Interlude: The Student. (Part 6)

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Orimoto-san's words resounded in my mind as I met Sensei's gaze. While he seemed calm, collected, and determined, his eyes told another story. In one moment they were wide in realization, apprehension, and surprise. For a split second, it was my Sensei overcoming his Skill. Then, the eyes would turn hard, be suffused with cool focus and fearless determination. The person who wouldn't cry, wouldn't feel, and accepted no one. The one who no one could reach. The one who everyone was counting on me to destroy… even if that meant hurting Sensei with the very pain he was trying to avoid.

Arde, Nelly, Erisuis… all my Senpais had tried to reach out to him, to involve themselves in his life, and he turned them away. Hecate-sama and Hestia-sama tried to console him and they were rebuffed. Lyon… Lyon couldn't forgive herself for the words and actions she tried to reach him with. Alf-sama, Tiona-san, and Viridis-san... I was glad that they left on an expedition so soon and so quickly after the Coliseum fight. I don't know if their words would've reached him, but I was glad that they weren't hurt.

Spring was arriving in just a week. I had met Sensei just as fall ended. I couldn't believe that less than half a year had passed, that I was turning 18 in just a few days, and how much has changed since then. How much Sensei could change it in just a few months. Orario was fuller, the Guild more crowded, and the streets were filled with many Adventurers who looked, talked, and acted like hunters planning on culling animals. Orimoto-san was correct. Sensei was throwing himself at a mission in order to avoid the pain of losing Laulos-senpai.

I hadn't understood why Orimoto-san took me aside and kept me away from him, but after seeing everything he'd done and how he'd treated everyone else, I realized that Orimoto had trained me and taught me in order to bring back her Familia member. Everything she did—from timing this moment on the coldest and last day of winter to padding the shoulders of my coat, having me wear taller shoes, and having me grow out my hair—was to make my attempt, perhaps the last attempt, have the highest chance of success.

All I had to do was say the words I needed to say, to get through to him by making him unable to ignore what happened, and force him away from his current path. To tell him what he'd done is wrong, that he was hurting everyone, and that he would make Laulos ashamed of him. That no one liked what he was doing, that he was breaking the Alliance, and that he was endangering everyone. That what he was doing was worthless, that he was just running away, and that he couldn't be anymore wrong about the way he chose to grieve.

It was the most effective way of attack, I had already gained his attention and drawn him in, yet I couldn't find it in myself to say them.

"Laulos-senpai… Laulos-senpai would…" The words I was told to use by Orimoto-san, who wanted her Familia back, wouldn't come. The discussions I had with my Senpais about how to reach him with harsh truths refused to come forth. There were dozens of things I could say. Many I had practiced saying even if he chose to attack me. But they refused to come. I was trembling in my shoes and my balance threatened to go. There he was with an arm that didn't belong on him, watching me without a word, and I couldn't say anything. "Sensei…"

I'd waited for him to visit Laulos-senpai's grave and wanted to ask him why he didn't go afterward. I wanted to chase after him and be the first to talk to him. Orimoto had found me and caught me before I was able to. I'd thought I had just been spared of what happened to everyone else. I'd felt glad. However, the horrible, terrible ache I'd felt when I hadn't seen him had returned to me now. Hadn't… hadn't I ran too? Didn't I throw myself into working for this moment instead of doing anything else? Sure, I had gone into the Dungeon, but going past Rivira without Sensei had felt wrong. I'd helped Ilion and Haruhime, made Valis, and trained… but what had I done beyond that? Which of us had helped more people? Used what they felt to drive them further? Regardless of the cost?

Sensei took a step forward and a jolt went up my spine.

For a second, I thought he'd attacked me. However, I felt no pain. No, it had merely been surprise. Could I even fight effectively wearing what I was now? The cloak did nothing but hide the rest of my figure. My shoes were unbalanced and too large. Sensei wore his typical clothes, half his shawl frayed and tattered where his lightning arm existed, but I knew that he was far stronger than the last time I had faced him. All I could do was utter words while surviving his assault. Yet, I was unwilling to use them. My only true weapon in this bout and I couldn't bring myself to use them.

Sensei reached me as my thoughts were running through my mind. His face was masked and head covered, but the light from his arm made it so no shadow hid his eyes. They were focused, strong, and confident. The moment had passed. I needed to say something. I needed to attack. However, the words which were my weapons still refused to come forth. It didn't make sense. How could hurting someone more make them feel better? How could another lie make something true? How could an insult ever make something right?

