223. Chapter 223

After Linchpin, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Yes, things would fall apart if I ever claimed to own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

"You look like a man who could use a drink." She said as they walked down the hallway in the precinct.

"I could use a lot more than a drink, like maybe a complete scrubbing of my brain, but a drink will have to do. And I'll buy."

"No, I'll buy, Castle."

Castle looked over at Beckett. Absolutely the last thing I want to do today is get into an argument with Beckett. So…Compromise. "How about I buy the first round and you buy the second?"

Beckett smiled at him. "Remy's okay?"

"Sure. It always is."

They walked the short distance to Remy's and sat in a booth in the back where they could be alone. They sat sipping their drinks for a while.

This was hard on him. She thought. Someone he admired and respected, someone who was his muse lied to him. That thought chilled her. And what other muse has lied to him? Me, of course. Oh, I can argue that my lie isn't going to destroy the world, and there's still time for me to make up for my lie. Dr. Burke says I'm getting close and I agree. I'm still insecure about Castle. I love him and he loves me. It's not just that he's told me so, it's everything he's done for me since we met. I've changed a lot since I met Richard Castle and I want to change more. But will a badly damaged cop ever be enough for him? And yet he says I'm remarkable. Remarkable? No, I don't see it. I'm a good cop, and to be honest I'm a lot better a cop since knowing Castle. And I'm a better person. But is it enough for him? I know it's enough for me. I'm about at the point that I don't care if he's not my one and done. I don't want to be an old and lonely lady wondering what would have happened if only I'd told Castle how I feel. Even if it's only for a short time, I want to be his. Would a year of Castle be enough to last me for the rest of my life? Would I go back to what I was? Sitting behind my walls, alone and lonely. I don't think I could do that. What would be the alternative? I know what losing Mom did to me. Losing Castle would be as bad or worse. Worse? Yes, worse, I think. Castle is my future, my only future. I can't imagine there's anyone else out there that would put up with what he's put up with for me. What would I do if I knew I had no future?

"Beckett, I'm sorry." She had been concentrating on her talk with herself that she almost missed what Castle had said.

"Sorry for what?"

"For accepting Sophia so uncritically. For not listening to you when you tried to warn me she had another agenda. For almost getting you killed. For falling apart when you and Danberg had to go off and save the girl. For just sitting there with her body while you saved the world. Or at least a little girl."

Beckett took a sip of wine to organize her thoughts. "First, I accepted Sophia as a CIA agent trying to stop Pandora as thoroughly as you did. It never occurred to me until too late that she was running Pandora. I thought her agenda simply didn't include getting our murderer."

"As for almost getting me killed, I'm a cop. These things happen. And when we went into the river, you saved my life. I know that you would have died with me rather than leave me. I appreciate that, more than you'll ever know. More than I'll ever be able to explain to you. And, yes. I would have done the same for you. Always." She smiled and he smiled back at the use of that word.

"Lastly, well, we did save the girl and maybe the entire world. You're not a trained CIA agent or a trained cop. And, since I've been trying very hard since our first case together to get you to not follow me into danger, I'm not going to criticize you for finally doing what I've been asking you to do."

Castle looked down at his drink, the waved to the waitress for a refill for both of them. He turned to Beckett. "I, uh, also thought you were jealous of Sophia."

"I was." She replied quickly.

"Huh?" He said, then." Okay, not my best effort at stunning repartee, but you were jealous of her?"

She nodded. "I told you once that I was a one writer woman, and that I thought it was cute when you were jealous of Alex Conrad when he wanted some musing from me." Kate stopped and frowned. "Is musing even a word?"

"As far as I'm concerned it is." He quickly said.

"I had hoped you were a one muse writer. No other muses need apply. Silly of me, I guess."

"No, I have one muse, Detective Kate Beckett. No one else even comes close."

She smiled at him and when the waitress brought their drinks, lifted her glass. "To muses and writers."

He nodded. "To my muse."

They sat quietly for a while before Castle spoke. "I know that Sophia lied a lot. But the part about my father rings true. She was going to kill us, so she had no reason to lie about my father. And it makes a lot more sense that a rookie writer would get access to the CIA if he had a high ranking CIA official for a father than just because I'm…"

"Ruggedly handsome?" Kate finished for him.

"Close enough." He said with a laugh. "But I still have to wonder."

Kate nodded. "We may never know. If your father has stayed away from you all these years, he may never contact you. It might be too dangerous, for both of you. As far as Sophia goes, she did lie a lot. And some people lie as a matter of course, it's just the way they are. She might have been one of those people who just can't stop lying. I wouldn't worry about anything she said."

"I suppose you're right, Beckett." Some people do lie all of the time, like me. I lie to Beckett every day. Oh, they're sins of omission rather than sins of commission, but I lie to her. I do it because I want her to live. Because I can't stand the thought of her dying in some crusade to find her mother's killer. If it comes to that, I'd rather that she kicked me to the curb and I never saw her again than let her die. I could live without her as long as she was safe. I'd hate living like that, and it wouldn't be much of a life, but anything would be better than getting her killed. Could I go back to the way I was? That immature, self-centered jackass? No. I've known Kate Beckett and that changed me. And if she finds something that set's her off on the chase again and I can't stop her? Like I said, if she's dumb enough to go on, I'm dumb enough to follow her. Always.