Understandably, This Is Terrible. (21.3)

…

Relationships are the finest ruses. They justify everyone working alongside one another. Whether that another was society, your family, or those in your immediate vicinity, relationships provide the justification for someone to do something not for themselves. Since the government makes roads, provides plumbing, and peace, you pay taxes. The government continues and you enjoy your luxuries. Because your mother and father brought you into the world, you do your best to not make them ashamed of doing so. You go on to do your best and live under their roof until you manage to move out. Siblings are your closest strangers, those who you know the most and the least about. You're best friends because you have to be. Relationships bind society together, make it work, and let the world trundle onward.

However, while most relationships enjoyed such clarity, complications arose.

Acquaintances tolerate one another. Rivals work against one another. Classmates help each other study. Enemies fight one another. Teachers teach students. People live. Coworkers move towards a common goal. Allies work together. I can go on and on. There are many relationships that make sense. However, in the end, certain relationships are far more difficult to comprehend. What are friends supposed to do with one another? What are lovers supposed to do? How does "care" muddle up the simple doctrine of mutual aid? How does the simple lack of blood relations turn everything upside the head?

Yes, "care."

I would have to be an idiot to not see what was right in front of me. All my students cared about me. Crozzo cared. Lyon cared. Alf cared. I didn't know how or why, but someway and somehow, I found myself surrounded by people who cared about me. I would be the biggest liar in the world if I said that what they felt didn't matter to me. If I hadn't cared about them, any of them, I wouldn't have thrown myself into protecting them after… after Laulos died. I wouldn't have started an industry designed to throw body after body into the Dungeon to slowly grind it down into paste if I didn't care for them too.

I promised to myself, Yuigahama Yui, and Yukinoshita Yukino that I wouldn't lie to myself and pretend that something isn't what it is. That day, as nothing more than a high school student, I'd decided that I would choose to look for the truth, even if a lie was more comfortable. While I was fine with being less than people better than me, I wasn't about to regress and be less than the person I used to be.

So, in essence, though I didn't want to admit it, I wasn't the same person with the same goals as I was half a year ago.

…

The room was simple and bare. Just a few tables and some cabinets in the corner. It was the spring's staff room. Alf asked if she could borrow it. Being normal people, the staff let the Level 6 Elf do as she wanted and wisely fled. Now, I was seated at a table while two Elves were before me and blocking the way to the door. There were no windows and I was sure that I'd regret trying to run through a wall.

"I kissed you and you kissed me back." Lyon stated with arms crossed. Her eyes were firmly on me. I could tell she was waiting to intercept my movements. The hand she had on the staff I'd bought her promised that the punishment for doing so would be severe. There was no mercy or humor in her eyes. Just anger. I understood why, but I couldn't meet her gaze. "Yet you avoid me and lead me on wild chases across the city."

"I freely gave you a spell worth a tremendous fortune and proposed furthering our relations." Alf declared whilst seated. Somehow, she was treating a chair like a throne. Try as I might to muster a joke about her pedigree, I couldn't manage to say anything. There was no room for humor. Her features were of carved porcelain and there was no denying how she thought of me for the moment. "Still, you're here with the blatant intent to avoid me, despite what I've done for you."

Their gazes met.

Some animosity was present, but they had an accord.

I understood, because I was the cause of said accord.

"What exactly are your intentions towards us, Hikigaya-kun? Do you see us as friends? Potential lovers?" Lyon allowed Alf to speak for her. The Elven Mage placed her hands on the table between the two of us, her back not bending in the slightest. "Because, even if you only did see us as the former, your current actions now suggest otherwise. You are running away, trying to avoid us, and we all know that you are not a coward incapable of properly turning down a woman."

Because, even if I tried to play this off as some sort of comedy skit, to try and convince myself this wasn't serious, I couldn't while they looked at me with hurt and anger in their eyes. They were in the right here. What I did, trying to avoid them, wasn't right. They'd confessed, stated their intentions, and decided to act, yet I'd treated them both as jokes. I tried to ignore what was in front of me in favor of what I could accept.

