12 In the Morning Light

Adam stepped outside the cottage and had to admit that the morning was beautiful. May was his favorite month, like most Poles. Nature bursting with life, greenery as juicy as in the tropics, birds singing and meadows covered with a white carpet of daisies were undoubtedly assets in favor of this month. Plus cool, invigorating mornings, dew on the grass, sun that rises earlier and earlier... The list could go on and on, especially in the countryside, where you can not only see but also feel it on your skin.

This morning was the best example of that. Adam was walking along the path leading to the road and over his head birds were singing, chestnuts and lilacs were blooming. The lake sparkled with blue and gold of the sun reflected in its surface. As he walked toward the hotel (he estimated it would take him about five or seven minutes), he decided that he had not seen a more beautiful morning in a very long time.

His mood got a little worse when he saw Piotr's car in the parking lot. He would recognize this Matiz anywhere, because it was a gift that Piotr received from his parents when he became a priest. The car was already old and had been bought used, so it didn't cost much, although after replacing a few small things it worked great. His parents wanted to buy something new and expensive for the only priest in the family (they had been saving for this purpose all through the seminary, after all, they would not give their son a wedding), but Piotr embraced them and refused, saying that such excesses were not befitting a priest. He asked his parents to use the remaining money to go together on a trip to Jerusalem.

This is exactly how Piotr was - never for himself, always for someone else - and now he must have been worried about him when he found out that he had not returned for the night. Maybe at least he hadn't called the police...

Adam cursed under his breath, angry but at himself. He was tormented by remorse for worrying his best friend again. After all, Piotr had the right to suspect the worst.

At least he would be relieved to see him whole and healthy.

It was he, however, who spotted him first. He was talking to some man dressed in a checkered flannel shirt. The man had his sleeves rolled up and the shirt was worn like a sweatshirt over a t-shirt with the name of a metal band on it. His face was covered with several days of stubble and his dark, almost black hair was in a slight, natural disarray. The closer the two of them got, the more Adam was sure that this was his night companion. He wished it was, because with each step he saw the man's features more clearly, and he wasn't the least bit disappointed.

The man spotted him and raised his hand in a welcoming gesture. At that moment Piotr raised his head and looked straight at Adam. Instead of relief, Adam saw confusion in his face.

Lechoń felt like a teenager caught by his older brother doing good to himself. Seemingly everyone was doing the same thing, yet he blushed. How much did Piotr know? It was not, after all, that Adam's inclinations were news to him. But it was one thing to have a steady partner and live as a married couple and another to have a one-time fling. After all, as a priest, Piotr had to uphold morality.

Fortunately, he was first of all his friend, not a priest.

“Hello” greeted Adam and rang his keys. “Catch.”

Hubert had good reflexes. The keys immediately disappeared into his pocket.

“Well, I like this face” he announced. “Isn't it true that your cousin looks better than yesterday?” he turned to Piotr.

“Indeed, you look better” he admitted, or maybe asked? Lechoń wasn't sure, so he confirmed just in case.

“Yes. I finally got some sleep. Sorry, you must have been worried.”

“No problem. Hubert explained that I had no reason to worry.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, now that you've seen with your own eyes that Adam is safe and sound, I'm going back to my work. See you!” Hubert sent Lechoń an ambiguous but appealing smile-promise causing him a pleasant shiver of excitement. Maybe today too...

He was brought back to reality by Piotr's look, strange, because more embarrassed than one could expect from him.

“Do you know each other well?” Adam asked. He did not really know what to say in such a situation, after all, he was talking to a priest.

“You could say that” admitted Piotr reluctantly. “We are both outsiders here.”

“He's not from here, or rather...”

“He came a few months ago to build a hotel. As for this other, more private matter, I don't think anyone around here knows.”

“Except you," Adam remarked.

“Yes, except me.”

“Inferring from the fact that you are just now talking to me about it, it was not a secret confession.”

“It wasn't," he admitted, still clearly embarrassed.

It would be better not to pursue the subject, if Piotr so strongly denied it. His cousin was, after all, an honest man of principle, although those principles - despite the fact that he was a priest - might not appeal to everyone.

Adam sighed. But maybe Piotr is more unhappy that his cousin slept with Hubert than he'd like to admit? Maybe knowing someone is gay and see it are two completely different things?

“Look, I didn't plan this...”

“I know, it's him," Piotr sighed. “I'm sorry, but I mentioned you to him. I was worried, and he lives close by and has a view of the hotel... I'm sorry, I didn't think you two would end up like this.”

So... Hubert had approached him at Piotr's request, only the naive young priest hadn't anticipated that the intimacy might turn out to be so intimate?

Adam felt a taste of distaste in his mouth. He didn't know which of them he was more angry at, Piotr, who out of overprotectiveness had chattered about him to strangers, or Hubert, who had taken advantage of Adam's weakness to have fun. Let's hope he has fun!

“You know, it's not like the world collapsed," he commented sarcastically. “I just let myself get my ass plowed over. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm busy…”

He already knew that he had treated his cousin too harshly when he said these words, but he wanted to be cruel on purpose. All the pleasure of the morning faded and he landed again in the land of loneliness, exploitation and abandonment. He knew that those few harsh words were not even a substitute for what he himself was experiencing, but he wanted Piotr to feel even that much. He really wanted to hurt him.

He was angry. Hurt. How could Piotr tell a complete stranger about him? Granted, he hadn't confided in him under the secrecy of confession, but there was probably decency somewhere between friends and between family. Or at least there should be.

“Adam, wait!”

“Back off, or I'm gonna blow your brains out!”

“I know, I did wrong, but...”

“Shut the fuck up and leave me alone!”

That stopped Piotr. He didn't follow him to the hotel.

Adam rushed into the room like a storm and started packing. However, he had only thrown a few things into his bag when he stopped. He realized that he didn't really know what to do. He knew he would have to return to Warsaw to confront the Kwiecień case, but he wasn't ready to do that yet. He was shaken, too emotional, unstable. He himself knew best how unstable he was at this point because he knew himself and this was not the first time. He may not have wanted to commit suicide, but yesterday's adventure proved that he wasn't holding on life to tight either.

Yesterday's adventure, fuck!

Adam, angry as hell, gritted his teeth.

He's going to pack up and leave, only where? Will he go back to his apartment where he'll lock himself in fear of the journalists he wasn't able to face? Will he change to some other hotel at the risk of being recognized and having to endure their stares or even their questions?

He simply had no safe place to go.