Megarachnid Rick

(Rick POV)

Life has a strange sense of humour. To live is to risk it all; otherwise, you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. And that won't be good because the universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them. But I'm not an idiot, I'm the smartest motherfucker this universe has ever seen. Oh, you don't believe me? You think the Necrons are smarter because they have technology that might as well be reality manipulation? You think the Old Ones were smart? 

Pfft, please. Hold my fucking beer.

The Warp and its unexceptional hobos living there flung me on the planet Urisarach which at this point in time is infested with Xenos species that want to kill all the others and take over. Three factions are the strongest right now. The Megarachnids, live on land and the forest biome. They have the best chance to win at the moment, because the way things are going, the oceans will soon be an uninhabitable sludge of poison and disease.

Then there is the Sandfish. I called them sharks which is not exactly correct since they have different varieties of predators and some look eerily similar to dinosaurs, just like the Megarachnid has a variety of their own species. The special thing about the Sandfish is that they can phase through the sand while still keeping full control over their movement. Their strength lies in their biology and their size. From what I managed to gather, they apparently consume stones, dirt, and even wood, which they excrete as sand. They do consume meat, especially after killing other Xenos, but it doesn't have to be that way. This makes them dangerous, as they push the sand wastes forward and threaten the natural biome of the Megarachnids. 

Finally, we have the Bryne, which are chaos-evolved crabs. Yeah, just crabs. They follow some Aquaman-level BS, meaning they have a king who commands them and is an evolved form of a crab. Yeah, seems like the author had a blackout there. But that's the way it is. So the crabs, the spiders and the fish are basically fighting a three-way war to decide who gets to dominate this planet in the end. And honestly, I'm all for it. I just turned this three-way war into a four-way one. Because I can fight this thing on my own. Let's hope Pop-pop doesn't find me too soon. 

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I look at my creation. It took far too long to create this thing. About a week of work, cutting down trees and collecting material ... abysmal. But this stupid small body just wasn't helping me, which is why I am doing this in the first place. 

[Picture]

Now, I am finished and looking at the product. It could be better ... far better, but it is what it is. I created this for one reason only: to hunt down and capture a Megarachnid. The trap is already prepared and I only need to get this over with. I will have to deal with this small size the only way I know how. By doing something outrageous. It just feels right. 

I enter and start this baby. I move to the section of the forest, where I have laid out the trap for the Megarachnid and am ready to go through with it. Any moment now, the sucker will arrive and give me what I want. 

...

The time passes but suddenly I hear the sound I am looking for. The strange clicking sounds from the sharp teeth of the Megarachnid. I wait for it to get into the right position and then let myself fall on top of it. 

*Snap*

The multitude of traps are set off. Three large tree trunks shoot down and are about to hit it. The first one doesn't hit, but the second one hits it square in the face and the third one right in the stomach. But the body of the Megarachnid is very tough, leaving it angry but not hurt. The surprise attack worked, so I go over to phase 2. 

A series of purple balls roll under the Megarachnid's body and explode, causing green smoke to rise and surround it, while I get into position. I run forward and then punch the Megarachnid's legs one after the other, causing it to buckle and lose its balance. With a mighty upper cut, I punch the shit out of the Megarachnid and manage to do quite a bit of damage. 

*BOOOM*

But the fight is not over yet. I can feel the anger of the Megaracnid growing, while the damage is still minimal. But we can change that. I cut a rope, I prepared beforehand and set off a series of linens that wrap around the body of the Megarachnid all over and stop it from moving anymore. And now for the final finish. The floor disappears underneath the creature and reveals a very large hole with a depth of at least 350 feet.

"Screee"

The fucker screams as it falls into the darkness and finally hits the ground with a loud thud. I know that by this point it is about to tap out. But good ol' Rick has a final surprise for it. I grab the large boulder and send it down.

"Enjoy it!"

*BOOOM*

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"Digging up this fucker and dragging him back is more work than preparing the entire trap. I wonder what their bodies are made of if they weigh this much."

I finally manage to drag the Megarachnid back to my temporary base. The size makes it hard to work with, but it is all right now. I have prepared everything and only need to get everything started. I had to drown the creature to kill it because my tools weren't sufficient yet. But that will change soon enough. 

I set the creature down and get to work. I use the razor-sharp metallic pincer to cut through the neck and reveal the interior. The blood is grey and their flesh is pink. Interesting. I move the head towards the contraption and set it on the pedestal. After that, I move towards the spot I marked for myself and watch as the contraption gets to work. 

