The God of Our Times

Hebrews 2 : 10

God, for whom and through whom everything was made, chose to bring many children into glory. And it was only right that he should make Jesus, through his suffering, a perfect leader, fit to bring them into their salvation.

"Aku tahu kau ada di sana. Aku bisa merasakanmu sekarang."

"Kau percaya pada Tuhan, William?"

"Aku tahu sekarang—hanya aku yang tidak percaya pada apapun tuhan itu."

"Aku tahu kau punya rencana. Mungkin rencana itu hanya untukku. Mungkin kau mempergunakan Jesuit dan yang lainnya—mungkin kau ingin memancingku ke sini setelah bertahun-tahun. Menungguku memecahkan apa yang terjadi di sini. Menunggu penyelamat akan dosamu yang sekotor warna hitam itu, ya kan? Ya kan?!" kataku melihat ke langit-langit. Aku tahu dia di sana.

"Kau selalu banyak bicara."

"Jangan melangkah pergi dariku, kau pembunuh."

"Kau juga pembunuh—jangan pernah lupakan itu."

"Jangan samakan kami denganmu! Kau yang menyuruh kami membunuh orang lain! Kau bahkan mengkhianati anak-anakmu sendiri, membiarkan mereka mati di sini seperti tikus got!" teriakku lantang, berharap bedebah itu akan menampakkan wajahnya.

Tidak ada. Dia berhenti bersuara.

Aku mendekat menuju arah suara terakhirnya berasal. Tepat di depanku, tepat di depan Jesuit, tepat di depan teman-temanku yang terbelenggu tak berdaya—dan dengan tidak acuhnya bermain tuhan semudah dia membalikkan telapak tangannya. Dia hanyalah manusia biasa. Itulah pikirku berulang kali seraya berjalan mendekat.

"Kau mendekat, rupanya." katanya melangkah dari balik kegelapan.

Aku spontan membidik—tapi langsung menurunkan moncong pistolku.

Di belakangnya, segerombolan orang memenuhi ruangan dengan cepat. I knew it. He's preparing to murder us right here and right now. "James, you wicked fuck. You killed your pupils?!" teriakku lantang, berharap orang-orang di belakangnya akan menyadari kegilaan orang ini.

"And yet, you murdered people too, on my command. Have you ever thought that they once, was my pupil too?" jawabnya dengan pertanyaan lain. I'm sick of playing mind games with this wanker. Aku menyeret lenganku membidik wajahnya—dan sontak, pasukannya juga semua membidikku secepat kilat. Their red dots covered all over my chest and my head.

"I'm tired of your silly games, now."

"Whomever said that life is a game deserves a seat and explain."

"Enough of your twisted tongue, you wanking bastard."

"William, kamu sepertinya belum mengerti juga." katanya tenang, melepaskan jaket hitamnya. Jas hitam dan kemejanya masih rapi dan bersih seperti biasanya. He blends right in with the dark. "Aku tidak mau mengerti, James. Tidak—tidak, Apapun itu. Kamu tidak akan masuk ke pikiranku lagi."

"Jadi? Kamu akan membidik dan melubangi kepalaku—kamu pikir segampang itu, nak?"

"We were here prepared for death, mate. And death, yeah—I think death's good enough."

"Like your friends over there," katanya menunjuk dengan bola matanya, "they come here prepared, but they didn't accomplish anything. Like you here." sambungnya. "What makes you think you're different than the rest of them?"

"Because you wouldn't kill me—right?" kataku membuang pistolku ke lantai.

"That's a brave excuse, right there." kata James menyuruh anak buahnya menurunkan bidikan.

"Aku tidak tahu kenapa, tapi kamu selalu ada di awal-awal misiku, seolah-olah kamu ingin menjagaku," kataku menatap matanya yang selalu tampak dalam itu, "karena perbuatanmu dulu itu, jelas berbanding terbalik dengan semua yang aku lihat di sini."

"Kamu adalah pembunuh yang ulung, William. Kenapa aku harus melakukan hal itu?"

"Itulah yang aku cari-cari jawabannya." tukasku diam-diam merogoh belakang celanaku.

