225. Chapter 225

After A Dance With Death, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Even if I'm just dancing in the dark, I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Kate Beckett walked into her apartment and collapsed on her couch. Murder cases, although greatly satisfying when the killer was caught, were also emotionally draining. Someone died because another person was greedy, or lazy, or stupid, or something. Barbra Landau and Odette's grandfather had died because Samuel Lynchberg and Odette Morton were greedy. After years of murder investigations, the parade of greed, stupidity and laziness could be too much. And they all lie. They try to make what they did seem reasonable, just like Lynchberg trying to claim that he killed Odette to keep a "dirty stripper" from living Odette's life. I never met either Odette or Barbra, but Barbra was a far better human being for my money.

Kate laughed bitterly to herself. And their lies eventually blew up in their faces. What did Castle say about lies? That they're like time bombs. And I said they eventually explode. I need to keep my lie from exploding.

As good as Castle is to me, as good as he is for me, I'm still terrified of him. He's the only man I've met in my entire life who could destroy me, destroy me utterly, with a word. Twice just on this case I felt the fear that Castle would never be mine. He mentioned waking up with some girl's panties on his head. I know. I know. He's been with other women, just as I've been with other men. But he smiled at that memory. It was a pleasant memory for him. It reminded me of what he has been, the playboy, the womanizer, the fun loving party animal. And what kind of memories does he have of me? He certainly has no memories that he can look back on and think of how much fun we've had together. What've we had? Two kisses and I've held his hand a couple of times. We've been to a couple of movies and we've eaten or had drinks together. Those are not memories that'll keep anyone warm in their old age. We've been together for three years now. We should have some fun memories. We should have memories of Memorial Day in the Hamptons, but I blew my chance with him then. And I never got back on track. First there was Tom Demming and then Josh, but never Castle. It should have been Castle. I had three months after I was shot. I've always been so proud of my ability to take care of myself, to be able to take care of myself and not need anyone. I thought it was a strength, but more and more, I see it as a weakness. I wonder how things would be if I had asked Castle to come to Dad's cabin with me? I'll never know. How would things be if I hadn't lied to him that day in the hospital?

And then Castle wanted to go with Ryan and Esposito to the strip club where Barbra used to work. That hurt me. I'm not that bad looking, I know that. I think I can say that I'm still hot. But Castle still wanted to go look at some naked women and not be with me. And why should he want to be with me? As far as he knows, he'll never see my body, he'll never touch me, and he'll never take me to his bed and make love to me. I've never given him any real reason to believe that I want to dive into it with him, and only him. Why wouldn't any man want to leave me and check out another woman? I know how badly I need him, both physically and emotionally. I know how many times I've lain in my bed and fantasized about making love to Castle. How many times I've moaned into my pillow, imagining Castle was with me, touching me everywhere and telling me how much he loved me. I know that, but I've always been too afraid to tell Castle that.

Am I really so insecure that I'd let Castle get away from me? Will this be what my future is? Forever wanting Castle but being stuck behind my walls and never able to tell him how I really feel?

Kate shook her head and stared at the ceiling. Barbra didn't accept her life. She had a hard life. She bounced from one foster home to the next. She worked as a stripper and dreamed of being a dancer on Broadway. She had the guts to grab a chance at a better life, the life she had dreamed of. Maybe it wasn't the best or most moral choice she could have made, but she did something about her dreams. What have I done?

I had dreams once. I was pre-law and headed for a career in the law. I'm not being egotistical when I tell myself that I'm smart enough, ambitious enough, tough enough, caring enough to be a damned good lawyer. The first female chief justice of the Supreme Court? Why not? And if I could dream of that, if I could have worked towards that, why can't I work towards my current ambition. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life with Richard Castle. To be his partner in every sense of the word.

I've changed, I know that. I compare myself now to what I was like from the time I was nineteen until the day I first met Castle, and there's no comparison. Roy Montgomery was right. I wasn't having any fun until Castle came along. I do have fun now. We have fun. Yes, dammit! Richard Castle does have fun with me! Maybe not the kind of fun I'd like to have, but we enjoy each other's company. But it isn't enough for me and it isn't enough for Castle. He deserves more and I know I can give him more. But when?

And he's changed. Or has he? The Richard Castle I first met was a self-centered ass. But he was the best father to Alexis that anyone could be, and a good son to Martha? I learned that as I got to know him better. Could it be that he hasn't changed that much. Could it be that I won't change?

No. I will change.

Kate got up and got ready to go to bed so that she could face another day.