Renée

lesson to learn from this chapter: life is too short to have regrets. Take the chance before you lose it.

3 years ago...

Renée was in disbelief as she sat in one of the front pews with her gaze resting on Pa's coffin, tears streaking her face. She was still having a hard time with getting her head around the fact that her dear grandfather was really gone.

It all seemed like a horrible nightmare that she couldn't escape from. But Nana's face had confirmed that this was far from a nightmare and that it was in fact reality.

She looked so incredibly drained and her face was void of emotion apart from the occasional tear that would slide down her cheek which she would quickly wipe away so that no one would notice. She had aged overnight and her usually rosy cheeks had turned pale-white.

Renée was wearing the token that Pa had given her around her neck proudly despite it being slightly broken by the courtesy of her father. That didn't faze her though.

It was the intention behind Pa's actions that would always stick with her.

She loved him more than anyone in the world and now he had left her all alone. No one could understand or comfort her the way that Pa could.

She missed him. She knew that she always would because his death had left a massive void in her heart that perhaps couldn't be filled ever again. He was the father that she had always longed to have.

She directed her attention to her own father who was sat beside her mother in his black suit his face hard. His eyes showed no emotion. He had been like this since they had received news of Pa's passing. It seemed as if he was almost numb.

He didn't cry or get angry or anything. She wondered what was on his mind but he was so distant and cold with all of them that she knew that there would be no chance for her to understand what was bothering her father.

She let out a sigh as she thought about it as if admitting her defeat in her head.

Bruce let out a small whimper besides her and she stroked him in an attempt to comfort him.

She wanted to let out a cry just thinking about the fact that she would never again talk to Pa about her worries and interests, that she'd never hug or kiss him again, that she'd never hear his laughter again or the fact that she knew that Bruce & Nana would never be the same again. Without Pa, she felt incomplete.

She hadn't really realised how much she had come to depend on him these past few years that she'd come to know him properly.

You never truly know what you have until you lose it.

The quiet murmurs in the church reduced to silence as Nana made her way to the altar with Bruce trailing in front of her on his leash and Renée eyes landed on the photograph of Pa that was framed next to her.

He was wearing the exact same token that Renée now wore and was dressed in his combat uniform. It was clear that the photograph had been taken when Pa was still a young man before his nerves and courage were shattered by the horrors of war. This realisation made her clutch her necklace tighter until her knuckles turned white and she felt her father watching her from the corner of his eye. She didn't know whether to feel comforted or wary.

Ever since Pa had given her the token as gift, she'd had to hide it from her father so that he wouldn't destroy it out of jealousy. She was unable to understand the motive behind his actions.

" I'd like to thank all of you for coming today. As I'm sure you're aware, every single one of you here were dear to Alfie. He loved you all more than you could ever know. He wouldn't want us to be upset over his passing but I've never felt so upset in my entire life." Nana admitted, wiping away a tear. " He was truly the love of my life and I know that I'll never love anyone else ever again. We have so many good memories but we were there for each other no matter what. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. Do whatever makes you happy and I'm sure that Alfie would say the same if he was here.

Alfie was an exemplary father to our only son, Mark. He was gentle, caring and so down to earth. He was honorable too. He was so proud of everything that he achieved in the first world war by serving his king and country. Nothing can even compare to the fear that I felt at the time, not knowing if I'd ever see my dear husband again. As you know, he returned but he wasn't the same man that I had married. War had damaged his spirit and it seemed that the soul had almost gone out of him but Mark's birth seemed to revive him and he returned to looking after the farm like he used to and doing all the things he enjoyed so much."

Renée watched Nana strangle a sob as she watched her father storm out of the church and slamming the doors behind him.

She felt helpless. There was nothing that she could do to make this situation any better.

So she did the only thing she knew best.

To speak from her heart.

She stood up from her seat and squeezed Nana's shoulder giving her a small smile as if to say, " I've got this" Nana nodded her head gratefully at her and returned to her seat where Mum enveloped her in her arms, disappointment etched onto her face.

Renée inhaled deeply and gripped onto the sides of the stand to steady herself. She took one last look at Pa's photograph and finally turned to the waiting assembly of their friends & family.

" No words can even begin to describe the pain I feel knowing that I'll never see my dear grandfather ever again.

But like my grandmother said, Pa wouldn't want us to be upset. Growing up, he refused to ever let either me or my sister Anara cry or be upset in the slightest. He was incredibly sensitive to other people's pain. He put others before himself.

I may only be a 13 year old girl but Pa gave me lessons that I'll always remember.Treat others how you would like to be treated. Love yourself first. Have faith that things will get better. Don't be stuck in the past and have hope for the future. Do not live for yourself but live for your fellow man. And the most important lesson of all that he taught me before he left was to have ambition but be happy with what you have already: that's the only way you'll be at peace with yourself.

He treated me & Anara as if we were his own flesh and blood so I refuse to be hurt over what happened to him. Of course, I'd do anything to have him back but Pa's time was up and none of us can do anything in our power to change that.

But I'm so proud to be able to call him my grandfather.

I'll miss him terribly because I know Christmases and holidays will never be the same again without him with us. We didn't spend as much time together as a family as we'd have liked but I wouldn't have changed a thing.

I'm certain that he's at peace. I'll always value his life lessons and the token that I now wear in memory of him is more important to me than anything else.

I don't believe that he's really gone. He lives in each of us now.

I love you, Pa. Forever & always."

Renée timidly made her way back to her seat besides Anara who grabbed hold of her hand, squeezing tightly. Renée looked at her and squeezed back, willing that the tears in her eyes wouldn't fall.

A few moments later, they were all ushered out from the church as the time had come to bury Pa's body.

The grave had already been dug out and Renée's family alongside Pa's friends watched as his coffin was lowered into the ground in shivering ranks of black.

Mum's eyes were darting everywhere, presumably looking for Dad who had stormed out earlier during Nana's farewell speech. Mum then held onto Nana's hand saying comfortingly,

"Mark'll be here. I'm sure of it."

Renée just hoped that she was right.

Everyone whispered their goodbyes to Pa and soon enough only Renée family was left behind. The priest handed each of them some soil and each of them took turns to drop it on Pa's coffin to say goodbye to him privately.

When it came to Renée turn, she broke down and began to sob loudly. She had lost all control of her emotions and was unable to turn them off as she looked down at his grave.

She then felt a strong hand rest on her shoulder as if to support her. She looked over her shoulder to find her father looking down too. As she looked into his eyes all she could see was sadness and remorse for all the opportunities that he'd had to fix the conflict between him and Pa. She felt so intensely sorry for him in that moment but her father's presence gave her the courage to drop the dirt too.

Her father then dropped the dirt whispering his own message to his father before wrapping Renée in his arms as she crumbled in his arms.

She still couldn't believe it.

Pa was gone and there was nothing she could do to save him. What would she do without him?

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