An Unconfessed Love

....Sebastian's POV.....

I look at Kati while she is sleeping. She looks so peaceful there where she lays with her jersey all scrunched up as a pillow. My heart breaks for her, over and over again. She has been through so much in the past ten years. First, there was her mom; we all knew that it would happen, but we did not expect it too soon. Then her brother died in that horrible car accident; he was ripped from her life in an instant. Now she is losing herself; she is losing the battle for her own life.

I don't think I am ready to lose her; in fact, I do not want to lose her. She has more meaning in my life that I would like to admit. But this is not about me; this is about her. Even if she never finds out how I truly feel, the only thing I want for her is to be happy until the end.

I know that she has been sick for a while now. She has been trying to hide it from me. She thinks that I don't see it; what she does not know is that she does not hide things that well. The cancer has already taken over her body; I wish that if we perhaps not went back sooner, then things would have been better now. Well, I guess there is a lot of 'what if' that we will have to live with now.

So I check if she is still sleeping, and I take my phone and dial my mom.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi, my boy."

"Are you guys there yet?"

"No, we left a bit late. I wanted to give her some time to say goodbye."

"How is she doing?"

"She is sleeping. She is putting a brave face on, but I know she is hurting."

"She will be fine. She is a brave girl."

"I am not worried about her mom. I am worried about myself."

I look at Katie again; I have known for such a long time how I really feel about her, but yet I have never had the nerve to tell her. I think, in fact, I know that my heart has already been dying very slow just at the thought that I shall lose her.

"I am not ready to let her go, mom."

"Don't you think it is about time you tell her how you really feel?"

"Mom, I think that it is too late."

"Son, it is never too late. You both need closure. Don't let her go with regrets."

Regret is something I already have; I wish that I did tell her a long time ago; at least then she would die knowing that someone did truly love her. But now it is not the time; I don't want her to regret that she did not have more time with me.

Yes, her brother asked me to take care of her if he should for any reason not be there. He did not quite say take advantage of her.

"I don't want to take advantage of her in this situation, mom."

"You not taking advantage. She deserves to know that she matters. That she is loved."

And loved she is, I have been so foolish in hiding it from her. I think she is perhaps much stronger than this grown-up man will ever be. Love has made me soft, I am not the strong man that I use to be, but I have to learn to put my feelings aside and become strong again.

"I need to be strong for her mom. I cannot be weak. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want to see tears in her eyes. I don't want any of this to happen to her."

"She is going to fight. She will prove everyone wrong."

"I know she will. She is the one that keeps me together. I would not be much if it were not for her. She is the strongest woman I know. It is that part that I love the most."

"Then tell her that."

"I'm not ready to tell her yet."

"Find the time to be ready."

The question is, would I ever be ready? Even if she was not sick, would I then have the guts to tell her? And if I did tell her, what will she say then? I do not sit well with rejection either. This is a hopeless situation.

"I better go before she wakes up."

"Let me know when you guys get there."

"Love you, mom."

"Please give Kati a hug from me. I love you both."

I look at Kati again. She is still sleeping. I wish I told her all those years ago how I really feel. I am fighting this inner battle with myself when I am supposed to be fighting the battle with her. So I softly brush my hand against her soft rosy skin, take a loose strand of her hair and tuck it behind her ear. This will be the only time that I will ever tell her how I feel, and that is when she sleeps.

"Kati, I love you. I always will."

With my head lost in my own thoughts, we make the long drive. She sleeps, and I keep trying to remind myself why I need to be strong for her. I am not a man if I am weak. It is time to set aside what I think I need and live for her every day. They say that sometimes it is better to leave things unsaid; I am starting to believe that this is one of those times.

But is love not suppose to be the healer of all things? If love can heal a broken heart, why can it not heal a broken body as well? Yes, it does sound somewhat insane, but if there were a cure to heal her, then I would have gone to the edge of the world to find it. Hopefully, bringing her to the edge of we are headed will give her peace of mind and, not that she lived a fulfilled life, but it is one last thing she could experience with someone who cared and loved her much more than she has ever known about.

But in saying this, she knows that I love her as a brother should. And I am just a friend, with who she will be spending her last three months with.

I just hope she will find her peace here and not regret that she did not spend it doing something else instead.

We are getting close to where we need to be. I look at her, and I hate that I have to break her peaceful sleep.

"Kati, sweety, time to wake up."

I wait for a few seconds, but there is no response from her. I raise my voice a slight bit and call out for her again.

"Sleepyhead, we are almost there."

But she still does not move. I softly tap her on the shoulder and raise my voice even a bit louder than before. My voice is starting to tremble with fear, and everything becomes a blur.

"Kati?"

Still, she does not answer nor does she move; there is no response from her at all. My hands start to shake, and it nearly turns black. My voice vibrates as I yell again for her to wake up. Fear and panic starts to set in,

"Kati!"

The car screeches to a halt. I kick my door open and race to her side. I grab her in my arms, frantically shaking her to wake her up. The tears burst from the corners of my eyes and start rolling down my cheeks. I can hear my voice echo down the stretch of road as I sob louder than anyone has ever before. The fear of seven horrors takes control of my body, and my world ends.

"Kati, please wake up."