Sometimes, I Relax. (23.2)

…

The Hecate Familia's home was fully repaired from the damages it took during the attack on Orario a few months ago. A few people waved at me as I entered, but most just went about their normal lives. I doubted anyone recognized me since I didn't wear my usual outfit. Yeah, so what if people were more friendly towards me when they didn't know who I was?! I'll have you know people are only friendly and nice when you first meet them. Most people only remove their masks once they don't care who you are. Ergo, since I'm never pleasant to anyone, I should be given a medal for being the most honest person around! You can trust me to always tell you what you need to hear for my sake.

Brain, thanks for trying to calm me down, but you're not really helping. I need to focus here. Deep breaths, Hachiman. Find your center. Totsuk—not that center!

"Ah, Hachiman." Hecate's voice drew my attention quickly. As always, the auburn-haired goddess was seated at the end of the bar. Hey, you know that having drinks readily available isn't exactly smart when you're raising a bunch of teenagers to be superpowered fighting machines, right? The goddess gave me a smile as I approached. She raised a mug at me. "It's been a while. Care for a drink?"

Under normal circumstances, I would've refused.

However, since when was anything about what I was doing normal for me?

"Yeah, sure. I'm going to need it." If Hecate was surprised by my words, she didn't show it. She called for the bartender to provide me a drink. I took a sip of the frothy, amber liquid. The taste wasn't anything special, but I doubted people drank it for the taste. At the very least, it was relatively refreshing. "Blech, I don't know how you can drink this swill." While getting drunk would normally be a terrible decision for me, given my Skill, Hecate had an amulet at her disposal. I trusted her enough to put it on me before I did anything I'd regret. "It tastes horrible."

"The taste grows on you, especially when you have it with good company, Hachiman." Hecate's small smile was ever present. Suddenly, the auburn-haired goddess laughed. She gestured towards me. "Heh, I like your new look, Hachiman. You seem very dignified." I felt for whatever she was pointing at. Augh, foam. I wiped it away with the back of my hand. "Believe it or not, moments like that make the hangovers worth it."

"Can Kami even get hangovers?" Wait, that was a stupid question. Hestia had been drunk plenty of times according to Cranel. All of those times connected directly to days my white-haired student spent time with only one another woman. Yeah, without a doubt, a god can get drunk and experience hangovers. Maybe they can even become alcoholics. I really hoped I wouldn't have to help stage an intervention for Hestia in the near future. That would just be plain sad. I waved away my question. "Eh, forget it." For a second, I hesitated, but pushed forward. Stick to the plan, Hachiman. You may have a spine made of bamboo, but you can still amount to something if you throw yourself at a problem with enough force! No, that wasn't a sex joke! "I'm here to apologize. Not for what happened… but for what I did."

The words felt egocentric and self-important, especially when I just said I wasn't going to apologize for the five deaths I was responsible for— no. I was involved in what happened to them, some of the fault was mine, but not all of it. Linnaeus, Asha, Jinnah, Sylt, and Kanuri died because of a plethora of mistakes. Theirs and mine. Had I been wrong in how I taught them and trained them? Yes. Was it a grave error to have them rely on me? Yes. Was I a major factor in what occurred? Yes. A hundred times yes. I made mistakes. However, they still made their own decisions. They had choices and paths they chose to follow. Each one of them was a person. Much like Laulos, the only way I could've saved them would be if I'd tried to control every aspect of their lives and ripped away whatever choice they had.

As much as I tried to convince myself, I couldn't exactly manage to accept those words. Some part of me was still convinced that all the fault was mine. That they were all still characters who would've lived their lives fully if I hadn't interfered. If everything was going well, if everyone was succeeding, I could tell myself that they were people and that they could help themselves. Yet, if something had gone wrong and mistakes resulted in something terrible, the fault could only be mine. It was crazy and stupid because following that train of thought was practically the same as calling myself the only person whose decision mattered, as declaring that I was some sort of god who everyone relied upon and not just another adventurer in Orario.

I knew that while I could treat everyone like people if they were happy, I was sure that I wouldn't be able to do the same if they weren't.

The only way I could change that was through action. Piece by piece and step by step, I had to act instead of just think. What was that phrase? Do or do not? By some green monkey thing? I don't really know, Americans are just flat out weird sometimes.

There was a sudden flash of pain and I found myself back in reality. Hecate was wincing and holding her wrist.