Even if it would bring back my Sensei, even if it would make things the way they used to be, how was making him hate himself going to help? Wouldn't that just replace him with the one we wanted?

Sensei stopped within an arm's reach of me. The flames at my back reminded me that I had attacked his project, his efforts to make Orario better and give everyone who came a better chance, and I felt fear crawl into my throat.

Then, without a single word and after pushing back my hood, he placed his hand on my head and ruffled through my hair with all his usual familiarity.

"Cranel, I'll let it go this once." However, Sensei's voice was anything but familiar. It was the tone that Arde-senpai could barely describe and which Nelly and Erisuis couldn't stand. The tone full of care and trust which espoused safety and comfort… but didn't want you. It was a twisted sort of care. One that wanted us away from him and safe. The promise of a gilded cage. "Go home and keep getting stronger—"

I should've been angry.

I should've been able to say what I needed to say.

I should've been capable of bringing back my Sensei.

However, I came to a realization.

Aiz had told me, just before she left, that I wasn't an Adventurer. That I was too kind, too good, and too trusting. That I became depressed when I grew sad. That I smiled too much when I was happy. That I was furious when I was angry. I was, in her words, "pure" and "innocent." I hadn't believed her. I told her about how I fought and how I trained. How I was ruthless and efficient. Just being able to show emotion didn't mean I was better than her. Yet, in the end, she had merely smiled, shook her head, and told me that those didn't mean anything. I hadn't understood her then, but as I looked upon my Sensei… I realized that she was right.

Everything Sensei taught was meant to make the student invincible and untouchable. Sensei didn't want his students to get hurt. Sensei taught everyone to be cautious and perceptive so that they wouldn't be fooled and taken advantage of. Sensei cared just as much as I did. Sensei taught the way he did because he didn't want to see anyone die. Just like I would throw myself at the front and be the vanguard, Sensei would commit everything in his students just so that they would never need saving.

If I saw my friends die, if I saw my students die, and if everyone who got close to me died, despite everything I could do to help them, wouldn't I push them away?

Wouldn't I try to keep them safe from afar?

Wouldn't I do the same as Sensei?

Were the two of us any different save for our circumstances?

"Sensei." Laulos-senpai must have come to this realization sooner than I had. She had reasoned much of Sensei out, planned for every contingency in their fight, according to Ilion-san. My senpai realized that he wasn't cold or callous, but the opposite. If we were in danger, despite everything he says and does, he would do anything and pay any price in order to keep us safe. I had woken up to see him missing an arm, seen him lie motionless on a bed for a week, and hurt others just to save me. I shouldn't have felt gratitude for what he had done. I should've felt worried for him and ashamed of myself. I should've done the same as Laulos-senpai did. Maybe if I had then none of this would've happened. I shouldn't have needed saving. "I'm not leaving."

I didn't receive a reply in turn. Sensei was as Arde, Nelly, and Erisuis described. He was fading away and retreating back into the work that he knew would protect us and keep us safe while holding us at arm's length. He was setting himself toward a path where we couldn't follow, where only he would get hurt, and where we would be happy without him. Sensei was going to take everything the world would throw at us upon himself so we would never get hurt.

So, just as Sensei turned away to be swept up back into his little world, I let go of my blades, grabbed his lapel, and swung my fist right into his face.

I wasn't ready for the battle before me, especially since I didn't want to say the words that I needed to say. However, neither was Sensei ready to chase after me and save me from the Asura's final attack. He had betted everything and lost much for my sake. Everything that had gone wrong due to his actions was because of my weakness then. I couldn't change that. However, everything was different now. Though I was afraid I would be struck, though I could be seriously injured, I knew that I couldn't let Sensei do what he wanted… or what we wanted either.

A hand of lightning rushed toward me, but I held fast. It could end the battle, turn wherever it touched into burnt flesh, and it would be my complete loss. However, I didn't attempt to dodge it.

Sensei couldn't be who he was now and he couldn't just be the person we once knew. We changed. He changed. There was no taking anything back. He lost a student, everyone was hurt, and we would only be lying to ourselves if we did anything besides doing our best to live without regret and being happy when we could.

The hand stopped short, just as I knew it would, and I struck him again.

Some part of Sensei knew that. Sensei was running away just like we all were. Sensei was making everything easier for us by being the man everyone could hate.

No, I decided, I wouldn't let Hikigaya Hachiman do that anymore.

…