The body is lifted off the ground and the metallic pincer is used to cut open the body of the Megarachnid. I am lifted off the ground and placed inside the large head of the creature after its brain has been taken out. The brain is then connected through a series of nerve bundles, I created myself to attack it to my brain. After this, the head is closed off, while allowing air to enter and exit through the normal way. The same way the Megarachnid breathes. 

The body is mostly gutted and only the most important things remain. The body is then stuffed with some tools I need and then closed off again. The neck is reattached and closed off. I open my eyes and notice that I can indeed see differently than before. I see the heat of things and have some kind of echolocation as well. I take a first step and stumble, but that's natural. Walking with four legs has to be learned. 

I take a few minutes to get the hang of this and then start my next journey. This was but the beginning, I'm Megarachnid Rick!

Now, it's time to hunt. 

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I move through the trees in silence. Moving with four legs is more enjoyable than I would have expected and there are just so many things I can do while I wait. The metallic pincers are the perfect weapons for close quarters. I am about to go on a killing spree and stack up on the materials I might need. I said that I would be the fourth party in this three-way war and that I would win this. 

*Click click click*

There it is, the clicking sound that means something. I don't understand their language fully yet, but I can tell that it's some form of identification. I try to replicate it but it doesn't work out very well. 

*Swoosh*

Before they can question me, I slash at one of their necks. The grey blood splashes out of the wound and I duck underneath the attack coming from the second one. The third one manages to hit me though and slashes at my side. This shitface. I open 'my mouth' and three balls of acid bombs shoot out, hitting the Megarachnids in the face and starting to melt their flesh off. 

*SCRREEEE*

They make horrendous sounds as the acid takes effect. Their carapace might be metallic, but there is still skin and biological material that can be dissolved using the acid. I use this chance and slice them all up for good, killing them once and for all. Now, I have material to use for augmentation. It is time for an upgrade. 

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- Several weeks later -

So I may have gone a bit overboard. The material of the Megarachnid's metal exoskeleton was just too good to pass up and not research. I spent some time going over all the details and finding out what made them special and found a very interesting detail. The metal exoskeleton was not actually metal, it was biological but it had metal properties that made it so hard. The older the Megarachnid was, the more powerful the armour became. I started to really go ham and hunt the Megarachnids of all sizes and then skinned those batards to rework the metal exoskeleton into something special. 

I began to augment the Megarachnid I was using as a means of transportation and fighting. But soon, it just got old and bad. The smell was unpleasant and it was hard to get in and out of my fleshy suit all the time. So another approach had to be taken. I started to expand on the base and make it more secure against the Megarachnids and other intruders of any kind. Then I began to mould the exoskeleton into something I wanted. A new Megarachnid suit if you will. 

After working on it for a few weeks and harvesting more materials from other creatures, I have finished my newest creation. 

[Picture]

I admit, I went a bit overboard and shot past the goal, but hey bigger is always better. This beauty is very close to actually becoming a fully operational tank which uses electricity and already has operational weapons systems. We are no longer using mere metallic pincers for melee combat. I'm talking biocharged lasers and canons that fire gas bombs and also flammable ones. This thing can crawl through any terrain, except water and the sand where the Sandfish live. But that will be covered in the future. 

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I move out to scout the surroundings a bit and look for some material I could use. I have spent long enough using biological resources to create this bad boy, now we might as well start excavating some minerals and raw metals to process and improve this mecha-kaiju or whatever it should be called. 

*beep beep beep*

*BOOOM*

"SCEEEEE"

A large foot appears and almost crushes me if I wasn't fast enough. It looks like the Megarachnids managed to find me and have deducted that I was the one killing off their members. And they don't look happy. 

They brought an entire gang of them as well. I can see Megarachnids that have wings, and the ability to spin silk and spit cement, and even the enormous Megarachnid is back. 

"I accept your surrender."

I dodge an incoming spit of cement from the special Megarachnid and move to the right. I bob and weave through the battlefield and around the large leg of the giant Megarachnid. I use everything to my advantage and then start to go on the advantage. I fire my biologically charged plasma weapon and fire through five Megarachnids, cutting them in half. Several of the acid grenades shoot through the sky and explode hurting them further. 

Specially created large battle knives, the size of the metallic pincers appear and I start to slash my way through them. I slice and dice them all to bits, killing them in gruesome ways. 

"Oh man, I love myself."