"One moment you're accepting, the next you're nowhere to be found." Lyon spoke this time. The Elven Rogue spoke more carefully than I'd ever heard her. I couldn't pretend that I didn't hear the tremble in her voice, or how tightly her hands wrung around the weapon I'd given her. This was my fault. My decision to avoid her could only be seen in a single way. Trust and understanding could go far, but not when you found yourself avoided. I should've told myself that, especially when I'd had the same done to me long ago. "Hachiman, if you hold no interest in me beyond friendship, say so! I'm not some woman that needs to be coddled or treated like porcelain!" She wanted answers, even if she feared she wouldn't like them. "I.. I won't think any less of you as a friend if you have no affection for me. I won't have you extricate yourself from my life simply because you believe I cannot handle rejection."

Ryuu Lyon and Riviera Ljos Alf had both stated their intentions towards me. Lyon had implied her interest even before I went mad. Though Alf had only acted after the fact, after Lyon's declaration, wasn't that just someone's natural response? They were two individuals who wanted a deeper relationship with someone else. Still, the issue here wasn't what they'd done, but what I'd chosen to do and planned to do. In short, the two had confessed to me, and I had decided to try and avoid the situation. I'd tried to convince myself their actions were contrivances, that there was nothing earnest about their decisions, and that it was all for the sake of comedy.

I'd run away and, by doing so, I'd hurt them.

What could I say to them?

Logically, I knew that the best course of action would be to say that I wasn't interested in either of them. That would settle matters completely. They would get their answers, I would no longer have to run, and the situation would be settled. That choice fit into the plans I had. The plan to leave and return home. To reach the End, as the brightly burning reminder in my brain told me to do. Simply put, the best way to settle this situation was to reject the two of them, to say that I didn't see them as anything more than allies and friends, and continue walking the path that I had before me.

However, if I could do that, then I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

"Hikigaya-kun, say something. Don't stay silent." Alf pleaded. Pleaded. The princess of an entire nation, a woman with great pride and power, awaited my answer. Any urge to tease her for her words, any attempt of mine to turn this situation on its head, died swiftly. This was exactly why I couldn't follow the logical path. If I'd said any of those things, I knew that she'd be hurt. Not flustered, embarrassed, or hiding a smile, just plainly hurt by my decision. "This… whatever it is… cannot continue in our current circumstances."

"…" Lyon said nothing. It was the silence from her which caused me to finally look at her. I didn't see the person who'd I tried to replace Yukinoshita with, the waitress who I'd spoken to every day, or even the ally I'd gained. I saw a girl holding back words, waiting for a decision, trying her best to be willing to accept one of the two outcomes that she saw before her. Despite her own feelings and everything she did, she wasn't about to do anything that would complicate the decision before her. My decision. She looked away from me, her shoulders lowered, and pulled down her hood. "…Just answer, Hachiman."

The last time I was confronted with a dilemma such as this, where I couldn't find an answer and a way out, Hiratsuka Shizuka was there to help. My Sensei, in my time of troubles, told me that if there's a problem, one should find the root cause. In order to find said cause, one had to eliminate possibilities one by one. If a solution wasn't presented, then that meant the problem found was the wrong one… or something was being overlooked. Unless you found that root problem, the very core of the issue, you'd never be able to understand, start moving forward, or have any hope of finding a solution.

The problem here was that I had two different goals that were mutually exclusive.

The first was to return home.

The second was to stay.

My family waited for me. My mother, father, and sister were all back home. Yuigahama Yui and Yukinoshita Yukino were there. Isshiki Iroha, Totsuka Saiki, and Zaimokuza Yoshiteru. Friends, classmates, and people who I wanted to see again. There were matters that I hadn't settled, a life I wanted to live, and a peaceful world that I had a chance to return to. A world where there weren't shadows I had to be wary of, where I didn't have to fight, and where I didn't have to worry about everyone I cared for could die at any moment. A place where I never had to pick up a sword or cast another spell.

Peace.

However, here, there were people I'd come to care about and who cared about me. Cranel, Arde, Nelly, and Erisuis were all my students. I'd trained them, fed them, and taught them. In their times of trouble, I was there. When my situation was dire, they were present. Crozzo, Leona, and Grande were all people I could rely on to lend a shoulder regardless of the issue. Then, of course, there were the two elves right in front of me, and the two figures casting shadows behind the door. I couldn't deny that I didn't see their affection, especially when the outcome of ignoring said affection resulted in the hurt I saw before me. They weren't drawings or words on a page, they were people who had hearts and minds. They could get hurt, especially when they decided to be brave… and all they received in turn was a coward who wanted to run away.

What did I want?

For the first time, I couldn't answer that question.

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