to block the blade with one of her brass knuckles. Kor's Kink attacked again, swinging the scissors at Chad Lass, and Briggo's Kink continued to dodge by moving side to side and blocking with the brass knuckles. Sparks flew in all directions as the two warriors clashed over and over again.

"Whoa," Blair said. "What was that?"

"Incredible," Dakota answered. "Kor's Kink, Slice of Laifu, has amazing abilities. One of them is Cut, which allows it to cut the space between her and her opponent. Instead of traveling from one point to another, she can instantly appear in front of her target."

As Chad Lass and Slice of Laifu continued their high-speed battle on one end of the battlefield, Briggo was preparing to engage Evanito on the other.

"Just go," Evan said to his Kink without looking at it. "Use the trident or something."

MerMaid frowned. She was clearly upset with her own user, but she did as she was told. She used her massive fish tail to launch herself up into the air, and then she descended upon Briggo with her trident pointing square at him.

Briggo suddenly threw himself sideways. He dodged the trident by rolling on the ground, and then he tried to strike MerMaid with his sword. But MerMaid was fast and she quickly blocked the sword with her trident. The Kink was so powerful that the force of the trident sent Briggo flying backwards. But he landed on his feet, kicking up dust as he skidded to a stop. Briggo wasn't fazed, and he moved in for another attack.

"What are you doing Briggo," Dakota muttered. "No man can fight a Kink. You'll get yourself killed."

"So wait, could they actually die?" I asked. "This isn't really a fight to the death, is it? It's like a fantasy magic duel, right?"

Dakota shook his head. "No, this isn't some digital pocket monster card game, Birito. This is real. A Kink cannot die, but it can only sustain so much damage before it disappears. If that happens, its user will lose consciousness and the battle will end. At the same time, if the user loses consciousness while the Kink is still active, the Kink will disappear. So no, a Kink battle isn't always a battle to the death, but you never know. In battles where humans are foolish enough to take on a Kink, it's not uncommon for the human to die."

"WHAT?!" Truck-chan cried. "Sir Briggo could be killed?! No, please, stop this!"

"I wish I could," Dakota said and sighed. "But Briggo is too proud to listen to reason. He will never back down from a fight, even if it kills him."

Back on the battlefield, Kor's Kink managed to land a blow against Chad Lass. Slice of Laifu was able to hit Chad Lass with the handle of her scissor-esque weapon, and as Chad Lass lost her footing, Slice of Laifu pressed her advantage. She cut Chad Lass with one of the two scissor blades, and there was now a visible horizontal cut across Chad Lass's abdomen. Instead of blood, a thick silver liquid was flowing from the wound.

It wasn't looking good for Briggo either. He was trying to maneuver his way around MerMaid in order to get closer to its user, but the Kink was clearly stronger and Briggo was on the defensive. Briggo must have realized that he couldn't defeat a Kink on his own, so he was trying to get to Evanito and take him out first. If what Dakota said was true, all Briggo had to do was knock out Evanito, and then MerMaid would disappear. But that was much easier said than done. MerMaid was fast and powerful, and Briggo was struggling to keep up.

Meanwhile across the battlefield, Slice of Laifu and Chad Lass were still fighting fiercely. I noticed that something was different though. Each time Chad Lass's punches made contact with Slice of Laifu, more and more sparks seemed to shoot out from her brass knuckles. Dakota was right; the more Chad Lass fought, the more friction she was generating.

"Slice of Laifu," Kor called out. "It's time to end this. SPLICE!" The moe Kink nodded and opened her scissors wide. Then she propelled herself off the ground with a powerful jump and rushed straight at Chad Lass. With the scissor blades pointing at Chad Lass and approaching quickly, it looked like Slice of Laifu was about to cut the other Kink in half.

Chad Lass suddenly smashed her fists together and the two pairs of brass knuckles collided. As soon as this happened, massive sparks flew everywhere and for a moment it was too bright to see anything. Then, a second later, Slice of Laifu arrived and made her cut. However, she ended up cutting nothing but air. In the confusion of the flying sparks and the blinding light, Chad Lass had moved out of the way of Slice of Laifu's attack. Then, as Kor's Kink tried to find her bearings, Chad Lass emerged from within the storm of sparks and delivered a massive punch right to Slice of Laifu's face.

Sparks exploded again as the electricity-infused punch sent Slice of Laifu flying. The moe Kink spun in the air, then dropped to the ground and rolled across the battlefield. The force of the impact sent her so far that she ended up back at Kor's feet.

"Damn it," Kor cursed as Chad Lass held both fists in the air.

"CHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Briggo's Kink was actually laughing, and her mighty voice roared across the battlefield.

"I guess it's time," Briggo said with a smirk. MerMaid moved on him again, but he managed to dodge the trident, although just barely.

"Enough of this, MerMaid," Evanito shouted. "Use that disgusting attack, and then finish him off."

The Kink looked at its user with a confused expression.