"Maaf saja, tapi tampaknya—kamu tidak tahu apa-apa, nak." kata James tersenyum lebar. "Kenapa aku harus berbelas kasihan padamu? Kamu tidak ada bedanya dengan semua tengkorak di sini." lanjutnya melihat sekeliling.

"You disobeyed me once, either you die or you will die." katanya menatap kembali ke wajahku.

"Then what's the hold up, mate?" kataku menantangnya memberondong badanku. Never before I thought I will die anyway—after our big dream, after countless speeches, after this and that...

May god have mercy, then.

"You're right, boy. I can't just finish you off right here." katanya mengambil sesuatu dari sakunya. Aku tahu. Aku tahu, entah kenapa, kau dan seluruh orang-orangmu tidak mau menghabisi aku begitu saja. "I just want to know the reason behind it, actually. Why?"

"You have something, boy." katanya mengeluarkan sesuatu, "something special. Something great. And I will give it to you." tangannya mencengkeram pistol. I knew I seen it somewhere. Turns out,

It was the pistol he gave me way back.

A Berreta 9mm, with the wood handles carved like a Cross and angels on each side.

"Dan apa itu?" kataku seraya mendekat dengan pelan. "Kau adalah penyelamat kita semua." jawabnya menatap pistolnya. "What?"

"In this world corrupted by evil, you think waiting for Jesus alone would help us all? I've tried, William. I've tried. I am this close to murder every blasphemous-spitting creatures that were against our God's orders!" teriaknya lantang.

"You are lunatic. You are playing god? For what?"

"You never know how it could've been! I could have it all! My ticket to heaven!"

"With their corpses as your stepping stone?" kataku melihat James perlahan menggila.

"That's a small price to pay...I was this close to dominating the whole world!"

"So your dream is not about going to heaven, you just—"

"And you blew it! I gave you the most important missions, and you blew it right like that."

Aku semakin bingung. "Jadi kamu menghukum aku, dia, dan kita semuanya—karena tidak berhasil mengeliminasi target, begitu? Apa hubungannya ini semua dengan surga yang kamu dambakan? tuhan yang kamu inginkan?" tanyaku semakin serius.

"Itu karena kamu tidak mengerti apa-apa, William. Mereka juga nantinya akan pergi ke neraka. Aku hanya mempercepat tiket mereka, itu saja." jawabnya kembali tenang—persis seperti Reverend James yang aku kenal dulu, yang selalu tenang.

"Dan kamu," sambungnya lagi menunjukku, "Kamu bisa."

"What? What can I do, mate?" tantangku balik.

"You can rule the entire world, you can continue my legacy—long after I died, William."

"I rather just be wanking off." jawabku tidak tertarik, seraya mengintip Jesuit.

Jesuit sepertinya sedang diam-diam mengambil sabuk granat dari celanaku. I have to keep the old chap busy. "You were so preoccupied with the world peace, James—you forgot to give the peace of mind we all long since then."

"And you will be the angels on the sky above, son. If only you would like to wait." jawabnya menggelengkan kepala. "And the people behind you? Will they die, too?" jawabku juga, menuding seluruh pengawalnya.

"They will also be angels."

"And you lads believe that?! Huh?!" teriakku menantang kepercayaan mereka semua.

"After what you have seen here, after all this blabbering, you lads believe that, still?!"

"I'm not buying anything, William. I am not." tukasku dengan napas tersengal setelah semua teriakan tadi. "Then an angel you shall not be. Lads, prepare to open fire." ujarnya memberikan aba-aba kepada semua pengawalnya.

'Click-click!' suara pengaman di semua senjata mereka membuatku ingin menghabisi mereka.

They just don't get it, do they? What are they trying to prove to this old man, blabbering about the salvation, the redemption of our sins by making us do sins all around the country? Did they have no conscience left in their brain to even think about the right thing? Did they have done a right thing in their life, even?

Am I doing the right thing?

"Get 'em, boys." tukas James memberikan aba-aba untuk menembak.

