The rap to rule them all

(Rick POV)

I look at my trophy collection in my base and take a moment to ponder. I think about my life and what it truly means to be ... so unbelievably amazing like me. What does this mean for the galaxy and for the universe as a whole? Is there even a way to balance it out? Am I making it too easy for myself? Am I lacking a weight on my leg, to make me annoyed and excited simultaneously? 

Do I need a Morty? 

...

Eh, who cares?! I'm Megarachnid Primarch Rick!!! Buckle up, grim dark galaxy, 'cause I'm here. The chaos to your chaos has arrived, and I'm here to stay ... until I'm bored and dip. 

But seriously, I have thought of another idea for this third chapter. We can't have me plough through insects all the time ... can we? Eh, we'll get enough of that, I'm sure. So, change of plans. I'm thinking something hard, something flashy, something ... stupid.

Paintball gun with fart ammo that melts armour? No, it's too easy again. I'm not fond of the masks much. 

The unbreakable toothbrush to make Jonny Wick look like a fool? Hold that thought. It has potential.

The tickling gun? To cause everyone to die from laughter ... literally? Might be worth a shot. I'll look into that. 

Pokemon balls? Now, that is an idea. But that would mean using the quantum entanglement and practical use of the ... hmm, too complicated. On the other hand, is that exactly my thing? No, I think there's something better. 

Oh, yes. That would work. 

.

I enter the lab garage again. I thought about making something pompous but then just ignored that. Why make things nice when they work hideously? It makes the enemies more depressed when they see you seemingly beating them with trash technology. Little do they know that my trash is better than their treasure. Besides, I have to work with what I have here. I'm not complaining, though; it's been fun up to this point. And it's about to be even more fun. 

I put the final touches on this and that and then add a little bit of this as well. Oh, this will be amazing. Through the power of love—love for music, that is. This will make the Pied Piper from Hameln look like an amateur. Yeah, it's a German saga. 

Of course, there has to be a modern touch and a touch of Rick added into the mix as well. No way am I walking around with a flute; that's not my style. 

Over the years of staying on planet Urisarach, I have been upgrading the Megarachnid Rick look and improving my suit as much as possible. I mean, using it is like crushing ants at this point. There is no challenge anymore. I caught some Sandfish and Bryne and analysed their DNA and biology to see what made them special. I replicated the Sandfish's ability to consume biomass and process it into stone and sand. After that, I added a nifty mechanism to the Megarachnid Rick suit and could do the same. Then, I reversed the process and now have a method to turn rock into biomass. Elementary, really.

The Bryne are just overgrown crabs that have developed some technology. Their bigger biome makes them a player, but that won't save them. They are the weakest faction but could win if they stopped being idiots and used their water more effectively. However, the poisoning is quite severe at this point, though the outcome of this war is simple. 

The original three fronts have become four and will shortly become three again. This is not because I will drop out of the fight; on the contrary, I have the perfect plan to reduce the numbers. 

I finish everything up and then load it onto my ship. After stuffing everything in, I finally leave. 

[The idea is from the book: A Different Batman. Props to him, and I hope he continues his story.]

I enter the spaceship I created myself. Since starting my research, I have mastered using biological tools and creating biotechnology. The spaceship is no different. I know that using minerals and metals for building might be smarter or faster, but when has that ever mattered to me? The fact that it is harder or less effective just makes me want to do it more and prove that it's just as good in 'capable' hands.

I start the power of my spaceship and listen to the motor humming to life. I have already created dark matter as fuel, and I have to say that I am certain there is nothing as powerful in this galaxy. I can't be certain, though, so we'll see, I guess. The secret door opens, and I shoot into the sky, rising higher and looking down at the planet I landed on. Who would have thought that I would be here at this time? I mean, I was never going to be 'under' someone or allow someone to 'adopt' me in any shape or form. So, this might not have been such a bad start after all. 

I fly towards the main area of the Megarachnids and just hover in the air. This is the main event. I press the button, and my spaceship starts to open up, revealing a couple of large speakers that I will use right now. But first, I have to get their attention. 

*Beep*

Another button opens a hatch, revealing a set of large speakers connected to a cable and a microphone. It is time to take this show on the road. 

.

*Bup bup*

I tap the microphone to see if it works and then smile. 

