The World is Weird

James Rhodes and Scott Lang, War Machine and Ant-Man, walked together through the Avenger's headquarters, the new facility was built on the old headquarters that Thanos destroyed. Over the last few years, intergalactic threats have seldom visited the planet. Earth's greatest threats were once more homegrown. 

At the moment, the two men were having an intense conversation while wearing their superhero suits. If you listened, however, you would realize that the conversation was in one direction, from Scott's mouth to Rhodey's ears. 

"So, I've realized that the Avengers are made up of all women! The new Hawkeye, the new Black Widow was always a woman, but she wears a white combat suit instead of a black one. It makes more sense to call her the White Widow, but that's weird because there's no such spider called a white widow.

Then there's the new Iron Man who is Iron Heart, it's a weird name. Why not call herself Ironwoman, or something? Anyway, there's a She-Hulk, who knows where Banner is, he's completely disappeared. The Mighty Thor was replaced by a woman, which was weird because his name was Thor. That's his name, it would be like saying, I am the Mighty Tom, or Mighty Bill, and then a woman says I am the Mighty Bill...It's weird. Why not call herself the Mighty Jane, after all that was her name. Of course, she's dead so it doesn't matter. Now there's Valkerie who is the King, not the Queen of the Asgardians. The new Black Panther is also a girl. 

The only man left on the team after we got fired is Captain Fat Russian, I can't remember his name. He has a big beard and was kind of The Black and White Widows' fake dad, but he kind of is their dad. Then there's Captain America Falcon, or as I like to call him Captain American Falcon--"

"--You know Sam hates it when people call him that. He's Captain America, deal with it," Rhodey cut in.

"Yeah, I know, but he was the Falcon. THE FALCON! Now he's still the Falcon, painted in patriotic colors and carries Captain America's shield. I think he should pick one or the other, the wings or the shield." Scott contemplated for a moment.

"That's not your choice, it's nice having a black Captain America after how they did Isaiah Bradley," Rhodey sighed.

"Yeah, but now there's no Falcon! You see what I'm saying?" Scott asked.

"No, where are you going with all of this, Scott," Rhodey stopped outside the exit of the Avenger's base. 

"I'm saying, all the men are being kicked out of the Avengers or being replaced by a fat idiot, and Sam who isn't fat or an idiot, but that's besides the point. There are even three Avengers with Marvel in their name. There's Ms. Marvel, Captain Marvel, and I'm not sure what the last lady's name or rank is...but where are the guys? Where's the adventure for us?

What are we supposed to do if we want to be superheroes? Form the Bro Avengers? Brovengers? Even my Ex-Wife and my daughter are in the Avengers together. My daughter wanted to call herself Ant-girl, but Hope talked her into calling herself Stinger. She said, 'Just being an ant isn't useful. You should have wings and blasters like me.' Can you believe it?

Anyway, why are they getting rid of us? Steve got trapped in the past and became an old man. Hawkeye at least got to train his replacement, Thor had his identity stolen, I guess I can understand Black Panther, Shuri was the only one who could take his mantle. But why She-Hulk? The Hulk was a lot stronger. Do we even know if Banner is still alive? And are they firing you so they can bring in the female War Machine?" 

Rhodey reached out his hand and placed it on Scott's shoulder. "Look man, first, they didn't fire me. The only person who was fired was you. I retired and I'm taking my pension, and for the sake of my pension, I can't afford to have an opinion about any of this. Good luck, Scott," Rhodey closed the War Machine's helmet and flew into the sky.

"Wow, that was a pretty slick brush-off," Scott muttered. "Oh, I forgot my keys!" Scott snapped his fingers and rushed back into the building. 

As he walked through the building he spotted Black Panther and Captain Marvel. "Hello, ladies." He smiled and waved.

He tried to pass them, but Captain Marvel stepped in front of him. "Scott, you aren't an Avenger anymore, you don't have the right to be here. You should hurry home," Captain Marvel stood imperiously before Scott. Scott was a little surprised.

"I forgot my keys, but even if I'm not an Avenger anymore, what's with the animosity?" 

"Animosity? I don't know what you're referring to," Captain Marvel walked close to Scott and scowled.

"Uhm, okay, well I'm gonna get my keys and be on my way," Scott left heading to his old office. 

Black Panther spoke to Captain Marvel as Scott left, "I always liked Scott, why was he fired?"

Captain Marvel looked back to Black Panther, "The age of men is over. For too long the patriarchy has ruled this planet. Now, it is the time for women! Remember when the Avengers first formed, the only female Avenger was the Black Widow. Why not more?"

"You were in outer space and told Nick Fury not to bother you unless it was really important," Shuri responded. 

"That's beside the point, they couldn't have contacted the other female superheroes?"

"I don't think there were any?" Shuri thought about it for a moment. 

"Shuri, the Avengers was named after me, did you know that? I am the Avengers and I am a woman, and therefore the Avengers should be female."

"That doesn't really make sense, besides I thought Captain America was the First Avenger--"

"--Shuri! Enough." Captain Marvel walked off and left a confused Shuri standing there. She turned and followed Scott. 

Walking until she found Scott's office, she stepped in without knocking, "Scott--" she began. 

What she saw surprised her.

"What are you doing?"

Scott stopped and looked up startled, "I can explain... Okay, not in a way that makes this look better, but I can tell you why I'm doing it. Please don't tell anyone, Shuri. I always felt like you were the one who was nicest to me. Be cool, okay?"

Looking into his hand she saw him holding backup programs with names on each, Friday (backup), Jarvis (backup), Karen (backup), Edith (backup), Tadashi (backup), Jocasta (backup).

"Those are Tony's old AI programs, why do you have them, Scott?" Shuri asked. 

Sighing, Scott sat down in his office chair and pointed to another chair for Shuri to sit in. She sat and Scott waved his finger around the room. Shuri activated her arm computer and after typing a few things, a green light appeared, "Okay, no one is watching or listening to us. 

"Thanks, look I wanted to take a vacation, go on an adventure. This world is so weird and I don't know what to do. All of the Avengers are becoming women for some reason, Hope divorced me and claimed mental anguish. My daughter who I thought I had a solid relationship with is acting like a stranger. She resents me for some reason but won't tell me why. I was fired today with zero warning. My father-in-law has started treating me like a criminal again. My friends are too busy to talk to me whether it's old Avengers or my old thief gang. 

I thought I could go to the Quantum realm for a few months and figure things out. Maybe have an adventure or two, you know?" 

Considering his words, Shuri looked at him sympathetically. 

"You know, ever since my brother died, the world hasn't made much sense to me either. It's a weird world. I threw myself into research and became an Avenger. I feel a little less lost, maybe a vacation is a good idea.

I'm still curious, why the AI programs?"

Scott was still holding them, "Oh, I'm not a scientist and things get weird in the Quantum realm, and I thought I could take one of these and load it into my suit. I figured one of these programs could help me navigate my way through everything and get back. I might need repairs to the suit, or create more Pym particles. I'm getting things ready. 

I've been thinking about it for a while, and after getting fired today, I thought it was a good reason to go for it."

"How were you going to get to the quantum realm? I thought Dr. Pym scrapped his quantum equipment after some unforeseen accidents occurred."

"Yeah, but I guess he forgot about my van because it's still ready to go."

"You're making a big mistake, you're more likely to get yourself killed doing things this way than having a vacation. You might even get lost in the realm without a means of return."

Scott started, "I know, I'm just gathering supplies and --"

"I have decided to help you," Shuri announced.