I could have sworn everything goes slow, at that moment. At that very moment. Their guns goes off, their red dots disappearing on my body, yet I'm feeling calm. Peaceful—so serene. I guess I was ready for this to happen anyway. I come up ready—but facing death head-on seems dissatisfying, maybe it's because I haven't used to it yet.

I am doing the right thing.

I don't even care about heaven, playing god, all that bonkers.

Just so I know that I can meet my boys up there one more time.

'Blam!! Blam-blam-blam!! Blam!!!' suara ledakan masif membuat tuli telingaku.

"What the fuck—"

'Bang!! Bang!! Blam—boom! Boom!!'

"Get down, you idiot!" teriak Jesuit, menarikku ke balik pilar. Aku melihat semuanya masih juga tidak sadarkan diri. I felt really sorry for leaving them behind. But at the very end, I could get the upper hand on that reverend bastard. Pikirku sembari melihat semua orang panik, dan berlari kemana-mana.

'Blam!!' 'Creaak—whoosh!' 'Bang! Blam!!' 'Boom!' langit-langit mulai runtuh seraya suara serentetan granat masih saja terdengar. Bahkan suara teriakan mereka yang terhimpit dan lari ketakutan tidak lagi terdengar. "Nice job, mate." kataku melihat Jesuit.

Jesuit memegangi perutnya—ada warna merah gelap yang keluar di sekujur tangan dan perutnya. "Mate, you—" "Aye, mate." katanya pelan, nyaris kehabisan napas. "Don't you dare, mate! Come on! We have gotten this far now!" teriakku menaruh kedua tanganku di perutnya.

"It's—it's no use, mate...It's," katanya terbata-bata.

"It's over. Come on now," katanya memegang kepalaku dengan erat,

"I'll be cheering for you up there—with me mates. Finish the job, now."

Aku mengangguk lemah. "That's our boss, alright. You might not be the God he wanted you to be, William," katanya dengan wajah yang semakin pucat, "But forever you will be the boss that we love. Well done, mate. Enjoy life!" teriaknya, lalu perlahan tersenyum.

'Bang!!' Aku tersentak. Jesuit langsung terbaring ke belakang dengan kepala berlubang.

"I should have killed that arsehole long time ago." kata suara itu lagi.

Aku sontak bersembunyi di belakang pilar. "William!" teriaknya lagi. "That was a nice try to destroy both this building with all the people on it. But!" teriaknya semakin lantang dan suara yang semakin serak, "If only you take the window to kill me!"

This old bitch has completely, absolutely lost his bloody mind.

Aku mengambil senapan mesinku. I hope I can really put a bullet before he does. "James!" teriakku balik, "Kau harus berhenti bermain tuhan! Untuk apa, hah?! Lihat sekelilingmu! Jika kau kelak menjadi tuhan, suatu saat juga kau akan menjadi mayat di suatu lubang entah di mana!" teriakku tidak jelas—aku hanya mencoba mengulur waktu sembari berpikir sebuah cara menjatuhkannya.

I know him. He's good with shotguns, sniper rifles, and assault rifles—and he certainly carries the three of them. I just need time. Dari dekat? Tidak mungkin. Tidak juga dari menengah ataupun dari jauh. I need to find an opening, right here.

But how? This lad is all eyes and ears after that mess.

I need to distract him, somehow.

"James, kau gila. Kau benar-benar gila." kataku bersiap untuk keluar dari tempatku berlindung. 'Clack. Clack.' I can hear his steps slowly creeping up on me. I don't have much time left. I have to hurry up. "William, aku bisa melihat kamu ketakutan."

"Tapi, tentunya kamu tidak harus takut, nak." 'Clack. Clack.' Aku harus mencari celah. Tapi bagaimana? Semua yang disini hanyalah langit-langit yang jatuh, mayat teman-temanku dan teman-temannya. Nothing left. Come on, Wiliiam, think. Think!

"Look, I will do whatever it is you want me to do, mate."

"That is just complete bollocks—You said you were ready to die here."

"However," sambungnya lagi, "I will give you a chance. That is, to die in my hands. Rather than a useless suicide, you can try your hand at defeating me." tukasnya sembari berjalan dengan sangat pelan. Why is he not shooting me? Is his rifle pump-action?