"HELLO HELLO HELLO ... WELCOME FEMALE AND MALE ARACHNIDS TO THE RICK SHOW. WE ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER, SO NO INTRODUCTIONS ARE NECESSARY. I AM HERE TO DO ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY: TO DOMINATE YOU ALL AND SHOW YOU WHY ARACHNIDS ARE NOT MEANT TO STAND UP TO HUMANS, ESPECIALLY NOT ME. THAT MIGHT SOUND RACIST, AND IT IS, SO WELCOME TO THE 31ST MILLENNIUM OR WHATEVER IT IS RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ANGRY AT MY DECLARATION, BUT TO SHOWCASE HOW PATHETIC I FIND YOU, I HAVE BROUGHT YOU ALL A PRESENT AND WILL RAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. ENJOYYY!"

The Megarachnids have already started to appear and are in the process of trying to get me down or come up to me. I see the large ones already slowly coming closer, and most of them are preparing to kill me. How ironic that a race of large arachnids could be so advanced to feel actual negative emotions towards me and to plan how to get rid of me. Too bad for them; I came prepared today. 

*Boom pff Baboom pff*

The music starts to play, and I begin doing my thing.

"Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years,

Creepin' with spiders, ignitin' your fears.

I'm rockin' my peers, puttin' suckers in fear,

Eight legs deep, now the takeover's here ..."

I get into the zone and start to dance as I rap. If you don't enjoy what you do, it's labour and I don't do work.

"Step in the room, shadows start to loom,

Arachnids on the move, but they'll meet their doom..."

The sound spreads through the lands and reaches all of the Megarachnids. Despite not being bees, they stop buzzing around and look in my direction. I can tell that the process has already begun.

"...You will dance to my tune, hear the bass go boom,

I'm the king of the web, no escape from the gloom..."

The Megarachnids are becoming increasingly anxious and trying to hurry up their efforts. It seems they have a prediction about what is happening. Let's see them do it. 

"Spinning your fate, yeah, I'm sealing it tight,

Caught in my web, now you're stuck in the night."

Finally, the effects started to take effect, and some of the weaker Megarachnids and the younger ones stopped moving altogether and looked up to me. The stronger and older ones are in a state of panic, trying to get away or use their weapons to kill me as fast as possible. Too bad for them, they never stood a chance.

"I got 'em wrapped up, feel the tension rise,

Command the arachnids, got 'em hypnotised.

Don't need a comeback, I've always been strong,

Webs gettin' thicker, now I'm takin' the throng.

Weaving my words, I'm controlling your state,

Once I drop this beat, I'm yo master of fate!"

*BOOM*

I drop the mic and spread my arms. Haha, this is so funny. I look around and see the various states of the Megarachnids as they stop moving and look at me, awaiting my orders. That's right. The easiest way to remove one army from the equation is to take it over completely. Today, the four-way war has turned into a three-way one. I just took over the winning side right now without so much as one death. If that's not cool, I don't know what it is. It doesn't fit the 40k theme, but why should I care? This is but the beginning of my reign of terror on the Ruinious Powers and all other arrogant races in the galaxy. 

In the Grim Dark of the 31st Millennium, all the way to the 41st one, there is only one way to win, and that's with humour. That is why the Orks have already won and why everyone else will never win ... except me. 

.

The takeover has been flawless. Having hundreds of thousands of Megarachnids do what you want has advantages. I changed their entire command structure and decided to train some of them in guerilla warfare. They would be the first undercover group, moving deep within enemy territory and then using the weapons I created to fight back the advancing desert. The bio-converter bomb is the weaponised process I created, where I use the skill of the Sandfish against themselves and turn the sand into biomass to restrict their movement. 

Then, I created a heavy infantry unit. They would be responsible for moving forward and eliminating all opposition. Among them were specialised troops. One troop would be responsible for surveillance and warning the bulk of the army about incoming units and dangers. Another would take care of the environment and change surroundings to suit our advancement. What the guerilla group did with fast bombs was that they did it slowly and systematically. 

Finally, there were the Megarachbombers. Yeah, that's what they're called. They are the heavy bombers that would bomb the shit out of anyone who arrived in front of them. I upgraded their pallet of bombs and weapons and integrated them with those bombs to allow for kamikaze tactics. This special group of Megarachnids were very quick to reproduce, but they were weak and stupid. I engineered them to have literal bombshells ... or bomb carcasses. It was in their genetic information to die in an explosion. How glorious it was. 

So, after taking care of the logistics, which I tried at first but then stopped, I sent them on their warpath. The conquest for world domination had begun, and I was in a backseat, watching everything unfold. 

The Sandfish don't stand a chance this way, and I can either wait and let the Bryne die of poisoning or actively kill them. It depends on my mood, I suppose. What's certain is that even with all their troops attacking, they no longer stand a chance. So, I might as well sit back and relax while I think about my next move and project. The Citadel might be an interesting idea.