"I'd thought you were kidding about losing yourself to your thoughts. I hoped that you somehow managed to get a sense of humor while you were gone." Hecate sighs and shakes her head. The goddess braced an arm against the counter and pressed a hand against her cheek. A frown plays across her features. Oi, you're looking way too disappointed, woman. She sighs. "Maybe a touch less serious, too." Hey! What did I just say about being too disappointed!? "Did you already forget what I told you when you came back for the first time?"

"…in my defense, there were giant plant monsters attacking." Yeah, sorry, but most of what I remember that day is almost dying by getting someone out of the way. Was that you? I think it was you. Whatever, that's my story, I'm sticking with it. "Jog my memory, oh merciful Hecate-sama. This Adventurer's feeble mind cannot remember as well as your own."

"I told you when you came back that you're not a burden for me. That you had nothing to apologize for, Hachiman." I didn't believe a single word of that and that was wrong. They'd been part of her Familia. She knew them far longer than I did.

"You didn't cause me any more trouble than a Kami-sama would expect of her Familia. You have nothing to apologize for, Hachiman." Hecate must've seen something she didn't like on my face since she shook her head. The auburn-haired goddess took her mug in both hands and gave a scoff. "What do you want me to say, Hachiman?" She kept her gaze facing the bar. "Do you want me to lecture you? Tell you that you should've done better? That you should've never been involved with them?"

"…" Hecate, like many other gods, saw through people with ease. While I was able to keep control of myself around Hestia, Hephaestus, and Loki, I wasn't able to do the same for Hecate. I'd confided in her. The decision had been made purely so she'd trust me with her Familia members, but in the end I'd told her more than I'd intended to. Now, without a doubt, she could read me as easily as an open book. In fact, she was practically reading my earlier thoughts to me aloud. Yeah, I was right. The words did sound crazy. "…I suppose I did."

"They went out on their own because they wanted to get stronger for you. Each and every one of them wanted to stop seeing you get hurt for their sake. For you, they risked their lives and dreams so you'd stop having to stitch yourself together after every mistake they made." The sudden burst of words from Hecate hit like a physical blow. Each passing phrase rang and echoed in my thoughts. No, a part of me said, none of those words were true. Yes, memories arose and reinforced the dissident voice, it is. "My children loved you, Hachiman. Your selflessness, your drive, and how you refused to stray from your own morality… you gave them hope after years of this city grinding away their soul." There shouldn't have been a smile on her face when she turned to me, but there it was. "How could you expect me to hate you after I saw you give them everything you possibly could?"

"It… it wasn't like that." Taking on blows meant for someone else because I could. Bearing with pain so that the best outcome could be reached. That was wrong. It had been wrong in my last life, even if it was the admirable thing to do. The same was the case here. The root of my failure here and back there was because I wanted to be the hero. The glass in my hand cracked. Spirits spilled onto me. My skin wasn't even scratched. Because I can handle it, because I was better than them, therefore I could seek out the best solution and fix problems without anyone else getting hurt. It was a hideous way to live. Yet, I couldn't wrest myself away from it. My voice was hoarse and I felt nauseous. The bar top was splintering beneath my fingers. I was stronger now. I could handle more. That was all I heard in my head. The best solution was always in reach as long as I was strong enough. "They couldn't have survived without me. I made them dependent on me. I was making them into what I needed them to be." That was the truth. Yes. That was undoubtedly the case. "You're wrong, Hecate—"

"No, I'm not, Hachiman. You're the only one here who blames you. You're delusional. Crazed. Even a tiny bit mad." Hecate's hand pried mine from the countertop. If I were normal, if I wasn't meant to use my strength and power as effectively as possible, I would've been bleeding. I could do it. As long as I didn't give in and hesitate, I could keep those I cared about safe or achieve every objective I had. Why was I here when I could be making sure that more bodies were assaulting the Dungeon? There was an army on Orario's doorstep? Why hadn't I dealt with that yet? I needed to go. Work needed to continue. There's no time to even sleep. "Look at you." I tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let go. "You can forgive so many people for not being good enough, but not yourself? That's not being fair, Hachiman."

Life has never been fair. It never will be. A lowered guard, a moment of foolishness, is all it takes to lose everything. That was why I did everything I had to do. If someone could hurt another person without any consequences, they would. Should there be a benefit to hurting someone in particular, eventually someone will choose to do so. If blame for one's own mistake can be placed onto another, then it will be assigned without hesitation. Reality is cruel, petty, and dangerous.

If I wanted to keep those I cared about safe, I couldn't hesitate to do what I needed to do.

...