"Aku tidak bisa melakukan itu, James." kataku terpikir sebuah cara, sembari keluar dari pilar. James terdiam—aku bisa lihat dia sedikit kaget dengan kemunculanku yang tiba-tiba. He must've thought that I'm too scared. Dengan menenteng senapan mesin, aku hanya punya jeda sangat sedikit sebelum recoilnya berterbangan ke mana-mana.

"So it has come to this, then." balasnya dengan tenang.

"Yeah..." kataku juga. Jariku sudah memegang pelatuk—aku akan mengakhiri ini semua.

'Swish!' Aku langsung mengayunkan senapan mesinku ke depan. 'Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatata!' 'Bang!! Bang!! Bang!!' 'Thwomp!' Kita berdua terjerembab ke tanah. "Ungh—fuck!" teriakku mengerang kesakitan. Tangan dan dadaku terkena peluru. There's no time to lose—I have to get up and finish him.

"Ungh—oh my, urgh, fuck, fuck—uuughhh!" erangku kesakitan sembari mencoba berdiri.

Aku bisa melihat James juga mengerang kesakitan di sana. Before he gets up—this is my window.

'Swing!' Aku melempar flashbang. Hanya itu yang aku punya, setelah Jesuit melempar semua granatku. "Fuck!" teriak James di sana sembari menutup matanya. I don't need to open my eyes. I just need to find out his general direction, and barrage my bullets at him. Aku berdiri dan langsung mengarahkan moncong senapanku.

'Blam!' 'Ziiiiiiinggggg!!' suara pekik flashbang membuatku buta dan tuli. But I don't care.

'Ratatatatatatatatatatatatatatata!—grr, psshh!' Pelurunya habis. Aku harap dia mati.

Aku menghela napas seraya sinar membutakan ini perlahan pudar. Aku melihat jejak-jejak darah. Either he escaped, or he died with my attack. Turns out, it was a little bit of both. "Well done, boy." kata suara serak itu—sekarang lebih pelan dari teriakan-teriakannya sedari tadi. "Well done."

Aku menghela napas. "Took me everything that I've ever had," sambungnya seraya membuang senapan mesinku, "to get to this point." kataku melihatnya tidak berdaya. Seorang tua dengan tangan memegangi perutnya, bersimbah darah dan tertatih-tatih berusaha untuk mengakhiri nyawaku.

I just noticed; almost all of my targets died this way.

They may seemed significant in their own world, but here—we know nothing of them. We just go there, finish the job, and go home. We never how it actually feels like to bear the burden of the missing loved ones, because too many died in here and too little feelings involved.

"So," kata James lagi, "what next, boy?" Aku hanya terdiam. I never thought he would've asked that question. Aku mendekatinya pelan-pelan. "Why, James? After all has been said and done, why?"

"You always have been that kid, huh." jawabnya pelan.

"What—what do you mean?"

"I always said I want to change the world, become the God of it. Because," katanya mencoba duduk, "because the world is not the world I know. I don't want to preach like my former reverends. I want to do things my own way." sambungnya melihat perut dan sekujur tubuhnya yang masih mengeluarkan darah segar.

"I could've believed that then." kataku lagi. "But you killed your sons, your brethrens, your family. What makes us, then? Are we not worth of your so-called world where we would worship you and all that?"

"Aku adalah anak yang terbelakang, nak." katanya memperlihatkan luka di dahinya.

Aku masih tidak mengerti.

"I grew up with a family that hates me, with friends that mocks me, with churches that despises me, with the whole world telling me to fuck off." katanya. "It grews on me, you know. I still believes in random acts of kindness around—so I spread it around."

Aku masih mendengarkan—mungkin itulah alasan kita bisa bercakap ringan dengannya.

Karena dia masih satu jiwa dengan kita semua, para kaum terbuang dari dunia ini.