"Oh, you know, the piranha thing. Just hurry up and let me know when it's done. I can't bear to watch." Evanito turned away as the clearly agitated Kink shook her head and then turned back to Briggo. She opened her mouth wide ─ unnaturally wide ─ and then, suddenly, a bunch of vicious piranhas flew out of her mouth and rushed towards Briggo.

I expected Briggo to dodge the flying creatures, or to at least try to fight them off with his sword, but he did neither. Instead, he simply turned his back and allowed the fish to sink their sharp teeth into his flesh.

"What are you doing, Briggo?!" Dakota shouted.

"OH NO!" Truck-chan screamed. "Those nasty fish are biting his skin!" And it was true, Briggo just stood there with his back to MerMaid as half a dozen piranhas hung to his back and ripped into his skin. Instead of facing MerMaid, Briggo's was looking directly at his own Kink, and for some reason he was holding out his sword towards Chad Lass. His back was bleeding and the pain must have been terrible, but Briggo didn't move and his expression didn't change.

He should have just kept his freaking armor on, I thought, but I didn't say it out loud.

Slice of Laifu was back on her feet now, and she readied herself for another attack. She opened the scissor blades again and rushed at Chad Lass. But as he heard Chad Lass's roaring laugh and as he saw her fierce expression, Kor hesitated. The electricity that surged around Chad Lass's fists had now spread throughout her entire body, and it was clear that her next punch would be absolutely devastating.

The fear of that next punch clearly scared Kor, and instead of proceeding with his attack he called out "UNDO!" Slice of Laifu's attack stopped in its tracks before ever reaching Chad Lass, and Kor's Kink suddenly returned to the exact position she was in before the attack began.

"What an amazing ability," I said and Dakota nodded.

"In the real world, Kor was a professional video editor. He was also an enthusiast of cringy moe shows and slice of life Anime. His Kink, Slice of Laifu, is a reflection of that, and its powers are derived from video editing effects."

"That's incredible," I said. Kinks really are a fantastic magical ability.

Slice of Laifu was now too far away from Chad Lass for any punching attack to work, but that didn't seem to worry Briggo's Kink. On the other end of the battlefield, Briggo was still standing in place as the hungry piranhas continued to latch on to his massive back. MerMaid propelled herself off the ground with her tail, and she prepared to finish Briggo off with the trident.

But in that moment, Chad Lass turned towards Briggo, smashed her firsts together, and a localized electrical storm surged to life all around her. As her body billowed with electric energy, Chad Lass pushed her fists outward, towards Briggo. Suddenly, all of that electric power left Chad Lass and rushed towards her user. Right before MerMaid's trident made contact with his back, the electricity collided with Briggo's giant sword and the entire sword began to glow. Sparks erupted around the weapon and the piranhas fell off instantly, fried by their proximity to the electricity.

Still clutching the sword, Briggo jumped out of the way of MerMaid's attack.

The long trident pierced the ground, but Briggo was no longer standing there. Instead, Briggo was moving, and moving quickly. Before MerMaid had time to pull the trident from the ground, Briggo slashed at her torso with his electrified sword. A storm of sparks exploded on impact, and MerMaid was blown sideways. She collapsed to the ground, and then she just lay there, still twitching from the electric shock. Briggo wasted no time. He rushed towards Evanito, who was still barely watching what was happening. Evanito had one hand over his eyes throughout the entire fight, and he only peaked out through his fingers every once in a while.

"EVAN!" Kor screamed, trying to get his comrade's attention, but it was too late. Briggo had already arrived.

As Evanito opened his eyes, he saw Briggo's massive frame standing over him. Briggo's right hand was raised high above him, still gripping the sword. It appeared as if Briggo was about to strike Evanito down with his gigantic weapon, and Evanito screamed and cowered in fear.

"No, Briggo! Please, don't do it!"

But instead of bringing his sword down upon Evanito, Briggo merely slapped him across the face with his other hand. We all heard a distinct SMACK as Evanito spun around in a 360-degree twirl before collapsing to the ground. He must have lost consciousness instantly, because in that very moment MerMaid disappeared.

"Damn it, Evan!" Kor screamed. Chad Lass now looked more pumped up than ever, and she began sprinting in Kor's direction. Briggo too was still full of energy, and he also rushed towards Kor. The two warriors were approaching Kor and his Kink from two different directions, and they were closing in rapidly.

Visibly scared, Kor said something to his Kink. He said it so softly that no one else could hear. Then he called out: "Dip to White!"

The sparkles on Slice of Laifu's body intensified in brightness until her entire body shone with a blinding white light. We all had to turn away ─ the light was too strong. When we looked back, Slice of Laifu had used everyone's momentary blindness to grab Kor and place him over one of her shoulders, then she disappeared.

She suddenly appeared next to where Evanito had been standing. She grabbed Evanito's motionless body, placed it over her other shoulder, and disappeared again. We could see her appearing and disappearing over and over again, carrying the two men over her shoulders, but each time she appeared she was further away from the battlefield. Kor and his Kink were running away.

The battle was over.

Briggo had won.