"My family beat up our dog, so I screamed and lunged to save him—poor dog didn't make it. And so am I—my soul, perhaps." sambungnya dengan suara yang semakin pelan, semakin rendah. "They started do horrible things, they ironed my face, they worshipped cults and acted different. I thought it was for a brief moment,"

"But it is forever." sahut kita berdua, nyaris bersamaan.

"Almost all of our boys were raised like rabid dogs—thrown away like a sewer rat."

"Yeah, but didn't we persevere? It was worth it, somehow—at least for most of us." kataku ikut duduk mendengarkan apa yang mungkin menjadi percakapan terakhirnya. "It was never worth it, boy. I never got to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never get to see my mom rest well, I never get to see my dad be the same person again,"

"Even though they were never nice to me." sambungnya terbatuk.

"So you give up, and seek another way?" tanyaku menaruh pistol di lantai dan menaruh kedua tanganku di lututku. "I still believe in everything—I still believe in myself, in this world, boy. So I packed my things and moved somewhere else. Somewhere far."

"The church started feeling me somewhat better, somehow not bitter. For a while," sambungnya melepas cengkeramannya dari luka dalamnya dan menggenggam tanah, "But they were no better. They cared for redemption only for those who are worthy. Who believe in God—truth is, there is no God out there."

"If there is, I want him to show my parents and point him with anger,"

"Is this looks human to you?" katanya dengan geram.

"Tetap saja, itu bukan alasan untuk mengurung semua orang di sini, James—atau siapapun itu nama aslimu, karena aku yakin, itu adalah nama yang kau comot dari kitab apapun itu. Seperti nama kita semua di sini." kataku melihat teman-temanku yang mati sia-sia di pojok pilar sana.

Now I'm having conversation with this man, trying to figure out things I shouldn't care.

"I was never seeking redemption," sambungnya juga melihat teman-temanku, "They were my boys, too. My dearest boys." katanya menitikkan air mata. Aku masih saja geram. I could've—could've hit him right now with all my strength just so he'll realize his sick, twisted ways.

But something stopped me from doing all that.

"They failed. And if they fail, they will seek out life on the other side." katanya kembali mencengkeram lukanya yang mulai dipenuhi darah yang mengental dan berwarna gelap. "Life outside were hell. I wanted to protect them."

"You know," kataku mengambil pistolku dan kembali berdiri.

"People have actual families out there. They gave their daughters ice creams,"

"They hang out at parks and feed the pigeons." kataku dengan dalam. Tanpa aku sadari, aku juga menitikkan air mata. "You noticed it? Their life was great." kata James lagi. "Yet, you pick every orphans from every city and made them murderous killer, shapes them into your very ideals." balasku dengan air mata yang masih saja mengucur.

"I don't want to lose you. Not to them." balas James, berusaha baik kepadaku.

"Stop it." jawabnya dengan air mata yang semakin deras.

"We do have a family. They were your brothers, and you shared your laughs together,"

Aku mengacungkan moncong pistolku. Air mataku tak terbendung lagi.

"You are,"

Semakin deras.

"You are my dearest boy."

'Bang!'

Semakin deras. Semakin menjadi-jadi.

And I am standing on the rubbles of the world they will question, on top of the corpses they will put on screens everywhere. Yet they have no idea of our life. And I have no idea of their life. Forever existing hand-in-hand in this godforsaken world that nobody wants to live in.

Some believe wholeheartedly in god. In gods. Some others fiddle around with their strings of fate, intertwining with people who should have never been involved, the people that should have never came there.

I hate life. I hate fate. I hate whatever god there is, pulling their tricks on me.

I never have to deserve this. I, too, dreamt of a life ever so beautiful.

Why?

Regardless of everything they have thrown to me, to us—we still exists out here. I don't know for what reason. Maybe we get used to fight them, to be independent on our own actions, but to never defy our very own fate of life.

The life I have always dreamt of, they never there—they never exists in first place, not at all. And I am forced to believe the truth which has no meaning to me, as I scrounge, as I try to believe whatever it is I am trying to believe to—either deities, either gods, either humans, either willpower or even faith can bring me unto the life.

The life on the other side. I never get to see that.

Fuck god.

Maybe I can decide my own fate.

Just maybe.

'Bang!'